frogslegs

Sorry I am not complaining about my husband...He is a good person, and he does a lot for his children, taking my son away on trips and things but he just cannot accept the dx and in his eyes his son is normal and is treated normally. I finally received the final report today and even though I went through everything with Paed and this is just the piece of paper, it is hard. I am so emotional, this is ridiculous!!!! So you see SzxMum, you are not the only one....

My son goes away from time to time (either PGL camp or with my husband on a railway trip) and it is nice not to have to worry about him all the time and for my daughter to have a break. My son had to fill a feedback form yesterday for PGL and put a 10/10 on his stay so I asked whether he wanted to go back and he said absolutely. Well I have no guilt then because he is seriously enjoying it, learning new skills, getting more independent (isn't it what we want?). This time (easter break) I went away with my daughter and I realised how much we needed to have that time away where we could talk to each other and cool down on the emotion. We spoke a lot for one day and I slept 13 hours, then quiet.... chilling. You know he is happy and having a good time, may be you should try to have a good time too and stop feeling so guilty! Refill your batteries.... Don't you find that you can finally hear yourself breathe and think again? My only regret this year is that my daughter refused to go to camp too because I could have done with being on my own with my husband for a few days and looked after our relationship which always goes at the bottom of priorities. Take good care of yourself and make the most of this time to do enjoyable things, JUST FOR YOU!!!!!!!! To be a good carer you need to like yourself, REALLY... <'> <'> <'> <'>

Funnily enough I went this week to a new local ASD support group. Only mothers there and when asked they ALL said that their partners and parents had been the biggest problem because they could not accept the dx. So my situation is obviously not unique but that does not make it easier! You end up really isolated because you cannot even talk about your concerns at home! Also the scary thing is the number of couples with ASD children where the man has ended up leaving their family 'because they could not cope'. I can imagine men at the support group with the beer, behind the BBQ and talking footie... nothing changes!

Sorry to hear this. Best of luck! <'> <'>

I like your take on life Mumble, go for it! (blimey you've got a healthy appetite!)

I am pleased you are getting help. Light at the end of the tunnel! Take good care of yourself!

When I got the diagnosis a few weeks ago (you may remember) I wrote to our GP and told him that he had had the dx and he had wasted 5 years of my son's time to progress by continually dismissing me and my concerns. I was very surprised to receive a handwritten apology. It took a few days for dx to sink in (had quite a few tears) and was glad I could have a break during the holidays. Now we are back to normal (it is the same child as before) but at least we have some reference to go on. Tomorrow I have meeting with school and they are putting a programme for him to gradually prepare him for secondary (he is year 5) so I keep my fingers crossed. The one for whom all this is a problem is my husband who is still in complete and utter denial. As far as he is concerned our son is totally normal, what am I going on about? That makes life difficult and communication about our son limited! I think it is because he is in some ways similar to my son and he feels that he has led a normal life so what should there be a problem for my son? Plus there is, as you say Sally, the grieving for the son who will never play tennis, football, play normally with his peers....

Thank you. I hope things get sorted for your boy. Mel

Since my son has started school we have had problems with several teachers. He gets on better with stricter, older type as he knows where he stands. A lot of younger ones have no time or patience with children who are different and have a tendency to make hasty uninformed comments. Sometimes when you talk to them it is as if they were zombies repeating someone else's speech, they have learnt the right sentences to use so that it is kept impersonal. My son would give them problems and they would tell me without trying to find solutions. There were name calling issues that were left unresolved for a long time because the teacher could not see the problem even though my son was self-harming as a result. A lot of them seem to lack a basic sense of psychology and my son has felt humiliated many times. A lot of them are fresh from university with little life experience, no children of their own and an attitude. It is true that one has to be wary of what our children tell us (SEN or NT) but I have had to support my child from day one and I know what makes him tick (good and bad) and I know that if he is really upset then we have a genuine problem. Baddad, what you say really really really uspets me, I cannot say it any other way. It feels that whatever some of us say you counter just for the sake of it. It has been playing on my mind all afternoon. It seems completely counterproductive. The purpose of this forum should not be to argue but to support each other because at the end of the day being the parent of ASD children is difficult enough as it is. A lot of us have faced bad problems with schools and LEAs, NHS, pain parents of pain children....problems that we do not have with our NT children. A lot of us, like me, have several children and are capable to understand the difference between what is normal and what is not !

Baddad, stop picking on me!

My son would love to wear his uniform 365 days a year if I left him. He hates new shoes and he is now on the third same pair of school shoes size up each time. Don't mention mufti as he goes...in his school uniform! To be fair, he also likes jeans and thinks he looks superb in a buttoned up shirt, bless him.

Gosh, you sound really angry. What has been happening is very unfair and the teacher has obviously got a problem. If I may, may I suggest that you need to be calm before you go to school. Make a list of points and examples so you don't get too emotional. Good luck

I can relate to that.. I have learnt to not say too much to my mother who does not understand and sees the worst possible scenario (oooh people like that that's like so and so's son and he has schizophrenia and he attacked his mother you know!!!! )... So now everything is fine...It is difficult because she can't support us, it's more the other way round these days. I think we have to learn to be tolerant because....: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." ~ Oscar Wilde

Happy birthday! <'> <'> <'>

Nobby I agree that having a dx can be a label and that people are much much more than that. We have loved and cherished our son for 10 years without a label and will continue to do so with label. Like everyone else he has good days and bad days and good points and bad points. Our expectations for him are high as I see no reason why he should not achieve as much as most people. From a discipline point of view, I expect from him exactly the same as I expect from his NT sister, but I accept that it may take more time to get there for him. I truly believe he is a great person with lots of positive sides. Not every aspect of his life is affected by Asperger as he is mildly affected but certainly his social life is. That makes him so unhappy and what I hope from the dx is that it will provide him with the support he needs for life to be less of a struggle. I know that Asperger is a disability but I cannot call my son 'disabled' because he is on the whole a well adjusted young boy, but he is 'different'. He tells me that he likes himself and that he would not really want to swap with anyone else. I am proud of him and I am sure your parents must be proud of you too.

sore

dust

Well do you like nature? Have you tried walking groups? They are bril to meet people as you are there for an activity but at the same time you have plenty of time to chat with a wide range of people, so you have time to get to know them. I have travelled a fair bit and each time I went to a new place I joined one to make friends and it worked. Making friends with someone first is essential! I think on line dating is okayish but the problem is that people only give one side of their personality even the honest ones. Who is going to say that they have so many failed relationships behind them, and explain their worst bad points... One shows oneself in best light, then shock when meeting the person for real !!!! I met my husband when I was in my late twenties and he was late thirties, at the introductory evening of a leisure club (bunjee jumping, driving a tank type club). By chance we were sitting next to each other and started talking and neither of us joined the club and developed a friendship. Both of us were on the shelf really.. I had gone to all my friends weddings, christening of babies....I suspect my husband is an undiagnosed Aspie so he is not sociable but I did not mind as he is a really nice and kind person. There are plenty of people who are capable of appreciating a person for who he/she really is and are not looking for super cool guy, super dresser... He is extremely reliable, what he says he is going to do, he does, he is very organised, methodical. Those qualities are very valuable. You may be meeting people but I think they are the WRONG type! Good luck

sulk

I am always stuck when I need to give my husband a present as he does not drink, smoke or like sport, nor watch TV!!!! So the past few years I have bought red letter days. So he went for a bird of prey handling day which he really liked, a driving experience...they have lots of fun days on offer, adventure type but also pampering, outings in posh hotels.... We have also used them for retirement presents and they always seem to please people because it is a bit different.

argument

Baddad, I think you must live in a different world to the rest of us...A world were people are all sweet to each other. Peace and love? Unfortunately, for the rest of us the world is a slightly different story. I wish being nice, polite and constructive worked. But it does not always. I agree that shouting and threatening should not be used unless under duress but as parents of our special children we are often under duress. A lot of heads do not want to see that there is bullying in their school (that would be easier wouldn't it?) and therefore don't act on it. We had a head (who fortunately retired) for the first two years of my son's education and it was awful because nothing was adressed, so it would fester between parents of bullies and bullied. Now we have a younger person and things are managed better and as I said before things that happen at school are dealt with at school. Sometimes we end up at the end of our tether (certainly I do) when bad situations happen repeatedly and that our children are hurt physically or mentally and parents of perpetrators do not seem to see what the problem is. This is possibly because between two NT children these things don't become an issue. My daughter has never had a problem with anyone (touch wood) because she can take care of herself and sort her problems out herself. There is no one who can look after my son other than me and although I can try to help him sort himself out by giving him advice, there are times when he cannot handle things physically and emotionally and then we, his parents need to stand for his rights. I am not prepared to have my property ransacked, my son called names in the street everytime he goes out, or knocked off his bike on purpose, or him living as a recluse because he is scared, simply to be accommodating and not make waves!!!! I know that not making waves and being passive is an English tradition, but there are limits! There are children who are professional bullies and we certainly have a couple in our street whose parents let them be abusive to others. It is obviously an easier mode of education. They are not children with special needs but they are streetwise, left out in the street for hours on end without supervision. These days to avoid conflict I end up putting very carefully worded notes through parents' doors, systematically, I get father on doorstep swearing at me (he is a teacher). Now you tell me who is agressive? I must say I envy the fact that you obviously can stay calm in every situation, I wish I could be like that at all times.!

OK Baddad, I surrender...

It is definitely a difficult balance and the example that Baddad lists is between an adult and a child. The incidents we face are children harassing another child. For my part I have had endless polite discussions with their parents asking kindly not to let their children do this or that. Once you have asked X number of times and that you end up being shouted at by parents, told that children will be children and that they don't want their own children in their own backgarden because they will damage the beautiful flowers (sic) but that it's okay for them to harass others then it pushes my limits. When the neighbours kids came into my garden and broke things, I went two days after to see mother so that I was calm and explained what had happened and that I was seriously upset. The mother said that she did not know what to do, I suggested to come and apologise might be a good start that was laughted at! I have ended up saying that if there is a next time I will call the Police. A few minutes later the said child was chanting in the street that Mel always calls the police (never done yet) . Before I had children had you asked me whether I had an angry side I would have said never. Unfortunately I have discovered it! I am still keen on the desert island!!!!

Yes I agree with that. These days I avoid going to the school and my children take themselves there because the less I know the better I am. We have also drummed into my son that if there is a problem at school it needs to be dealt with immediately at school, that works on the whole. We also tell him that we don't need to know everything. For our part the problems are far more in the street, and when I witness things what am I supposed to do, turn a blind eye? I think Baddad you may be too conciliatory. I can see your point of view but there is a point when enough is enough because believe me other parents don't put up with much either. To give you an example, we have had children getting into our garden while we were away and breaking our drying umbrella, taking all our children's toys and scattering them all over the estate (a fairly posh estate), I could give you a whole list of similar things that have happened. This is due to the fact that in their words, my son is odd, so we harass the odd one. Charming.