fiorelli

That's just it Kathryn, the communication between staff is 1st class. The school told resi at the end of school handover, which promted his Keyworker to look herself due to previous incident. The problem is staff telling us - the parents. It's as if they think we don't give a damn, and don't want to know what is happening with our child because we have put him in 24 hour curriculum. We don't see homework, we don't see spellings, we don't see reading books, we don't know when he has done exceptionally well at something, we don't know when he has had trouble with something. This is why I called a meeting with the teacher/keyworker last term - 2 weeks ago - I thought we had cleared up any misunderstandings, but obviously not. I will certainly let you know if anything changes. Thanks.

I called last night (around 7.00pm) to speak to L when it was mentioned to me by the adult that answered the phone that he had hurt his foot, but it was OK because he had been given Ice to put on it. I then spoke to my son. He said he had been pushed over in morning play during a game of football, and had hurt his ankle, and that it was still hurting . I spoke again with his keyworker, who told me that school had mentioned he had hurt his foot in the morning, but had been walking around on it fine, although wasn't quite as active as normal. They checked his foot out and found that his ankle was starting to swell and had the beginnings of a bruise. They kept him as quiet as possible with his foot elevated throughout the evening. I said that I was concerned and reminded the keyworker that my son doesn't respond to pain in the 'normal' way (he had previously fallen down the stairs at resi house, and was only noticed that he had hurt himself when someone saw how big his ankle was the next morning), and asked whether she thought he was really hurt or just playing on the sympathy (or a bit of both!). She said she wasn't sure, so I asked if they could give him some calpol and keep an eye on him and let me know how he is this morning. She said that she would call and let me know this morning when she goes into the school office before she goes home. (she leaves at 10.00am). At 10.30 I still hadn't heard, so I called the school to see how he was to be told "Oh! Hasn't E called you? They've taken him to casualty." It turns out that they had decided at breakfast that as he was still having pain, they would take him to have him checked over. I have just been told that the nurse done a full manipulation of his foot and thinks he has just sprained it, but worst case senario may have cracked a bone. But they haven't taken an x-ray because the treatment is the same for both. I am so annoyed/angry that not only was I originally not told that he had hurt his ankle, but even more so that I wasn't told they were taking him to casualty! It's even more frustrating as it was only the last week of school that I was there talking to his keyworker and class teacher about feeling totally out of the loop with what is happening in school because no one tells me anything.

We have had to tell L that we have sold the XBox 360. We have also had to lock most of the channels on Sky. Whilst I relish the chance at having some peace when L is engrossed in constantly changing XBox games, or sitting in front of the same 'Top Gear' programme for the 20th time, I do not like the violence that comes should anyone else want to have a go on the XBox, or want to watch something different on the TV. Add to that the amount of violence that is creeping into these games and TV programmes, and he has more 'ammunition' - more things to 'copy', something else that - in his mind - is telling him that to behave in a certain way if ok. Only you can decide if it is ok for your child to watch/do these things. It isn't up to anyone else as they are not the one that has to live with your son. You are.

Can't help I'm afraid, just wanted to say that I use OpenOffice - all the benefits/products of MS Office, but for free!

Thinking of you today. Try and stay calm! Luv Fi xx

I had an (informal) meeting yesterday with L's class teacher. I asked to meet with her simply to touch base as I have been feeling very out-of-the-loop with school since L has been in residential. It was a very informative meeting for me, and I am glad we got together. It is so refreshing to have a teacher who isn't constantly saying that there is nothing wrong with L and that they don't see why he isn't in the school. She has said that he is starting to speak up for himself - she has spent a lot of time working with him so as he feels he can tell someone 'no' (he has a 'thing' about negatives - at home he doesn't like hearing it, at school he doesn't like saying it!) She admitted that his vocabulary is very limited, but they are working on ways of trying to help build on it and introduce new words. He takes a long time to grasp anything, she explained it as 'you can very much see the cogs working', e.g. with his work he will sit for a while reading the question, then sit for longer working out what the question is saying, then sitting for longer working out the answer, then she said you can near enough 'see the lightbulb' when he is ready to put it down on paper. We found out that L may be copying 1 or 2 of his classmates. He has this thing at the minute where he believes he is an adult. He tells his brothers off, tries to give them discipline, insists he does what he wants, stays up til he wants - all because 'I'm an adult'! I was talking to the teacher and resi keyworker about this, and they both said there is another boy in his class who is exactly the same in the class/school, and they are of the opinion that L may be copying him. There is also another aspect of his behaviour that he is copying from someone in school/resi. She said L is working at around year 2-3 for literacy and numberacy, but all the work that is done in other lessons is for year 4 curriculum (but from what I can gather, although he is doing that curriculum, I'm not certain that he is actually working at that level iykwim) she expects him to be getting level 2a's when tests are done after half term. He is progressing, but his ability (slowness) to be able to work things out and his vocabulary are slowing him down considerably. She called him the class 'plodder' (not meant nastily) i.e. he plods along at his own pace and gets there eventually. They also agreed with me that the behavioural problems L had in his mainstream school masked his real problems, which meant they were overlooked by the LEA in favour of sending him to the BESD school he is at now. In this sense, she said they didn't think that he was in the right placement, but he does need to be in some form of special needs placement. As she said 'It all goes to help your case when you go for your next school'. So in that sense, us 'going along' with the LEA in sending him to this school has done what we thought it would in proving that a BESD placement is not the right one for L. I expressed concern that in the review meeting (teacher was ill so wasn't able to attend), we were told that they were looking at integrating L back into mainstream, and asked her thoughts. Her words to me were 'at the moment, at the rate he is going at, I can't see him being ready for mainstream' and she and resi keyworker both advised me to 'use this next year to start looking at what placements are available for year 7'. They also told me that in year 5 (september) there will be 2 reviews, one a review of his statement, and the other to look at what sort of placement would be suitable for him in year 7. So, it looks like the race is on again in finding a placement.

I am very sorry to hear that you son got hurt whilst in the school's care. It shouldn't happen, but it does, and when it does, all we want is for people to tell the truth so we can best help our child. However, playing devil's advocate here... Could the school have adopted a 'no comment' stance whilst investigations are ongoing with the LEA (you mentioned they are now on the case). I suppose what I am trying to get as, is look at it as if it was a car accident (I know, sorry!), you are told not to admit liability at the roadside, that you contact your insurers and let them deal with whoever and whatever happened, that way there isn't a 'he said, she said' scenario, both sides can put in their story and then the insurers (or LEA in your case) can work out the truth (or what they believe to be the truth) from their end, and deal with it appropriately. Whilst it isn't comfortable for you to go into school with your son and get silent treatment/ignored, it may be what they are told to do and not what they actually want to do? I hope your son is on the mend, (you didn't say when it happened), and is able to play outside soon.

Oh, and I forgot to say, I have an appointment with his school teacher next week and I'll be asking then whether it is true. I hope she says yes.

Basically from what I can work out, in L's special school the children are in classes according to ability rather than age, but by the very nature of this the classes are mostly children of the same age with a couple of different aged children scattered around iykwim. Louis is in a class of children 1-2 years younger than him as he is working at year 2 rather than year 4 (which his age would dictate). At the weekend, Louis mentioned that he had been told he would be going up 2 groups. So he would be going up to the class that is mainly his [proper] year group. I have such mixed feeling about this. for 2 years now, he has been working with the same group of children on work that he can mainly do. So I feel sad for him that potentially (as I haven't heard this from the school yet) he will be leaving the group of children he has worked with and come to class as friends, to go into a totally new existing group. I am anxious as to how this new group will take to him as they have already got their established peer groups, and L will be very much an 'outsider' unless they let him in (which I'm sure they will at some point), which if this happens, I know he is going to be so upset. If it is true then I feel very much like they'll be throwing him in at the deep end to see if he will sink or swim. I also feel they have an ulterior motive for doing this, as I know they want to introduce him into mainstream in year 6, ready for full time mainstream in highschool (so would need to be able to work with children his own age). On the other hand, the truly awful part of me thinks... I hope he fails badly. I hope that putting him in with a group of children his own age - and size - will show them that he can't cope with knowing he is different to other children his age. That he can't boss them around. That they won't do as he tells them, that he will have to do what they want on occasion. That they will know more/different stuff to him. I hope that he has the meltdowns that he used to get in his mainstream primary. I hope that the school will finally get to see what he can really be like. They've seen the good stuff for too long now. Maybe they will start believing us and stop putting condesending comments in his home-school diary (another day in paradise! Brilliant day! I know there have been problems at home, but at school he has been perfect!) How awful am I?!

ANyone's child on meds and have hayfever? I have just had the pharmacist refuse to sell us anything, stating that we need to see someone who knows L well (e.g. GP) before they will give us any meds for him. (Un)fortunately(?), all the children's hayfever meds are kept behing the counter so we can't buy anutjhng without the pharmacist sayso. So my son has to suffer now until we can get him to a GP. (sorry if I don't make much sense, I've just drunk the best part of a bottle of wine. Thank God for Scghool teaching me touchi typing is all I can asy!)

Tally, have you gone to your personnel manager? If you have been to your line manager and raised your concerns and nothing has been done about it, then your personnel manager would be the next point of call, then store manager, and failing that, the Main Human Resources people at Head Office. As Warren pointed out, keep a diary of what he has said, what he has done, what has upset you and how, and date and time (if possible, rough times would be fine), you can then show this/photocopy it and send to HR. Look at the grievance procedure and follow what that says, and if you still get no joy, contact citizens advice. You shouldn't have to put up with people being nasty in the workplace, and there are laws in place to prevent that. (Oh, and I agree with Pearl, just do your job, and no more. I know how difficult that may be - I used to work in a supermarket myself - but unless he is shown to not be pulling his weight/the job isn't getting done, then the managers are less likely to do anything about it.)

I just got out our camcorder, and watched a video that was in there. The clip was essentially of my 3rd son taking his first steps aged 13months (November 21st 2002 - I'd even said the date as I was recording!). It was really nice watching it, not only to see my son taking his first steps again, but also to see what L was like at 4. 'Wassat Ma?' 'The lights on Ma' (I'd knocked on the spotlight for the camcorder accidently) 'Howdya put light on Ma?' 'show me where you put the light on Ma' 'Whatya doin' Ma? 'Let me see Ma' But the best bit? All this was said in the most cute Welsh accent. We moved from Wales when he was 2 1/2, and he has all but lost his accent now (as have I so I'm told) I hadn't realised that he used to call me Ma. (Now it is just plain old 'Mum' or 'B***h') But we had another breakthrough with L and Dad (my husband) this morning when L waved him off to work. He also said to Dad that he would go bike-riding with him if Dad bought a bike for himself.

That's just it though, because the only 'proof' we have is purely anecdotal - 'he said he does this', he said he done that. If he came back from there with bruises etc that we could take pictures of, then there would be solid proof (although they could then turn around and say that he 'fell over'), so even then the 'proof' could be refuted. It's a mess, and I'm not even sure we'll be eligible for legal aid again, in which case, we haven't got the money to be able to go back to court. Will wait and see what SS say when they inevitably turn up on my doorstep in the next day or so, and then go along to citizens advice and go from there.

Thank for replying. Justamum, that is useful info. Thank you. We have a week until AP is 'supposed' to be having them again. Will get something sorted for then, and get some legal advice. Thanks again.

Well, we have just found out that for the 3rd time, school have-are calling in Social Services, Child Protection team. This time is slightly different in that it is his resi keyworker that is calling them in, and not regarding us. I have briefly talked about L's 'absent parent', or 'sperm donor' or 'father in wales' on here. L was taken to the park today with others from resi with their keyworkers. While there, L got upset and started crying. After talking to L, he told them that the reason that he behaves like he does with us (swears, hurts younger brothers, doesn't listen to my hubby, tries to play us off against each other etc), is because L gets told to do this by his 'absent parent'. He then went on to tell them that he is frightened by AP, he swears at him, tells him to be nasty to us, tells him to split us up, not to listen to hubby (L calls him 'dad'), and that if he is nasty to younger brothers then dad will split up with me and take younger boys with him then I'll be able to get back with AP yadda yadda yadda...you get the picture. But the biggy is that L told Keyworker that AP has been threatening him, and has punched him in the face . He has said to Keyworker that he doesn't want to see AP and that the only reason he goes to Wales is to see Nanny (AP's Mum). Because of this, Keyworker is obliged to call in CPT. As we are the main carers of L, they will come knocking on our door. I am however, whilst feeling very sad for Louis, feeling very damned if we do and damned if we don't with regards to the situation. We have been aware for a while that L hasn't been exactly enthralled about going, and has actually said to us that he doesn't want to go, and if he does, he only wants to go and see Nanny. However, we have a court order (initiated by AP) that gives us residency of L and his brother, but gives AP access 2 times a month, and 2 weeks holidays. So unless we break the court order without really hard evidence/proof, we can get hauled before courts again and face consequences etc. So as much as we know that it would be best for L not to go (and don't particularly want him too), he has had to go, but as AP isn't the most consistent of people, L never knows whether he is coming or going. So as for the damned if we do, and damned if we don't, I feel very much like we'll be hauled through the coals for 'putting'/allowing L to be in this situation, but then likewise for stopping him going. What a really messed up situation. I have spoken to Louis tonight (and so has hubby), and he seems to be in good spirits, but talking to his keyworker, he did get very upset talking about it, and even had to go and do some 'power rangers moves' (as described by keyworker!) in the park - something which he doesn't do in resi, and something which isn't allowed in school or resi, but he was 'allowed' to as he was in the park with plenty of room, and they realised he needed a release.

"Can your child occupy themselves?" Not at all. Well, not for more than 5 minutes anyway (unless he has full reign of the tv remote so he can memorise all 'his' programmes, what channel number they are on and at what time, and time them ready to watch. I can't even go to the toilet without him being there! Even suggestions of what to do - play with this, play with that, do this, read a book, do that etc. are met with 'No, that's boring, I don't know what to do'. You physically have to do it with him.

That's the one Bard - Split Diagraph! I remember how it came about now - we were learning spellings, and I was waffling on about a silent e at the end of a word, and he said 'Oh, that's a split diagraph.' Me, I was a bit , I remember saying 'You what?', and him saying something along the lines of 'split diagraph, that's when a and e are split by another letter.' From a 5 year old! Learning, so far he has managed to learn his words by copying. He will write them out anywhere between 5 and 10 times, and then he'll be able to do it without looking (for most words), but these seem a bit harder to those he's had before. Thanks for the mnemonic verse for the 'ould words. Will come in very handy! Now just need to help him get to grips with his higher doubles on number bonds...

Thankyou for replying, both on here and PM. Sorry, those are 4 weeks worth of spellings, quickly, suddenly, quietly, gently and happily being the ones for this week (they get 5 new spellings to learn a week). They are spellings for my 6 year old (year 1). I am so not used to this. I am used to dealing with a child who is working below his years, and one who is working at his level. Having M working above his (average age) level now means that all 3 of my boys are working at around the same level (actually, M's spellings are harder than both of the older 2). He is 6 and in year 1. mnemonics - is this the big elephants something something something small elephants thing? (are there any for the words above that will help him remember? What's the best way of teaching him them spellings? Read, Cover, Write? My 6 year old can home talking about split something or others in year R and I didn't have the faintest idea what he was on about! That is until he explained it to me! A 5 year old, explaining to his Mum about literacy work! Come On!

Louis can ride a bike (standing up as well!) as long as it is downhill, or on the flat (after cycling down hill - momentum and all that), anthing with an incline is too difficult for him - he gets off and pushes (not that I blame him!) He learnt to do this last summer (the year before, he could balance as the bike rode down the slope of the garden, but could not peddle) He is 10 in September. He learnt to tie his laces about 6 months ago, He often has to have someone else 'check' them though as they come undo 2 minutes after he has tied them. My 8 yr old can ride a bike like a tropper (has been able to for a couple of years), and can tie his laces when he wants too! My 6 year old can tie his laces when he wants too, and can't really ride a bike just yet, although he is getting better, and his confidence is coming along! My 2 year old loves undoing shoelaces, and taking them out of the shoes - does that count?

If a child is given the spellings: quickly, Suddenly, quietly, gently, happily, didn't, couldn't, can't, don't, won't, because, which, thought, through, meanwhile, would, should, could, around, found, What (average) age would you say they are? Thanks. (p.s. this isn't regarding Louis - thankfully!) feel free to pm me if you don't want to put answer on the forum. Thanks again, Fi xx

Be thankful that you know now. We have no idea whether the schools my boys are at will be striking. Apparently, they don't have to let the headteacher know until the day of the strike, if they'll be striking or not.

Thank you all for replying to this, and I apologise for not replying sooner, but I hope you can all understand why I have not been able to. Things seem to have calmed down a shade or 2 over the course of the week. It seems very much like he was just testing our boundaries and getting accustomed to being with us again. We still have concentrated moments where all hell seems to break loose. We have discovered over the week that shouting above him, getting angry, adn threatening various things - however much we may have wanted to do it - during these moments have been absolutely useless, and have served no purpose other than to raise our blood pressure and escalate things way beyond our control. We have found a way that works for us is to isolate him during these times, and to remain calm (whilst quietly seething/crying inside/getting angry etc.), not respond to any of his swearing/threats etc. We do make it known loud and clear straight away if he so much as even goes to hurt anyone, and a consequence is given. We also make sure that my husband and I back each other up. If one says something, then we both follow through. Most of all we make sure we talk, honestly and openly - both to each other and to Louis. We make it known when he is calm that what he has done is not acceptable. We discuss ways that he can try and manage his anger and frustration. Swearing is still a problem, but less so, and more when he is due his meds. Louis has spent the last 15minutes playing a game on the playstation - with my husband! I can't remember the last time they have done something like that! I don't profess to know everything - or even anything! However, I know the way that we are doing things at the moment seem to be working (touch wood!) for us.

Sorry, having a very tough week with L, so have a few questions. How do you discipline a child who won't be disciplined? How do you go about telling a child 'no' when they fly off the handle at anything that remotely sounds like it's going to be a negative response to something they have said/done/asked? How do you get a child to stop focusing on the bad and start looking towards the good? How do you stop a child calling his parents B***h, B******d, F***er, W***er etc etc etc...... when he has been told to call them this constantly by his absent parent and that side of the family? answers on a postcard please!

Question in the title. Thanks.

Well Done OJ!