Dislikes going out with anyone else..

[Brook]

Hi all,

 

My ASD son really dislikes going out of the house with anyone but me!

 

An example was yesterday, my husband was taking some of the kids PS2 & DS games back

to the shop to exchange them for some different ones, my son likes going to this shop, but as

soon as he found out I wasn't going he became extremely anxious, he started to say 'you go on

your own dad'.

I really wanted five minutes on my own (well, with my 3yr old) he was quite screamy the whole time

he was getting his shoes and coat on, he was saying 'I dont want to go'.

He hasn't been out for a few days, so I said 'go on you need to get some air'.

 

As he got into the car with my hubby he looked so stressed, at the same time my sister turned up,

this made him even more stressed, in the end I took him indoors.

 

He will occassionally go out with hubby, but he initially always says 'no' I'll stay here', sometimes I have

had to lie and say I've got to go to the doctors. so he will go with hubby.

 

I asked him 'why' he wont go, he said 'because I wont know what you are doing'.

He does tend to like staying indoors, also I get him dressed and then half hour later he has put his

pyjamas back on!

He also will only attend kids parties if I stay there with him, but I have come to realise that he knows if

something goes wrong at these things then I am there and know what the matter is, when I've asked him

why he wants me to take him, he says 'because I need you there'.

 

My sister has said to him about going out to the shops with her, he immediately said in a firm voice 'no'.

 

I am a little torn as I want to help him as much as I can, but at the same time I want him to gain some

independence, it's a very fine line isn't it.

 

Brook

[bid]

My son was like this when he was little, and he also hated it if I went out on my own (even for a paper) and would get very upset.

 

I also found out that he thought that I stayed in the house all day while he was at school!!

 

I can't really remember when, but he grew out of this and now at nearly 17 relishes his independence!

 

Hang in there...it does get better!

 

Bid

[Brook]

Thanks Bid

 

It's a big help listening to others who have 'been there' and these things have been overcome.

 

Brook

[oracle]

This sounds so much like David when he was small. I could never do anything or go anywhere without him. As you know he had a breakdown when he was 11 and almost certainly because he had gone through the system with AS no dx and no support. However when we did finally get the help he needed I brought all of this up with his Psychiatrist. He said that I was David's comfort blanket - she who fills in the blanks - she who knows without being told - she who makes him feel safe. After I had had a good I had to agree.

 

He suggested ways of David leaving the home without me and feeling OK. He also felt that David had problems with his sense of reality when he was away from the house - so when he left he said that it would be a good idea if I did something for him while he was out. He suggested I make something he liked to eat or tape a TV programme - that way David could still feel as if part of him was at home. He also suggested that when he went out without me I gave him a list with things that 'I' needed and asked him to get them for me. That was his way of keeping a piece of me with him. After David once being diagnosed as having an Oedipus complex this guy was a breath of fresh air and really understood.

 

It took some time but it works and today we have a whole new David. I know that I am still the centre of his universe but his universe has expanded so much that I just hang around if needed. He has loads of outside interests himself now. But he will still always have me tape a programme while he is out If he forgets to ask before going he rings me and asks me to do it. It's a small price to pay for his piece of mind and his and my freedom.

 

Hope this might help a little.

 

Carole

 

PS Matthew is going just the same way

[Malika]

Hi Brook and all, <'>

 

 

My son was like this when he was little, and he also hated it if I went out on my own (even for a paper) and would get very upset.

 

I also found out that he thought that I stayed in the house all day while he was at school!!

 

I had the same thing with H he is going to be 9 in August and seems to get a bit better now every 2 weeks I go out for shopping on Saturday and he stay with his step Dad without so much fuss I think as welll because it has been included in the routine for going out it is more complexe but sometimes he will enjoye going out with a friend of mine who has known him since he was a baby.

he recently refused to stay with his sister to go to the cinema while I was doing some shopping because it was not with me.... but I think things will improve as there are sign of him accepting more separation from me and less anxiety but it has to be plan and explain before hand.

The best way forward seems to try to push the boundaries very slowly and always to explain what is going to happen in advance may be to promesse a treat or some more time on the computer (this worked for H) when he comes back could be an incentive.

 

Take care.

 

Malika.

[stressedmumto2]

My son too has gone through stages of this. At the moment we are on gd stage and he is starting to get back into his routine with going out with his dad. I remember when he was about 3 if I tried to leave him in with his dad he would try to kick the door down.

 

I would go with what others have suggested, try to gently wean him away from you. Give him small rewards if he manages to stay with someone else even if it is for 5 mins, then gradually build it up. Give him lots of warning, maybe a visual going to shop with dad then after time on pc or sweets. Also give him lots of praise when he does manage it.

 

Good luck with it. It must be a hard time for you

 

<'>

[something vague]

Hi Brook,

 

I can't say I've been there, I dont have a child with ASD but I do work with a young man who can become very anxious about his mum when myself and my coleague take him out . He is non verbal and has bouts of aggression which seem to be linked to his anxiety about separation from his family. We use a picture timetable for him and remind him regularly that after he has been out with us he will go home to mum. We will tell him what she is doing while he is out. As soon as we see any signs of anxiety, no matter what else we are doing or saying, we will remind him that he will see mum at x oclock and she will be making his lunch/tea or snack or running his bath. This can sometimes be enough to pacify him.

 

I know that this is different to your situatio, your son is able to express his anxieties in words. I wonder if a constant reminder that you are ok and that he will see you at x oclock would help. It was suggested that the young man I work with thought that mum didnt exist when out of his sight! Maybe your son might like to carry a photo of you with him and maybe even be in contact with you by mobile phone to reassure him that he still has a link to you.

 

I hope I haven't rambled or stated the obvious, I'm a bit nervous of giving parents advice. After all you are the experts.

 

SV

[Brook]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for your replies.

You wont believe this but, I am sitting here in this house all on my OWN.

 

This morning hubby said he was going down to visit his dad, he was taking our youngest with him,

we said to our ASD son 'do you want to go'? we got the usual reply 'no', we then started to say,

'maybe grandads dog would like to play with you, or maybe *****(his cousin) has got some new

games for the x-box or pc', he then said 'alright then, I'll go'.

We got him dressed and as they were leaving he said 'no, I'll think I'll stay here', so again we used

the things above, you could see that he wanted to go, but was holding his self back, eventually

hubby said 'right I'm off, come on then', he reluctantly got up and he has gone.

 

I should've added in my post that my son used to hate me leaving the house, but he is fine with it

now as long as he knows where I'm going, but now it's a case of him not leaving the house unless

I'm going with him.

 

Carole, I related alot to what you said about a safety blanket, knowing things without being told,

seeing the stress levels rising etc.. he knows that nobody else understands these things, I suppose

then it would make alot of sense with him wanting to be with someone who understands him and

can rescue him if things get too tough.

 

Malika, yes, I think boundaries need to slowly be pushed, just like what has happened this morning,

but very gradual ones, and I think the 'bribes' that we used this morning could be similar to the

treats that you said about.

 

Sressedmumto2, yes, I think lots of praise is very good, also I think obviously the more he

experiences going out without me, then he will continue, it definitely needs some positive

experiences to start with, otherwise he'll be totally put off.

 

Thanks all, I expect this morning is going to be a one off for a while, but I will take on board your

advice and experiences and keep plugging away.

 

Hmmm, what do I do with myself for the next half hour? I'm looking at the state of the place,

oh well, off to get the hoover out.

 

Brook

[Brook]

Hi Brook,

 

I can't say I've been there, I dont have a child with ASD but I do work with a young man who can become very anxious about his mum when myself and my coleague take him out . He is non verbal and has bouts of aggression which seem to be linked to his anxiety about separation from his family. We use a picture timetable for him and remind him regularly that after he has been out with us he will go home to mum. We will tell him what she is doing while he is out. As soon as we see any signs of anxiety, no matter what else we are doing or saying, we will remind him that he will see mum at x oclock and she will be making his lunch/tea or snack or running his bath. This can sometimes be enough to pacify him.

 

I know that this is different to your situatio, your son is able to express his anxieties in words. I wonder if a constant reminder that you are ok and that he will see you at x oclock would help. It was suggested that the young man I work with thought that mum didnt exist when out of his sight! Maybe your son might like to carry a photo of you with him and maybe even be in contact with you by mobile phone to reassure him that he still has a link to you.

 

I hope I haven't rambled or stated the obvious, I'm a bit nervous of giving parents advice. After all you are the experts.

 

SV

 

Hi SV,

No, you haven't rambled at all. My son is currently home ed, but we are looking into a special school,

he says he wants to go but he cant, when I've asked why he cant, he said "because I'll miss you,

and wont know what you are doing", I think this alone causes his anxiety to rise very high.

I think if he went to this school the teacher would understand him (she's experienced ASD) so this

would make him feel 'safe', but he would still be anxious about me.

The ideas you have given would be very useful if he ever did go there. A picture timetable and a photo

of me, also a timetable clock to show him when he will see me again, also I would have to tell him what

I would be doing that day.

 

Thanks, please dont be nervous of giving parents advice, sometimes there are things that we wouldn't

think of, and are very glad for suggestions.

 

Brook

[Malika]

<'> <'> Hi Brook, <'> <'>

 

Some times on your own this is quite a good news, you see what I remember with H when he did not want to stay at school (and sreeming his head off for 45 mns after i had left) and did not want to leave me was that he needed to know was where I was going (home or which shop or hospital) and how would I come back (bus or underground) if he was able to relate to the places I was telling him about, his anxiety would lessen sometimes I had to lie because he did not know the place I was going to.

As well for very long time I had to tell him that I would always be back for him. Now it seems that he is reassured that I am always back home or back to school to collect him or if he goes I am at home waiting for him, sometimes he keeps asking will you be back to cook my dinner? ot is Daddy cooking and you will be back for my bed time. When he knows all this he is much more settled.

Not to mention various treat to encourage him and many positive comments.

This Saturday I joke with him telling him "I hope you will take good care of Daddy and say to my partner "be good with H I don't want any complain if not there won't be any treat" H was absolutly delighted with the joke and kept giggling until I was out...

 

Take care I hope you had some time to relaxe.

 

Malika.

[justamom]

Brook this hits home to me too, my son is now 12 and still very attached to me.. I used to feel guilty because i hubby wanted to do more for him and he refused "No mom do it" and it makes life really difficult. Hubby felt a bit rejected at times and it's hard for him because he is willing to do things with K but he wants me.

 

Its got better as he has gotten older, if i go over to friends for a quick coffee i dont tell him i am leaving the house (2 houses up, hubby watches him) i sneak out but once he realises i am gone we usally get a knock on the door and we know its K and he wants to stay with me....

 

Justamom

[stressedmumto2]

Glad you had a nice time today and well done to your son for going with his dad.

 

<'>