Mandapanda

Hi dekra If you are involved with CAMHS, paediatrician, social services you can ask them to write letters of support for your family. Your GP should also be able to do a letter. Any adults in the family who have contact with mental health services could also ask their care worker for a letter. Good luck.

In some areas there is a sort of maintenance firm that will do maintenance jobs for people on low incomes/benefits. Maybe the library/CAB/council will have information if there's one in your area? I thought councils did places up before they were reoccupied - obviously not!

Hi matzoball It sounds to me like she has very low self esteem and is in some ways jealous of you. You have plans and are taking control of your life - whereas she looks to other people for validation all the time. You've tried to help (I've done the same myself on occasions), but in the end it is you that is suffering and she is probably beyond help, with her behaviour so entrenched she can't even see it. It's taken me many years to realise that friendship should definitely be a two way thing, anything less than that is not good for me.

Hi Daniel Well done on getting some advice. Sometimes you may just need reminding of those techniques, or confirmation that you are doing the right thing. Don't be hard on yourself, and make sure you do speak to them again.

Yes indeedy

Hi Jeanne Perhaps if it is a smaller gap he will get used to the 'routine' more easily. If they have a plan in place that should help too. You'll just have to see how it goes. Could they take videos of him to send you between home visits? That way you could get to see him enjoying himself without him getting upset. Just a thought.

Hi Robo If you are recognising signs of relapse then you need to contact them (do you have to go via your GP?). You may just need a few sessions to refresh yourself with the CBT techniques that you learned before - it can be quite hard to keep up with that yourself indefinitely. Everybody struggles sometimes, especially when things get stressful at work, so don't worry about contacting them again.

It is very hard being parents. Absolutely nothing can prepare you for it. Everybody expects you to be calm, responsible, sensible adults and do the right things all the time, but don't actually tell you what those things are! And we all bring our hangups and difficulties from our relationships with our own parents to the parenting table. Of course there are some rubbish parents around, and some really really awful ones. My parents weren't interested in me, they were too wrapped up with their own problems and I was the youngest of 4 and they'd kind of lost interest by then. You just get to a certain age and have to think "whatever has happened in the past, and whoever is to blame, I am the one who can make my future better". I'm glad going to Uni was a good thing for you.

I was thinking about PDA at 4am this morning (as you do!). The key difference (in my opinion based on experience) between a child being stubborn/awkward/difficult/naughty/manipulative etc and PDA is that the child will refuse to do something he REALLY REALLY WANTS to do just because you want him to do it, are encouraging him to do it, or trying to use it as a reward, or even when you are threatening to withhold it as a punishment etc. They will in effect 'cut off their nose to spite their face' as they say.

Either you'd already proved you were stubborn and wouldn't do what they suggested , or they wanted to encourage you to be independent in your learning ?

Oh no, my youngest son will be saying much the same thing when he's your age - we took his favourite cuddly toy away when he was being (we thought) extremely naughty. It was like he was bereaved for years. We had NO IDEA what we were doing or what effect it would have (or why he was behaving the way he was), and wish we could turn the clock back. Howlin Mad: I would imagine if you see a professional who is aware of ASDs they would not be at all surprised by your interests. Is ASD suspected or is it something you have come across information on which you recognise as being like you?

Your posts always seem very articulate and clear to me

Hi acid74 This is very interesting, and I can understand what you are saying. You obviously have good insight, thank you for telling me about this. I work in the NHS and enjoy meeting people from different countries/cultures. I had been thinking he'd be better in a smaller Uni like Chichester, but maybe he would be better in a city Uni? You just think of the number of people - we didn't go to Uni so have no idea what they are like or how the social dynamics work in them. I did research last year on Uni courses so I am aware that many Unis take them on points rather than grades, so I have been able to reassure him on this point. It is a bit scary hearing the news and so many students not getting into Uni with As and A*s, but I wonder if it's because they all want to do the same courses and, as you say, go to only the best Unis? I guess our best approach is to purely look for a course that he's interested in and not worry about where it is or how 'highly rated' it is (or not). acid74 and darkshine: You two are doing brilliantly by the sound of it, and both aware of your difficulties and finding your own ways to overcome them (though I can understand how frustrating this may have been for your parents at times). Well done!

Hi darkshine & mumble Strangely, although clicking the multiquote took me straight into the reply box before, when I read darkshine's explanation of how to do it and clicked multiquote it did change colour! We are using IE9 and Chrome at the moment so maybe it works on one and not the other? I've just done a post on another thread where I was able to deal with each part of someone's post separately - it's brilliant! Thank you so much Now you're talking my language - don't know why I didn't think of this, I do it at work all the time What's a life? I think I've heard of it but I'm not sure...

Hi dad of Alix My eldest was very difficult to toilet train in the day. I tried leaving him in stuffed full leaking nappies but he didn't even seem to notice! We had to have potties everywhere, including right by his bed at night. Gradually as he got used to using it we moved the potties nearer the bathroom. We got a trainer seat for the toilet and eventually got there, but he was only 3 at the time. My youngest was dry in the day very easily and had great control but pooing was a totally different matter. He just didn't want to do it anywhere. He would hold on for days, he would sit on piles of cushions and be very fidgety and grumpy, but would refuse to admit he needed to go. I tried the new pants (he wouldn't want to get dirty ), no joy. Reward charts/sanctions did not work at all no matter how strict we were. It was like he was frightened to go. He ended up in hospital after fainting and being sick several times in a day. They couldn't find a reason but said he was constipated. The thing that started a huge change for the better was the simple thing of getting a new toilet seat. We moved house (he had just turned 6) and there were old pine toilet seats which we didn't like, so we got new, ordinary white ones. He was almost chuffed to be the first one to use the new seat in the downstairs toilet (even at 15 he still always goes downstairs to do a poo!). It wasn't plain sailing, I had to sit with him, it would take him hours and be very painful and he would cry (he has sensory problems which may have been the cause in the first place along with problems with germs - he still can't tell us). Gradually it came to him just telling us he needed to go and when he'd finished. Now he still tells us he's going, but he gets on with it, he always changes his pants after whether he needs to or not (germs?). I have also found having Andrex/Sainsburys toilet wipes available have really helped as he can get him self 'properly' clean. We also use the Palmolive aquarium liquid soap - it is fairly clear, not smelly, and unlike bar soap doesn't get dirty or touched by other people. He also has his own towel in the cloakroom and bathroom. No doubt others will see all this as pandering to his anxieties, but we are helping him live with them until he is old enough to accept help in the form of CBT or whatever. By contrast he won't shower as he read in New Scientist that dirt is good for us (this hasn't worked with toileting or food preparation though ). Aside from all of the above, the fact that ignoring the soiling caused her to wet herself as well does imply to me that there is certainly an element of attention seeking going on (though not necessarily a willful and deliberate course of action). However this may only be a part of the problem and may not be as straightforward to sort out as some think. Good luck!

Hi Jeanne I agree it would be sensible for them to get him reviewed by the psychiatrist in light of this situation. They do need to have a plan in place for times such as this. I also agree with Jsmum that they probably need to work with him on the idea of visits compared to going home for the weekend. Maybe even the fact of seeing you in the placement is confusing him as you are 'out of context' there? They must've dealt with this kind of thing before. At least you know he's not forgetting you! Thinking of you <'>

This is just like our youngest. I did suspect on many occasions but was put off by the school nurse when she said "just because you've got one child with AS doesn't mean you've got 2". I knew he had several very strong traits but it didn't all add up until a lot of things changed in his last year at primary school, and then at secondary school he just went completely to rock bottom. Our youngest wasn't generally like that - he tried really hard not to be noticed or stand out. He did once get in trouble for trying to stop another child going over the Yellow Line (not allowed) in the playground ! My eldest would do naughty things because others were doing them, completely oblivious it was wrong or that a teacher was coming and everyone else had stopped doing it - he would've ended up being expelled if I hadn't moved him to a more understanding school after only 2 terms at the first one My eldest has AS and had many problems times through school with friends, not knowing when kids were asking him to join in to make fun of him or hurt him etc. He was painfully honest - telling a teacher in front of the whole class who was responsible for some wrongdoing, yet he did eventually learn to lie, and when he did he would actually believe it! He once stole a Hot Wheels car (his obsession) from CAMHS - very embarrassing! However since going to college (a nice sixth form college) he has thrived, and has several groups of friends. The ones we have met are really nice and very individual like he is. The first time he said he was going to a party I was really worried, but they all left at 10pm and had been playing card games We never thought the youngest one would have MORE problems than his brother, but now he rarely leaves the house (at 15 he has NEVER EVER left the house on his own), school nearly destroyed him, and he has lost all his friends. But he has one thing his brother doesn't - anxiety, I think now that's mainly due to his senses being too sensitive. This is what has got the better of him, and at times has caused violent behaviour (despite his best efforts to control himself so as not to stand out). He has never understood why people should have authority over him just because they are older. And if we said "stop doing that or we'll take that toy away" he would just give us the toy (presumably so he could carry on doing it without punishment?!) It's amazing how different they can be, and I am now having some sympathy for the difficulties of diagnosis!

Hi I clicked multiquote and it brought me here with only your post quoted... Then I saw the little Insert quotation button but that just does this: So I did Insert quotation and then copied some text from a post below and pasted it between the quote instructions: Guess there's no stopping me now Though I'm still not sure how to do it if the message doesn't show below the reply box (if there are too many posts). Thank you RainbowsButterflies and darkshine - especially darkshine as you brought this whole subject up in the first place, and I was too embarrassed to ask!!

Hi jlp This is briliant - it sounded like you weren't expecting a dx of asd, did it come out of the blue? Just curious - any idea why they said a-typical rather than saying something like 'he doesn't fulfill all the criteria for a diagnosis of asd'? My son appears to be strongly PDA but also asd - I personally don't think you get one without the other (unless the child's just a little %&**^£). I think if my son could've gone to an EBD unit as soon as he stopped going to school he would have done well. He liked the sound of not wearing uniform, calling the teachers by their first names, 5/6 pupils to a class. But they said he had to do online learning/home tutoring first - which both failed. The online learning made him too anxious and the home tutor made him feel 'singled out' - something he'd spent 7 years avoiding! The Home Ed EWO has said it wouldn't have been good for him because of other pupils difficult behaviour, but as you've found it can work when you/others don't expect it to. I'm sure it can be difficult at home, he'll still need to let of steam and no doubt being at school still causes him some stresses. But at least he is getting an education and enjoying learning now.

Hi Jeanne It must be very hard, wanting to see him but him getting upset when you go. But absolutely brilliant that things are going so well in his placement. You know he's well looked after and safe and they have more people, resources etc to help him progress. Not too long to wait for his next home visit

Thanks (and to darkshine), it's useful hearing other people's experiences. We suspect/hope this is what will happen with Mj. College hasn't really helped in many ways - they wouldn't let him do A-level English the first year as he got a D at GCSE so he had to spend the first year redoing it (and got A). He said then that at school he had too much/too many different things to do, and that's why he did better in the English GCSE at college. They didn't want him to be at college 3 years even though he had to in order to do the English A-level! Last year he wanted to do only A2s History & Philosophy, AS English Lang & Asset Japanese but they insisted he do another AS (he chose Sociology after they said he couldn't do Computer Technology because he wasn't doing Maths ). They also keep on about needing As/Bs to get into Uni which I know isn't necessarily true. Suspect they just want their league tables to look good This year he seems happier with his choices. I got it a bit wrong - his Extended Project is in Creative Writing (chosen I believe as it means there will be no right or wrong answers and almost no 'research' etc ) and the Computer Animation is an Asset subject (just for fun ). I'm thrilled he's doing the animation as it's bringing him back to his designing flair. He used to draw hundreds of car designs, then moved on to drawing floorplan designs - they were amazing. I believe he still draws but he keeps it secret now.

Don't the NAS do little cards that can be given to people with brief explanation of ASDs?

darkshine - being overly helpful is a good thing in my opinion - the whole comment was a joke, but I did feel they couldn't punish you for doing something good and well meaning. Kathryn - I would just like to say (and I was going to say it before I knew you had replied), that this is the best forum I've ever been on. The actual subjects/threads are so clearly laid out and nice and separate, and the ability to view New Content since I last logged on is sheer brilliance. It is on the whole very easy to use. I have used a Yahoo group for Home Education but you literally have to read EVERYTHING as there aren't separate threads - which makes it virtually unusable to me. I salute whoever set this site up :notworthy: I have yet to work out how people quote different parts of different posts in one post, but no doubt it's in the instructions somewhere. I've just been too lazy to look .

Thanks everyone! He is going into his 3rd year at college. He'll be doing A2s in English Lang and Sociology (he hasn't got copyright on Sociology - just a grade C ), GCSE Japanese and an Extended Project (not really sure what that is ) about Computer Animation. It's lovely to see him so happy and proud of himself! We were watching the news about everyone rushing for Uni places this year due to next year's fees increase, and he said "at least I shouldn't have trouble getting in next year" - not sure it will work out like that but it's certainly putting a positive spin on things!

Hi I could report you for being overly helpful - surely they wouldn't lock the topic then You could try putting a more explanatory heading on your next post, not everyone's as nosy as me...