I am sooo bl**dy LIVID!!!

[Tylers-mum]

Quick low-down.

I collected T from school and handed my 'finally' completed Annual Review form to his class teacher. She then informed me that T had an incident with another child in his class. whilst lining up outside the classroom to go out to play. He pushed this boy over whilst in line (which she admitted he had difficulty lining up) and then punched him. This boy was there when she explained the incident to me. She said that he missed 5mins of play b/c of this as discipline.

I said my piece to T (that I wasn't happy with his actions etc) and told him to apologise to this boy which he did in front of me and his teacher. His teacher then told me that he had already apologised after the incident.

 

Fast forward 1 and a half hours.

The incident had not been mentioned since arriving home, as far as i was concerned, I'd said my piece at the school and it was over.

Sat at the table eating tea with T and totally out of the blue he informed me that when his teacher took him into his classroom after the incident to sit down on the floor for 5mins, T had got up and made a run for the door b/c he wanted to go out to play. He told me that his teacher ran after him and grabbed hold of the back of his jumper (fleece with a 3/4 zip on the front) and dragged him back to the floor area causing his jumper to (in his own words' strangle my neck and my neck hurts'. I have looked and no marks but he said it hurts inside his neck.

I sat there in shock and questioned this incident thoroughly, made sure he wasn't lying etc (I honestly don't believe he is) and he is adament he is telling the truth saying over and over 'she did Mum, she did'.

 

As you know, the relations between the school and I have broken down completely now and I am absolutely LIVID that this occured. Tried calling the school but no answer so will go tomorrow to ask the teacher for her account of what happened in the classroom (without letting on what I know), just to see what she comes out with, not that she'll tell me about this incident anyway!

 

I am seriously considering keeping him home from school b/c this is abuse and mistreatment. I will not stand for it!

Am I legally allowed to keep my son at home???

Where do I stand with this whole incident???

 

Off to have a cig now as stressed. I won't even bother to tell you what happened between me and his Head Teacher this morning!! Prat!!

Edited December 8, 2005 by Tylers-mum

[laine]

Dont know the legal system but i would be peed of to say the least. Not much use but i will send you and yours. BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Laine

[lisann]

I don't know the legal system but this should not be allowed to happen.You have every right to be very angry I would be.The thing I will say is at our old school we had an incident where by my son was man handled and I backed down and believed the school in the end because I was a) too frightened and b/ was lead to feel I was alone fighting. I now wish I had taken it much further as Char has never lied and I feel I let him down very badly.

 

Please if you totaly believe your son stand by him and fight for him if I had know about this forum back then and had the right support I strongly beleive I would have been much stronger.

 

Love of love

Lisa x

Edited December 8, 2005 by lisann

[krystaltps]

Hi Tyler's mum, I can understand your rage. Speaking as a nearly qualified teacher - we are told right at the very start of training - do NOT touch the kids!! This makes dealing with infants levels very difficult as they are always touching and hugging you. How old is Tyler? When Callum was at nursery, the staff sought permission to forcibly restrain him if necessary. I agreed, as otherwise he would not have been able to go to nursery. This restraint involved wrapping him up in your arms and holding him in a kind of bear-hug - stopping him hurting himself and others and, because it was a technique we used at home, I was happy to go along with it, and no harm ever came to him. The same technique was used in the early days of primary 1, again with my permission. He doesn't need this these days, but I know that if he makes a run for it, the staff are not allowed to try to catch him or pull him back - they can only follow him (unless of course he is careering into danger).

You are right, you do need to discuss this with his teacher.... but tread very carefully because allegations like this are treated extremely seriously. I hope you get things sorted out.... Good luck

[Corcaigh]

Tyler's mum, I am very sympathetic <'> My son (who's now out of that school full of incompetent arrogants... ) came home several times in the past complaining of several mistreatments from an untrained Special Need Assistants. There were neck-pulls similar to the one described by your son, witnesses saw him literally DRAGGED out of the gym once, and another time he come back home with a mark on his arm caused by a pinch (a "restraining pinch", somebody can please what's the meaning of that?!?!).

We never complained because we know what a difficult customer my son can be at times, but then his arrogant principal started complaining about the "alleged" abuses that my son was inflicting to his SNA...!!! At that stage my husband blurted out (to him and only to him) in anger about all the pulling, showing and pinching reported at home by my son, and the arrogant principal asked straightaway to "withdraw the allegations made toward a member of his staff" The cheek of him! It almost ended up in legal litigation (that was only a small piece in the jig-saw of arrogance and abuses toward us parents, I'm afraid), culminated with the withdrawal of my son (still at home waiting to start in another school... hopefully next week).

 

I suggest you to raise your voice but do expect a very defencive response from the school. I dunno how sympathetic is your head, as I said ours was VERY unsympathetic and prone to verbal abuse, and in this situation the child is always the one who loses.

 

<'>

 

Martina

 

P.S. Sheena, i had given to the school formal consent to use the bear wrap ("body wrap") to restrain my son, but the SNA never used it because she "had a bad back"

Edited December 8, 2005 by Corcaigh

[oracle]

A similar thing happened to a Mum in our group. The SENCO at her sons school physically restrained him and the child actually stripped off 'all' of his clothing to get away from her. This was when his Mum realised that the placement had broken down beyond repair and kept him at home. I first of all rang the Outreach Team and explained what had happened and then the Director for Inclusion and Achievement and told him that Mum would not be sending her child back to that school. The Outreach Team visited the family and helped them while the child was out of school.

 

Our Mum had been asking for an assessment and the school had blocked her every which way. We managed to get him a placement in the ASD specific school while he had an assessment of his needs. Then his Mum and I did a tour of the local schools and found one that was so far removed from the old school that they were light years apart.

 

I would ring IPSEA and ask them about the legal ins and outs of this situation. They are the experts. You could also ring NAS and ask for their advice. You must point out that the placement had broken down and you no longer have any trust in the school. Hopefully they can help point you in the right direction.

 

Another thought is would your GP give Tyler a sick note while you try and sort this out. If you could get him to say that the school is now having a negative impact on Tyler and he is unable to attend it would certainly help. This was something else our Mum did.

 

Carole

[Flora]

Tylersmum, <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I can't add anymore to the advice thread here, but I do hope you get to the bottom of it. It's way out of order and the teacher should have told you. Poor boy got made to apologise twice and yet he's the one feeling wronged too. Hardly surprising our kids often feel like they've got nobody on their side. I do hope she gives you the true story and you're not left floundering on what to do. On more than one occasion I've had my son's teacher tell me he's a liar and it's a bitter pill to swallow, particularly when both stories are credible.

 

Let us know how you get on tomorrow. If it was me I would keep him off until I knew what was what.

 

<'>

Lauren

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Tylersmum, so sorry to hear that, I hope you stand up to this inappropriate method of dealing with your son.

 

They need to learn Behaviour Modification that works for our ASD children, if you look in the resources there maybe some section of recommended ways to help set boundaries with our ASD child resorting to this type of handling is totally unacceptable. I would be doing some research and hitting them head on calling a meeting with the teacher and principle and even asking your sons doctor to add his two bobs worth, even if in the way of a letter. Don't let them get away with this. Stop this from ever happening again. This teacher was out of control, obviously lacks the skills.

Sending you some of these <'> <'>

 

Regards

Hailey

 

Just remember, you are your childs greatest alley. You are a wonderful parent and don't you forget it.

[Brook]

Hi Tylers-mum,

 

Reading your post sent an angry shiver down my spine, when my son was in school

there was a parent assembly (not his class) he could never handle assemblies and

started to shout out, he was removed by a TA, obviously there were parents there

that knew us, we were told by them that the way my son was taken out was 'not very

nicely handled'.

 

Later that day I began to talk about the assembly with my son, I wrote down everything

he said word for word, I didn't change one thing he said.

My husband told them that my son would not be returning until it was sorted and if we

find out that our son was badly handled we would be involving the police! a bit strong

but my hubby was ANGRY (he also worked at the school).

 

I arranged for appointment with head, senco and teacher, I read word for word what

my son had said, there was a lot of shuffling and akward small talk at first, in the end

I was in there for two hours, by the end of it they KNEW that we were serious and he

must NEVER be handled like that again, and thankfully he wasn't.

 

Brook

[Tylers-mum]

Thanks all for your responses, although I haven't replied before now, I have been popping in and checking them so Thank You.

 

OK, this morning whilst T was eating breakfast, I sat down with him and wrote down word for word what the teacher had said so I apologise now for the bad grammer. LOL . This is the end result...

 

"I hurt O and punched him and and then he throwed himself oon the floor and Mrs T (class teacher) heard it and the dinnerlady saw it when I punched him but she didn't see him fall on the floor and the dinnerlady was going to bring me to my classroom but she didn't hold my hand to bring me there and I just runs back to the corridor. Then the dinnerlady looked at me and saw me and then she told me to get here and I went towards her butI didn't feel like it. I was in a lot of trouble, the dinnerlady told me to get in the classroom, I went inside and Mre T was not proud of me and no oone was in there only Mrs T and O and Mrs T told me to say Sorry to O and I did say sorry and I ran towards the door and O was not there b/c he went down to play and Mrs T grabbed the back of my neck on my jumper and she pulled it and strangled me and I was walking backwards and she put me back where I was on the floor by Mrs T's chair on **** groups table by the books (other end of classroom). I was crying and Mrs T said 'That won't get you to go down to play for crying' and I stopped crying and then Mrs T let me go down to play and I played with S"

 

I got to the school early to catch his teacher before any of the other kids arrived. Asked her what had happened after the incident with O when T had been in the classroom with her. She looked startled or surprised (not sure which one it was) and proceeded to tell me what had happened. Then I asked T to give his account and he said that 'you grabbed me on the back (whilst showing her what she did by holding the back of his jumper up) and Mrs T was shocked and in a paniced voice said 'No I did not T, I put my hands on your shoulders and guided you back to the floor', she looked at me and said 'I know he doesn't like to be touched' (someone's been reading my AR report I sent in yesterday! She adamently refused the allegations andI could see she was quite upset by what T had said. By this time, children and parents had arrived and I didn't wnat to discuss this in front of them so i took T aside and we dicussed this further. I asked him if Mrs T held you like this (whilst imitating the gesture) or like this (jumper pull) and he said 'Well I think Mum'. 'You think what T?? I asked. 'Well I think she did Mum'. 'I repeated that Mrs t would be in a lot of trouble if she did what T said she did and that it was VERY important he tell me the truth. Basically, he said that he thinks that Mrs T held his jumper and dragged him but when T says the word 'thinks', that usually means he isn't sure. By the end of the convo, it appears that Mrs T did not drag him by his collar neck and that she did hold his shoulders and guide him. Now I'm confused b/c I want to believe T but yet Mrs T was adament she didn't do it and did T recanted what he said b/c he was cornered so to speak or b/c he was questioned by his teacher?? I was sooo angry and my voice broke a few times but I made him apologise to Mrs T who was happy it was over and explained that Christmas gets all the children overwhelmed. I then apologised also. She said she could see I was stressed. Hmmm!!

 

Anyway, lastnight I had called IPSEA for advice and they were great and basically said to approach the which which I did and get a Behavioural plan drawn up with the school. Said there was nothing I could really do regarding the incident as no mark were visable. Said they'd get my reg IPSEA lady to call today which I wasn't expecting but she just called and said that what I said about the events yesterday are happening more and more freqently b/c Autistic kids can't and don't react the same as we do to situations and when questioned, it is hard to understand if things happened as they said b/c the teachers and Head all back each other up and it's their word against the child's with no proof of what really happened. B/c of his understanding issues as with all Autistic kids, it is hard to get to the root of things. She said that she is the mother of an Autistic girl and she has been in this same position may a time.

Suggested that I call a meeting with the Head,, teacher and SENCO to draw up a Behavioural plan and explain that T is Autistic and that they need to acknowledge that. If they admit they are unable to cope, then i can have him transferred to a school of my choice (which I'm hoping for anyway) but getting them to admit to that is not going to be easy. She was wonderful and we chatted for a good 20mins or so. Other things were mentioned which i can't remember right now but I will get something sorted for me son.

 

I just feel guilty for doubting him now.

[Paula]

My son used to attend a mainstream school.

It was the worst year of his life.The teachers had absolutley no understanding of the condition.

 

It was like banging youre head agaisnt a brick wall.he was bullied,spat on even had his nose bloodied and this was 5 year olds.

 

He couldnt take part fully in school dinners because of the hsuslte and bustle so i used to send him packed lunches with a drink inside.During the summer hed be so so thirsty the reason being he couldnt open his juice and no dinner lady supervisor helped him.

When i asked the teacher if someone could please make sure he had a drink they said all he has to do is ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Then when he was bullied againe the teacher said all he has to do is give me the names of the boys or gilrs.I tried to explaine he didnt know his own name let alone anyone elses.

It ws the final straw.I pulled him out the school.Found a special school and even though im making it sound easy and it wasnt he gained a place there.

 

Not everyone wants there child to be in a special school but i think for some children its the best place.Least yer not trying to explaine all the time to teachers,parents kids who really dont give a damn what it means to be aspergers /autistic.

 

 

Id have been fumeing if that had been my son.Its outrageous.

[elun1]

At the risk of making myself really really unpopular here (and that isn't my intention ) just wondered if I could put across a slightly different viewpoint. I've been teaching for quite a long time now and also did a lot of supply teaching when my boys were babies. In my experience (and that is all it is) most teachers love working with children and do honestly try to do their best in a difficult set of circumstances. The job is pressured beyond belief though this is, of course, never an excuse not to meet the needs of every child in your class. I do think that the majority of teachers try to do that but the training we receive for Special Needs is quite honestly inadequate. You have to put a lot of effort of your own in to make up the shortfall you receive in college. Until my youngest ds was diagnosed with autism I had a vague understanding of the condition but that is not good enough for our children. When I did have a boy on the spectrum in my class (didn't have my son then) I did a lot of reading and spoke on many occasions to his lovely mum. By working together we managed to have a good year. Of course there are teachers out there who may not be like this but I can honestly say I personally haven't met that many. My son is severe so is in special school. Sometimes although it's upsetting I think this is the easier option. For higher functioning/as children I'd imagine that parents encounter even more difficulties. I do hope things improve for you soon

Elunxx

[Paula]

Thats the point though isnt it.

 

mainstream teachers havent had sufficient training to cope with or fully understand Autism/Aspergers or any other learning difficulty.

 

So why are kids shoved in mainstream schools.They shouldnt be.

I agree teachers have a tough enough job copeing with large class loads and normal kids they shouldnt have to deal with other problems also.

 

Parents know best and if they want there child to attend a special school then that choice should be availabel to them.It shouldnt be decided by the LEA and as in my case a report written by beleive it or not a physcologist who hadnt even met my son where was best for him to attend.

 

Sometimes its crazy absolutley mad.People making decsions about children they havent met conditions they dont know enough about which can cause upset and utter unhappiness for the child and family.

 

I hated leaving my son at that school he screamed on arrival,yelled when collected.His behaviour was amplified it was hell.And all because the LEA knew best.Well they didnt.

 

Im still boiling over it all 6 years down the line.

Sorry to have ranted but boy it feels good to let of steam.

[elun1]

I know what you mean Paula and whether they would admit it or not (may be afraid to be seen to be discriminationg) most good teachers see it that way too but they do not get any say in who comes into their classes. I spoke up many times to say that lovely asd boy in my class should not be there - it wasn't the right place for him. Ed psych said hurtful things in response to this e.g. that I only wanted 'normal' kids in my class - her ignorant words, not mine. Every child deserves the placement that is right for them and their families. This is in every one's best interests but it seems to be one long battle unless your child is severely autistic. Most teachers welcome more training but they do not often get it when it matters most. Only suggestion (not been patronising, I'm sure you've tried it anyway) is to keep lines of communication open between you and class teacher. Give them information if you have the energy - and lots of it. Request a regular meeting to monitor your child's progress and be very insistent if you need to.

Take care Elunx

[Paula]

Elun 1

 

Im one of the lucky ones i got my son a placement at a special school and its fantastic.

 

The kids are all on the autistic spectrum though one or two have other problems.They go from ages 5 to 16 so i dont have to worry about senior school and theres only 90 kids in the whole school.Classes are taught in groups of the same ability not age related.Its just fantastic.

 

The only down side if theere is one is that he has to travel an hour on the bus every morning.Hes picked up at 7.45 and doesnt get home till 4.30pm.Because the bus picks up 10 other children from my area to take to the school.Its actually only 20 minutes away but its pickcing up kids that takes the time.Its a small price to pay though and it doesnt bother him hes up dressed ready for the off.

 

Thats how i know i did the right thing.From the very start he was like a different child.And his confidence soared.Plus he made freinds as we like to put it like minded freinds.

 

This week theyve been to a museum and the theatre all paide for by charities and donations.Thats another point these schools are funded better so theres more opportunities also.

 

My worry is whats going to happen when he leaves school at 16.Thats the next big test.The next biggy.Well cope though yer have to.

[elun1]

Hi again Paula - What a teatime! My youngest is going through a phase (well I hope it's a phase!!) of refusing to eat anything but alphabites and g/f fishfingers. v stressful.

The placement sounds just lovely. We too are very lucky. DS2 in fab little unit attached to school - it's ASD specific and he has full time 1 to 1 and a lot more opportunities/funding than would ever be possible in mainstream. We were lucky to get a place but he was diagnosed very early, aged 2 and there was never any question of him coping in mainstream and that was a mixture of sadness and relief for me. Although he's very small I think about the future a lot. He will always need support but what will be best I have no idea. I guess we'll just have to face it when it comes

Elun x