marriage

[jane c]

I am fairly sure that my Husband of 4 years has aspergers .I had no idea when I met him.I just thought he was shy.He is 44. I cant type properly because the tears are pouring down my face.

He has become impossible to live with.

He is miserable,looks miserable,un loving tells me to shut up when I cry and is totally obsessed by our 3 yr old son.He wont discuss anything with me.I dont know where to turn.

[nellie]

Jane welcome to the forum

 

I was in a similar position after my son was diagnosed with autism 9 years ago, when it became apparent that my husband had the same kind of problems. Once I understood AS, I understood my husband's differences and why he behaved in a certain way. It didn't happen overnight, but we worked through it and overcame most of the difficulties. We have been married 28 years and have a stable and happy marriage.

 

I hope the information on this link helps. If I can help in any way, please ask. Feel free to Personal Message me if you think it would help.

 

AS / Relationships and Marriage, Information on family relationships

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=727

 

 

Nellie <'> <'>

[littlenemo]

My partner has AS too and we've had some rough times but mostly before we knew about the AS

 

I hope you can work it out - Nellie is lovely and full of wisdom on these things - PM her

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Zemanski

[DAS999]

My girlfriend (mid 20's) has recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism and we have had a very bad few years and things got to the point where I could not cope. After the diagnosis I learned about ASD and I have become more understanding and my girlfriend is learning too. We are happier now, still a long way to go but we will get there together. Stick with it and look for the help and support you need and deserve.

All my best

<'>

[Suze]

Hello Jane Welcome to krism, you sound so sad ,but try not to worry I,m sure things can be worked out.There are some really good books about ,written for people in your situation, you might find some help in the resources section of the forum.Stay around and chat on the forum were all here to offer support....Just a thought has your hubbys "AS" got worse lately, and if so has stress, change, anxiety been prevelant in your lives? (these can make AS worse).............do you think he maybe suffering from depression, would he visit your gp with you to discuss your worries?...........there are therapies that can help, such a cognitive behavioural therapy, Suzex

[ceecee]

Just sending you some of these.You sound at the end of your teather <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I think it helps to try to understand A.S. and why he might be doing these things.A.S. can be managed but not cured.

 

Is he aware of how he behaves or is he totally oblivious.I have mild A.S. and am very aware of where my difficulties lie.My husband and I work through things together and look for solutions.i would say I have a happy and strong marriage but A.S. has caused problems in the past.

 

It is a plus in lots of ways that your husband is obsessed with your son becayse many times people with A.S. can go the other way and ignore people.There often doesn't appear to be any middle ground.

 

Does your husband realise he might have A.S>? does he realise what you suspect?

 

Hope things get better for you soon.You have come to the right place here.There are many knowledgable people here and this forum is a wealth of information.

 

Aspergers can be totally heartbreaking but it does have positives too.Take care. :

[baddad]

Hi jane -

 

I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive or anything, but your post doesn't say very much about why you feel your husband may have an ASD...

To a certain degree, I wonder whether the 'ASD' question at this time is the most important one.

If he is miserable, and you are miserable, and you are not talking to each other about the reasons behind that unhappiness, that's maybe the area you should be looking at first(?) It's difficult, i know, but perhaps relate could be a good starting point, and if ASD does come out of that, well at least you've already established a platform for some sort of dialogue on the subject.

Whatever way you look at it, your husbands shyness has 'evolved' into something different, and while that could be ASD related the fact is that it would have been a factor throughout your marriage, so it's unlikely to be a DIRECT cause of your current problems.

Parenting can create all sorts of problems within a relationship, and it may be that the situation developing around your son has other implications - perhaps in the way your husband views you, or in how he perceives his own role within the family(?)

Sorry if any of the above sounds harsh - it certainly isn't intended that way, but sometimes when we look for answers to very difficult questions we come to the wrong conclusions. That's not to say that AS or ASD isn't a factor, just that given the dynamics you mention it's unlikely to be the only piece in the puzzle...

I hope that's helpful and doesn't sound twee - i am fully aware that getting to the point where you are talking to one another is no easy step. Sometimes it's an impossible one, but it is a fact, I think, that you can't fix anything unless you know what the problem is and at the moment, with the best will in the world, you can only make educated guesses...

Very, very best

BD

[nellie]

Jane,

 

I think dialogue is important in any marriage, especially if there are problems. Have you tried writing as a form of communication? A rolling conversation on Microsoft Word that you can add to or maybe email each other. Not being face to face can help and it gives you time and space to think before replying.

 

I hope this has been helpful.

 

Nellie xx

[Paula]

There is a book called liveing with mr spock i cant remember who wrote it.Its a true story about a woman who falls in love with an autistc man.

 

Might be worth a read.

 

I got the book from jessica kingsley publications they specialize in books to do with as adhd alsorts of stuff and cover all sorts of scenarios.

 

 

Take care.

 

And please dont take too much to heart if he appears uncaring and unloveing.MY son says every day he cant stand me and hates my guts then the next minute he says im great.If i crumbled everytime he was hurtfull id nevr function.Hes got AS.

[reuby2]

Hi I'm just wondering what made you think about aspergers.

Have you come into contact with anyone with aspergers or have any experience of it?

I know that right now seems hard but you will come through it if you hold on. I agree with Baddad and Nellie that finding time to talk about things is important.I know many men who sound like your husband and they haven't got AS but just find it difficult to communicate. Do you have much time together ,just the two of you (without your little one?) as it's so easy to just fall into a routine and then our husband/wife relationship can suffer.

If you find out it is AS then it may be easier to accept his ways, but it would be good to explore other areas first such as communication, life changes etc.

 

Hope you don't mind me posting this.

All the best <'>

Edited December 20, 2005 by reuby2