How to respond to ignorant people

[madme]

Im sure its been discussed thousands of times. A mother of a child in my daughters school really upset me when she commented that finding schools for " normal" children was bad enough but that i must have had a real ly hard time looking for my son. Ive always ignored these comments but as my son gets older it upsets me more. Any good ideas how to respond without being rude.

[Zemanski]

sounds like it was actually supposed to be sympathy - funny how angry it can make you when you know they have no real idea just how difficult things can be

 

<'>

 

Zemanski

[Bullet]

I agree with Zemanski. She could have worded things better, but it does sound as though she was trying to sympathise.

[kirstie]

<'> Sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and smile sweetly. Admittedly i must start using my own advice

Quite possibly she wasn't being horrible. I was talking a to an elderly man at the busstop one day recently and he was asking which School Lewis goes to and i told him, he said "Oh yes, i knowwhere that is. They used to send the maladjusted children there!" i mean, i've heard it all now! Some days you have to resign yourself to the fact that you're going to eat an eaxtra portion of chocolate hob nobs and carry on regardless.

[Suze]

................Kirstie..........mine,s gotta be a chocolate digestive...............when my son was younger I had a bad episode in that lovely place "the supermarket"............my ds was kicking off and climbing out of the trolley, ...........the whole of the frozen food section was staring.I was calmly trying to talk him round which was,nt working in the slightest and was actually causing him to make even more noise.Alas he broke free so I was forced to scoop him up under one arm and and carry him while he kicked and hit me.At this point I was forced to look around and saw all these gawping shoppers looking over at the spectacle my dear son was making.This fuelled me up slightly and I said to the surrounding shoppers............"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???..............HAVE I GOT A CHICKEN ON MY HEAD OR SOMETHING!!!"...............to this day I have no idea why on earth I said this , it came from no where.But it now makes me laugh to think back to that incident.

[lil_me]

Security guard in a local supermarket always remembers me now after my verbal attack on another customer.

 

I do try to be calmer now, as I have said before some people don't know because they don't need to and just pressume things. I've had to stop my son from swinging at lovely little old ladies who when he's in meltdown pat him on the head and say there there

[smiley]

madme <'>

 

I've had that happen to me at school - a programme had been on the night before with an autistic child in it (Casualty i think....) ...... i'd never spoken to the woman before and she came up to my son and asked him how many trees there were in the school grounds

 

Although i wanted to drop-kick her into next week.. .... instead, i filled her in about Aspergers and how it affects my son - she got a little leaflet the next day too .

 

Annoying - but just curious. or should that be clueless??

[bid]

This is a timely thread...

 

I've been in two minds over whether I should say something to a mum I know slightly.

 

On Friday, my eldest daughter took part in a local area event that included our local special schools.

 

She was really upset because 2 of her friends and another girl were calling these children 'spazos' and imitating them. She told them they were being horrible, and that her brother was like these children. One of her friends said sorry, but the other just said she didn't know why my daughter was making such a fuss.

 

I'm really torn over whether I should say anything to this girl's mum, who I know slightly...

 

Bid

 

But to my daughter for speaking out!

[madme]

I think to be fair she was sympathising which is what makes it harder. Perhaps I should have just said please dont use that word as my child is normal just has some differences- im never sure what to say. I remember giving a woman on a beach in france a mouthfull in french as they were making rude remarks about my son. Shut her up well and truly but afterwards I felt really embarassed.

[Jill]

<'>

 

This is so hard. Sometimes you are just cross and say something in anger (altho I have never asked if I have a chicken on my head ). Sometimes people are trying to be nice but say something hurtful or thoughtless.

 

The problem is that I suspect I would have been one of the latter and tried to say something nice, but put my foot in it instead, if I hadn't had The Boy. Sometimes you really can only understand something if you've lived it.

 

Can't really offer much in the way of advice, just sending these to everyone who's ever had anything thoughtless said to them <'> . Oh, and look at one of the lines in my sig - it really is true I reckon.

[ksasnic]

the one I hate is "well if he were my child I'll soon have him behaving properly" !!! I mean what is properly behaving ? sitting still speaking when you are spoken too !! arghhh these people need to get a life !! reminds me when I was at college when a lecturer told me that I neither looked nor acted like an o-level student ! I asked her what is one of those supposed to look and act like then ????? eesh if only they could hear themselves... sometimes....

 

I love the chicken on the head.... pure brilliance..

[Paula]

Im kind of ashamed to say that when my son was younger and the meltdowns were far more frequent and violent than they are now because he didnt talk much, I used to say to people that he was deaf.

 

I did this becauses people knew what being deaf was and it shut up the tutt tutting instantley.Basically people were far more understanding and sympathetic towards a child they thought was deaf than if i started to try to explaine he had autism and had learning difficulties.Was i wrong to do this maybe.But it got the general public of my back instantly in difficult times.

 

 

How i react to peoples ignorant cruel comments at times depends on how im feeling.Some days i just ignore it,other days i let rip,i always end up crying though when i get home.

 

 

I think the lady was trying to be kind but just worded it wrong.

[polkadotty]

i know it's cheesy, but i read this: the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.

 

i imagine a bubble round me sometimes, and i only let in the people that matter...

 

polkadotty

[kinky j]

on a bus journey back from town with my son who has asd, my partner who has adhd and another family who's son also has adhd the boys were bouncing about, changing seats and making alot of noise, every other passanger on the bus was turning to look and making comments to each other, so we calmly informed them that our sons had learning disabillities and if they didn't like it they could always get off the bus! then spent the rest of the journey encouraging the boys to make more noise i hate narrow minded people who think our children should change to better suit them!!

[PinkSapphireAngel]

I think it does depend on how you are feeling at the time how you react to people even if they are trying to be well meaning.

 

I get sick of the way a lot of people (including several family members) talk to my 11 year old son who has ASD/AS/Dyspraxia and extreme anxiety (he self harms when distressed)

especially with friends and family as there is really no excuse for their ignorance.

 

Also my sons classroom assisstant is about to get a mouthfull from me for the way she is talking to him when she is trying to FORCE him to learn to do shoe laces despite being told recently by myself and SENCO to drop it because it is something he cannot manage and something that ourselves and OT have tried to do with him, aswell as the fact its not the end of the world if he cannot do it and she is only trying to make herself look good by teaching him.

 

She has told him he will not be able to wear shoes when hes grown up as theydon't make adult shoes without laces (er, have you heard of VELCRO or slip ons?)

now she has said he will never be able to wrap presents for nephews when he grows up!!!

[Stephanie]

No I can't - I am just rude back.

 

Like at Tesco's cafe when they refused to cook my son two pieces of toast because it was after 10.00 am and they can't make toast after 10.00 am. And when you have a starving autistic kid who only eats toast that is not what you want to hear.

 

I just snapped! Grrrr ... like it is too much hassle to stick two bits of bread in the toaster.

 

After a verbal attack on the useless and unhelpful moo behind the counter, I threatened (using many expletives) to go and buy a toaster and a loaf of bread, find a plug socket in the store and make some myself - and I would have too!

 

Luckily one of the assistants helped me in the end, cos I was nearly in tears and junior was kicking off big stylee.

 

Got the toast, and he didn't want it!

 

People just don't understand how such a small thing makes such a big difference to our lives.

 

... and what really gets me are people that talk to your children "your mummy shouldn't let you push a trolley if you can't control it" ... that's where I go in with the "I am his mummy, what do you want to tell ME?" They become so sheepish.

 

I say if they are being offensive, be offensive back! The audacity ...!

 

Right, now where did I put that leaflet on anger management?

[Lucas]

She has told him he will not be able to wear shoes when hes grown up as theydon't make adult shoes without laces (er, have you heard of VELCRO or slip ons?)

 

I have velcro! Hurrah!

[neda]

Went shopping the other morning to a frozen food shop which has an entrance and exit door which are fully open. Let wee boy hold basket to keep him amused, he decided to run out one entrance round to the other and come back in. Apart from the fact that there was food in the basket he ran in the end where there were massive queues. I took him by the hand which he can't stand so he couldn't run away and he then went into major meltdown mode.

 

I left him on floor whilst I emptied the basket and put it back, old man standing watching what I'm doing and looking at wee boy making him worse, then had the cheek to tut, tut, tut at me and point and talk to his wife about us. Normally I wouldn't bother too much but I was having an off morning and said to him loudly What would you bl**dy know, if you stopped looking at him part of the problem would be removed. I'm sure you have your own business to be minding, rather than mine. He wasn't at all amused, although many of the other shoppers were and I felt better for standing up for my wee one.

 

I was brought up if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Might start telling others who offer their unwanted opinion about that.

[lsw146]

Our psychologist keeps going on and on about ingoring and how "SHe KNOW's" how difficult it can be when your in public.

For years I having been telling everyone that I don't care in public, I can walk away or leave her screaming and kicking (as long as she doesn't hurt others)

If people look it is only their time they are wasting, if people comment I reply that B has severe anxiety and it is helpful just to leave her alone to work it through.

I always try to think what I would have wanted people to do or say if I had tried to help or commented before I had my own wonderful and challening child. I hoped that people would look for the best in me and realise that any insult came from not understanding and not malice.

It is at home with no escape and a carefree younger daughter to protect that I feel worst.

They say ignorance is no excuse but sometimes I think it really is and I jsut try to share my knowledge and experiences in the hope that others will learn. (ooh get me on my high horse )

 

Feeling so much better for coming back to the forum after too long a break!

[lynyona]

Reading these post made me think.Ive often been in a supermarket and seen parents with the children from hell but i give a bit more thought to it now.I wonder when i go into town with kieran on one of our rare shopping trips what people think when he is heading for major meltdown because the shop hasnt got what he wants to buy or it isnt out yet(usually games or dvds)and he is anting and ravng and flailing his arms abouta as i try to calmly get him back to the car,all they see is a 6ft 2 19 year old verbally abusing his mother?But as some one said you can walk away and leave all these people behind and who care what they think.

 

 

lynn

[lsw146]

I try to bite my tongue when I see parents etc struggling when out but sometimes I just want to empathise with them. What I forget is when I say it can be so difficult etc, they could be thinking "what do you know!" This came about with a parent I have known for ages at an after school activity. Her son was really playing up and trying to get out of the room so whilst Mum came from one direction I stood in the doorway to block his path out. she was being great but telling me to be careful not to get kicked . It wasn't until I said that I was used to similar challenges myself and told her why, that she opened up to my help. for all she new I was another do gooder who would only make things worse. we now chat and she offers me great advice as well.

people always tell me I think and talk too much but if I don't tell others (hopefully politely) what I think I can't expect them to know. ( Sorry laughing at the fact the B always thinks everybody should be thinking exactly as she is at exactly the same time and refuses to believe otherwise - that Theory of Mind thing ?!)

[melly]

Along the same lines, I was in Tesco's 2day and the lady in front of me obviously knew the cashier. They were discussing one of the members of staff, I didn't hear what it was that he was doing

 

'on the shop floor in front of all the customers'

 

but it was apparently

 

'discraceful'

 

to which the cashier replied that

 

'if he has a disorder or something he should be in the warehouse where the public cant't see him'.

 

I was disgusted, but couldn't say anything because if I had opened my mouth at that point I would have burst into tears.

 

As parents we spend so much of our time fighting for education and quality of life, to have mindless twerps in tescos deciding that the old way of making sure 'these types of people' are out of the public eye is better, makes you feel sick.

 

I am going to have to learn to hold my head up high and defend the rights of my son. But on a day when I feel a bit braver!

[Jill]

Oh Melly, that's awful.

 

You don't have to be brave at the time though, you could remember the cashier's name and send a letter to the manager afterwards.

 

Sometimes though it's just too much to have to do this isn't it and why should we have to anyway? Some people are just that awful, but I am a firm believer that they'll get their comeuppance somehow.

[lil_me]

Melly I really hope you have put a complaint in, thats absolutely disgusting.

[melly]

lil me and jill,

 

i'm glad you think don't think I'm over reacting. Sometimes I feel like i'm just being a bit over sensitive.

 

Good advice about getting the name and dealing with it later. I didn't get the name this time, but its not like these incidences are a complete rarety so i'll have another chance.

 

At least with a written complaint companies would have a chance to address these issues with everyone. Some proper disability awareness training etc.

 

How to respond to ignorant people? Perhaps 'with pride' would be a good answer

[neda]

Melly I don't think you are over reacting.

 

Me personally, whether I had a name or not, would still write a letter to store manager, detailing date and time you were in and which till you were at. I would also express how upset you were at these comments due to personal cirumcumstances. To have these opinions is bad enough, but to express them in front of customers is downright appalling.

 

Like I said in an earlier post, if you have nothing nice to say, don't saying anything at all.

 

It makes me so mad.

[elaine1]

oh god, people can be both ignorant and stupid is that the same thing?. am i both ignorant and stupid, anyhoo!!!!

I think most people are sympathetic but cant express that sympathy properly. Its like me with my dad he has colon cancer and last week i phoned to ask him if he felt better!.

as soon as id said it i regretted it cos hes having a really hard time, but i guess were all used to the usual phrases to cover our embarassment.

[PinkSapphireAngel]

I would not have been able to stop myself saying something.

But I think this definarwly warrants an official complaint as it was said by a amember of their staff inront of the public and I sure they will not want Tescos seen as being so ignorant and non PC.