I am seething.

[Viper]

I am really angry tonight. Hubby came home from another week in France early. He was due home tomorrow night. He informs us he has got a week off. We are supposed to be all pleased and grateful that he is home. DD asked him why he is off and he said because I told them I want a week off. He is trying to make out it is for our sake. He then went on to say I am glad I got home in time to see England tomorrow. I tested him to see what he would say. I told him I have arranged to go out tomorrow and he was not pleased.

 

What makes me angry is that I asked him last week when the kids were off if he would have the week off to help me but he said he can't just take time off. Well it seems he can if The football is on.

 

I have struggled with the kids for over a year now. I went through all the problems with Ben and school virtually on my own and started HE on my own and went to Guys during a "bomb raid" to get Ben a DX. The whole time I have supported him learning French and all the time he has spent in France and he knows how hard it is for me. But all along I have known that if he didn't want to go he could have said. There must be some regulation that says a company can't tell an employee they have to go away at a days notice, I am sure he could have said at any point that he couldn't just drop things, but he never did, even when I begged him. Now because it suits him he has said no and instead of being honest and saying he wants to watch the start of the world cup he tries to make himself look good. Like we should be thanking him for thinking of us.

 

I think he is a total ###### and am beginning to wonder why he is here. Do I need him, I have coped on my own now and when he is here Ben is a complete nightmare cos he never knows how long it will be for. The only reason I am staying with him is because I can't be bothered to do anything to get rid of him. Sounds harsh but I have felt like this for a while now. We don't argue we don't really communicate any more, it's like we live separate lives. We don't even go to bed at the same time when he's home.

 

He is asleep in his chair right now and I feel like slapping him. It's no good trying to have a talk about how I feel cos he just he will sulk for days and it will be all my fault. He will say he is only doing it to get more money for the family, which to be fair he is. But at what price, aren't we important?

[littlenemo]

Oh viper <'>

I'm probably the last person on the planet to take relationship advice from, but...

What makes me angry is that I asked him last week when the kids were off if he would have the week off to help me but he said he can't just take time off. Well it seems he can if The football is on.

Could you not come straight out and point out the discrepancy. And ask which is more important, his kids or the football? And if it's the kids, would he care to show it by not watching any footie this week, but rather spend some 'quality time' with you and the kids?

 

good luck

 

Nemo

(and avoid temptation - take the lead piping out of the billiard room )

[Viper]

To be honest Nemo I don't want to spend time with him if I have to give him ultimatums. He should want to do it not be forced to. And if I did insist I would be made to feel like a right ######, he just has a way of making me feel bad.

 

He has no idea how I am feeling. His skin is as thick as his skull. I have never been able to talk to him, he just walks away and will never discus anything to do with us. As I said he wont talk to me for days and I can't stand the atmosphere, especially with Ben being so volatile right now, he will pick up on it and things will just get really bad with him.

 

I will just bob along as usual and put up with it. Just another nail in the coffin of our marriage.

[littlenemo]

To be honest I don't want to spend time with him if I have to give him ultimatums.

Ah yes, I know that one...

He should want to do it not be forced to.

I must admit I've been on the other end of that one (to my shame) before now. But I was shown a different perspective and i learnt some useful lessons (and have probably forgotten more ). Remember, men are emotional cripples who have been brought up to believe they (and their needs) have priority. The apalling irony of the situation may not have penetrated that thick masculine skull. Sometimes it just needs a little hint to open their eyes and make them see the truth of the situation.

All right, I admit it, that's a cloud-cuckoo land of optimism , but it beats the 'head down, mouth closed, deal with the daily duties and keep the kids as healthy as possible and one day it'll all be over and you can relax' mindset, cos that really drags after a few years.

 

Or why not take up a hobby to keep your mind off it while the football's on. Something like yodelling or TV repair should do the trick nicely

 

stay strong <'>

[Viper]

It's not the football that bothers me, we have sky upstairs and he will watch it up there if we are watching something (big brother) which also means I am still on my own really. It's the fact I have been asking him to help me by having time off or even only going for half the week, which I know he could do.

 

I am sure he has AS, hence the lack of insight into my feelings. He is a train driver and wont have a break for anything. He can't see anything else around him unless it is for him.

 

Remember the Hatfield crash?(it think it was the Hatfield one anyway, he has done so many now) Well hubby was on a special team they set up to repair tracks after such incidents. It was the first time he was asked to go away. Ben was 3 weeks old and he didn't think twice about it, he just went. After 2 days away Ben started passing blood when he poo'ed. Hubby said don't worry I will be home next week, we can take him to the hospital. I was distraught but he refused to come home.

[Suze]

oh Viper <'> .............I can see where your coming from , you just want him to put you first for once, your needs,........etc.....if he is ASD maybe you could look at ways of communicating exactly how you feel regarding the family your marriage and you.He needs to grasp for his sake and yours the depth of how you feel and what your coping with.You,ve been through so much and all of it virtually on your own stay strong girlie <'> Suzex.

[Guest flutter]

<'> <'> <'>

[Flora]

viper <'>

 

I've been in a very similar situation... . When Luke was 10 months old we moved from Scotland to America so we could be together as a family (my husband spent two thirds of the year in the states) and within a month of us moving to America he started spending weeks on end in Japan, he was once away for 6 weeks! I was livid; Luke was a baby, William was just turned 4 and Susie was 5. I knew absolutely nobody and had no support whatsoever.

 

It got to the point where we were like strangers; there were no rows but I was very resentful and felt like he'd let me down.

 

I can't give you any advice Viper because we ended up divorced

 

I really hope you can work things out with your husband. He's doing his own thing, and you are seething with anger and resentment.... the one bit of advice I can give you which I didn't do is 'you've got to talk'. Communication is the one important thing that will sort this out (or not whatever the case may be). If you sit back and say nothing and he sits around all week watching the football the only person who will be bothered by that is you... Try to make him see your point of view.

 

Lauren

[Bagpuss]

Viper <'> <'> <'>

 

Would your dh consider marriage guidance? Long shot I know, but maybe something worth considering, and would give you both an opportunity to listen to each others perspectives with a third party?? Thinking of you honey <'> <'>

[lorryw]

Hi Viper.

I think everyone can identify with how you are feeling. Ive just listened to my sister grumbling about her husband and sorry guys but you all seem to be tarred with the same brush!

I think we end up dealing with all the crappy stuff, education, bedtimes, food issues etc. In our local support group we only had one bloke and very nice he was too. Every single woman spent as much time talking about their marriage as they did autism. At least half of us our now divorced and half of those have remarried.

Its really tough and you have such a lot of c*** in your life at the moment. Your teenagers will be up and gone before you know it and you have to decide if things would really be easier on your own. He is probably blissfully unaware of how you feel. I know its really hard but try and talk to him as calmly as you can and let him know how you feel.

Take care

Lorainexx

[bid]

Probably not terribly helpful, but have you tried writing down how you feel, Vipes, and then giving it to your DH to read...maybe if he sees how desperate you are he will want to sort things out.

 

Hang in there, hun <'> <'>

 

Bidxx

[brooke]

Hi Viper

I know just how you feel my hub was doing the exact thing last year he was working 22hr days i never saw him and my boy ol didnt have a clue where his dad was it got so bad iremember sitting on the floor begging him to stay at home i hated him the only reason i stayed was because i was due to give birth in 3 days and i didnt know what else to do. He finnally saw the light the day i begged him and thank god but he had made himself ill. All i can say is try an tell him how you feel sometimes it can take a lot to get through to them sorry i cant help more <'>

[jen]

Tell your husband you are not happy that you had to cope during half term week so could he book off some time at the end of July and August to help you cope with the summer holidays because you find it so stressful. Say you need to work as a team with the children and you need his support. Also say you have to spend time together as a couple otherwise the marriage will not work.

 

Write down the dates for him, start as you mean to go on. He can help with the children this week and spend some time with you when the football is not on

 

Jen

[call me jaded]

It could be that he's feeling pretty much burned out by his long working week. I'm not saying that he hasn't avoided his share of parenting, but perhaps your first priority should be getting getting back on speaking terms with him. Rather than present him with a list of his failures, what about going out together and forgetting your current woes and remember what it used to be like?

[Richt]

I had to read this through twice to make sure it wasn't my missus talking about me!

 

[gladysmay]

At the NAS Regional Convention in London there was a group called THE FATHERS CLUB (support and guidance for fathers of autistic children). Details appear in the PARIS website. The cynical of us might wonder what this is about but the impression I had was that families were falling apart and the mother was already far too tired to try to bring hubby up to speed and hubby tends no to admit they are facing something they dont know how to ask for help for?

 

Their address is Gravesend in Kent so assume that is their base.

 

I have their address, email and tel contact, not sure if can post this but can do.

 

The Club Faciliatator is John Franklin, a retired kent businessman who has been involved with the world of autism for over 13 years. Currently the club operates in Dartford, covering the North West area of kent and in Folkestone where fathers and grandfathers from across South East kent regularly attend its meetings.

Edited June 11, 2006 by gladysmay