Eye of the beholder?

[baddad]

(Or �The Interactional Paradigm� [Kelly, D et al, 1989], if you want to get technical about it!�)

 

Something that happened during a mostly marvellous week at Butlintz, that demonstrates brilliantly how individual perspectives can imply different meanings to a single set of circumstances, and how that can impact hugely on the lives of our kids?

 

Ben and I were a little bit late getting to the ?club? one evening (he?d been struttin? his funky stuff rather energetically on the Konami machine and lost all track of time!), and by the time we arrived there were no seats available and the show was in full swing. Looking over people?s heads, I could see there was a good bit of sitting-space on the floor in front of the stage for Ben, and I suggested he make his way through while I stood at the back.

Ben, keen as mustard, couldn?t see the small gap between the edge of the seated crowd and the stage, and instead tore off THROUGH the crowd before I could stop him. Given the noise of the show, the size of the crowd and his own excitement, Ben couldn?t hear my directions, or those of the people who were blocking his path at the final hurdle?

 

PERSPECTIVE ONE:

Sitting in a fairly large group around several tables on the edge of the stage, LADY 1 becomes aware of a small boy trying to force his way between her chair and the one next to her. She asks him to wait, and tries to direct him around the edge of the chairs toward the small gap next to the stage. The boy ignores her, then tries to crawl UNDER her chair, between everyone?s legs. When he can?t get through this way, he tries to climb OVER her chair, using whatever he can grab as a handhold. She pushes him back, trying again to direct him around to the gap he can?t see, and in the process accidentally pulls off a set of love beads the boy is wearing on his wrist. At this the boy starts flailing his arms wildly, and calls her a �prat�. Interpreting the arm movements as aggression, she tries to hold the boy back, calling him a ?horrible, vicious little boy�. As she shouts this a fairly large, flustered looking bloke arrives on the scene, saying, �He?s not horrible, love, he has autism�. At this, her friend (Lady 2) turns to the man and say?s (quite aggressively) �Well WE didn?t know that!!� to which the man replies (equally angrily) �No, I didn?t say you did, did I? Which is why I was trying to explain it to you!� Hearing this LADY 1 Then says: �Well we can see where he gets it from can?t we? No wonder he?s so rude and aggressive with a father like you to contend with!!� etc etc?

 

PERSPECTIVE TWO:

Baddad watches apprehensively as Ben fetches up behind a large group blocking his way. He?s trying to catch Ben?s eye by shouting and waving so he can point to the gap he sees at the edge of the stage, but Ben can?t hear him and is looking in the wrong direction. On seeing Ben trying to crawl under the chairs, Baddad starts making his way forward to intervene, but by the time he arrives, Ben?s ?worry beads? have come off, and he is having a hissy fit involving lots of non-directed arm flailing, which results in him being called, �horrible� and �vicious�. Rushing over to try and calm the situation, Baddad starts to explain that Ben has an autistic spectrum disorder, only to hear an explosive �Well WE didn?t know that!� from behind him. His response to this isn?t intended to sound aggressive (and he doesn?t really realise that it does at this point), but in reality it probably does because Baddad has been here many, many times before, and ? rightly or wrongly ? it does put his back up when people make the wrong assumptions about his son without ever giving a thought that there might be another explanation?etc etc

 

PERSPECTIVE THREE:

Ben is struggling to fight his way through the crowd to see the stage show. It?s the man off of CITV and Ben is very excited. He?s completely stuck behind this large group of people, and even shouting at the top of his voice he just can?t get their attention. Who knows, maybe Ben thinks they?re doing it on purpose? Lots of people ignore him completely at school when he tries to talk to them. Finally, a lady looks round, but instead of moving to let him past she just starts pointing in the opposite direction and shooing him away. He tries going under the obstacles, but that doesn?t work either. Seeing no other way forward, he next tries to climb over the back of the chair, but the lady pushes him backwards. Then she steals his new beads, which he?s only just put on after breaking his other set at the swimming pool. The beads are a new idea, to help him stop stimming his hair. They mean a lot to him. Ben gets angry, and calls the lady a prat [not a nice word, certainly, but Ben?s worst curse, which, given his age, is something to be grateful for!]. He starts stamping his feet and throwing his arms about in frustration. He sees dad coming to help out, but when he gets there another lady starts shouting at HIM? etc etc.

 

 

 

When things were calmer, I sent Ben over to apologise, then followed this up with a further apology myself when I explained CALMLY that Ben?s ASD is never used as an excuse for bad behaviour, but that responses to incidents sometimes call for certain allowances to be made.

For the most part, Ben probably lives with firmer boundaries than most kids of his age, and generally copes brilliantly given his compromised understanding of social rules and his inability to fully ?read? the intentions of others. The situation was also explained fully to Ben, to ensure he understood that the ladies weren?t being nasty, that they just hadn?t understood what was going on...

All in all, only a couple of minutes out of a whole evening and no major catastrophe, but it took the shine off the rest of the night for me if no one else?No ones ?fault? either: three adults and one kid all messing up to a degree, and all feeling hugely embarrassed and guilty as a result.

We did bump into the ladies occasionally afterwards, and they got the opportunity to see Ben (and me!) in a better light? Hope their holiday was as good as the rest of ours was, which (for the third or fourth year running!) was ? in Ben?s reckoning ? our �best one EVER!!�

 

Still trying to catch up on everything, but will get back soon?

Did everybody miss us??

Did ANYBODY miss us??

Oh? Right? ? ? ?

I?ll just get my coat?

 

L&P, y?all

BD (and Ben)

[oracle]

<'> Baddad <'> (worst user name on here because you are so obviously anything but a Bad Dad!

 

It is so hard for our kids and us sometimes. I know as we are once again having some emotional fun here. I now realise that where Matthew is concerend it's called 'Social Saturation Syndrome' and he only appears to suffer from this towards the end of the six weeks holidays.

 

I think that many of us actually have much firmer rules for our children, which is why it hurts to so much when they get themselves into bother through no real fault of their own.

 

After last summer we have worked so hard with Matthew about keeping his hands feet and any other likely weapons to himself. So when he once again today, finds himself being kicked and punched in the tummy by two girls, all because he found a caterpiller and they did not - it makes me quite angry. Especially as when he got very angry and started shouting for their parents to do something about it (no swearing this year so at least we have made progress there to) - the parents replied that maybe I should take him in And maybe their kids should learn to keep their hands feet and other weapons to themselves I heard myself replying. I also know that where we live Matthew now often gets the blame because he 'is' autistic. Again when you work hard to make them socially acceptable it's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Matthew does not find it so easy to accept that others are not being nasty to him and often I can understand why - because sometimes I agree with him.

 

But well done you for going back with a second apology - you are a better man that I young man I am glad that for the most part your holiday was a goodun. Matthew goes to Boys Brigade Camp on Saturday - if he can get rid of a nasty throat and chest virus that I very kindly passed over to him

 

Carole

 

PS Have you been somewhere then

[annie]

When Alex was younger, sometimes even now, if he wants to get somewhere he only thinks of going the straight route. It would never occur to him that you have to walk round people or objects. Walking along the road, he wont move out of the way if people are coming towards him, he expects the other people to move.

 

Carole - I know what you mean about getting the blame because he 'is' autistic. It's like it makes it OK to blame them

 

Baddad - Miss you ????

 

Annie

<'>

[bid]

Bad-who??

 

Bid

[call me jaded]

We're not long back from our holiday camp Experience (you can't just go somewhere nowadays, you have to have an experience when you get there).

 

Third night in absolutely exhausted I take pity on my mother and take her back to the club for late night entertainment only to be told off by them onstage (who came down offstage) for not joining in (my mother is up dancing). Had I realised at the time that they were the best on offer (they were really quite good) I might have summoned up the energy for a bit of a dance, but having spent the previous two nights playing musical beds with my two youngest (and you know how tiny caravan bedrooms are), plus the strain of getting my ASD child to wear clothes AT ALL TIMES, etc I just didn't have even a clap in me (oo'er). I spend the rest of the holiday wondering what, if anything, I could have said and conclude that what I did say ('I'm knackered!') was the most appropriate response.

 

Best holiday anecdote: Mr J woke up one morning and asked me to call an ambulance for him (trust me it's funny) and I said I wasn't going to as he was still walking and talking. Decide to find him a doctor. We wait for a bit over two hours Mr J crawls into the doctor's office for a 2 minute consultation and comes bounding out happily waving a prescription for anti-biotics. Bless. He's got tonsilitis.

 

My mother has told him he's having the next baby. This is news to me as there ain't going to be no more babies.

 

Glad you had 'the best holiday ever'. Did you get any brown bits? Two weeks in Dorset and I'm brown

[helenl53]

Welcome to the Forum Baddad - you will find lots of people here to talk to.

 

You may wish to introduce yourself.

 

HelenL

[baddad]

Knock Knock

 

Who's there?

 

Baddad

 

Baddad Who?

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, How quickly they forget.....

(SM: sometime in the 'Q' era)

 

[CarerQuie]

I think we've all been in those situations.Welcome back,Baddad-and we did notice you were away.xx

[mrs q]

Thought your posts were excellent about different situation....

 

My one is not one I am pride of....but I think we might have all felt it at one time....in Asda....only need a few things....so let T who was three walk around.....he spotted something he wanted....but only had enough money and time to get milk.....so he decide he was going to run away, making alot of noise.....fine you think....at the time I was waiting to go into hospital to have an op.....manage to grab him....before he really got into motion.....

 

Had a group of women tuttering and saying the usual thing about behaviour etc.....

 

I just snap...not sure out of agony or anger....

 

I think I said something like 'he has autism, and his behaviour is not always perfect.....what is your excuse.....' and stormed off....with no milk....and a child tuck under my arm.....

 

Send S my partner out later to get the milk.....

[Guest flutter]

welcome back

glad to see you had a 'good' holiday

C x

[Suze]

Badders....your back .

[Tylers-mum]

I don't think we've met but great to meet ya anyhow! j/k

 

Welcome back Baddad!!!

 

Took my son to Butlins last year but steered well clear of the packed halls etc b/c he'd totally freak out, hates crowded areas. Ohh, one day maybe!! LOL Strange though b/c he can tolerate cinema's and theatres but not halls. Maybe it's b'c it's more organise, who knows!! LOL

Edited August 23, 2005 by Tylers-mum

[elaine1]

whoo we went to butlins at minehead and saw steven from citv too.

our lad hated all the noise though so we left sharpish!!

 

Ppl can be so blinkered cant they

[smiley]

'Best' comment i recieved.......

 

Little man got his knee stuck in tesco's - between the wall and bar thingy (thingy there to stop your trolley bashing wall.)

 

Three people got to him before me - he hates people touching him, especially people he doesn't know. So bellows his head off as soon as they get to him - just before me. I had to explain (very loudly, he was BELLOWING,) that he doesn't want to be touched, that he's Autistic and thank you very much but could you please not touch or speak to him............

 

They all meant well, i'm sure of that, and one fab security guard helped me free little one's knee, after telling M he wouldn't touch him etc.

 

Turned to go (without shopping), once again thanked them, still appologising for my son (why do i feel i need to do that???!) and the woman - with a very sympathetic voice said - "You really shouldn't bring him out dear - he might upset people". I was so shocked i just wandered off - son clinging to my neck - without saying a word.

[annie]

smileymab,

 

 

I can't type what I would really like to about that woman's comment without the risk of being banned..........

 

Annie

<'> <'>

[smiley]

Thank you hunni

 

Once the shock wore off i was ready to kill.....maybe just as well i didn't have the chance to think about it.....................

Edited June 20, 2008 by baddad