Lyndalou

I haven't read this but 'Parenting Girls on the Autism Spectrum' by Eileen Riley-Hall has quite good reviews

Hi Soda Don't beat yourself up for doing what you think is best. Now that you know that your little girl has specific difficulties, over time you will find the best ways to support her and help improve on her skills. Girls with ASD can be quite different to boys with ASD but I don't know if you will have been told this. There has been a lot of discussion lately about girls and their specific problems. Those differences can often be interpreted as 'not so severe' but this is not always the case. Girls just cope differently and can be perceived differently by parents and teachers alike. The fact that your little girl is telling you about some of her problems is a VERY GOOD THING. Often children with ASD don't tell adults about the problems they are experiencing and the stress is manifested through behaviour. You are being given a window into her world when she tells you she is upset and this will be a very useful way to learn how to help her. There can be a lot of problems associated with girls having 'friends' - I put this in inverted commas because those friendships can be 'non typical'. If you haven't already, I would suggest you look at literature specific to girls as well as the general ASD information. Jessica Kingsley Publishers have various books and there are a plethora of articles online. Lynda

Soda Some of the behaviours that your little girl exhibits will be how she copes with the stress she experiences day to day. Some will lessen if the anxiety lessens but as you say, less 'typical' behaviours are simply part and parcel of having an ASD. Some perform a positive function, ie. they help calm the person and help them cope better and some are more destructive behaviours which need to be discouraged. If your little girl is doing well at school, that is great! Academically, my son is ahead of his peers in some things and it's likely he would be in a mainstream environment too. However, he does some very 'untypical' things like often writing right to left and his speech and understanding are impaired. Like all kids with ASD, he processes information and learns differently to 'typical' children so your little girl needs teachers to undertand this and help her with any difficulties related to learning differences. This would alleviate some of the stress for her. Give her lots of opportunity to unwind, have fun and do the things that make her happy. If she likes to spin, let her spin - I bought an office chair to spin my son. He loves to be tickled so he gets a good tickle. Lynda

Hi Soda It will take a while to get used to your daughter's diagnosis but getting answers to questions while she is young can only be a good thing in my opinion. My own son's diagnosis was made just prior to his 3rd birthday and it meant that he was able to attend a Special Needs nursery who had expertise in working with children with ASD. He is now in Primary 1 at the same Special Needs school and has a very understanding teacher and a nurturing and supportive environment to learn in. For us, the diagnosis is a good thing because his sensory difficulties, his processing difficulties and his fears are understood by the school and we have been able to support him in these things at home and understand why he acts in certain ways. I was very upset when my son was diagnosed. I was thinking in worst case scenarios and thought that this meant that my child would not achieve anything or have any friends. However, my little boy has proved to be talented, funny and affectionate and my perspective has shifted and I see much more of the positive than the negative with regards to how his future will be. He has friends and they may not interact like 'typical' children together but they enjoy each other's company and are happy together. What can be difficult is when my son 'plays' with other children as I would argue that 'typical' children need to be guided in how to interact with our kids as much as our kids need to learn to interact with the 'normal' people of the world. It can be very hard to watch how other children are with my son and sometimes adults too. Try to focus on loving, supporting and teaching your little girl. Learn all you can and get all the support you can. Especially at the start, it's not easy but it will get easier the more you understand. Lynda

Wouldn't all the other accompanying symptoms present in ASD like sensory problems, obsessions, speech difficulties/anomalies, need for routine and repetitive behaviours differentiate between the two?

To me, it sounds like your husband has been given a get-out-of-jail-free card and is playing it for all it's worth, sorry to say. That's really unfortunate and I feel for you! I think, like you say that the main consideration here is your son. He obviously is an intelligent boy but he is at a crucial age in his development and I think you are right to be concerned that he is unable to build on his social skills if he is gaming all the time. Why does your husband not feel this is important? Is there any way that a compromise could be reached? Are there any computer-related or technology clubs that your son could attend so that he could do what he enjoys but also meet other people and develop his social skills at the same time? I don't think that your son being in his room all the time is a healthy thing. I have to admit that I spent a fair lot of time in my own room when I was that age on my own and 'alone time' is very important but it can go over into 'too much alone time'. Your son needs to learn to engage in different situations with different people in the 'real' world in. School is one learning platform, outside of school is an entirely different thing. I think it's very important to learn as much as possible in the teenage years and equips teenagers with ASD with the skills necessary to live as full an adult life as possible. Good Luck

The Cygnet course is a good introduction to ASD . I should have mentioned sensory issues in the previous post. These could also have a cumulative effect during the day if he has sensitivities to noise for instance. A busy school is going to press all his buttons. The mainstream school that my son would have been placed within was an open plan one and would have been a nightmare for him as there was just a constant 'buzz' of talking and the high ceilings meant that the noise was amplified. It might be worth going to your son's school and walking through, taking note of the noise levels and other sensory 'triggers' that might be affecting your son.

My son's teacher said to me the other day that he always puts in 110% at school (her words). He is definitely very tired now at home with the end of term and Christmas round the corner and definitely acting up more but his outbursts are normally quite short-lived and usually translate into being frustrated by something 'not working' or by being interrupted or touched. Before things escalate (where he is more likely to knock his sister over or scream/shout) he will be offered the opportunity to go to his room to have some time on his own. His room has nothing but his books in it, nothing electronic and I keep it completely tidy at all times so the stimulation is minimal. Normally, he chooses to hide under the covers for a while or he looks out the window which looks out onto trees. Then he is able to calm down and carry on. Kids with ASD are perfectly capable of manipulation and playing parents off against each other whatever many people say on the subject but at this age frustration and mental fatigue are more likely the cause of the aggessive behaviour. He needs to know from NOW that violence is NOT acceptable. There may be a reason for it but there also should be a way of descalating or dealing with it too. His anger may actually be more focused on himself but you get in the way and catch the flak but he may actually be using aggression against you simply because he knows that ultimately you might back down if he pushes it far enough. It may also be the ultimate 'leave me alone!' and that too needs to be respected.

Do you have a Carer's Centre anywhere near you? They may have an advisor to help. The honest truth is that all these people have very limited time and it may be that they will advise but not help you fill all of it in. What you could do is photocopy the form (I know it is very big but this can be helpful) and then you can fill it in/tippex/rub out until you are happy with what you have written. The boxes are quite small for what you might have to say so it pays to even see how big/small your writing should be. It's best to think in 'worst case scenario' terms or focus on the more difficult days when you think about what to write. I phoned the DLA people and when my form was sent out it was backdated to the date of my call and gave a date it needed to be sent back to them by. I then looked at a section a day so I could think about only that part and not be distracted by the others, eg. if I was looking at the dressing and undressing part I was looking at it as a completely different set of self-care skills to washing. Then, when you see an advisor they should be able to help you 'tweak' or change as necessary. Once it is all filled in, as Sa Skimrande says you NEED to keep a copy for you to refer to and to help when you approach other professionals or fill the form in again in the future.

It's not going to hurt to have 'evidence' to show to any future professionals you have contact with! Again, it's not true that a Speech Therapist would not be able to assist if your son has a speech disorder. He would need to be assessed for this in order for the Speech Therapist to tailor therapy to his needs but it is still very much part of the help your son might require.

I really think your HV is giving very flawed advice. I flagged up the problems with my son's speech before he turned 2 and was offered an assessment shortly afterwards by the Paediatritian (which I initially turned down). I chose instead for him to be seen by a Speech Therapist with contact with the Child Development Team. His assessment was about 6 weeks before his 3rd birthday. I strongly suggest that you see if you can speak to someone else but as I said before (bearing in mind that a lot of development can take place between 2 - 3 yrs old) as long as you stimulate him he will learn during this period. If you feel that makaton is helpful then do it. Being able to communicate will greatly relieve frustration. I would personally use language too as he quite clearly has speech that can be built on. If you think that the makaton is being detrimental to his understanding in time then you may have to rethink but it's really your call. For a short while we used the PECS system with my son to reinforce the spoken language and to help him understand the structure of his day.

As Smiley says, early diagnosis is really best in order to get the support that you and your son needs. However, there is a lot that you can do as his mum prior to diagnosis. Keep right on speaking to him, reading to him, showing him things and pushing for help from professionals. Your little boy has the capacity to learn and just because you don't see progress necessarily, that doesn't mean that progress isn't being made. Bear in mind that your little boy might have a harder time understanding instruction or spoken language in general so you might have to start using short and very clear sentences. This will probably help in terms of 'communication' which is not all about speech.

TBH, it sounds like your HV has very limited knowledge about children with ASD can present. What you are describing does sound a lot like echolalia which is when the child 'parrots' back what you say and also phrases from TV and other sources. My son spoke the entire introduction to his segment of the school play he was in 2 days ago. He was amazing, word for word and correct inflection and everything but it was an exact COPY of what he'd heard in rehearsal (his teacher was meant to do it). This may LOOK like his speech is nothing to worry about but at home if he wants something he still says 'Do YOU want a drink' instead of 'I would like a drink'. Children with ASD can appear like they are using spontaneous speech (when they are a bit older) just by virtue of the fact that they have so many 'pieces' of information to call on to use but it can still be echolalia! Even if your HV does not refer for assessment meantime you should be getting offered Speech Therapy and this professional can give proper comment o whether his speech is developing normally or not.

Hiya Is there another Health Visitor in your practice or only the one. My HV referred my son to the Paediatrician but I could speak to other members on the Child Development Team prior to my son's assessment too so you could possibly seek a 'second opinion'. The fact is that you and the child worker both have concerns and I presume that the child worker sees your wee boy more often than your HV? That's normally the way... If you can't speak to your HV about this could the child worker? Has she given reasons to you as to why she feels a referral isn't necessary? A 'I don't think he requires referral' is not good enough. She should be happy that your child's development is no cause for concern and that he is meeting his 'milestones' within acceptable times. Those times really vary as some kids just naturally don't crawl, walk or speak as quickly as other children do. However, with something like speech development, normally children develop in a 'typical' way. I can really see the difference between how my daughter is learning to talk and how my son was at the same age (he has a quite pronounced speech disorder) so your HV should be looking at things like this. Things like not 'referencing back' to mum or to other people who speak to the child might be an indicator that your wee boy is not developing 'typically'. What this is could include not looking at you when he wants something or gives you something. My son at your son's age would 'lead' me to things he wanted instead of pointing at them. Some common indicators are lining up objects (my son also balanced objects), 'watching' parts of toys like spinning wheels and lack of 'imaginative' play. For example, my daughter at 22 months old 'pretended' to make a cup of tea and gave it to me to drink and toasted me some toy toast to eat. She accompanied the pretend eating with 'Mmmmm' noises. My son never did this then and now that he does he does he follows a similar 'pretend' sequence of boiling an egg or putting a cake in the oven each time (and variations on a theme). He says 'Mmmm' primarily because he has copied his sister. Keep at it. It's hard so get as much support as you can. If you can get someone to accompany you next time you go to see the HV then this might be helpful. Lynda

Hi ash and welcome Don't have much time to write just now but just in response to your 2nd question. I think it is important to try to find a way for your little boy to communicate with you. It's important too to give him a way to vent his frustration but the cause of the frustration also needs addressed. At the same age, I had no idea what my little boy understood and was very frustrated myself as I felt there was a gulf I couldn't bridge. For us though, I found that music was an excellent way to communicate. My little boy was always humming and loved rythmn - his face lit up when we sung 'The Wheels on the Bus' and 'If you're happy and you know it'. So, I sung 'If you're happy and you know it....all the usual stuff.....then I added in 'Turn around, touch your nose, jump up high, touch your belly, tap your knee and on it went....'. It was a great way to connect and actually gave him an outlet to have fun and exercise too....I let him jump up and down on the bed at the time which was like a trampoline. This might not work for you. You need to find your own way to 'connect' with your little boy. It will likely be related to the things he is interested in but needs to be something that he would be happy for you to participate in too because there are things that he may actually become more upset about if you 'intrude' on. Good Luck

Thanks Justine I would reckon that finger movements are some kind of 'stim'. I quite often do 'twiddly' movements like playing the piano and as my fingers bend backwards I used to love freaking out my brother and sister by doing this

Warrior, I respect you have your faith and you are right, everyone is entitled to what they believe and the things that give them solace. Unfortunately, my own faith which I was very committed to came part and parcel with all the people who have likely caused me the most sustained period of distress in my life and most like led to PTSD or at least a similar manifestation of trauma. Although leaving the church was equally as painful as being in it, it was the right thing for me to do. Much like I truly believed in Santa for a short (and lovely) time in childhood, I also for a short time also truly believed in people. I have never been able to do that since but I do still believe God is there but I no longer have the 'right' to reap the rewards of for instance, prayer if I do not believe in the construct of church. In the Bible, the people within the church ARE the church. I went to a church run 'fun' day my parent's church was running quite recently. I cannot explain how being around those people made me feel and it was probably quite irrational but I won't be doing it again in a hurry. However, this is MY problem and mine alone. I can feel quite guilty that I am not providing my son with the 'moral compass' that I myself was brought up with but all I can do is try to instill in him the 'moral code' I have constructed from every experience in my life to date.

Instead of the word 'stim', I now replace it with 'soothing behaviours' since I read that description written by an adult on the spectrum. i think it also then makes it clear what 'stimming' is all about. So in essence, in order to soothe or calm yourself you do something that is able to achieve this. People in general do all sorts of things to calm themselves when they feel anxious or bored; pen tapping, 'ssteepling' the hands or twirling hair. My thoughts are that people on the spectrum simply do these things more frequently and often more noticeably. I think soothing behaviours can change a lot although a person may keep returning to something that keeps them calm the best. I bite the inside of my mouth and have done this since childhood and as a child I sucked and twirled my hair and bit my nails. I twirled, jumped and swung a lot. These days I'm much more likely to 'ping' my fingernails, crack my knuckles and when I'm sitting I jiggle one leg. I found myself while reading my son's bedtime story to him last night, lying on my stomach kind of not really knowing what to do with my legs so I read the story jiggling my legs up and down the whole time!

Certainly the descriptions I read of Adam Lanza in the British press yesterday were very telling....'Weird, loner geek who sinisterly could feel no pain'. It actually hurt reading that. There can be no excuse for what this young man did but to either not even be remembered by your peers or described in this way says it all. He wanted to be remembered and now he will be...for all the wrong reasons. It was also interesting that the same paper chose to show him in a photograth of the schools Tech club in order to demonstrate how weird he was.

That's all.

Having read the Early Writers criteria it is very strange for me. I always got a sore hand while writing as a child and I was very hunched. I frequently had to shake my arm to get rid of cramps. Looking at my old workbooks it is very clear that my writing always went downhill towards the right and my discovery that I could write straight with the aid of a ruler coincided with a fad at the school for using rulers for this purpose. I mostly had a tiny gap between words and my writing style often changed - in one workbook 3 pieces of work on 2 pages were written in completely different sizes and styles. However, I also loved drawing and drew quite precise and detailed pictures and went on to go to Art College so don't think dysgraphia is one of my 'things'. I do think I do have issues related to dyspraxia though....

Well, in the last few weeks it's become clear that my son has started to read sentences and without having seen them before! We went along to the shop earlier and my son stopped me, pointed at a sign close to the door and read 'Thank you - see you again soon!' and I was quite taken aback. He also spent some of this morning drawing animals and writing the name of the animal alongside with his dad supervising him - he really loved doing this and he saw it as a bit of a game. Can't help but be very proud of my little man

In answer to Smiley's question, I would say 'No' as Santa is a fictional character who was actually not invented in his present sense until Coca Cola used him in their advertising campaigns to front their product. They chose red as the colour of his suit as their packaging was red. The only 'magic' generated by Santa is by parents creating it for their children. If you are talking a 'higher power' that can hear your inner thoughts, then that is in a different ball park altogether. Some people believe this is God and some believe that there is a higher power which binds everyone and everything together. Some people believe there is nothing at all out there. I grew up as a born again Christian and I don't think anyone would have been more committed than me to my faith. However, after being constantly bullied, ostracised and betrayed by my Christian peers throughout my teens and having it announced when I was 16 that my problem was that I was 'possessed' by the Spirit of Hysteria, watched my pastor build a nice fancy house from the proceeds of the congregation's tithes (10% of all income to the church), watched as my parent's marriage almost disintegrated with the stress of being told continuously to 'confess' to their sins (mostly my dad refusing to acknowledge that he should not question the other leaders - he had been one but was relieved of his position), watching other people getting away with doing things other people were reprimanded for and being prayed for for being angry about all these things when I should have accepted it I gave up my faith at 22. My parents almost disowned me and I knew at the time I was destined for Hell for my decision for years. I have never fully lost faith in God but I lost all faith in other people, especially Christians. I still have problems going into a church although I don't shake and sweat like I used to from sheer anxiety.

You're right! That's so true and it is very funny when a little boy says them too! Especially when my little man in Scottish but speaks with an English accent . I also enjoy photography....

I agree - Gordon is a scary engine!! Was it the 'mummy puffed' bit that made you laugh Warrior? It always made me laugh too I must say! Also, I had Tigger bed covers and was obsessed with my pillow that had Tigger bouncing on it...I loved Tigger's bounce!