oxgirl Report post Posted July 8, 2006 Does anyone else feel guilty?? I made so many mistakes when J was little, even now that he is 12 I can't shake those guilty feelings that I might have been the cause of his problems I often lie awake at night going over incident after incident from up to ten years ago and thinking that THAT'S what might have caused THIS particular problem or THAT particular problem! Anyone else feel like this and has anyone ever found a cure??!! ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phasmid Report post Posted July 8, 2006 Mrs P and I sit down and play this every so often..."The what if game...?" You know... What if we had done this? What if we had done that? What if we hadn't done this? ...the problem is there isn't any answer to the questions. What happened, happened and you can't change that. You have to learn by mistakes and move on for sure, but you cannot beat yourself up over 'what if's'. Doing, or not doing a particular something did not cause the problem! Adapt to what you know now and look to the future - you HAVE to! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted July 8, 2006 Mel <'> The way I look at it autism is genetic and it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do it'll still happen if it's gonna happen. I have 5 kids they've all had their MMRs, they've all been brought up the same way but only one has AS. I often wonder "why me?" but I never wonder "why him?" God gave these children to us because they have chosen to take that path towards enlightenment and we have been chosen to guide them through it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted July 8, 2006 I've never once had any feelings that I may have been the cause of autism in my children but I do suffer from, at times debilitating, guilt. I have flash backs which make me almost double up in remorse: walking away from the nursery building to the sound of my child screaming 'I wanna go back in the car'; getting really angry with William when he was getting older and still having tantrums and being totally disorganised; relocating from an area where we had excellent provision set up to an area where I'm fighting for support and provision and not getting it; getting irritated with Luke when he repeated the same sentence over and over no matter what I was saying to him. I could go on and on. My mum lectures me that guilt and regret are useless baggage that only get in the way of us being happy now and in the future. I think guilt is a natural reaction and one which seems to be present at a default level for ALL parents but is more apparent in parents of children with specific difficulties. If anyone has come up with a method of doing away with guilt and regret, and replacing them with something more useful I'd love to hear it. Lauren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted July 8, 2006 parenting normal or special needs kids is a learning experience. Its the only job we are not trained in depth to do. You can refect on the good and bad experiences than move forward. Continually regreting what you have done will only lead to depression. I think ASD children are very funny and they have opened my eyes to a whole different way of living and learning. In reality its is a way adults and children can learn. Give your self a break and look at the good things you have done. Joining this forum is one of the best ways we can help and support our children. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted July 8, 2006 (edited) I too felt guilty about the choices we made for our dd (but then have also felt guilty about some of the choices we've made for our eldest NT children). Think its part and parcel of being a parent. My mum still says today there are things/decisions she regrets doing when me and my sister were younger. I know I didn't "cause" our dd to have ASD or muscular dystrophy. So I don't feel any guilt regarding that. I do sometimes wonder "why" it has occurred in our family......if its a twist of fate or part of some greater plan that has happened to teach us all something.....but thats getting onto the subject of faith and religion and going completely off topic Some days I feel I could do better and feel guilt about that, and feel I'm letting our dd down by not being "better" at being a mum or dealing with it all, then other days I feel I've done my best and thats all I can do. Then theres the guilt I feel re our eldest two NT children.......are they getting enough of our attention, do they feel left out.......oh, it can be a vicious circle can't it . Edited July 8, 2006 by Bagpuss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 9, 2006 Mrs P and I sit down and play this every so often..."The what if game...?" You know... What if we had done this? What if we had done that? What if we hadn't done this? ...the problem is there isn't any answer to the questions. What happened, happened and you can't change that. You have to learn by mistakes and move on for sure, but you cannot beat yourself up over 'what if's'. Doing, or not doing a particular something did not cause the problem! Adapt to what you know now and look to the future - you HAVE to! Yes, you're right, it's just so hard!! ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 9, 2006 Mel <'> The way I look at it autism is genetic and it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do it'll still happen if it's gonna happen. I have 5 kids they've all had their MMRs, they've all been brought up the same way but only one has AS. I often wonder "why me?" but I never wonder "why him?" God gave these children to us because they have chosen to take that path towards enlightenment and we have been chosen to guide them through it. Thanks, sometimes it's just so hard to be positive about it ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 9, 2006 I've never once had any feelings that I may have been the cause of autism in my children but I do suffer from, at times debilitating, guilt. I have flash backs which make me almost double up in remorse: walking away from the nursery building to the sound of my child screaming 'I wanna go back in the car'; getting really angry with William when he was getting older and still having tantrums and being totally disorganised; relocating from an area where we had excellent provision set up to an area where I'm fighting for support and provision and not getting it; getting irritated with Luke when he repeated the same sentence over and over no matter what I was saying to him. I could go on and on. My mum lectures me that guilt and regret are useless baggage that only get in the way of us being happy now and in the future. I think guilt is a natural reaction and one which seems to be present at a default level for ALL parents but is more apparent in parents of children with specific difficulties. If anyone has come up with a method of doing away with guilt and regret, and replacing them with something more useful I'd love to hear it. Lauren Thanks for the reply Lauren, I guess we just have to hang in there! ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 9, 2006 parenting normal or special needs kids is a learning experience. Its the only job we are not trained in depth to do. You can refect on the good and bad experiences than move forward. Continually regreting what you have done will only lead to depression. I think ASD children are very funny and they have opened my eyes to a whole different way of living and learning. In reality its is a way adults and children can learn. Give your self a break and look at the good things you have done. Joining this forum is one of the best ways we can help and support our children. Jen Thanks Jen, I wasn't all bad, I know that, there were lots of good things, so why is it so hard for me to think of those. Maybe it's just a character fault!! ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 9, 2006 I too felt guilty about the choices we made for our dd (but then have also felt guilty about some of the choices we've made for our eldest NT children). Think its part and parcel of being a parent. My mum still says today there are things/decisions she regrets doing when me and my sister were younger. I know I didn't "cause" our dd to have ASD or muscular dystrophy. So I don't feel any guilt regarding that. I do sometimes wonder "why" it has occurred in our family......if its a twist of fate or part of some greater plan that has happened to teach us all something.....but thats getting onto the subject of faith and religion and going completely off topic Some days I feel I could do better and feel guilt about that, and feel I'm letting our dd down by not being "better" at being a mum or dealing with it all, then other days I feel I've done my best and thats all I can do. Then theres the guilt I feel re our eldest two NT children.......are they getting enough of our attention, do they feel left out.......oh, it can be a vicious circle can't it . Yes, I guess it's hard not to analyse every little thing we do. I just wish I could let it go and move on, maybe that's just not a possibility though. I used to think I could forgive myself when he was okay, trouble is he's not gonna be okay, ho hum! Thanks for the reply, btw ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted July 9, 2006 (edited) Hi Oxgirl, Well as you can see you aren't alone. I suffer from guilt all the time - how on earth can I have managed to raise a child whose adolescence has been so traumatic that she has self harmed and been on 5 different antidepressants? We weren't that dysfunctional as a family, surely?! How on earth can two parents, one a psychologist and the other with a background in language and communication, have missed the vital signs of autism for so long? And why, as my daughter moves into adulthood, do we still find it so difficult to figure out what to do a lot of the time? Guilt goes with the territory. I agree with others - there will always be regrets but you have to try and forget the past and move on. Mike Stanton in his book Learning to live with high functioning autism gave this advice to parents about regretting the past, which I find very comforting. (paraphrasing as I can't be bothered to go and look up the exact quote!) "You did the best you could with what you knew, and when you knew better you did better". K x Edited July 9, 2006 by Kathryn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BusyLizzie100 Report post Posted July 9, 2006 (edited) That's a great quote, Kathryn, and it says it all. My guilt comes from how I parented the boys in their early days, treating them like NT kids when really they needed much more support, understanding and compassion. when DS1 was a toddler I used to go to bed promising myself to be a better mum to him the next day. But, when I knew better, I did better! Bizarrely, I now sometimes wonder if the boys would get more support at school if we hadn't been so supportive, once we'd got better! If we'd left to them to their own devices, they'd be kicking up a storm at school and not putting on such a good show of coping. You can't win. That's what being a parent's all about, so we just do our best. Edited July 9, 2006 by BusyLizzie100 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elanor Report post Posted July 10, 2006 BusyLizzie - I feel just the same as you. Elanor Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karen A Report post Posted July 10, 2006 Does anyone else feel guilty?? I made so many mistakes when J was little, even now that he is 12 I can't shake those guilty feelings that I might have been the cause of his problems I often lie awake at night going over incident after incident from up to ten years ago and thinking that THAT'S what might have caused THIS particular problem or THAT particular problem! Anyone else feel like this and has anyone ever found a cure??!! ~ Mel ~ Mel I have lots of areas where I could beat myself up-both with the boys and with OH.If I knew a few years ago what I know now I would have reacted very differently in some situations.However I reached a decision that guilt and regret was hurting me.It did nothing constructive to help my family either.I decided to stop punishing myself and to allow myself to do the best I can in my situation.The guilt has not gone completely but it does not have a hold like it did.It also helped me when I realised my kids don't need me to be perfect -they love me as I am.I know it is not as easy to do as I make it sound -but it worked for me. <'> <'> Karen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 10, 2006 Hi Oxgirl, Well as you can see you aren't alone. I suffer from guilt all the time - how on earth can I have managed to raise a child whose adolescence has been so traumatic that she has self harmed and been on 5 different antidepressants? We weren't that dysfunctional as a family, surely?! How on earth can two parents, one a psychologist and the other with a background in language and communication, have missed the vital signs of autism for so long? And why, as my daughter moves into adulthood, do we still find it so difficult to figure out what to do a lot of the time? Guilt goes with the territory. I agree with others - there will always be regrets but you have to try and forget the past and move on. Mike Stanton in his book Learning to live with high functioning autism gave this advice to parents about regretting the past, which I find very comforting. (paraphrasing as I can't be bothered to go and look up the exact quote!) "You did the best you could with what you knew, and when you knew better you did better". K x Thanks very much for that, Kathryn. Yep, it certainly looks like I'm not alone. ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 10, 2006 Mel I have lots of areas where I could beat myself up-both with the boys and with OH.If I knew a few years ago what I know now I would have reacted very differently in some situations.However I reached a decision that guilt and regret was hurting me.It did nothing constructive to help my family either.I decided to stop punishing myself and to allow myself to do the best I can in my situation.The guilt has not gone completely but it does not have a hold like it did.It also helped me when I realised my kids don't need me to be perfect -they love me as I am.I know it is not as easy to do as I make it sound -but it worked for me. <'> <'> Karen Hi Karen, I'm glad you found a way out of your guilt. I'm still stuck in I-must-be-punished mode, I think, I just can't seem to forgive myself. I feel like I don't deserve it maybe, I dunno. Who knows, maybe one day I might be able to move on, I hope so ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rhyn_Essence Report post Posted July 10, 2006 Well I'm not a parent so this is a seperate issue in that respect. However I do have re-emerging snippets from incidents some of which took place almost thirty years ago. Move on? Let go? I wish I could. The only available solution seems to come in a bottle of pills or even a bottle of PILS! But I know that's a temporary solution and hardly worth the effort. Certainly there is a ton of stuff that I've disgarded as being useless junk memories but this stuff is mostly irritatingly minor by comparison yet it plagues the hell out of me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted July 10, 2006 Well I'm not a parent so this is a seperate issue in that respect. However I do have re-emerging snippets from incidents some of which took place almost thirty years ago. Move on? Let go? I wish I could. The only available solution seems to come in a bottle of pills or even a bottle of PILS! But I know that's a temporary solution and hardly worth the effort. Certainly there is a ton of stuff that I've disgarded as being useless junk memories but this stuff is mostly irritatingly minor by comparison yet it plagues the hell out of me! Wasn't there a film once where they came up with a machine that got rid of all the negative memories, I guess we'll just have to hold out until someone invents one of those for real! ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
