Hell with grandparents and it's upsetting me

[tmf]

Hi

 

Just needed to get this off my chest and thought there was no better place than here!!

 

DS was being a bit of a pest all weekend , we then get a phone call and ds answers it. It's my mum, son has it on loud speaker (don't ask y, it's just he has to as he doesn't like phone by his ear!) so i can hear eveything thats being said.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short, my mum tells ds that she will come over to see them. hr after hr goes by and she doesn't show. Before we know it it's bed time and still no sign of nanny, ds is now getting panicky as we want him to go to bed but he says he cn't coz nanny is coming over. We tried to explain to him that nanny obviously isn't coming now as she knows this is ur bed time. Well i am sure you can imagine there was one huge meltdown, and i mean huge. When we finally calmed him down we established his anger was because he had a done my mum a note and sealed it in an envelope all by himself and was looking forward to giving it to her.

 

After i had got him to bed, i was angry at my mum for doing this to him, so rather than phone and say something i might regret i sent her a tx message, something along the lines of..'Thanks for telling ds you were coming round then didn't....we have had hell with him!' She replies i never said i was coming, just that i might. I didn't bother replying, coz there was myself and my fiance that heard say she was coming round. After 30 mins or so am on fiance's laptop and get an msn message from dad asking ' has grumpy chops chilled' (meaning me) so i replied saying i wasn't grumpy and that they should not promise a child like ds something they cannot fulfill. well that started a load of abuse from them saying i am not perfect and when i am then criticise. I said you dont have AS, all i was asking was that you think of what and how you say things to ds as this is the make or break of a meltdown. In reply i get 'stop overreacting, it's not like he is suicidal is it.'

 

I didn't bother replying to this comment as i really would have said something i would have regretted. No he wasn't suicidal, but with my depression at the mo, i now know what makes ds tick and have a calmer boy as a result, she has now put me back 2 steps, just when i was staring to feel better in myself.

 

What do you guys think, am i overreacting or was i justified in what i said?? I have tried and tried to explain asd to her, but she doesn't want to know. She won't even research it herself. It's not that she doesn't know, she doesn't WANT to know and that hurts.

 

Sorry this ended up being so long, i just needed to get it out as i couldn't sleep last night going over the coversation.

 

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated right now.

 

tmf

x

[asereht]

I can sympathise with this one, when my son was young( he is 15 now) my husbands mum told him going home one day that he could have an ice-lolly when he called next week.Guess what she only siad it to keep him quiet and then when we went back the next time no Ice-lolly. He cried and played up all day and we got the filthy looks!

[jb1964]

Hi tmf,

 

We don't tell my daughter anything anymore about anyone calling round for exactly the same reasons - it was so unlucky that your son had to answer the phone.

 

It must be so frustrating for you with your parents behaving like this over something that causes so many needless upsets and especially when more than anyone you'd appreciate support from your own mum and dad.

 

We've not told anyone in our family (as our recently diagnosed daughter 12yrs doesn't want anyone to know) except for my mum and dad and I've seen such a difference in their behaviour towards her now that they are understanding her better - my mum even rang the NAS for the info packs because I didn't feel ready to.

 

Why will they not read anything? it doesn't make sense. What about watching something - would they be prepared to do that for you.

 

I can imagine this must be so hurtful for you.

[Paula]

<'> <'>

 

Youre not over reacting when alls said and done its you whoes got to deal with the fallout and the meltdowns not them.

 

 

My parents dont realy understand about As either.Everything i ever said fell on deaf ears.Ive had the old its you youre to blame.He doesnt behave like that with us,all he needs is a good hideing and im sorry to say ive even had the shove him in a care home and get on and enjoy youre life.She even once said i should have aborted !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I triedd to give her books and leflets on As from the NAS she wasnt interested so i gave up years ago.

 

Worse thing my mum ever said was that she wished my sister would have a boy then she would have a proper grandson when thats waht youre up against theres no point trying.Grandparents like that dont deserve the gift that an As child is.Its there loss.

###### them.

 

Hope you feel ok. <'>

[darky]

well, its pretty hard for me to be objective as i dont speak to my mum for similar reasons. so im totaly on your side with this. <'> <'> <'> after so many times of my kids being let down by them, eventualy i stopped it all. my kids would be keeping on day after day for weeks, then they would stop going on and my dad would ring and drop of a hat my kids would go round and then it would be weeks and weeks again before i heard anything. topping this, my mother refused to speak to me about my kids (or anything else) and had smacked my son (aspergers) for "one of his little outbursts" also she couldnt tollerate my daughter and if she took her out she would complain that my daughter couldnt even stand on "her ###### own feet" and she had punished her for it in the past, and one time smacked her (4yrs old) for screaming at fireworks.

 

so, in the end, my mother stopped talking to me way before i stopped her seeing the kids, but i had to put my kids first. no way was i going to let her have them if she wasnt going to accept their problems and even punish them for it. they kept being let down all the time and it was causing huge problems with my parents being inconsistant. my poor kids didnt know where they were.

 

so no i dont think you are wrong at all. im not saying of course, you should stop speaking to your parents at all. but im saying some ground rules to be fair on you and your little one should be set. you are mother and have to put up with everything when it all goes t!ts up. if they cant accept it tough! your little one comes first everytime! <'> <'> <'> p.s its so not funny to call you grumpy and ask if YOU have calmed down. how dare they promise any child they are going to see them and not bother, thats just cruel ASD OR NOT!! <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

I know very much where you are coming from and I have been there so many times myself,son is slowly getting used to the fact that sometimes people let you down, but this has been after so many let down's.

 

As for the suicidal bit, do they not ###### well realise how hard it is on parents when they have kids in meltdown like this, even when they do witness it they still don't understand cos they are not living with it everytime it happens.

 

I really feel for you and your lil one. These children build up trust in people and it's so hard for them and to be let down by family members is so hard for them to understand, my son will often say now 'but why do they say it', we've been through the whole, maybe they are busy, maybe they thought they would have time etc sometimes I just wish that there was an excuse that really did excuse their behaviour for letting them down.

 

My lil ones are so use now to being let down by family that it's kind of like we don't have a family, which is really sad but at least it stops all the unnecessary sadness and tantrums.

 

Sorry fro rambling, you will get there with son, family prob not as they just may not understand it. Maybe you could try and educate them to see <'> it from his point of view.

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

 

My mum is the same ... doesn't understand and doesn't seem to want to understand - or listens and then demonstrates that what you've said/explained has gone in one ear and out the other ...

 

I think she would like a 'normal' grandson and tries to pretend that there's nothing wrong by treating him like a normal child - just doesn't work ...

[BusyLizzie100]

MotherEve, I'll second that. I think my MIL wants trophy grandchildren, not real ones with all their eccentricities and delightful ways.

 

Her loss.

[tmf]

Hi

 

Thank you to all that responded, i thought it was only my mum that seemed a right pain in the posterior!! I was really shocked to see so many replies who had been through the same thing.

 

Mothereve, you have hit it on the head, that's my mum and dad you have described to a t!

 

I had no choice but to go round their house tonight as they pick the children up from school on a Tuesday as i work, and i dreaded it. My mum was fine, but my dad is being such a ###### child, he wouldn't speak to me at all.

 

anyone was thinking i was asking for blood from them the way he is acting, all i asked was that they think about what and how they sapeak to him

 

Parents!!!!

 

Thank you all once again, it really made me feel better reading your replies.....well until i got to work this morning, it just took a 'r u alright' conversation and i just burst into tears and ended up telling them the whole situation

 

Never mind, ds said he loved me again tonight, thats twice in now in 3 days

 

tmf

xx

[Surrey]

As hard as it is for you, I think you should try again to explain to both your parents exactly what the problem is again and how it makes you feel. Print out these threads and stuff off the internet and show them. Explain to them you need as much support as possible. Do it when things have calmed down and no one else is around, including your son. I know this may fall on deaf ears, but at the end of the day you do not need more aggrevation in your life, you need as much help and time to yourself as you can possibly get. I know you feel angry now, but its harder for older people to understand as they get set in their ways - I know my parents used to think that my son just wasnt disciplined properly - but I won them round in the end by showing them reports from his doctor's, school, etc.

 

Believe me, it is better to get them on your side if you possibly can. If this fails, just keep them at arms length, but try not to row - YOU DONT NEED IT.