phoebe Report post Posted February 28, 2007 Help Another bad day. Dont know what to do or how to handle him. All the usual consequences are being met with defiance and "WHATEVER". Dont know what has got into him. Why is he being so oppositional? What is going through his head? Why cant I help? What can I do to get through to him? He now tells me he is going to make himself sick every night so that I cant take him to school the next day. Had to walk home without him and just hope he followed tonight He is 8 and had to cross some roads by himself, but ................what am I supposed to do? Feel sick. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted February 28, 2007 oh phoebe <'> i wish i had the answers,ive been there many times. i never know how to get through to steve when he gets like that either,sorry im no help but just wanted to say i know what you going through <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat Report post Posted February 28, 2007 (edited) I appreaciate that my response will probably be biased because I home educate but here goes. I have just finished home educating my eldest son with AS - he is now 19 and am still home educating my youngest HFA who is 9. My eldest became a school refuser aged 11 and it got to the point where he was cutting up his clothes and pouring water inside of his shoes so that he was unable to attend school. He was also vomiting each time I tried to get him out of the house. I realised that this was more that being oppositional and more a cry for help from a child who was no longer coping within the system. Does your son have any problems at school? And does he have a Statement. Mine had the problems and no statement because he was a clever lad. Your son sounds as if school could be making him ill and he now feels unable to cope. Can he tell you what the problem is? If he can even if it does not make sense to you it is making him determined that he no longer wants to attend school. What is your son like when he is at home? Is he oppositional at home to? Lot's of questions I know but depending on the answers then some of us here may be able to equate with what you are saying. Cat Edited February 28, 2007 by Cat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted February 28, 2007 He is generally happier and more setlled at home, but then he only has Me, dad and his little sister here. He has always tried to dictate the way that things happen and to bend everything to his rules, both at home and at school. We are currently going through the statementing procdure and have been offered 10 hours 1 to 1. we have requested a meeting with the lea because we think he needs more and because it needs to be tightened up as the school think they will just carry on giving him the support which he currently gets?!??????? He is also a clever lad and I feel quite positive that we have been able to get him a statement at all, but am so worried about his future and secondary school. Having a why me moment - sorry. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted February 28, 2007 when J was 8 I had very similair difficulties and the main problem for him was school. So has your son got any difficulties in school? is he been supported and do they have understanding of his SEN? For J when he behaves like you describe, then its his way of communicating and his way to say he isnt coping and that he is scared. I would set up an appointment with the schools senco and share with her the difficulties you are having at home and back it up with a letter to your local SEN Department. It could be that you may need to keep a diary of his behavioral concerns and if there is any way you could video the episodes, dictaphone, ect.... then record it and share it with his GP and Senco. I think he is showing real distress signals, and he needs help. JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat Report post Posted February 28, 2007 I think that the majority of us would understand children who want you to follow their rules. My two certainly do and more so when they feel that cirumstance are beyond their control and out of their grap. Trying to dictate the terms is trying to take control over something which they can not understand. His rules are safe and he understands them he needs to learn that other people's rules can be safe to but this does not sound as if it is the case at the moment. I feel quite sad for him because he does sound out of his depth and when children with ASD are not coping they really do try to force their own rules. Cat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dooday24 Report post Posted February 28, 2007 sorry no advice have very smilar probs with reece but sending u loads of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> love donnaxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted February 28, 2007 Phoebe <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted February 28, 2007 When my son was experiencing problems I just didn't understand why he didn't wnat to go to school and acted completly wrong, I felt he was just being a pain and was oppisitional so tried to be tougher but that idn't work and so I would try and force him, he wasn't as clever as your lad in the way in which he tried to refuse my son just used violent behaviour.... from refusing to get out the house, to refusing to get out the car and then having to get out of the car with me asI had to walk my daughter in he would collect stones ready to launch at the teachers and would be hitting, kicking me al the way into school. He really wasn't coping and I didn't know what to do. We even had support from autism teacher who with social worker came to home every day for 3 weeks to try and get him to school without me there, late start etc and it still never worked 2 days out of 3 weeks. I wish I knew then that his school refusal was a result of his difficluties. Some things we tried were......... someone different taking him to school going to the breafast club before school started walking to school/taking his bike starting later than other children me staying in school with him enjoyable activity to do when he first gets into school TA meeting us by the entrance door social story (why we go to school, what he will be doing, how long in school for) Rewards and bribes, trip to park after school etc Maybe you could try some of them if you haven't already, get the school on side to help as much as they can, it's obvioulsy very stressfull for him at themo' and he needs some help. Sending you a hug, I do kind of know where you are <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted February 28, 2007 <'> <'> <'> Oh Phoebe, I know exactly where you are coming from, school has been a huge issue for us, my lad hates it and his behaviour at home is terrible, yet at school he's an angel !!! but this is his way of coping with the anxiety and stress, it then all comes pouring out after and before school. Just today the school phoned me to say how well he got on (I raised some issues about some changes he was going on about all last night and this morning).... they make me feel I am neurotic then on the days when he makes himself sick and I still make him go to school he tells me that I am the most wicked Mother ever. Have I got any answers....sorry not at the moment, its all trial and error, but I would certainly recommend you check out on whats going on at school and remember even though its very tough and hurtful I don't see the behaviours and words and actions as personal, just sheer frustration and that my child can truly express emotions with me, the person he most trusts and feel safe with. Clare x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfingersbimbo Report post Posted March 1, 2007 <'> <'> <'> i used to get this with el.....not sure what to suggest. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted March 1, 2007 (edited) From stressedmumof2 Some things we tried were......... someone different taking him to school going to the breafast club before school started walking to school/taking his bike starting later than other children me staying in school with him enjoyable activity to do when he first gets into school TA meeting us by the entrance door social story (why we go to school, what he will be doing, how long in school for) Rewards and bribes, trip to park after school et These are very good tips and have to say since J has attended the breakfast club he is soo much more compliant and ready for school, the whole process of the beginning is much better, calmer and with supervision and support, if your childs school has a breakfast club then I recommend this start to the day as well. Its even increased his chances of a better evening routine as he is more tired with getting up earlier for school so yes I agree with the breakfast club but the other ideas like the TA greeting him at the beginning is also a great idea, anyway thought your ideas where very supportive. JsMum Edited March 1, 2007 by JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted March 1, 2007 Awww. thanks j's mum, sadly none of the ideas actually worked for us, too little too late and staff that would not take into account my son's difficluties, I was just a bit pushy with the ideas, lol. i think the main thing in allof this is try and get the schoolto be as supportive as they can and to listen to you, children refuse schoolbecause they can't cope and that is what needs to be taken into consideration, exactly why they aren't coping <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted March 1, 2007 (edited) Thank you all for your replies and suggestions. We are currently at the proposed statement bit of the statutory assessment, so meetings with the school and written reports are already ongoing and in full swing. He has been to school today and did quite well until he was asked to have another go at a piece of work which he felt he had already done. Then he lost it again. Sadly and inexcusably, he punched his teacher in the face. He was removed from the classroom by controlled restraint and taken to the quiet room. Such a worrying time. The school does not have a breakfast club, but he has always happily gone to school. The problems we are going through at the moment....... I think he is struggling to understand some of the work and thinks he cant do it, then wont try and refuses. If I sit with him (as I did Last night after school) and do it 1-1 after a few ups and downs and a lot of positive reinforcement, he can manage. He does tend to rush things and not read the question through and does not appreciate any effort at mediation. This does lead to him making mistakes and then he loses all confidence in his ability, calls himself stupid, headbangs. You are spot on, all of you who have said that this behaviour is about his not being able to cope with the way he is currently being schooled, but I do not know what else I can do. Thanks again for all your responses, I thought I should post a bit of an update too. Love Phoebe Edited March 1, 2007 by phoebe Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted March 1, 2007 Sorry to hear today had its problems, it sounds as if he is very frustrated and confused. My son too believes when a task is done it is done no matter how untidy or brief he has done it. Homework is a nightmare too probably because it reminds him too much about being at school. I was wondering do you think he may be getting anxious and stressed about the "talk" about going to secondary school this is going to be a huge change and I know my son started getting worse with his behaviour towards the end of Year 5 particularly as it became a very popular topic at the school gate and with all the children taking about where they would be going after year 6. Connor currently has a little note book which the school gave him where he has to note down at certain times during the day how stressed or anxious he feels (on a scale of 1 to 10 with 0 being no stress or anxiety and 10 being unable to cope at all) guess this could be a useful tool for any behaviour and might pin point problems areas which make the behaviour worse....just a thought. Clare x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bambi Report post Posted March 5, 2007 I feel like u a lot of the time and i feel i can not get thru to T with most things, i hoep & pray things will sink in and one day get easier but i dont see it right now, sending u <'> Bambi x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
