balancing work demands and children etc

[elun1]

Hi I'm Elun and have posted on here a few times before. Mum to 2 children 6 and 4 Youngest is severely autistic with sld and lots of other bits thrown in for good measure! I am primary teacher 3 days per week and find I am struggling big time to juggle demands of work and family. Feel I'm failing at the whole lot at the moment and have just taken week off actually due to stress symptoms. ds2 still has lots of appointments etc altho he attends lovely asd specific unit attached to mainstream and is settled. Ds1 has lots of behaviours that concern me but not brave enough to face them at the moment. He is happy tho, in his way and I wouldn't seek to change much about his life even if he did have label. Anyway I am rambling on! What I wanted to ask, if people didn't mind sharing this, was what sort of jobs dp poeople do? Do they enjoy them etc? How do they manage. I am married but hardly see dh as we juggle child care between us. Not very healthy for a relationship but what can you do? Sorry to ask so many questions but sometimes think I should change job and wondered what works well for others who are in a similar boat

Thankyou x

[elainem]

Hi Elun,

 

this is huge dilema for me, so I know how you feel.

 

I work as an Employment Law Advisor on a telephone advice service. It is a 24 hour service so I work 3 evenings (12 hours in total) and pick up a morning extra hours when I can. I find the job stressful and would love to do something else even for less money (current role is fairly well paid) but the hours would always be a problem. At least with this job I don't have to phone in sick when the kids are ill (often with ASD one who seems to have no immunity!), or we have an appt, or even just had a cr*p time getting them to school etc.

 

I don't know what the answer is - I have balanced my work and family life but at some cost - I am constantly stressed through work - (and we all have enough stress just coping with family life!).

 

I will be interested to read others replies.

 

ps the other thing of course is that we are always skint as I work so few hours, would love to do more but just can't cope on top of everything else.

 

Hope you find a workable solution

 

Elainex

[Zemanski]

I was a full time primary teacher and ICT coordinator which was a very full on job but after 2 tribunals and taking the LEA to the ombudsman to get them to change an illegal policy I got so ill that I was neither use nor ornament and finally quit

 

Nemo runs his business from home but doesn't earn a lot so we live mostly on benefits now.

 

Times are pretty tough and we have very few extras but we are sooooooooo much better off since I stopped working.

 

I'd been considering going going back part time into a specialist area (ASCs? ) but I'm not sure how I'd cope still and Com has had such a bad time over the last year that I don't think he could cope either now.

 

Zemanski

[MumTee]

Hi Elun,

 

I too have 2 children with a 2 year gap - one at school (NT) and one at nursery part time (ASD). To begin with I was working with a small business - the work was very flexible, could be done at the office or home and I was PA to the owner of a small business 20-30 pw depending on what was needed and an occasional day in a friends shop. I was constantly stressed and finding I couldnt switch from one thing to another but I had money to spend to make me feel better about it!

I got made redundant from the main job and scaled things down for a while - cut down nursery to 2 half days minimum, cancelled all possible household expenses. Within 2 weeks the whole family was more relaxed and happier, the childrens behaviour improved, we ate better (you should see my hubbies face when he comes home to real food!). HOWEVER, I find it really hard not having my own money and interests (hubbie and I are a great team but I have been independent since the age of 16 and just dont like having 'housekeeping' money), I also hate housework no matter how many times I read Kim and Aggie and I feel under pressure now not to go back to work - because it will make me feel better but not everyone else. The other thing is that the other 3 people in my family love and need routine and I crave change and chaos. I still do an occasional day here and there for a friend. I dont think there is a definitive answer - maybe its great to be home mostly and have a little business on the side if you still have the income for childcare, a gardener, a cleaner and a health club membership - but for us mere mortals I think balance is a myth?

Everything including being a parent and partner these days is performance related and everyone has an opinion about how you can be doing it better - I've read two things recently which are keeping me sane in my imperfection - one is that to be a parent your job is just to love your children unconditionally and everything else is a bonus, the other is to be in a relationship is a 'competition of giving'. The work thing though.....it's a toughie - do let me know if you find the answer....

[phasmid]

I'm a SEN TA working in mainstream primary for 15 hrs a week (yeah right, they have to raise the drawbridge to keep me out!) plus have been a full time student for last 2 and a half years. I couldn't have done it without Mrs P and the families support. Sometimes it gets too much and I have had to reel things in a bit. I've had to give up some things I enjoyed but feel it will all work out in the long run. Degree study will finish soon, though I have had to go in and ask for mitigating circumstances due to a unsuccesful bungee jump attempt by my mum last week (bless her!) which has thrown a major spanner in the works.

[lindy-lou]

hi elun,ive got this dilemma as well,i am a grade a nurse and love my job,but it carrys unsociable hours with it and ive had to give it up,the only people i trust to look after india,3, who has ASD/AS are my mum and dad and my sister,my mum is disabled and my dad not in the best of health and they just find india hard work to look after for more than a few hours and my sister has her own 3 children including one with AS,so i felt it best to just give up work and be her carer,she needs me there for her,of course the drop in income is a problem which is why im going to aply for DLA.and hopefully when shes settled in full time school i may be able to return and do a few hours.

 

lynda x

[call me jaded]

Boy do I recognise all the sentiments here.

 

I struggled in a demanding, high responsibility job being the breadwinner whilst Mr J studied. Then I went on maternity leave when my ASD son was 5 'for a year' to sort him and myself out. That year was closer to 5 and included two more children.

 

I found the hum drum of being FTM pretty unstimulating and drifted towards a set of mums who all have disabled children, initially campaigning to halt the closure of a Child & Family Centre (we failed). Over the years they all seem to have found jobs in the voluntary sector giving information and support to other parents. Ironically two of them now work at the C&F centre which was closed, the voluntary sector having taken it over two years after it closed.

 

I have recently returned to work on self employed terms where I pick the when and how it gets done. This was a job that found me rather than going out to look for it. I'm not really ready for it, but they are loving what I'm doing and Mr J is mightily relieved that the financial responsibilities are no longer all his.

[katkin]

Juggling as if in a major circus act just seems to be a way of life. I work as a portage worker 3 days a week, husband works fulltime, big son works fulltime/college and small daughter is at school. Both children are NT though big son reckons I have ASD traits !! May have to rethink work as husband may have to downscale to illhealth. Admiration to all who also have other things to juggle - elderly parents etc. Lots of love Kat

[bid]

I'm currently in a dreadful tizzle about the whole work/life balance

 

I have 4 children, the eldest at a residential special school for AS, the youngest starting in Reception in January.

 

I work with students aged 16 to 19 at a local residential special school. I do 3 shifts of 8, 9 and 10 hours respectively. Two of these are over the weekend, and one is on a week day. I don't get home until 10.30 after the two late shifts.

 

I love the job, but I feel as though I never see my children because of working at the weekends (and they hate it, but I can't afford the childcare to work more in the week)...the only reason I'm typing this now is because we've got a late start today because most of the students are at home

 

I want to change my rota, but I'm so tired and stressed that I can't even seem to think what/how I want to change things

 

None of this is helped by the fact that my parents are in very poor health, so I go over to them one day a week, and I've got myself very worked up over a qualification I have to do at work...

 

I also help run a Brownie pack one evening a week, and I desperately want to stop, but feel I can't let people down

 

On top of all that, the house is still not finished from when we moved in 3 years ago, something which I hate and makes me even more anxious

 

Phew...I bet you wish you hadn't asked now!!

[nellie]

Bid

 

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. You must be superwoman! You could make a list of priorities. I can understand you not wanting to let people down, but you should come first.

 

After a lot of hard work, I have learnt to say 'no' to people without having to give an explanation or feeling any guilt. Practice on Jester!

 

I hope you manage to work something out.

 

Nellie <'> <'>

[elun1]

Hi Thanks ever so much for replies. I haven't really a clue how to sort it out to keep everyone happy and I don't think there's a right answer really but closest I can come is to maybe drop down to 2 days a week and see if that helps. Think I could maybe claim Carer's Allowance in addition to DLA if I do this as I think you can still work 16 hrs and claim. Only trouble with teaching is the huge amounts of work to bring home and the level of interest/commitment needed to be really good at the job and sometimes my head is full of nothing but autism. Keep thinking I should be dealing with it better 2 years after diagnosis. Thanks for replying - it really helps to hear about experiences of others - Elun xx

[bid]

Hi Elun

 

Carer's Allowance is related to how much you earn per week...I think it's about �80 ish??

 

Do you find that you are so stressed and tired that it's hard to concentrate on thinking of a solution??

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

[phasmid]

I have worked with job-share teachers in the past. Usualy whoever has worked the most hours in the class has been the lead teacher and done the majority of the planning/marking etc. Therefore the idea of dropping down to 2 days might just take enough pressure of you to make that little bit of difference. It's never easy to get it right. Everyone wants there little bit of you and that includes (or should) you too. I hope you find the right solution for you soon.

 

 

Phas x

[smiley]

Hiya Elun,

 

I can definately identify with this one! Two years ago i had four jobs . I was absoulutely exhausted and felt like i was just going aroung in circles.

 

Now, i just have one job. It's during school hours and term time, so i'm always about to do the school run. Things are tight money-wise, but i'm pleased i made the decision. I'm happier, so's my son and hubby

 

The only down side for me is boredom - i'm like you in that i love chaos and change. I enjoy dropping everything and doing something different, but my son hates it. And keeping my mind active is something else - i'm lucky that in my job i can do lots of training, so that helps to keep me sain . I've recently be offered a fantastic job, just my knid of thing, i know i'd love it, but ive turned them down. At the moment - my son's my priority. He's only 6, and needs my support, but once he's grown, i can get my teeth into the work id love to do!

 

If you find the magic answer - leme know!!

 

Also - does anyone know of any good courses i can do from home?? I'd love to use this time off to get some more qualifications....... Thing is, i'm not sure what area

Edited December 4, 2005 by smileymab

[loulou]

Hi elun,

 

I am a midwife and i work shifts. I am also a lone parent. My son Kai is 7 and he has ADHD/ASD.

 

I have only ever worked part-time since he was born, and thankfully tax-credits have topped up my income.

 

My job like yours, is pretty stressful, but at least i don't have to take my work home with me!

 

I have really struggled over the last year with juggling work and home, getting my son diagnosed, statemented and into a special school. So, i cut from three days a week to two, then to one night shift a week, and now i'm doing 2 school hour shifts a week!

 

I feel really guilty that i've messed work around, but they have been pretty good. My mum can't cope with Kai's outbursts, so i don't really have any childcare now.

 

I love my job and i find it really rewarding, but sometimes it just gets too much.

 

I also find it frustrating seeing colleagues going on various courses and furthering their career, when i just can't do that. So i just have to stay as a plain old midwife for now!

 

I don't think you can really ever have a great career and be a parent. The two don't really mix!

 

Loulou x

[Canopus]

I don't think you can really ever have a great career and be a parent. The two don't really mix!

 

That explains why as each year passes the number of kids born into decent middle class families decreases and the number of kids born into dole scrounging families increases. Haven't you noticed that middle class parents only seem to have one child nowadays and single mothers on council estates living off benefits have 3 or 4 kids - often from multiple fathers.

 

Simple arithmetic tells you that as time passes an ever higher percentage of the nation's population will fit into the yob, chav, thug, benefit scrounging, slackarse category. Statistically, children whose parents live off benefits on council estates take after their parents in later life and very few ever hold good careers in anything. I don't know if it's a genetic or cultural thing. It isn't the education system to blame because thanks to the NC kids on council estates in Sunderland learn exactly the same stuff at school and take the same exams as kids from affluent suburbs in Surrey. The internet has put an end to the insular nature of local communities and childhood itself because kids now have access to information they would never be able to get hold of or people they would never be able to communicate with before the internet existed.

[Kathryn]

I have a (very) part time job which just keeps me below the earnings limit threshold for getting carer's allowance. It has saved my sanity in the past year and done more than any therapy could have done: it gives me a chance to focus on something else and to be respected in my own right. (I had felt that I had lost my identity and just become "L's mother"). I am lucky as the job is both stimulating and non stressful (a rare combination!) and all the people I work with are lovely. My boss in particular has been very supportive of my home situation.

 

The job (director of studies at a small English language college) was the kind of position I was angling for for years but never had the experience to get - and ironically it was offered to me back in March when job hunting was the last thing on my mind. I had taiught at the college before and so I knew I could slot in comfortably without too much effort.

 

It's not well paid, I have to say, and I'm never going to make a great career out of it, but it keeps things ticking over, stops us going into the red, and keeps the confidence up. I'm not really a homemaker and would go mad stuck in the house all day. I don't feel able to do a more demanding job in terms of hours - as I write this my son is off school sick with an ear infection and I still feel the need to be on hand in case L has a crisis. I agree with Loulou - it's not easy to have a great career and be the primary carer.

[sue1957]

I gave up a well-paid job five years ago, company car, benefits etc. At the time I was the main breadwinner, my husband was a househusband, doing part time work as and when.

 

I was terrified, but the stress of trying to juggle everything was so bad that I chose to give up work before I cracked up completely. The funny thing is that financially we were no worse off. I hadn?t realised the cost of going to work. By the time I was taxed etc, the costs of work suits etc, makeup, etc for work, convenience foods etc, in reality I was earning much less than I thought. I was also buying a lot of stuff we didn?t need because I didn?t really stop and think about things enough ? I was the advertisers dream.

 

I took 2 years out and my husband went back to work full time, and I trained as a complementary therapist. Because of family commitments, most of the courses have been distance learning, and I found qualified practitioners locally happy to supervise any practical work involved. I now work part time as a complementary therapist, and rent my therapy room out to 2 other therapists, which covers some of the rent. We've all trained in different things and between the 3 of us we run workshops 2 days a month during term time, on various aspects of ADD/ADHD/AS such as nutrition, stress management, massage therapies etc.

 

I sold some of my book collection on Amazon (about 400 books) to help pay for my training, and found I enjoyed it so much, I now buy books and my eldest son lists them and packs them up to send off, and we split the profits. Again it is very part time and I can do it when I like. Only problem is that I keep loads to read, and have more books than ever piled up at home. But now I can call it �research� which doesn?t seem so bad.

 

We raised money on the mortgage and bought a property and did it up. That was fun, my husband does home and garden maintenance for a living, and I just did the house doctor bit (ideas but not the work )?? But it was our project, and the profit provided an income for a while as well. (Just wish he?d finish things in our house a bit quicker, after 18 months doing the bathroom I threatened to call in another builder).

 

After spending years trying to climb up the corporate ladder, since giving up �work� I?ve become a company director, property developer, complementary therapist, researcher, workshop organiser, and a school governor. I can put on what hat I like for as long as I like, and if one thing becomes a priority I let go of some of the others, I just try not to commit to anything I know in advance I?ll have a problem honouring.

 

My husband and I each work less than full time, its variable, so that it is rare one of us can?t do the school run. Committing to a workshop for example means my husband?s work has to remain flexible, as he will do the school run, and be on standby. If he starts a job he can?t leave half way through, I am the one doing the school run, and have to be prepared to change my work schedule if needed.

 

We manage between us somehow, and we now also have aging parents relying on us more due to ill health. Part time may become even less part time.

 

I believe you can have it all, but not necessarily all at the same time. I?ve given up trying to juggle too many balls. I am trying to throw one up at a time, trying to choose which one if at all possible, but if not they just have to wait awhile. Eventually I?ll get to them.

[rainbow queen]

sorry to say but CANOPUS after reading your post i feel slightly insulted

i was not brought up on a council estate

my mum and dad always worked

id worked since i was 16

i was working as a dental nurse until i met the father of my sons

after having abusive relationship and long history of mental health probs-i had nervous breakdown

i also contracted bacterial menigitis -which changed my life forever

after birth of my first son-i had to leave the abusive relationship

unlike the so called mums who get council houses just like that

i was never offered one

i lived in private rented

until this year [4 years on the council list] i got a council property

i had to live on benefits because

a/ my sons dad did not support me

b/ i couldnt work as i had to look after children

c/my health is not in a position to deal with a job

d/and my 2 boys have the same dad

 

alot of this blame should go to the men and the fathers not just agaisnt the single mums in this country

 

please dont tar us all with the same brush

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I agree with Rainbow Queen.

 

I felt insulted after your reply Canopus. I also don't agree with all you said either .

 

I come from a middle class family and I have a degree (as do the rest of my family). I also now live in a council house and i am a single parent.

 

I have a good job, and if i worked full time i could go and buy myself a house. Unfortunately this is impossible when bringing up a child (especially one with disabilities) by yourself.

 

So which group would you put me in then?

 

When i said that careers and parenthood don't mix, i didn't mean that you couldn't do both. What i meant was that you cannot focus 100% on one of them, without the other one suffering. I think 99% of parents would put their children first.

 

Loulou

[mossgrove]

I don't think you can really ever have a great career and be a parent. The two don't really mix!

 

That explains why as each year passes the number of kids born into decent middle class families decreases and the number of kids born into dole scrounging families increases. Haven't you noticed that middle class parents only seem to have one child nowadays and single mothers on council estates living off benefits have 3 or 4 kids - often from multiple fathers.

 

Simple arithmetic tells you that as time passes an ever higher percentage of the nation's population will fit into the yob, chav, thug, benefit scrounging, slackarse category. Statistically, children whose parents live off benefits on council estates take after their parents in later life and very few ever hold good careers in anything. I don't know if it's a genetic or cultural thing. It isn't the education system to blame because thanks to the NC kids on council estates in Sunderland learn exactly the same stuff at school and take the same exams as kids from affluent suburbs in Surrey. The internet has put an end to the insular nature of local communities and childhood itself because kids now have access to information they would never be able to get hold of or people they would never be able to communicate with before the internet existed.

Canopus

 

I have always enjoyed your posts, but this one is wrong on so many levels!

 

One thing that the last few years have taught me is to be very wary of passing judgement on other people, especially people I know nothing about.

 

You have posted elsewhere about the treatement art the hands of an education system that misjudged you. Have you stopped and thought at all about whether or not your judgement of people you so readily dismiss is soundly based? Are you not misjudging people in the same cack-handed manner?

 

As a middle class father of four from a middle class upbringing I make no claims whasover to be better than anyone else, but I have defied you stereotype thus far!

 

Perhaps you would like to reflect a little on what you have said?

 

Simon

[Kathryn]

Haven't you noticed that middle class parents only seem to have one child nowadays and single mothers on council estates living off benefits have 3 or 4 kids - often from multiple fathers.

Actually no, for what it's worth. Offhand I can think of seven families with four children, and two with five children in my immediate circle of "decent" middle class acquaintances.

[smallworld]

Me too Kathryn, and four children who are all 'absolute angels' oh yeh ??????

 

I grew up in a mining village of mainly council housing and wouldn't make any judgements on outcomes in terms of number of children/career/class etc.,we are all individuals.

But I would say that unless you have direct experience of such a life it would be very easy to come up with the sweeping generalisations made here based on the media interpretation of such a society.

There's a great piece about 'Kes' in this week's Observer which absolutely typifies the village I grew up in.

Living on a council estate doesn't determine your future, lots of other factors come into play. Lots (most ?) of parents don't set out to become single parents, but then it is more difficult to find work and get out of the benefits system.

Going to a posher uni (warwick) introduced me to a whole new set of people who had basically had life handed to them on a plate , and when they didn't make the grades 'daddy' paid for crammers so that they could at least get on a teacher training course

I try now to avoid making judgements about people ,

tricky topic,

wac

Edited December 6, 2005 by waccoe

[phasmid]

Canopus, I feel quite insulted by such a sweeping, general statement.

 

Why? Well does that comment include me and my family then canopus? I live in a council house, have 4 children and claim benefits. I used to own my own home - ill health took care of that one. When each of them were born I was in full time employment too. Is this a case of you judging the book by the cover? I learnt not to do that long ago. Phas jr and his brothers have suffered a lot at the hands of school based bullies who have done just that, because of his AS. On here I have come to expect better.

 

The internet has put an end to the insular nature of local communities and childhood itself because kids now have access to information they would never be able to get hold of or people they would never be able to communicate with before the internet existed.

 

Thats down to parental control. Instaed of looking at the 'dark side' of the internte I prefer to highlight this site (and others like it) because of the good that it does. How many of us, me included, have learnt many valuable things from here and other sites?

[mossgrove]

Thats down to parental control. Instaed of looking at the 'dark side' of the internte I prefer to highlight this site (and others like it) because of the good that it does. How many of us, me included, have learnt many valuable things from here and other sites?

 

If anyones going to be corrupted by the internet it's middle class kids!

 

Simon

[lorryw]

A few years ago I worked with a group of women. Our boss was married to a highly paid accountant and they had more money than they knew what to do with. Their three boys had everything money could buy, holidays, education etc. Several years down the line all three have sadly gone completely off the rails, all have been involved in drugs and one became a dealer.

Two of the other woman (both single Mums) have seen both their children off to Uni and are an absolute credit to their Mums.

Sometimes life throws us some really cruddy hands. People lose jobs, homes , partners through no fault of their own.

Working in schools has taught me never to judge by appearance or address. Things are very rarely as they seem.

Lorainexx

[alibaly]

So i just have to stay as a plain old midwife for now!

 

 

 

 

<'> there's no such thing <'>

[Canopus]

I'm sorry if I have upset or shocked anyone but what I stated in my post is actually the essence of what really is happening in Britain although the mainstream media doesn't report on it. I was at meeting about demographics last Saturday which contained several people who are experts on the subject. Many issues were discussed including immigration, emigration, and the make up of the nation. One of the findings was that Britain has a progressively shrinking middle class, and a growing dependency culture. An ever higher percentage of children are born into families in the lowest quartile whilst a lower percentage of children are born into families in the middle two quartiles. This is a result of several factors including changes to the economy and the job market and the generosity of the government when it comes to providing unemployment benefits. The job market in Britain is becoming increasingly divided between professional careers in law and finance, and unskilled low paid jobs in retail and fast food restaurants. Many middle class skilled jobs in offices and factories have vanished due to foreign competition and outsourcing to countries where labour is cheaper. Global free trade and a torrent of immigration depress salaries as companies are forced to minimise labour costs in the race to the bottom. As a result, most families now require that both parents work full time in order to earn enough to live off comfortably. Having two parents in full time employment means that they have to let their careers take priority over children and are increasingly choosing to have fewer children. If parents want children as their first priority then it can often work out better off financially and socially for them to live off benefits rather than work. If they can get a council house then even better.

 

Upwards social mobility in Britain is quite poor judging by various statistics and children born into families in the bottom quartile and those living off benefits often remain in the bottom quartile as adults. Unless this situation can be rectified, Britain will progressively slide towards a nation of people living off benefits or working in short contract unskilled jobs rather than employed full time.

 

Don't misinterpret my original post as saying that all council house tenants are lazy dole scrounging slackers or that those living off benefits are unworthy dishonest people. Many council tenants are quite decent people and some people living off benefits have a genuine reason to be given benefits such as ill health or having to look after disabled children. Sadly, there are (too) many fit and able council tenants living off benefits who abuse the system by spending all day boozing and smoking in front of the telly whilst their kids play video games or hang round street corners getting up to delinquency and crime. They make no effort to improve their lives such as educating themselves or their children with a high flying career in mind, or engaging in community activities.

 

One of the people who attended the meeting lives on a council estate and draws unemployment benefits. In fact he has never worked in his life and is now in his late 30s. He home educates all three of his kids because he enjoys doing so and thinks they are given a better education than if they went to school. If anyone calls him a dole scrounger then his counterargument is that he is saving the government money by not sending his kids to school although he hasn't yet worked out whether it is revenue neutral or not. Instead of spending money on consumer goods, he buys books and educational materials. All three of his kids are part of a home education network and involved in various outside activities, but most children they are friendly with don't live on the council estate or attend the local school. Many of the kids who live on the council estate are quite hostile and call them insulting names because they would rather read a history book than doss about outside.

[mossgrove]

Canopus

 

You have made an articulate attempt to defend the indefensible I think you need to read your original post again.

 

There are economic and demographic changes underway in this country, and many politicians and academics agree that we need to understand them (but do NOT share your interpretation of them) , but the use of the words scrounging, slackarse, yob, chav, thug and the rest was your responsibility alone and uncalled for in a forum about autism.

 

I sense a depply unpleasant political overtone to your postings on this thread, . I suggest you conduct discussion about your political views elsewhere and confine your contributions here to discussions relevant to people with autism.

 

Simon

Edited December 6, 2005 by mossgrove

[bid]

Moderator Alert!!

 

Let's all take a deep breath, and get this thread back on topic...

 

My beady eye is upon you!

 

Bid

[mossgrove]

Where were we.....

 

Balancing work and home life!

 

Reading this forum I realise that we are incredibly fortunate in the way we have been able to juggle things.

 

I work full time in IT for a Cable TV company, and my partner works 30 hours a week as a Sister in a Busy Intensive Care unit at a large hospital. Our children are 8 (Aspergers), nearly 6 (ASD), 4 (NT) and 2(NT)

 

We employ a Nanny for three days a week (we headhunted her from the after-school club J used to go to) who is brilliant with the kids and stuying for a degree part time so she can work with children with Autism.

 

Financially it is a hugely expensive undertaking involving more money going out each month than coming in which has only beeen possible due to the generosity of the Civil Service Redundancy scheme from about four years ago.

 

I am not sure that we are any better off with both of us working that we would be if one of us was a full-time parent, but doing it this way stops it becoming overwhelming, particulary during times like the school holidays as due to our childrens ages and their issues they can be quite a handful at times!

 

Simon

[Mother in Need]

I am a single parent of 3, the middle one of 12 has AS and comorbids and diabetes, I have worked since I was 11 years old, am a teacher but am currrently running my own business. I have NO family to help me out, I have NO support from their dad, and there is NO-ONE who is able to care for my AS son other than me. So where does that leave me? With precious little time to run my business as for instance this week alone, my son will only be at the Day Unit for 3 days and one of those days I ahve to be there too, so that only really gives me two days. I was so exhausted that I slept through the first (and had a bath!), and spent the first half of the second day catching up on long overdue stuff and the second half at a fair at my youngest school. That was all my free time for this week.

So back to the subject, how do you juggle work and home life? For me, it is putting the business on hold yet again, as my caring duties don't give me time to work at all. They don't juggle but if I don't try I will end up on one of those estates of Canopus and I DON'T want to live there due to the hooligans and young criminals living there (true too, I can name them for you and so can the local police, we've had loads of problems with them, i.e. my eldest has been attacked 5 times by them)

[Lynden]

Well a bit late to this but just to say I can relate - I have a small business that I run from home, which I'm going to close early next year - at least the web part of it because I just can't give it and the kids, Logan especially my time, and for now, he's my priority.

 

I am lucky in that my husbands job does allow me to stay home with the kids (though it does mean him in London through the week :-() so my business wasn't really for the money, it was more for me, doign something I enjoyed and that I was actually good at (I hope!) - but at the moment I'm more stressed than enjoying it - if I'm working I feel guilty that I should be spending my time with the kids, and Logan is only going to get more challenging over the next few years. Maybe once he's at developmental nursery I'll find the time to be able to do something.

 

Lynne x

[supersec]

I work four days a week, have two boys, one is 4 (asd) and goes to nursery 2 1/2 days a week and a one year old. Hubby runs his own business so can work his hours round mine although he does tend to work while he has Jamie, collecting stock etc as Jamie will happily sit in the van on long journeys.

 

Find it very stressful, lots going on at the moment with trying to sort out Julian's education changing the company to a Ltd Company, buying a house, falling out with the in-laws, and to top it of someone has just told me it is Christmas in two and a half weeks (joking have done all my shopping and wrapping up and just waiting for the fallout!!)

 

Oh well

 

That is my lot in life!

 

Supersec

[Hectorshouse]

Bit late to this thread as well, and a bit scared from an earlier post so kept away. Glad its back on topic now.

 

I have always worked in way or another, never been able to be a complete stay at home mom, it drove me mad initially after A was born and having PND didn't help, work helped me have an escape. After T was born my late husband and I ran our own business for 5 years and did very very well, after he died however I went bankrupt and homeless and unemployed it was a BIG turning point. After that came T's DX, and even bigger turning point.

 

In 2000 I went back to college as a mature (allegedly) student to do the A Levels I never got around to doing when I was younger, after 3 years of studying I had 3 very good A Levels (pat on back for the old git herself) and a diploma in Fine Art. I went on to University to study for a BA in English and Media studies but had to give up after a year because of all the problems T was having in school. Throughout this I have worked on and off as a barmaid, chambermaid, shop assistant and now back to barmaiding. Its not a career and I miss having the goal of studying, but I do enjoy what I do, it gets me out of the house and I get paid to socialise and the tax credits are a god send.

 

Saying all of this though, there still isn't enough of me to go around, T's needs are obviously always there, A has his problems and the long suffering partner often feels neglected. I used to have quite a wide circle of friends but not anymore, I have just had to sit back and only do what I feel able to do, and unfortunately I can't make everyone happy all of the time, sometimes I do feel as if I forget about me, but this is often the case with us parents, we always seem to put ourselves last.

 

HHxx

[Elanor]

Hi

 

I had to give up my career as a business consultant due to stress, and was at home full-time. That didn't work out either - I still couldn't cope with my son, so my husband ended up having to take voluntary redundancy so that he could be at home.

 

It was all a bit of a mess, and as I worked in a very specialised area, I couldn't go back to it as I was out of date, so I started again in a part-time job (now f/t) - which has worked out spectaculary well (so far!) and I've never enjoyed work so much in my life. I'm studying accountancy (exam in 1.5 hours!!!!!) and my husband is heavily enagaged in running the local AS parents group.

 

It helps a lot that we can manage without the high salaries we used to have (always thrifty - I wonder if we knew there was a rainy day coming up).

 

Its wierd, but as a family, we've never been happier.

 

Elanor

[OPooh]

Hi

 

I'm really not happy with the whole balancing thing atm. I work part-time as a science technician at the local comp - purely because it fits in with my son's needs. I tried night work with great-granny (in-law) looking after him but she couldn't cope with him - says he was "rude" etc.

 

I'd like to do something with my degree but am waiting to see what happens after my son is finished being assessed.

 

My husband works 3 X 12 hr shifts a week (but can do overtime too resulting in sometimes 8 shifts in a row). And they vary between days and nights. But is reasonably good money.

[Klou]

Elun 1

 

I am a teacher I job share, three days a week and I agree it is too much. I'm sure I don't do my job properly i.e. spend all weekend and spare time on school stuff. I used to worry about it. I went back to work full time when ds was 6 months old because I couldn't find good part time child care. Big mistake as he hit one year I couldn't cope with the job and I resigned. Six months later I admitted to myself I was depressed and did something about it. I did supply for a while and now I am job sharing at one of the schools I did the supply at.

 

I had a major perspective change. I don't really think I can do anything other than teach. I have tried, it wasn't me. But I don't really believe it is a vocation that I should devote all my time to. I could always do more but I do what I have to, meet the deadlines and try to go the extra mile when I can for kids who need a bit more. I care about what I do but my family matters more especially as DH hasn't got wonderful health and ds is going through the assessment process.

 

Sometimes I get down especially having eight boys in my class with SEN who all behave like my four year old at frequent intervals. I have to say it is the social aspect of working I like. The fact I have an identity other than 'mother' which I didn't think I would continue to need but realise I definitely do.

 

Ds goes to nursery while I work and DH works full time (and then some!) We both feel the pressure of not having enough time together and then the pressure when we do. Too much of this quality time business can be a bad thing!

 

It different for everyone and you just have to do what is right for you. I usually favour intuition for solving these sorts of issues.

[elun1]

Hi Klou

I'm like you in that I can't and don't really want to do anything other than teaching but am really struggling with it at the moment. I find I spend every minute of my 'days off' doing schoolwork, planning, marking etc etc because ds1 and 2 need (and deserve) every minute of my time once they're back from school. dh is full time shift worker at the mo so he is only here 1 weekend in 3 so can't do schoolwork then. Try to work in evenings too but am feeling more and more exhausted and inadequate as the months roll by. I'm always the one at work who can't really go to things like evening events e.g. xmas plays and hate always having to say no. My colleauges are lovely - very very supportive but I still feel huge guilt. Can't afford and don't want to stop working altogether but have to make some changes somewhere as I'm now suffering panic attacks etc and feeling v stressed. Not moaning! I can see from reading people's post that we're all prettymuch in the same boat! Better go as waiting for call from social services - trying to sort out respite care and that isn't doing a lot for my stress levels either

Take care Elun xx