mum22boys Report post Posted March 7, 2006 I am fed up with feeling like M's problems are down to me. Today M refused to get up, i'm sure you all know the picture, kid laying in bed screaming he's not going to school because he hates it. I battled to get him up for an hour this morning then phoned the head to explain and she said bring him in when you can. Eventually he gets up and we go. Hubby says tonight i should have made him get up ..how? Well his answer is smack him which i don't agree with. I have been left feeling like i am to blame. I never asked for all these additional problems when i had kids - who does? It's hard enough without having to walk on eggshells and i'm sick of being on the verge of tears because hubby has said something to make me feel to blame. At times I feel like walking out the door and letting him deal with it which i know i never will. I love m and I know he can't help the way he is but i feel so drained all the time. Is it just me or do others feel this way. Probably feeling a bit down at the mo as we are going through a bad patch with M. Mum22boys Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 7, 2006 Hi, I know exactly what you are going through. For months last year I had this every morning and every night with William. He'd spend hours wailing and crying and it really did go on for months. It felt like some sort of twilight world and I know exactly how lonely and hopeless you must be feeling. You need to try and find out what is causing his distress about school. William had loads of school related stress and we've managed to illiminate enough of it that it's no longer a big battle to get him to school. He still has some issues though. He is also on melatonin to help him sleep which means he wakes up in a better mood instead of waking up crying which is what he used to do. What is your son like when he is at school? Can he talk to you? William won't/can't talk to me about his problems but he writes me stories and letters on the computer. If your son can write maybe you could try that. How old is your son? William has never liked school and it's always been a battle to get him there, and something just clicked last year that it just shouldn't be that hard. Life at school can be intollerable for kids with ASD and it's really important for everyone that their are adjustments made to help them be more at ease with it. Lauren <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarerQuie Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Please try not to blame yourself.I have done this in the past and it doesn't help.It is circumstances that have caused the problem;nothing you have done or omitted to do. The above advice is spot on.xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted March 8, 2006 M. We went through this on a daily basis with our two boys for the whole of the academic year last year. Not only is it draining an demoralising, it's hard at times to believe that what you are doing is right. If it's a settling in 'phase' you can justify it but at this stage in the acedemic year things should be settling down and not getting worse. The problem needs to be discussed woth school as that is the problem, not you not being firm enough. While you would never walk out on your Husband, it may help him to take a morning off and do the school run, I think he will gain a much better understanding it he does. For us we came to a relaisation that mainstream education was the wrong place for our boys and, fortunately, the LEA agreed. They have been in special school since September and are doing really well. Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justamom Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Please try not to blame yourself.I have done this in the past and it doesn't help.It is circumstances that have caused the problem;nothing you have done or omitted to do. The above advice is spot on.xx I agree with what everyone has written we as parents are not too blame and you are doing a good job so just hang in here hopefully this phase will pass shortly. lots of <'> <'> justamom Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
magz Report post Posted March 8, 2006 i'm having the same problem getting my 3 & a half year old 2 playgroup,it seems 2 b getting worse!! i ended up phoning my mum in tears this morning after he eventually went in.it helps 2 hav sum1 else 2 talk 2 that can listen & help u understand that its not ur fault its just the way they r!!!keep ur chin up ur doing great!! <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tez Report post Posted March 8, 2006 <'> <'> Hope things seem a bit better today. As you say most of us have been in this position. I agree with what everyone else is saying. In no way are you to blame. The only way out of the situation is not to deal with the symptoms but with the cause. Both Lauren and Mosgrove are right, it's the situation at school that has to change in some shape or form. Of course, this is easy to say but harder to do. I would suggest as a first step sitting down with the school and trying to identify all the things that your child is not coping with and trying to put a package together that aims to support him through those things and take away the trauma. If you can identify anything specific that is causing the problems at school you're half way there. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Just sending some of these <'> <'> It's NOT your fault. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mum22boys Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Thanks to all those that replied. I am so glad i stumbled across this forum last year because i don't know what i would have done without you all for help and support. Today was a lot better. M has these strange rituals of getting up every morning, they change every couple of weeks but if I do anything to interupt or do something wrong in his eyes then we have problems. At the moment i have to ring a bell to get him up and i'm not allowed to talk . Yesterday i rang the bell and then called him when he didn't respond which initially set him off. Then he, as i said refused to get up because he hates school. I think several things are to blame. The Easter production is causing problems. me and the teacher have spoken about this but i am going to see if I can get her to explain to him he doesn't have to take part or be on the stage if he doesn't want to, it might eliminate some of his anxiety. They have also changed the time and routine surrounding lunch which he is not pleased about. Not sure what i can do about that though. getting to the bottom of these things that are bothering him is not easy. he doesn't just come out and say what is wrong, i have to ask him lots of questions regarding school and then piece together the bits that seem to cause the problem. Today I rang the bell and left him, ten minutes later he was up and fine. Went to school fine as well. I know they didn't do anything yesterday to do with the Easter production so perhaps that was why he was better today. School are finally being ok about all the problems and do seem to understand more now they have been on this Autism course. head is fine if M is late (generally several times a week) and was fine yesterday. I wish i could help m so he is not so stressed about school and sometimes i think it would be better for him to be home educated but i also know i would find it very difficult and challenging having him at home all the time. Is that really nasty? Anyway, thanks all and hopefully he will come out of school ok today. mum22boys Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jb1964 Report post Posted March 8, 2006 I am fed up with feeling like M's problems are down to me. Hubby says tonight i should have made him get up ..how? Well his answer is smack him which i don't agree with. I have been left feeling like i am to blame. I never asked for all these additional problems when i had kids - who does? It's hard enough without having to walk on eggshells and i'm sick of being on the verge of tears because hubby has said something to make me feel to blame. Mum22boys My husband is exactly the same. I have such a deadline in the morning - I have to be in work for 8.30am - and to be in work on time I have to leave the house to take my daughter to school by 8.00am at the latest as she won't go on the school bus. If she hasn't gone - either because she's had a big one - or because she just fights me all morning - it's always my fault - he very often says 'if I'd been here she would have gone'. I don't think he has any idea how difficult it is to get her to school, which doesn't make sense because he complains like mad on how difficult it is to get her to go to bed!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Hi, I can't add anything to what has already been said, but, you are not alone with the problems of getting your child to school, it is really hard some days. Sending you lots of these <'> <'> <'> <'> this is what you really need. Be patient with hubby he probably doesn't understand how hard this can be, as he isn't the one trying to make this happen. <'> Love Hailey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
poppy Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Every morning we hope he goes to school ok, every afternoon-please let him come out ok. And happy. What makes it so hard for us all is that we love them so much(well sometimes you think you hate them but its not true)I always promised I would make everything alright for him but now hes at secondary school i cant solve all the problems-so feel its all my fault.yeh i know its not its just a mummy thing!! Do your best, dont beat yourself up about it. Cherish the good bits and try to forget the bad bits. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sue45 Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Hi mum22boys, I know where you're coming from with the school thing. I've had many mornings strife trying to get my daughter to go to school. Where we differ is that I haven't got someone telling me it's all my fault. I sometimes feel sorry for myself because I'm on my own but I see there is an upside to it - in my imagination, if I had partner it would lighten the load and I'd have support and everything would be that much easier,but of course that's not always the way it works is it? You have my sympathy. I'm sure whe he thinks about it he'll realise what he's saying isn't right. Take care, I hope you get some relief and things calm down a bit soon. Sue xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OPooh Report post Posted March 9, 2006 <'> <'> Just wanted to say I agree with what everyone's already said. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
polkadotty Report post Posted March 9, 2006 <'> <'> really feeling for you mum22boys - have similar probs every morning with C having to get in car to take other 2 to school / nursery. wont get dressed, wont leave house, wont put shoes on, etc... realy really sympathise. not your fault, you're doing absolutely your best. big hugs dotty Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
neda Report post Posted March 10, 2006 Know exactly how you feel, I don't think of myself as being a very emotional person but I have had a few cries about this. My wee one refuses to go to nursery, I get it all morning that he isn't going. I have to tell him he is otherwise he would think he doesn't need to. This leads to him continually telling me he's not going. Funny thing is when he gets to nursery he tends to be alright. Husband used to say it was because I was too soft with him and would occasionally tell me that I should smack him, which I also refuse to do. Recently though hubby is coming round, he knows I can read A's moods and I can tell from when he wakes up what sort of day I'm having. Sending loads of <'> <'> <'> to you. We aren't too blame, its just the way the wee one's are and we all do our best for them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lynyona Report post Posted March 10, 2006 Hi i know where you are coming from i had this for three weeks the last year k was in school <'> <'> <'> .yet it wasnt anything at school it was just k as he loved school he misses it more now he doesnt go and as for ytour husband i had that with mine as well.But at the end of the day its usually us mums that as to deal with all the tantrums and meltdowns and if left to him mine is useless and cant handle the situation lynn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lsw146 Report post Posted March 10, 2006 Hi, feeling for you all after another exhausting morning of screaming and throwing. Can't find any motivation but I know I need to get the house in order! Managed a load of washing and breakfast so far! My girls are going to Grandma's tonight but I am already feeling guilty because my youngest Nt is so fed up with our eldest (still fighting for a dx!) and would rather have a night without her. But my husband and I need that too. Hugs to everyone who likes them. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
