will someone help me

[pingu]

Hi Guys.

Things have been going downhill here for a while, and although ive wanted to post for a while, ive not had the energy. i maybe should have posted this in the education section but as its a general rant to get things off my chest i thought i would put it here.

I dont even know where to begin. But thing is. there are lots of things that are making our lifes hell - school been one of them. At a recent parents evenning the teacher told me that kieran was settling in well (he has been put at a desk alone, at the back of the classroom) and that he could now write his name (he is nearly 8) . Anyway problem is, that he is blowing up when he gets home, and i know that its because he is getting nothing that he has been promised. Like the 30 minutes "time out" before the end of a school day, etc. So anyway Tuesday is PPA time, where the TA support takes all the class whilst the teachers are in a meeting. Tonight i was 3 minutes late picking him up and when i got there he was not at the door. I frantically searched and found him in the playground without his pack up/coat and bookbag, looking like a lost sheep. I went in to the school to find out who had let him out without me been there and i couldnt find anyone.

 

So i brought him home and have simmered on it since, now i feel sick, cos its not the first trime its happened. I once went to pick him up and found him at the other side of the school, the teacher on this occasion said that he had gone to the toilet and thought he was still in there. (she let him go to the toilet at 3.45, it was 3.15 when i found him) and its on his record that he is a "roamer". Im sick to the back teeth of the school not taking this seriously.

Now i have the hubby hitting the roof and threatening to take him outta school. Dont get me wrong - he likes been there, but he is learning the minimun which seems to be satisfying them. He is full of bruises and wont say where hes got them, other children from his class say he shouts out all the time and gets into trouble, but the shouting out is almost a tourettes thing, but they say otherwise (he does this at home too)

 

I feel like im smashing my head against a brick wall as they say "hes fine - but silly" when i ask. I cant even write what i mean as im so confused as where to start. Things are horrible here - he doesnt communicate with us at home, he lives and breathes the simpsons and nothing else matters to him. we have had an awful weekend of screaming tantrums, and klashing out, and he never used to be like this. THe headmaster is a pillok and wont statment him and the teachers are too scraed to say whats really going on. no one backs us up in the meetings, and the last meeting we had none of "our team" could be there and we got shot down in flames and was asked if we wanted them to "cure" him".

 

 

I feel like cracking up and at the moment i cant seem to string a valid sentance together as my worries sound so feeble.

 

Hubby said he is going in to school tomorrow and i have to phone the psychologist, but i dont have any strength left to fight. i know if i make that call it will all start all over again. We are already branded difficult parents because we dare to fight for the cause.

I hate the ###### system and its killing me slowly knowing that at school he will tolerate been kicked and punched and getting lost, but if i dont make the call maybe next time i wont find him.

 

Sorry to rant. but im on a real downer and cant find the light at the end of the tunnel.

help.

 

x

[dooday24]

PINGU SENDING YOU LOTS OF THESE <'> <'> <'> <'> the system stinks i know where you r coming from wen you say you are exhausted from fighting i feel the same way but we as parents have to keep fighting 4 our kids cos noone else will hope you get somewhere tomorow goodluck luv donna

[loupin]

<'> <'>

How horrid for you and youre husband. Keep going keep fighting remember you are in the right and you know youre son better than any one and you know what he needs!!

Take a deep breath get on the rollercoaster again knowing that you know how to drive it!!!

Really thinking of you and sending you lots of positive energy! <'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

<'> <'>

 

Thinking of you and hope tomorrow goes ok for you all. <'>

[Tilly]

Pingu, so sorry that you are having such a rotten time at present. When things got too bad at my dd school and I felt that I had no more fight in me, I found it beneficial to get someone else on my side. Have you tried your Parent Partnership, SENCO, SW. I'd let them know how bad you are feeling. I think we sometimes put on a cheery face and people think we're coping when in fact we are screaming inside

 

I found that the Carers Centre gave me the most support and headed me into the right direction and let me know what mine and my dd rights were.

 

Take Care (((((((((hugs))))))))

 

Tilly

[Bullet]

<'> <'> Pingu <'> <'>

[lollypocket]

Pingu I agree that you need to get someone else on your side. It is so ###### tiring fighting non-stop. You have to keep on doing it, but you don't have to be alone. PP are sometimes good.

 

I assume you have applied for Statutory Assessment yourself already? I am in the process of trying to get the ball rolling on a school based application, after our personal application was turned down in the summer. I think it is very hard to not appear difficult as a parent in this situation. I feel I am guilty of letting too much go by before taking a stand on stuff, but everyone tells me to pick my battles. You sound like I did about a month ago - when I was ready to get in the car after two bottles of wine and drive off Please keep plugging at it for your son's sake. I don't know enough about the whole story to really pass comment, but you sound like you are desperate to do the best for your son, and you are being confronted by some very ignorant people. Your worries are not feeble - they are just individual to you and your son and as such you may think they appear less valid to others. I am not sure I have made a great deal of sense either, but the general meaning of my post is DON'T GIVE UP!!

 

KW

[oxgirl]

So sorry Pingu that things are so awful for you at the mo, you're bound to feel a complete wreck, who wouldn't!

If I were you I'd keep your lad off school for a few days and let your hubby go in there and raise merry hell with them. He sounds furious, and quite rightly so, and maybe if he has a rant at them then it might make them sit up and listen.

How would you feel about taking him out of school? Do you think it could be any worse than it is now? It's a very hard decision, do you struggle on and hope that things improve or take the plunge and either look for another school or decide that you can do better yourself.

I really wish you all the best and hope that your hubby can sort this out and that you can get the support and rest that you need to regain your mental and emotional strength. <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

Pingu <'> <'> <'>

 

 

Hope things look a bit better today . The system really stinks and we have to keep up the fight for our children. Try to get support from an AS group (we have one from the NAS here ). PP didn't work for me but they may be better in your area. Schools don't do much unless the child has a statement, so I'd say go for it! Things get more difficult for our children in secondary school, so it's better if they start year 7 with a statement. At the age of 11 my son also lost his bag and coat, and he could not walk alone on the street, but we didn't get any help from the school.

 

Good luck!

 

Curra

[pingu]

Hi Everyone.

 

Thankyou for your kind words and advice. We didnt get much sleep last night, so still feeling drained this morning. Hubby went into school this morning, and couldnt find the class teacher so went straight to the reception to have a word. As soon as he asked if he could have a word there initial response was "as long as you're not going to be abusive" !!! For gods sake, we are the most laid back parents on this damn estate. They have that opinion of us because i "dared" to ring them on the 4th sept, (the day before school returned after the holidays) and lost the plot over their incompetence from not having a TA arranged. From that we have a label of "Abusive parents". So anyway. He explained what happened yesterday and they said they would have a word with the head teacher (who isnt in school today) As he was leaving my hubby heard the following comment "oh god thats all we need" !! Right caring place that is (NOT)

 

I have arranged an appointment with the psychologist for the 6th Dec, which is the earliest time we can see her, and am awaiting a call back from the parent partnership people, as well as the autism inclusion worker. But to be honest guys i dont hold out much hope.

 

I feel like im trapped in a ball of wool and dont know which thread to pull on to get out. I am going to look at statuary assessment just now, and would really appriciate your help with that if you could spare the time. I know it has been covered here before so i will trawl the site for where to start, but if anyone has advice id really like to hear it.

You are all great. i really appriciate that there are other people out there going through the same thing, and in Paulas (onecrazygal) case worse. Ill continue to fight the cause because i have to. Thankyou all for helping.

 

Take care.

shaz x

Edited November 22, 2006 by pingu

[Tally]

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I don't think your worries sound feeble at all. In fact, I think you have some genuine, serious concerns about your son's education, and mostly his safety in that school.

 

Maybe taking him out of school, at least temporarily, might be something worth looking into.

[pingu]

Thank you tally.

Yes i agree, but the thing is he enjoys the routine of school, and puts up with the bullying and evrything because for as much as he hates people in one sense, he is a people person in the other. (does that make sense)? So im not sure he would appriciate me making him stay home, he lives for breaktime because he can buy a cookie, and likes to play with 2 boys in his class (who tolerate him for there own needs) but this to him is the important bit of school which i couldnt give him at home. He hates the work and doesnt reckon much to anything else, but these few points make him like school,

 

I feel like im in a catch 22 situation. Wanting to pull him for his own safety and my sanity, but wanting him to stay there for his enjoyment - if not his learning.

 

does that make sense? (im a messed up bunny today)

 

x

[elun1]

Hi I'm quite new on here but I really really felt for you when I read your post. I was just wondering if you've asked for a Statutory Assessment before and if so whou you asked to carry it out? Sorry if you've done that already but just wanted to add it isn't up to the Head if your son has an asessment. It is your right to ask and his opinion doesn't come in to that. How we did it was I wrote to the S.E.N Manager at the LEA (you may need to ring to con firm where to send letter) and he explained the whole procedure to me. If they make a decision not to assess they HAVE to tell you why and you have a right to appeal against this. You need someone to really support you through this process. Have you rung the NAS? They have Education advisors and they are vv good - sometimes you have to wait for a callback but it's worth it. Also IPSEA are vv good- sorry if you know all this already. It's v difficult when you feel that school are not on your side - you need to remain as calm and non-emotional with them as you can (I know that's vv hard) and write a letter which states facts e.g. my son's safety is being compromised. ...My sons needs are not being met... We are taking advice from the NAS... we would value a meeting with the SENCO, Head AND Governor for SEN... We seek a written plan showing us and reassuring us that our child is safe in your care. ....

Try not to bring feelings and emotions in as they will be exploited.

Also forgot to ask is your son on School Action Plus?

Hope that helps a bit, take care

Elun <'> <'> <'>

[pumpkinpie]

Tring to help our kids without losing our sanity is hard isnt it/

 

A few things I would suggest

1 If school is counting you as awkward I would avoid face to face contact and deal with them in the written form so you can gather together evidence - to show school is incompetent

-not acting on its promisies

- failing to deliver its policies as per its statutory duty. This is an important one as it gives you credit as parents who are being failed by this school.

 

2. I would ask in writing the school for copies of its - behaviour policy(your son is being bullied what is the school supposed to be doing to protect sen children.

- special educational needs polcy - this should outlin the way school is supposed to behave and its duty as they see it to your son

- the schools assessment and equal opportunities policies - this will show you how they monitor and help kids achieve, does it take into account your chidlrens needs?

 

3. What stage is your son on - school action which is more about monitoring his needs and then school action plus which marks the intervention of outside agencies ie ed psych, salt autistic support team.

 

4. Have a look at his ieps, when are you seeing school about him and are the reviews regualr.

If you are going down the statutory assessment route you will need written evidence to support his needs. A big part of this will come from outside agencies and school must show his ieps and how they are addressing his needs within school( dont be surprised if he is suddenly doing incredibly well, as many schools seem to twist the truth.

 

I would recommend getting a copy of the sen toolkit from the dfes which will help you see your rights and guide you through this process.

 

Once you get all the information I would write to school detailing your concerns - saftey

- bullying

- lack of attainment

 

I would not go into school ever without prior warning as going into school otherwise will allow the head to twist things and make you out as the awkward ones.

Document everything, bruises being left so you can build up a case that the school is failing your son.

Like it or not you need to prove you are being extremely reasonabll find being very nice

Edited November 22, 2006 by pumpkinpie

[pumpkinpie]

Sorry it missed off this last bit

I find if I am having probelms at school being extremley nice works. They expect you to be angrey but by going into meetings and keeping calm and being prepared doesnt give them a leg to stand on as they want you to get cross so they can dismiss everythings as being down to you being an awkward parent whose childs problems are a result of poor parenting.

 

Dont give them that satisfaction

[jools]

sorry this is a quick reply, i'm on my lunch and due back at work!

 

1. ppa time or not your son has a right, and a need, to be supervissed until collected. if the teacher is not there then it is up to the ta to keep hold of him. is it written any where that he won't be allowed out of school until you arrive? if not i would ask that it is.

 

2. ensure that everything is written down. if you need to go into school then follow it up in writing. send in a letter following up on your hubbies visit this morning asking that the head replies to it in writing.

 

3. can you ask for statutory assessment to be done, bypassing the school? i know this isn't ideal because you want them on your side but if you feel you are getting no where it may be your only option.

 

4. do you have an autism outreach team you can access? they should be able to assess your son in school and give advice to teh staff.

 

i hope you can get this sorted ((((hugs))))

 

hope thsi makes sense. my brain is going faster than my fingers can type....lol

[smiley]

I'm sorry to hear you're all having a difficult time

 

If OFSTED learnt of him wandering around unsupervised ..... well, there would be fireworks. Just realized how that sounds! I'm not saying phone OFSTED!! Just that it is very, VERY serious to allow a child (especially SN children) to leave the classroom without a parent/guardian after school. I would put something in writing outlining your concerns.

 

Psychologist...? Sorry if you've said already, but is that the schools Educational Psychologist? or out of school? If possible, get someone (a professional) out of school to help.

 

I would most definitely find out exactly what (if any) support he is receiving - and if the help is appropriate for him - a TA's great, but it is a TA specifically to help him? Or just an extra body in the class??

 

I would start to build a 'case' for statutory assessment (sad that we parents have to....but we do ). Find out all you can (ask for everything in writing) about his attainment levels, the school policies, how much he has progressed, if anyone within the school had had any relevant training. Keep letters short and sweet, and polite.

 

We're all here to help <'> I know how mind-numbing and exhausting it can be....BUT, it's also a great feeling to know that you are doing something pro-active to help. Don't let the b*ggers get you down <'> .

 

IPSEA are also great - but can be difficult to get hold of.

 

Excellent advice PP

 

Feel free to PM me... <'> xx

[JsMum]

I have pmed you, but just replying here incase the pm doesnt get to you, but really wanted to say that what they have been doing to your son, and the way they have responded to your husband is really not a good sign in the way the school works.

 

The isolation alone for your son will be very emotionally damaging when the teacher decided to place him at the back of the classroom away from peers she is reinforcing the issue that your son cant be with others, its really a backward step, he wont learn in this way at all, when J was taught like this he withdrew and became dispondant, he was also rejected by his peers and he wasnt able to interact or laise with other children who where all in groups and working as a team, so J was at a real disadvantage and made his social skills even more difficult to make progress.

 

I had share this as it really isnt right what the school are doing.

 

 

JsMum

[cmuir]

Hi Pingu

 

I can totally sympathise. I run out of steam and feel completely done in every so often (actually fairly regularly now!). That is absolutely disgraceful about staff not being with your son, especially if he should be receiving support. When your worn down and worn out it's extremely hard to find muster up enough strength for the next battle ... but you will - because you have to! I'd ask for a meeting with the headteacher stating your concerns ie staff know about Kieron's difficulties, yet not noticing that he'd 'disappeared for 30 minutes' (especially if they think he's a roamer!!!). You've left your son in the school's care during school hours and they have a duty of care (a legal one!!!) to look after your son during school hours. I guess it's also worth asking why agreed strategies ie giving Kieron 30 minutes winding down time hasn't been implemented. Take the bull by the horns! It's difficult because parents like us who express an opinion and ask questions seem to be automatically unpopular because some education/health sector individuals want an easy life - they clock on at 9 and go home at 5 (we don't!). If you can't do it alone, ask a friend or partner to accompany you. I get nervous at these kind of meetings in case I get emotional. Thing is, I'm not embarassed about getting emotional - I'm human and love my son very much (and I can tell that you're the same with your son!).

 

Recharge your batteries and go for it!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[butterfingersbimbo]

sending you some kick ass vibes as cant give any better advice than has already been given! el disappeared a few times in school....it doesnt happen any more thank god!

[pumpkinpie]

Caroline

I know what you mean about being emotional and loving your child. We all cope in different ways, for me Being calm takes a huge amount of effort and is very draining. But if I didnt do it I couldnt get through.

I do go home though and have a good long cry!!!!

 

My Mum used to tell me "dont let the ###### grind you down" and thats what I do, dont give them the satisfaction of seeing that they got to me!