Bagpuss Report post Posted September 19, 2006 Our kiddies regularly have their birthdays "forgotton" by some relatives, also xmas sometimes .....wondered if anyone finds the same within their family? Sometimes two will get a card/money/pressie for their birthday and the other one won't....which really upsets me (their birthdays are all close together). Usually we tend to overlook it and continue to send cards/pressies/money to those who have not bothered and their children, but I'm really beginning to wonder if I should treat peeps as they treat us .....DH thinks that is being unfair on their children, and in the past I've agreed, but getting sooo fed up with it .....does anyone else experience this and how do you deal with it? DH and I don't care if they remember our birthdays (rather they did forget actually ) and we don't get upset if they have genuinely forgotton the kiddies and they send a belated card, that can't be helped, I've done it myself, but I find it so hard not to feel hurt when nothing arrives for them...at all..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 19, 2006 Hi bagpuss - as someone who's terrible for remembering Birthdays, I can only say HINT!!! Really, if one of my nieces or nephews has a birthday coming up, someone in the family will give me the nod (usually at least three or four times over the preceeding week, in case i forget again) , and they know i'd be absolutely gutted if they didn't... Yep, i know, i know - I could keep a list and write them all on the calendar each year and...... Oh Puleeze! if I had enough braincells to remember to do that I'd probably remember them without the bl**dy calendar!! Seriously, hen - give them a bell and say 'just a reminder it's -------- birthday on Wednesday' or whatever. i'm sure they'd appreciate it.... On a similar subject - I haven't given xmas cards for the past four years... I buy them. I write them, but then on xmas eve I'll see the box sitting there and think b****r!! No if only everyone would stop remembering to send me them i wouldn't need to feel guilty! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted September 19, 2006 It drove me up the wall that my adult nephew and his wife never sent a 'thank you' for the pressies I sent for their little girl. I moaned a lot to my SIL (his sister) and my MIL (his gran), but still nothing...so then I just didn't send anything for her birthday...and come Christmas, when I did send a pressie, we did get a 'thank you'!! I had toyed with the idea of including a pack of 'thank you' notelets in with her pressie (but wimped out )...or in your case, you could give one of the parents a Birthday Book for their pressie, with your kids' birthdays already entered!! Grrrr!!!!!! Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted September 19, 2006 (edited) Bagpus you just pushed my most sensitive button. My SIL stopped sending cards and gifts to our son 3 years ago now although she still sends them and gifts to his sister, who is not my daughter. This is a HUGE bone of contention in our house and something that really upsets me although hubby thinks that I am over reacting SIL lives about 150 miles from us and has only seen Matthew once and hubby thinks that that makes it OK to ignore his Birthday and Christmas. It really hurts me when come Christmas Day his daughter is showing off her wonderful gifts from Aunty while Matthew has nothing . Hubby does get a card at Christmas but none of us are ever included on the card it?s just made out to him. Have I upset SIL? Well I too have only seen her once at Matthew?s Christening when I arranged for her and her husband to come as a surprise for hubby. Maybe I am just being over sensitive but it still makes me Oracle Edited September 19, 2006 by oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mbrown Report post Posted September 20, 2006 . Hubby does get a card at Christmas but none of us are ever included on the card it?s just made out to him. Oracle Oracle, I'm not surprised that you are upset. I think to miss out you and th ekids on a Christmas card is THE height if ignorance, Seeing that you don't have to see your SIL on a daily, or even annual basis, I would drop her a line asking her not to send your dughter a present if she isn't sending your son one. I would also ask her not to bother sending a card at xmas either unles it is fo rthe whole family. Your husband should back you up. What have you got to lose in th eway of a relationship with your SIL? Nothing. Mike Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted September 20, 2006 (edited) Oooh, now you've got me started! My ex-SIL sends my son (her nephew) cards using his old surname, despite the fact that he asked to change to the family surname about 11 years ago (all done properly by Change of Name Deed)!! Boho Edited September 20, 2006 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted September 20, 2006 (edited) Some people can be sooooo ignorant and nasty gosh........ Sending you all lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> <'> and one word of advice, 'Get over them' they are not thinking about you, so why would you waste your time thinking about them. Problem solved. Be happy. Lifes too short. There are lots of lovely people out there, as the saying goes 'you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family' <'> <'> Fxx Edited September 20, 2006 by Frangipani Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted September 20, 2006 Thankyou all for your lovely replies <'> <'> So its not just us then.... I think this has come to a head now because it was our dd's birthday a few weeks back and it was the same ole story...who will send a card and who won't......two particular people didn't...and it hurt ...alot One of them knew it was our dd's birthday because their child was born very close to our dd, so impossible for them to forget...and the other close rellie spoke to my mum after our dd's birthday, saying she apparantly got the date wrong and was reminded by my mum of actual date (which had passed) and still didn't bother to send anything I've really reached the end of my tether and I'm so tired of making allowances. Last year one rellie sent one of our dd's a card and money for their birthday and didn't bother with our other dd and our ds, whose birthdays were a matter of weeks either side. This happens quite often. Its so unfair...I'd rather they just didn't bother at all. Last Xmas we received nothing from my SIL...not even a card, and when DH rang her to check she'd received what we'd sent she said yes, and she had our card and our kiddies pressies but not managed to get down post office They arrived mid January TBH this is just the tip of the iceberg.....we tend to make all the effort with ringing, visiting and remembering birthdays....and I suppose I've reached a point of wondering whats the point and is it childish, immature or petty to treat them the same as they treat us......because thats what I feel like doing and DH feels this is wrong Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lynyona Report post Posted September 20, 2006 My younger brother never sends birthday cards to anyone,the year before last nobody got xmas cards not even my mum,my sil said she d been to busy to write them.Now last year was the pits my niece went to my mums with her mum and dad and they sat there and watched my niece give my mum cards for all the family from her (niece that is) and mum said they didnt batter an eye lid or say i ll pop ours in later.needless to say none of us got any from them.We stopped by presents for brothers sister nephew and nieces a good few years back on family agreement.My brother re married and i still send cards to my ex sil and my nephews birthday xmas.my elder brother can be a bit lacking usually ds 2 they forget.Come off it he was born xmas day.no excuse id say.Id stop sending theirs out of principle but that makes me as bad as them cant be bothered,and im sure they dont feel guilty about it one little bit. lynn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted September 20, 2006 its tricky cos i would be very tempted to not send them anything but then i would feel like i was taking it out on their kids and feel guilty but wheres the guilt where our kids are concerned? to be honest i think i would send the lot o0f them nothing,seeing as it happens a lot,yeah i know people forget birthdays but you know whose genuinly forgotten and who cant be bothered. i agree with baddad(just this once though!!!)i phone my sister to remind her of birthdays as i know she would be horrified if she missed them but others i wouldnt phone as i know they cant be bothered,save yourself some money and dont send any,people like that aint worth any effort,if they comment on it just say oh sorry i didnt realise you did birthday cards and presents Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted September 20, 2006 (edited) Frangipani you are right and I know you are but here it is only September and I am alrady working myself up about the festive season. It's not really the SIL anymore that makes me feel it's the fact that hubby does not care. I can't write and say don't send gifts to Terry's daughter - she is my stepdaughter so it's none my business. But it is her dads and he just does not understand why it upsets me so much. Also his daughter is now an adult herself 22 actually do I don't really think that there is anything that anyone can say or do. But he could tell her to stick her card and also that he was just a tad upset that his son is not good enough to be included into the fold. Were it me then sister or not she would be history. He even sends her a card in return My MIL who is now 84 includes all of us and always has. She even still sends a gift and an Easter Egg for David and he is 19 now But SIL and Stepdaughter just leave our names off. Infact looking At Bid's posts my card is always made out in my old name I often wonder how hubby would like it if my family excluded him on all of the cards? Oracle Edited September 20, 2006 by oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted September 20, 2006 Oracle, I can understand your anger and frustration. My sister remarried many years ago. The fella she married had children, like herself, and to me they became my neices and nephews and were treated no differently to my "blood" neices and nephews.....and I know my mum treated them as grandchildren too.....it did not matter one jot that they had joined our family via marriage. I couldn't imagine treating them any differently, just because they hadn't actually been born to my sister......families are complicated enough these days. Maybe your dh doesn't want to rock the boat and feels by sending cards back he is keeping the peace. I know my dh and I feel very differently about what is going on with our children re birthdays/xmas etc. It would be very tricky for you to intervene and speak your mind and if anything is said, it must come from your dh. To not have his full support , on an issue you feel strongly about, must be hard, especially when its your child which is being affected, not so easy to brush off <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted September 20, 2006 Thanks Hev and Lynyona <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted September 20, 2006 Frangipani you are right and I know you are but here it is only September and I am alrady working myself up about the festive season. It's not really the SIL anymore that makes me feel it's the fact that hubby does not care. Oracle Hi Oracle, <'> <'> sorry if I sounded a bit gruff in saying 'get over them' if you look at my original post, I edited it out. Where that came from was my own brother and sister are even more harsh than your sister in law. I virtually cut them out of my life as they are so far up themselves that they cant see daylight. So egocentric. It makes my blood boil when people are so spiteful like in the case of your in-laws. I wouldnt say that your husband doesnt care. Possibly, he is embarrassed at the way they behave and powerless to do anything about it. If my SIL treated my family like that, I would be putting pen to paper and politely putting this cow in her place, but, that would only make matters worse, she sounds like my ex husband QUOTE 'Never wrestle with a pig, pigs like to play dirty. Perhaps that sums up what you are dealing with too <'> <'> I guess I learned to turn my back on them and life has been so much more pleasant and peaceful. Sorry I dont have any real answers in your case. I could understand how hurt you are, as my own family are a very unique lot so to speak. if you know what I mean. <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted September 20, 2006 i think it must be so alful for you i would be really annoyed if family done that to me. i think i would just stop sending them stuff why should you they obviously have no consideration towards your kids so why should you for them. I oftern get sick of being the one who has to ring my dad all the time so i leave it and eventually he realises he hasnt spoke to me in months and rings so maybe they will then realise if you stop sending them stuff. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted September 20, 2006 Thanks Brooke <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted September 20, 2006 (edited) Sorry for hijacking this thread Bagpus <'> It just touched a very raw nerve. My commons sense says ignore it but the mother in me says how can an aunt treat a brother and sister so differently, and why does it not matter to their father that she does It would not be so bad but every time my Stepdaughter is in my house we have to listen to the many virtues of her Aunty. Aunty gave me this and Aunty gave me that and I just do not want her mentioned in my house I really have to bite my lip but it's getting harder to do. My own Aunts are all in their 80's and they never discriminate between the lads. What one had the other gets it's as simple as that. I guess maybe I actually need counseling on this to get it out of my system once and for all because I just can?t let it go and it's making my hubby quite angry. Oracle Edited September 20, 2006 by oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted September 20, 2006 (edited) Sorry Bagpuss also, for hijacking your thread, but, as you can see, you are not alone hun <'> <'> perhaps with our sharing of experiences you may not feel alone. In hindsight, if all was just busy life and forgetfulness I agree with Baddads suggestion totally. I guess you know the answer here. Sorry for hijacking this thread Bagpus <'> It just touched a very raw nerve. My commons sense says ignore it but the mother in me says how can an aunt treat a brother and sister so differently, and why does it not matter to their father that she does It would not be so bad but every time my Stepdaughter is in my house we have to listen to the many virtues of her Aunty. Aunty gave me this and Aunty gave me that and I just do not want her mentioned in my house I really have to bite my lip but it's getting harder to do. My own Aunts are all in their 80's and they never discriminate between the lads. What one had the other gets it's as simple as that. I guess maybe I actually need counseling on this to get it out of my system once and for all because I just can?t let it go and it's making my hubby quite angry. Oracle Oracle, <'> hun don't feel bad, some posts do this, I must say counselling and a lot of it was what I did to come to the conclusion that my sister was vindictive and jealous of me and behaved like your sister in law to punish me as my sister has a chip on her shoulder because she had a huge weight problem all her life, and I just happened to have normal body weight. Her poison was soul destroying. Hope this gives any of you strength that counselling helped me heal and grow, plus finding people and hobbies to replace these people. God Bless. <'> Fxx Edited September 20, 2006 by Frangipani Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted September 20, 2006 Oracle & Fran, I certainly don't feel that either of you have hijacked this thread, everything you have shared is helpful and I appreciate it <'> Take care Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
