It's all kicked off again.

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I don't know what it is about Fridays but Kai has kicked off BIG TIME. I've just spent ?100 on a new door for my washing machine that he broke last friday .

 

Since he got in from school he's been moody and he kicked off in a big way b/c i told him off for swearing. He kept on swearing so i decided to take 1/2 hour off his bedtime everytime he swore. I said he could earn back the time for every 1/2 hour he DIDN'T swear.

 

Well, that went down well (not).

 

He went ballistic and punched me in the groin, so i put him in time out in the bathroom. He was trying to tip over the wardrobe, so i had to move him to the landing (thought that was a safe place). He THEN pulled the bannister off the wall and i have plaster all over the stairs now . I flipped and told him to go to bed and stay there until tomorrow.

 

He has now ripped off a load of wallpaper in his room, pulled the blind off, trashed the place and is now trying to break his bed .

 

I've stayed in my room ignoring him. I don't know what to do when he kicks off like this. If i get him out just to stop him breaking things, then he's won. I won't tolerate him swearing at me or hitting me, but i don't want my house ruined either.

 

My house is SO small, there just isn't anywhere for him to chill out when he has a meltdown. I'm waiting to be re-housed by the council but could be waiting a long time.

 

I can't stand this anymore. I'm seriously considering letting him go residential at his school.

 

Any advice anyone?

 

Loulou x

[reuby2]

I haven't really got any ideas but sending <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Hope it gets better soon!

[lindy-lou]

hi loulou,sorry your having a tough time hun <'> can you get a letter from your doc and any other professionals involved in kai's care to write letters to hurry up your house move?you will get more points on medical grounds

 

what do you think triggers his aggresive behaviour?do you think he knows fridays mean weekends and he has to adjust his routine which might be upsetting him?i know swearing at you ISNT acceptable but maybe if you could ignore it for a while he might not do it as much if he doesnt get a reaction?i know its easier said than done.hope things settle down a bit for you x

[hev]

sorry to hear you are going through this again lou lou,i do feel for you as i have been there many times,ive no advice really as when steve goes like this its just a question of waiting till hes ready to calm down,nothing i do makes any difference,i am thinking of you,be strong love hev

[loulou]

Hi,

 

He's calmed down now, so i've let him out of his room. I've just given him the dustpan and brush to sweep up the plaster and he said, "This is fun".

 

Now he's tidying his room and chatting away happily as if nothing ever happened. It's weird.

 

Liny-lou, i did get quite a few extra points for Kai, but i've been told i'll still have a long wait. I wrote to the Head of Housing last week, so we'll see if that helps

 

Loulou (in need of alcohol) xx

[OPooh]

I know it sounds awful but can you take photos of damage and stuff and take them and really pester the council.

 

Otherwise can only echo what lindy_lou has said and offer some <'> <'> <'>

[Canopus]

Does he have meltdowns at school and trash the place, or does it only happen at home?

[oracle]

I think that Canopus has asked a very valid question. If the outburst are only happening at home then maybe it's because the pot boils over at home. That does not mean that it is not on a slow boil while he is at school.

 

I will probably be shot in flames for saying this but I grew a hide 1ft thick when it come to swearing. David used it like a weapon and only when he realised he was not provoking any reaction did he stop. Also I would rather be swore at than have the house trashed.

 

Can you find something for him to do when he does melt down. We ripped up telephone directories and newspapers. We also allow Matthew to kick seven kinds of S**t out of our shed door. It ain't hurting us and it releases his frustrations. You can not simply say to a child with ASD stop doing that. You always need to have an alternative and if they are 100% of what that alternative is then you have every right to expect them to use it. Of course this would work every time in la la land but in reality it does not always work. But at least you will have given clear boundaries and expectations. I know that it's not always easy to stick to this but it helps if you can. I also always carry out any threats but try not to overload with this either because this often makes the meltdown worse. If Matthew is already into a meltdown I will sometimes wait until after the event before applying sanctions.

 

I am sure that you have probably tried most of this already so apologies if you have.

 

Carole

[Klou]

Hi loulou

 

I don't really know what to say other than be strong and find some time for that drink and chill out.

 

We have more problems at the weekend too. Nothing like the same extent in terms of swearing and trashing the house but ds gets very aggressive in how he speaks to us. I wonder if it is only because he doesn't know any swear words and it hasn't occured to him to trash the house in his rage. He does hit though.

 

Maybe it is because things are different at home each weekend. It is certainly true in our house. We don't do the same things in the same order every Saturday and Sunday.

 

Recently things have got a bit better for us and I think it is because we now have the dx we are being a bit easier on him, our expectations aren't so high. We're not responding in the same way to the things he does to test us. Consequently we are not getting locked into a battle between what we think a child of four should be doing/behaving and trying to exert our authority on his behaviour.

[Suze]

Lou lou, not again you poor thing.Sounds like a big build up and then he lets rip on fridays.Must be from the school week.Just a suggestion but when he,s coiled up and ready to blow like you said he was this evening, could you maybe next time ignore all the swearing etc(deal with the discipline etc when he,s calmer)and don,t engage in the battle.Maybe the time outs etc are just too much for him to handle and give him reason to blow at you?.............don,t know if any of that would help , but my son (who is 10)....gets very wound up snarls at you etc, I don,t give him eye contact(he hates it when he,s angry) and if he starts f**** , b**** at me I just ignore it and tackle it when he,s calmer.Best of Luck hope this evening stays calm for you suzex.

[phasmid]

I think Carole's advice is spot on. Better he swears his head off and you don't get hurt and the house doesn't get trashed. Your wellfare is just as, if not more, important as his is. If he can agree to using a pre-agreed stratergy for a meltdown it would help both of you to cope.

 

As for the housing situation I suggest that you get onto your gp/specialist WHOEVER, anyone who can write a letter of support to stress how important the need for your move is AND what effect the delay is having on your families health. Also contact your MP and local councilor as well. I have been here and it isn't nice, not at all, the strain in my case put me in hospital and did my health no good whatsoever. You are going to have to pestter them on a daily basis as it is worse with them then LEAs. The quiet ones they ignore. Get hold of the housing swap lists...we did and found the soloution to the problem for them, they hadn't even looked there themselves! Those letters will help. Get them and get the housing officer to come out and do an assesment of how many points you have got and MAKE them explain the delay. Then PESTER, PESTER,PESTER them for all your worth.

[Flora]

Hi lou lou. I agree with the replies here.

 

I don't know what else to add as I often am at a loss to do at times like this. (William really trashes his room when he's having a melt down).

 

<'> <'> <'> I know it's not much help but know you're not alone and there is always someone here to offer virutal tea and sympathy.

 

<'> <'>

Lauren

[asereht]

I think that Canopus has asked a very valid question. If the outburst are only happening at home then maybe it's because the pot boils over at home. That does not mean that it is not on a slow boil while he is at school.

 

I will probably be shot in flames for saying this but I grew a hide 1ft thick when it come to swearing. David used it like a weapon and only when he realised he was not provoking any reaction did he stop. Also I would rather be swore at than have the house trashed

.

 

I would agree with what Carole has said.

 

My son is 15 now and he does not swear at me half asmuch as he used to .

 

The first time I was told to ignore it I was horrified but now I realise that it was the right thing to do .

 

 

It helped if I told myself he was just frustated and did not mean what he said .

 

I used to get called all the names under the sun but I learned that telling him calmly not to call me that and then just paying no attention worked.

 

I hope things get better for you <'>

Edited January 27, 2006 by asereht

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi Lou Lou - oh bless, I feel for you pet I really do <'> <'> <'>

 

When it comes to swearing I just ignore it now, unfortunately hubby won't because he hates swearing so my boy uses it with him but not me. He calls me "stupid" a lot and the F word is bandied about with gay abandon.

 

Eg this morning: "Well I bet all the other stupid mothers help their son's make their packed lunches."

 

I've just started ignoring the violence and I have to admit little by little it's getting less. I don't send him to another room, I don't talk to him, I don't react - I just calmly ignore. He is also getting behavioural therapy with a psychiatrist too which I would say is helping a lot.

 

Flippin' hard and it's taken me 7 months to stop reacting but he just exhausts me otherwise BUT at least the doors are still on their hinges!

 

Keep strong,

Daisy

[loulou]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for the replies <'> it's really helpful. I've been surveying the damage (and taking photos) this morning, not good . I'm leaving the broken things in his room.

 

Canopus, he used to have meltdowns at mainstream school, but since he's been in his new school (EBD), he's only done it once. The teachers can't believe how bad he is at home, so i've started writing it down in his home/school diary.

 

I'm sure it is like you say, "the pot boiling over" after school. He tries so hard to do well at school, i think he just explodes after school.

 

Asereht , Suze and Daisy, I think i will HAVE to ignore the swearing. I have been ignoring the mild words, but hearing the F word coming out of his mouth is just too much for me. He learnt it at school.

 

Carole, i have tried a punch bag, but Kai always seems to forget to use it! Once he gets worked up, i can't communicate with him in any way. I'm going to keep on at the council and try to get Kai's Paed to write a letter too. My house is a two-up-two-down so there's nowhere for either of us to get away from each other. Kai's bedroom is a box. He has got his train shed in the garden, which is bigger than his bedroom, but it's way too cold out there for him at the moment!

 

Phas, i looked at the exchange list, but unfortunately my road has a bit of a "reputation", so it's hard to find anyone intersted. Another reason why i want to move is to get away from this area, it's not the right place for Kai to be growing up in. I actually know my MP (i looked after his wife when she had her babies!), so i may give him a try too.

 

On a positive note, all is peaceful in our house today .

 

Loulou xx

[hev]

glad things are peaceful now,do you find after a meltdown you feel emotionally drained,i do,it makes me feel down for ages but steve seems to just forget and get on with it,things are slighty better since i put a punchbag in his room,much rather him punch that than me!

[Kathryn]

Loulou,

 

I hope things are still calm this evening.

 

K x

[Canopus]

Canopus, he used to have meltdowns at mainstream school, but since he's been in his new school (EBD), he's only done it once. The teachers can't believe how bad he is at home, so i've started writing it down in his home/school diary.

 

If he goes to a residential school then he is sure to have meltdowns there. Will the staff be able to deal with them in a professional manner or will they assume he is a violent mentally unstable person? There were two kids at my residential school that had meltdowns when they got stressed. One would completely smash the place up. His favourite target was anything made of glass. He would quite easily smash every window in a room and shattered a television screen when it was switched on. The other kid would attack people when he got stressed. Biting was one of his tactics but he would also throw hard objects at people as well. One day he got into a fight with the headmaster and ended up biting his hand to the point where it needed skin grafts. The police were called in and he threw a brick at a policeman bruising his face badly. He was expelled from school after this. The headmaster wouldn't reveal what happened to him but there were rumours he was prosecuted and sent to a young offenders institute.