Help

[elun1]

I am just so down today that I had to try and write it down. Apologies in advance I'm in a really self pitying mood. I just cannot cope with ds2's autism anymore - he's only little, 5, but his tantrums have taken on a whole new meaning lately. This morning he punched me in the face - he's so so angry at the moment - I'm scared this isn't just a phase amd he'll end up in aresidential school as I won't be able to physically stop him. He will lash out at anyone in his way including his brother - I've read and read about how to help him but basically if things don't go his way he screams and screams and kicks and punches. My marriage is in tatters - we are just 2 carers who happen to live in the same house. I'm a teacher but I shouldn't be as much of my energy goes in to pretending everything is fine when I'm at work but inside I'm falling apart with stress. I'm only part time 3 /4 days so there's no excuse but work work and more work is piling up - I'm so scared they'll notice I can't cope. My head is full of autism, teaching and I find my friendships are suffering - people who I thought I could trust and were wonderful after his diagnosis have gone. 2 and a half years is a long time to be around for someone who is grieving - autism doesn't go away

Sorry for this post - I can understand why people can't go on living like this - It sucks. Better try and get some sleep I guess - my ds sleeps for around 5 hrs and then starts the day - he is severely autistic and incontinent - some speech tho - enoughh to shout no, no, no for hours!

Thanks for listening

[spectrumlady]

>Hang in there, have you thought about respite care for a few hours at least ?

 

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[phoebe]

o baby <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Dont know what to say. You poor thing. WELL done for writing it down - hopefully that gave you some release. You know there are many people on here who understand.

 

I wish I could think of something worthwhile to say, that doesn't sound crass, but ........................................I really just wanted you to have a virtual hug and to let you know that we are out here listening and are here to support each other in any way we can.

 

Love and hugs

Phoebe

[Kathryn]

Elun,

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

You're doing two amazingly demanding jobs: teaching and caring for a child with autism, both of which take up a lot of physical and emotional energy, and both would be hard work on their own. I don't know how you can manage on that much sleep!

 

Don't be hard on yourself, you're doing brilliantly. Any chance of reducing your hours, at least temporarily?

 

K x

[Bagpuss]

Elun <'> <'> <'>

 

Please know you are not alone. We too feel somewhat deserted and I spent many years perfecting "I'm fine". I became a dab hand at pretending. Found it harder to actually admit I wasn't, and only did so thanks to the wonderful advice and support of the members of this forum. Being a teacher must be a stressful job in itself, without a home life which is doubly so. Have you considered going to your GP and being open and honest about how you are feeling? I found the Social Services really helpful, although I do understand that some people havn't had a positive experience, but may be worth looking into. Do you have any local support groups? We've recently joined two, which have turned out to be fantastic. Have you thought about contacting a carers organisation.....think there is one called Carers Together? Please take care of yourself <'> <'> <'>

[elun1]

Thankyou so much four replies- I just can't stop crying - I don't know what's happened to me today

Thankyou for replying

[stressedmumto2]

Sorry to hear you are feeling down today.

 

It sounds like you have an awfull lot to cope with and I do not know how I would manage in your situation, tbh, I don't think I could.

 

I think you should go to your gp's talk to them about things, if you don't feel you can talk to them just yet then keep posting here, sometimes I just write an e-mail and don't send it but it feels somuch better getting it out.

 

Try and join a support group if you can and try and see if you can get some respite from social services.

 

Take care of yourself, sending you a virtual hug <'> <'> <'>

[Cat]

I just can't stop crying - I don't know what's happened to me today

 

Life bit you in the bum and it hurts <'> <'> <'>

 

I would not stop working all together it's probably a life-line even if it does not feel like one right now. Respite sounds a good idea if you can get some. Tell them it's reaching crisis point. Rather a couple of nights respite than a residential - BUT - for some families residentials have been their saviour. With some respite you might remember that the other carer is also your husband <'> <'> <'>

 

Cat

[Bullet]

<'> <'> elun1 <'> <'>

[Nic m]

Hi elun1,

 

I hope you feel a bit better saying how you feel on here.

You could take some time off work to get you through this period of difficulty, i know it will always be hard work but you may need some time off to think through your work options.When things were really difficult in my house i kept going until i nearly collapsed i worked in social work was up about 5 times a night with my daughter and her behaviour was spiralling out of control and her mood was getting lower by the day.I took some time off work but while things were still a bit hectic i resigned because i knew i needed to make the change completely.My line manager was brilliant as were all the staff who knew why i was off.I am 18 months on from taking time off and a year after resigning i am now looking into different work options that will suit me better. My daughter has improved greatly and life seems brighter again for both of us.I am not suggesting you give up work but you may benefit from a break.( i was also scared of admitting i was struggling but the support i was given was breathtaking and humbling ) Good luck with whatever you do and remember you are not alone, so many people on this forum know exactly how you feel and wish you well.

Thinking of you

Nicola

[lorryw]

Hello Elun,

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I really feel for you and know exactly how you feel.

Are school aware of whats going on at home or do you present a happy smiley facade everyday (done that and worn the tshirt). Please let them know what is really going on. I know its difficult but it will make a huge difference if you can go into work and be honest about what a crappy time you are having.

Schools can be really weird places to work in and very easy to keep yourself to yourself. I work part time as a TA and it took a long time for me to admit what was going on at home. I was amazed at the reaction when I finally lowered my guard and let a few people in. I was offered sympathy. practical help (a few teachers offered to babysit for us!) and one teacher revealed that she had been through the same thing with her son years ago. I always felt she was very standoffish but we are now close friends.

This is a horrible time of year for many of our children. Christmas and the change it brings can be very confusing.

Make an appointment to see your GP and find out what help is available to you locally. Contact social services who may be able to help with some kind of respite services or at least Direct Payments so that you can find your own carers.

I hope I dont sound patronising and please take care of yourself.

Lorainexx

[Platefull of Love]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[phoebe]

I do hope that you managed to get some sleep and that today you feel a bit better. The reality is though that, you really need to ask for help. You were right about it being a grieving process, and whilst you are grieving, you still need to be on the ball, coping with every day life, motherhood and work. It is no wonder, even we "copers" get so down trodden that it gets to the stage where you are now.

The hardest thing is to admit this and to ask for help. I dont know if you have considered it, but really think about going to your doctors. I did, I couldn't actuallly speak when I got there because I was so emotionallly drained and screwed up. I finally went because I realised that I couldn't be me anymore, I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be for my children and I was sinking fast. Eventually, I took an article with me and handed it to him. He was so supportive and understanding. You could print off your post and take it with you.

I too, continue my life without the love of my husband and we simply share the same house. It compunds all the issues, because I feel I would cope much better if I just felt like someone loved me and showed me some affection, even consideration; some love, a common purpose ANYTHING.

 

I did go onto Antidepressants and for me it helped me to cope. It gave me the strength to tell my nearest and dearest how I was feeling and at least they now realise a bit more and try to help. The relationship with my husband is sadly still dire. He does work away quite frequently and it suits us, but really it is no life, just pretending and one day, I will have to face up to that and make some changes.

 

I am no longer on the antidepressants. I felt more able to cope after about a year of taking them and stopped. There were no side effects. If I get to that stage again, I would definitely go back on them, the difference is I WOULD GO SOONER.

 

PLease look after you.

Love and hugs PHOEBE

[butterfingersbimbo]

hi chic no wonder you feel so awful, you need support. i think phoebe has a good point about going to see your gp, i had to in the end cos i couldnt stop crying either, i wasnt helping anyone once i got to that point. i have come of my happies now and also wish i had made that visit to the gp sooner!

 

el used to be a non sleeper, so in the end i asked for melatonin and she has them now and what a difference a bit of sleep makes to your sanity! i dont know how i ever coped before, i feel like a rational woman most of the time now.

 

i hope you manage to get some time off, sounds like you and your husband need a bit of time on your own, even if its just a few hours, just to be two adults and not carers for a bit.

 

sending you loads of hugs chic, hope you have a local support group near you! <'> <'> <'>

[elun1]

Thankyou so so much for helping me last night. I'm so grateful I can't really write down how much. I feel very very tired today but a bit more together. I'm going to make appt with gp in a minute. Funnily enough it was around this time last year that I went to see her and she was lovely - very very understanding - I just sat and howled for about an hour and she signed me off work for 2 weeks and it helped a lot. I do have a respite carer for 6hrs per fortnite and I know I'm very lucky to get that. I spend it with my other little boy, he chooses something special to do and we go and do that. His life is not easy either and that adds to the guilt - I feel like I do a lot of things badly and not anything really well if you know what I mean. I've phoned ds2's school this morning and admitted I need help - they were supportive and are referring him to a behavior support service - there's a waiting list but I feel better for just admiting that I'm not coping with him. Thankyou all again so much - Phoebe <'> <'> <'> thankyou so much for your messages - I really hope things get better for you too - thankyou for helping me <'>

Elunxxx

[phoebe]

WELL DONE you. WELL DONE.

 

Just making the decision and actually asking for help is such a momentous thing to do. You will begin to feel better and I hope you start to see a small chink of light to make your way towards.

 

IN the meantime - many <'> <'> <'> for you and keep us posted.

 

Thank heavens for this forum.

 

Love and hugs Phoebe

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> elun1 <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

[V1971]

Well done for making the first step and feel to talk to us anytime, we've all BTDT one way or another. {{HUGS}}

[loulou]

Hi,

 

Well done for making the appointment. It's not an easy thing to do <'> . I went through similar in the last few years and ended up off work (i'm a midwife) for a few months because i kept having panic attacks. I was on anti-d's for a while and they really helped me to see the wood for the trees. I just wanted to send you lots of <'> <'> and hope you feel a bit better soon. That feeling of desperation when you just can't stop crying is so horrible <'> <'> .

 

Loulou xx

[oxgirl]

Hi Elun,

 

So sorry you're having such a stressful time at the moment, no wonder you're exhausted. Hope you don't feel I'm being too personal, it's just that I wondered if you and your husband had considered marriage counselling. It's just that it could make such a difference to you both if you could feel that you were supporting each other and there for each other during this difficult period.

 

Take care and don't forget to look after yourself, you deserve looking after too. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[elun1]

Thanks again everyone so much, this has kept me going, knowing other people understand. I rang GP - appt next week - I'm going to print off that first post that I wrote yesterday. I'm not very good at admitting I can't cope. In fact at work it's gone beyond that - I pretend to be the most cheerful person there - nothing is too much trouble - I make a point of never never mentioning anything negative - particularly after last year when I had that time off. The trouble is it's hard to go from the pretence that everything's fine. Even if I haven't slept I can pretend - I'm used to it now.

I would happily go to marriage guidance but my dh would never ever go. He just wouldn't - I've asked him in the past as we hit a very rough patch a while ago when I had miscarriage - sorry - probably too much information - in fact we've never really got over that but 2 mth after it happened ds was diagnosed and you know what it's like, everything else gets pushed to one side with coping with that.

Anyway thanks ever so much again - I've never felt as desperate as I did last night - thankyou

Elun <'> <'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Glad you're feeling a bit better today, keep talking about the probs, it really does help. I feel more desperate when I have no one to talk to.

 

Take care and I hope you sleep well tonight <'>

[Nic m]

Hi Elun, i thought about you a lot today, glad you are feeling a bit better.

Take care of yourself.

Nicola

[loupin]

Hi! keep going!!! I've also had periods when i"ve thought that the tears will never stop. Luckily the last time it happened I woke up one morning and thought ENOUGH! Ok done the tears now what?!! I have started to be a bit selfish and take some me time. My boy (ASD SPD and Learning Dis) goes to bed at 7.30 since we introduced melatonin and I go to the gym for 1-2 hours. My husband has to learn to cope (my son is also quite aggressive) and I cant go on without a break. My energy levels have increased and I am making an effort to talk to my husband and spend at least for 1/2 hr a day just chatting and we have both promised to put a little effort into each other. I think its so easy to let the relationship slide when you are under such constant draining stress. When my son didnt go to bed until 10pm I had nothing left at the end of the day, all i could do was fall into bed and sleep until the next onslaught! I dont think I would of cared if my husband never came home as we were just tired and snipeing. But for now life seems ok!!!!!!! I'm sure I will have another down patch but thank god for everyone on this site!!!!!

Good move going to the GP <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>