hev Report post Posted August 12, 2006 im really taking deep breaths but partner has really done my head in today,steve has been on top form today but partner made it 100 times worse,every time steve was cheeky before i could say a word nick chipped in telling him off which all made it worse,then he completely lost his temper(nick) and it got even worse,it was like dealing with 2 kids,whats nicks excuse,he said he was helping me,if thats help he can stick it,why cant he accept yeah i do ignore a lot of things but thats my choice,im so annoyed,be glad when he goes back to work,at least he can go back to work,think there is a full moon today i feel well dodgy,can you tell?!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted August 12, 2006 my partner also made me mad today along with my elder son. I could kill them all Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted August 12, 2006 I could kill them all Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted August 12, 2006 (edited) <'> <'> <'> Hev I had that problem for years until DH realised that it was 'he' and not David that was doing my head in and making everything worse. Don't get me wrong there were many times when David needed to be firmy put in his place but I realised from the early days of my relationship with DH ( and before we wed) that David only accepted discipline from me. Now some men may argue, and DH was one of those men, that he had a right to but in, and on occasion was trying to protect me. Maybe so but not if it made matters 100 times worse for me David and DH went head to head on many occasions and 'I' always came off worst. I did not need protecting I needed someone to hold my hand afterwards and say I am here for you in whatever role you need me. It took many years, and believe me many full scale between DH and I before he finally got the message and backed off. Since then his relationship with David has changed so that I do not recognise it any more and all for the better. From a view point where all I could see was hatred on David's part I now see respect. But as my dear Dad always said you don't command respect you earn it. It's not easy for any family where one of the parents is a step parents but some young males with ASD just can't handle someone who is not their natural parent throwing their weight around. Probably be shot at dawn now and be written off as a man hater but I am not. I love my DH to bits and even more now that he finally saw the light Show your DH this is you wish I truly do not mind. Oracle Edited August 12, 2006 by oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jlp Report post Posted August 12, 2006 (edited) This is such an issue for me atm! It's getting me seriously stressed. G is 6 with AS. Dp says (and will happily tell all manner of professionals - making me look totally useless) that G 'behaves' for him. Which he does in fact. I can have had a day of tantrums, meltdowns, you name it and as soon as dp comes home G will smile sweetly and say 'hello Daddy'. Dp doesn't read anything on autism, websites, books, anything, but is an expert - he's always 'right' But I'm then left with the fall out. Only this week (just one example of so many) I had planned to take the boys to a museum with Grandma. Dp suggested that as he was off work we went somewhere else as he was available to take us in the car. I tell G, G is upset and cross. Not a problem in my book - he'll put up a protest, we go anyway, he discovers it's fun and all is fine. It was blatently obvious to me that this was because we'd suddenly changed plans but it turned into a huge issue with dp saying that G was trying to manipulate me. (We did go in the end and it was fine - but there just was no understanding there at all of why G was upset originally.) At the end of the day out I ask G to have a photo taken with me, he refuses then stands sulking with his hat right over his face, dp confiscates the hat, meltdown and we all get whisked back to the car with G getting told off. I wished I'd never asked for a photo. But my way of dealing with it would have been to say 'ok no photo' and leave it I feel like I'm not protecting him enough, dp says I'm far too soft and I simply can't get him to listen. We need some middle ground and we can't find that if he's always right and refuses to educate himself further. Sorry for the ramble but it's a biggie here atm. We are due to start an Early Bird Plus course in September and (praying that dp won't refuse to go at the last minute like he did on the Help course) I'm hoping that will help. The gradual drip drip approach of other people telling dp things seems to be the only way to get him to listen - anything I say is automatically worthless coming from me Edited to say that dp is both boys' biological parent - so it's not all step families either! Edited August 12, 2006 by jlp Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 12, 2006 jlp & Hev <'> <'> The Early Bird Plus course really helped my dh.....he hasn't read any books, or been online to find out about ASD, its just not him TBH. Have either of you thought about joining a local support group which your partners could attend aswell? DH and I are thinking about this at the mo, and may definately sort something once the summer hols are over....if we survive them of course....looking unlikely at the mo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lynyona Report post Posted August 13, 2006 My dh is exactly the same he doesnt let things go and it ends in a full scale argument with k,ive tried talking th dh about it but he thinks he shouldnt be saying and doing things but i find if you donteact the situation subsides quicker(within reason of course) Lynn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jlp Report post Posted August 13, 2006 jlp & Hev <'> <'> The Early Bird Plus course really helped my dh.....he hasn't read any books, or been online to find out about ASD, its just not him TBH. Have either of you thought about joining a local support group which your partners could attend aswell? DH and I are thinking about this at the mo, and may definately sort something once the summer hols are over....if we survive them of course....looking unlikely at the mo Hi Bagpuss I go to one but haven't been for a while with one thing and another - after the Early Bird course (which falls on the support group days) I'm going to make a real effort to go back. Where abouts in the North East do you live? This one is in Gateshead. There's not many dads attend actually but they are welcome and the group does dad and children days out (which my dp won't go to!). x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted August 13, 2006 (edited) I started making my DP go to some things with us that the support group I help run do, and he is getting better. Our main arguement has been over the children and the way we bring them up but we are plodding through it sorting differences out. Thankfully he's only recently moved back in and part of the agreement of him doing so was more listening, more trying to understand and more talking about our views on things. He has to listen or he's out on his #### Next week (as I will only do it when we can set aside some time to) we are going to work on 'family' rules with the children, taking everyones views into account, I think he'll be shocked when he hears what the little ones want from us. Edited August 13, 2006 by lil_me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted August 13, 2006 There are very few men who attend our support group meetings DH is one of the few and there are another two who turn up but he's always banging on about it. However one of our Dad's says he is going to try and run a group for men only so that more men might turn up Is this a good idea guys Oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 13, 2006 jlp, I live in Cleveland, close to Middlesbrough. Another forum member PM'd me some details of local support groups she's found helpful a few weeks back, and we thought after the hols we might try them. My DH is ok (ish) about going to groups etc, he'll give them a go at least.....I just think his attitude the our dd's diagnosis is different to mine and he just doesn't feel the need to read about it or learn more. He seems to adopt a "just get on with it" attitude....where as I dwell on it often, have low days which seem to creep up and take over and tend to want to learn more and talk about it. lil me, Love the idea of family rules, let us know how you get on ........our youngest dd is in sole charge of the household and we must do as she commands....... I'm off to ask her if I can stay on the laptop a little longer or do I have to play Lucky Ducks again..... Take care <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted August 13, 2006 (edited) If they do your ears will be burning But good luck to him Carole, I hope he manages to get them interested. Our group found more men went to the more social occasions, like race nights, pub quiz, things like that. A few Dads now go to the soft play nights as they are allowed in with the kids in fact it's usually the Dads we have to find when it's time to go and they have gone back to play Unfortunately just the support group meetings I think there is one Dad goes to one of the meetings and thats all. Lectures usually the same, very few men there. Bagpuss- I will let you know Edited August 13, 2006 by lil_me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jannyk Report post Posted August 13, 2006 things here are pretty strained at the moment james does put a lot of pressure on us as a family but his dad does wind him up and i always feel i am listening out for arguments when they get together dh just wont let things go and he still just doesnt get that j needs things explaining to him or that he just doesnt think in the same way as his older db and ds. i sometimes think it would be better if me and james just left but i dont think i could do this to dh but then he will say i cant wait for james to leave home which i have told he may never do . I just wish he was more understanding to him. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted August 13, 2006 jannyk, thats exactly how i feel,im always listening out for arguments when they are in the same room and i feel DH goes too far in winding steven up,he says they are having a laugh but it always goes too far and all hell breaks loose. as for my DH going to a support group,i would have to drag him there kicking and screaming,he thinks thats a womans thing Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fiorelli Report post Posted August 14, 2006 My husband and Louis are the same - they both know how to wind each other up. And I tell my husband and Louis it - if they don't know what they are doing, how are they supposed to know? My favourite phrase on really bad days are "Just Ignore Him, I know it's hard, but just ignore him" - this is to everyone who is winding someone up. (although, obviously if someone is being naughty, they get consequences - including hubby - my goodness, I think he is my 5th kid sometimes!!! ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
