Anger...

[bid]

Hi

 

How can I move on from feeling so angry at the complete lack of support from my own siblings and their respective partners (11 years worth)??

 

These feelings have been magnified because they are all rallying round my parents (as of course they should) now that my dad has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia.

 

I don't begrudge their support for our parents, but just feel so bitter that we have had nothing for 11 years, in fact often the opposite (I'm sure you all know the sort of thing...).

 

This is making me feel that I must be a dreadful person to feel like this

 

Bid

[Kathryn]

Hi Bid,

 

First of all <'> <'> <'>

 

Allow yourself time to be angry - only then can you move on, I think. It's probably not something you'll ever be able to express clearly to them: they probably wouldn't understand what your problem was anyway, or where they have failed. I think perhaps physical illness appears far more real, and the sufferer's dependence more obvious, perhaps it's easier to see ways to help in such a situation? Not making excuses for your relatives, I'm just pondering why it is that people back off when confronted with ASD, or a mental health problem for that matter. Is it fear? Embarrassment? The belief that it's self inflicted? I don't know.

 

I am struggling with similar feelings about relatives who could have given us support in the last 18 months and who quietly melted away as our family crisis intensified and L's behaviour became more "weird". We never got so much as a phone call to say, "thinking of you" . Now things are a bit more stable, they're all drifting back again. Am I bitter?? Just a smidgeon. So I haven't moved on yet!

 

Don't beat yourself up, you have enough stuff to be going on with. If you're a dreadful person, then so am I..

 

<'>

 

K xx

[mossgrove]

Bid

 

<'> <'>

 

You are not a dreadful person to feel lke you do. It is entirely normal to feel a certain resentment towards people who have an easier time than we do when they simply do not realise what the situation is.

 

I think a lot of it is down to the way in whuch Autism is a 'hidden' disability.

 

In your fathers case it is clear what is required, in the case of your siblings they probably don't understand how relentless parenting Autistic children can be, and don't really know what to do to help.

 

My own brothers are not part of our support network. They live a long way away and we see little of them, so I don't give the matter much thought on a day to day basis. It must be harder if you see them regularly.

 

Simon

[nellie]

Bid <'>

 

I've just spent the evening in the company of someone who is in the same situation as your relatives. Her sister looked after their mum for years, the mum has dementia and has just gone into a care home. This woman was getting annoyed with her sister and could not understand why she had always complained and why she was still complaining, why she angry and bitter. She didn't think she had a problem, that she should now move on, that she now had her freedom.

 

I asked her what she had said to her sister. She said 'well I tell her it's over now, no point dwelling on it, you can get on with your life now'. I said in other words you didn't listen to her or acknowledge what she said, instead you lectured her. At first she was upset by my remark, but eventually she understood where I was coming from.

 

To cut a long story short by the time I left her she did understand that she didn't understand how her sister felt or what she had gone through. She was beginning to realise that she wasn't listening to what her sister was actually saying or acknowledging her feelings or the distress she had been through and was still going through.

 

I'm probably not making a lot of sense, it's late and I'm tired, but I'm trying to show that this woman didn't know she didn't understand her sister's situation or how she feels. She still doesn't know, but at least she now knows that she doesn't know. I don't think people can understand what a carer goes through, how they live, the emotions they go through, what goes on behind closed doors. It's another world, a world that they don't understand or are frightened to think about.

 

We appear to cope so well that people don't see or don't want to see a problem. I think some even think we enjoy it.

 

Bid, your feelings are perfectly natural and you have every right to feel them.

 

Nellie <'> (sorry if this is a garbled mess)

[Tez]

Bid,

 

I think that there must be many on this forum that have the same feelings as you. I certainly know how you feel although for me personally I don't feel angry, I feel hurt and unloved. I think in order to move on you have to believe that it's alright to feel this way. It's not what you feel inside that determines whether you're a good or a bad person, you have no control over it, but it's how you act upon those feelings that matters.

 

I also think that Nellie is right. In most cases the people that are not helping us or avoiding us just don't realise how much they are hurting us. My mother will always help my two sisters both financially and emotionally but she doesn't even pick up the phone to speak to me. She says that's because she knows I can cope and don't need her help, something which isn't true I sometimes could desparately do with some help, but I now understand her actions better and it does sometimes help to ease the feelings of neglect.

[baddad]

Hi bid, old fruit...

So, the situation is, as i understand it, that your family have not been there for you over the past 16 years while you've coped admirably with things that they've chosen to evade than look squarely in the eye? They've let you down badly, and this has been compounded by the the fact that they have been there as a support network for others?

Now here's the bit I'm confused about: You are the one feeling guilty?????

 

L&P, Hen,

 

a similarly 'dreadful' BD

[hev]

bid i know how you feel,a lot of my family think there is nothing wrong with steven,i say if he had his leg in plaster they wouldnt question he had something wrong with his leg would they and i get the impression they think i am exaggerating about his condition(if only!)but i think if hes so easy to cope with why do they never offer to take him out for me then?they know i dont cope very well,ive decided the people who do not understand steven family or not can stay away from us cos i find life hard enough without the snide comments making me feel worse,ive got my good friends and my mum and dads support also my friends on here

[bevalee]

Hi Bid

 

<'> <'>

 

I know exactly how you feel. I've been caring for my mum for the last 10 years with no support from my siblings.

 

Now Christmas is nearly here and my brother for the first time ever has asked her there for the holiday and he's the 'Best thing since sliced bread'. The only time he visit's her is Mother's Day and her Birthday!

 

Don't feel guilty, you are only human!

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Bid,

 

You are right I have just read your post, you and I must have been typing away at the same time mines over in General Discussions, I was too tired to post it over to help and advice, didnt know what I was going to say, I just knew I felt safe coming here and talking about it my family so many of us are suffering and feeling powerless and rejected they are os ignorant and I guess in denial.

 

I hope you listen to these lovely people as I will. You are not alone here.

 

I found a great way to get rid of anger was to write in a journal and rip it up. Or going down to the beach at 5.30am to watch the sunrise. When things got too much as you might want to read in my second post replying to people, I put my favourite music in a CD player and go for a walk along the beach and watch the sunrise and the waves, or even through a nice park, it clears your head. I was hanging onto so much anger and finally between this as talking to a good counsellor every week I feel I am making a huge progress. I love coming here to this site as there are so many people to talk with, and so many to reply to, its wonderful. There just doesn't seem to be on as good as this in Australia. So I look forward to visiting here in the mornings and before sleep at night. I realise I am not alone.

As one lady says here "God must think you are very special, if he entrusted you with one of Gods special angels" isn't that beautiful. Thats how I look at my son now. and my beautiful daughter.

 

Take yourself out today Bid and have a great day <'> <'> <'>

 

Love

Hailey

Edited November 7, 2005 by hallyscomet

[bid]

Thank you, everyone, so much <'>

 

All your replies mean so much, and I'm just sorry that this seems to be common to just about all of us

 

What would we all do without this forum??

 

Bid <'>

 

I think the thing that's really got me going is the way they are all outraged on my parents behalf over the appalling way Health and SS have been dealing with them, and I'm thinking 'Welcome to my world for the last 11 years don't remember any of you being interested when this has happened to us...'

[supersec]

Bid <'> <'> <'>

 

I know how you feel

 

Caroline

xx

[bid]

Thanks, Caroline <'>

 

Bid

[Hectorshouse]

Bid there is nothing more I can add than has already been said, its soooo frustrating when you are surrounded by people who live their lives with the blinkers on. Don't doubt yourself, and let that anger out sweet, its productive but if you bottle it up it becomes very much counter productive. You are a fine person who has far too much to battle with, its not until we are confronted with other peoples ignorance and selfishness that we can realise how much better people we are!! Allow yourself a pat on the back, a smug look in the mirror and channel that anger.

 

Love and respect, HHxx <'>

[Lynden]

<'> <'> Bid - just wanted to send some of those.

 

Lynne

[bid]

Thanks again, guys <'>

 

Bid

 

Feeling much better today!

[annie]

<'> Bid <'>

 

It's a sore subject with my hubby and his siblings.

 

XX

[Malika]

Hi Bid,

 

As a matter of fact you seem to have been let down badly and your feelings are justified not because they may have a better time than you but mainly because they let you down very selfishly to cope with your problems.

I know this very well as after enormous family problems I found myself alone with 2 kids 6 years and 18 month old living on income support to the point that I was not able to buy some meat or shoes for the children while my brother who lives in Paris in a very posh area earning something like 120 K a year and his wife reaching probably 150 K a year (this is just an estimate based on what they use to earn 15 years ago) were not even remotly interested, they do not have children and have not seen my daughter since she was 2 and never seen my son for the sake of our Mother we talk at the phone when they visit her but this is all.

My mother however has been helping me as much as she possibly can, bless her and cannot understand their attitude but she is far too much in adoration of my brother to dare question him about it.

Yes I know the feeling especialy when some of my friends some years ago pushed some envelopes with 60 and 80 pounds through the letter box in a complete anonymous way to bring me some ease at least I knew it was not my brother!!

Well is there something more to say when your closest family let you down badly.

 

Just forget it you know your are on the right side anyway may be one day something will happen and they may realised what they have done. If not good luck to them.... try not to get stuck with your anger they probably not worse the stress of it all.

 

Take care.

 

Malika.

 

Take care

[kirstie]

Hi Bid, and everyone!!

I know how you feel! My Mum has very little to do with my lot, i think the very thought of being a grandmother was enough to send her running like Zola Budd in the opposite direction! (showing my age there!!!) It has caused me pain anger and bitterness over the years. My sister has at 33 very chronic rhuemetoid arthritis and everyone rallies for her (rightly so, she has a daughter too and no partner so it's hard and i should know) And they all say to me "It must be so hard for you...." yet no-one offers to take Lewis for the night or take him out. My eldest goes camping with my brother but he won't take Lewis. It does hurt.

I think now that i have Richard and we are a happy family unit my family don't think we need any help. They are so wrong,

And as for the "out-laws" they are plain horrible and would never dream of lifting their finger to help. Put it this way they haven't even seen their new grandson and have no intrest either, let alone help with my other two!

It's true, you can chose your friends but you can't chose your family.............

You have no reason to feel guilt and you are not a bad person so don't even think it! You are doing and have done a wonderful job.

I'm sorry you feel so crappy and i'm sorry to hear about your Dad too.

Take Care,

Love Kirstie. <'>