ive got a plan

[hev]

im getting cold feet about steve going to residential so i was thinking of some other ideas.

 

when steve was out of school for 2 years before his special school the lea got him some home tutoring,he used to go to a school with his own tutor about 3mornings a week by taxi,i wonder if the lea would do that again?

 

the school he is barely at now have said that they are only letting steve go there to help me till he goes residential as they just cannot cope with his behaviours,i understand that he is horrendous there,he currently ends up going there about 2 days a week by the time hes been suspended.

 

when social services came i told them steve was going res school and she said their aim is to keep families together so i wonder if imy plan worked out they would give me more respite.

 

my lat bit involves my nick,i dont think i could do it on my own,having steve home a lot so i was gonna ask him to leave his job to help me look after steve and k,thats a tall order though cos im not the easiest person to be round 24 hours and im thinking we would end up arguing all the time.

 

i think you all know me very well through my posts,how i cope/dont cope etc,could you please give me some honest advice about it,dont worry about offending me,i cant seem to look at the situation objectively cos im in it,i dont understand why im getting cold feet about residential,i keep looking at him and thinking of the house without him and would he/me cope with the seperation

[Kathryn]

Hi hev,

 

This is only my personal opinion and of course it's your decision. I think you're going down the best route in tryng residential. As I think Bid said, you're giving Steve a future. How about giving it a chance to work - a term or so - you can always fall back on plan B if it doesn't.

 

Obviously I don't know your partner or how he would feel about the situation, but giving up work to look after someone is a pretty big decision, and it would only work if he really wanted to do it. If he agreed but felt resentful you could well end up arguing as neither of you would be getting any respite from the situation.

 

As I said, just my feeling, I haven't had a child at residential school and so I don't know how I would have reacted.

 

K x

[Kazzen161]

I would also say try the residential option first. Your son is 13 - if he doesn't go now, he probably won't get the opportunity again. If he does go and it goes well, he will be able to come home at 16 and you will all be able to live together happily. We are looking at the long term outcomes here. If he doesn't go and things don't change, he will end up having to leave home - maybe without all the support behind him.

 

>>when social services came i told them steve was going res school and she said their aim is to keep families together so i wonder if imy plan worked out they would give me more respite.

 

SS told me the best place for T was at home - but they still did not offer me any help. They refused to get involved in anyway with the request for a residential school, because they were worried they might have to pay towards it!

 

Karen

[smiley]

Honestly........

 

Give residential a try, if it doesn't work - then try other things <'> <'> <'>

 

Your a great mum, don't forget that xxxxxx <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Kind of going through the same sickening feelings as you at the mo'. My lad is 8 and I go to tribunal in a couple of weeks to see if I can get him a place in a residential school, in some ways I feel bad and that it feels like i'm giving up on him but in all honesty i'm not if I was I wouldn't fight this hard to get him into a good school, we have had no other option, the support is not there and neither is a suitable school.

 

I think you have to try it, he's at the age now where his hormones are all over the place and I think things could get more difficult, if he's in residential then he's going to be getting help with social, emotion, learning and behavioural skills 24 hours a day, you know he will be safe with staff who are caring and mostly go into this profession because they want to.

 

Could he have a visit their to see if it's suitable? my son went to the school for a stay over for 3 nights, he enjoyed it there although did get upset at nights but is now saying he wants to go there.

 

It's going to be a hard choice for you and for your family and only you can come to it, I wish you lots of luck in making your decisions.

 

Also like to add that I think everyone with children in residential miss their children like mad, I was all over the place when my son was at his for his visit but I guess wih time it gets easier and as the children feel more comfrotable and you can see the rewards from it then you know you have done the right thing.

 

Social services also say to me they will not support residential at this moment because their aim is to keep families together, me thinks it's down to money because sometimes by keeping families together without correct support problems just get bigger and bigger sometimes it can lead to sever complications.

 

sending you a hug,hope you come to the right decisions for all of you, take care <'>

[pumpkinpie]

Residential doesnt mean you are tearing your family appart. It just means your lad will get the support he needs.

In your heart you know he nneds this intensive help, you also know your ex partner is ex for a reason and doesnt really get it-no disrescet meant.

 

Sometimes we have to be brave and bite the bullet, The unknown is a scary thing but maybe even if you just say we will try it for 6 months and if it isnt working you will bring him home.

 

Be brave sWEETHEART! THE UNKNOWN IS A SCAry place but your lad deserves the best ed possible.

So it will give you a chance when he comes home to be his mum not a supermum who is trying to be all things ie teacher, mum, social worker etc

 

[desperate]

my son went to two residential schools, neither of them were asd specific. Due to his severe behavioural difficulties they were not able to accommodate his needs, which were in conflict with the other students. This meant that both the schools used "garden leave" weekly and this resulted in him being home more than at school. Until both schools in turn decided that they were unable to meet his needs and told the lea that they were not an appropriate environment for him.

This caused many more problems for my son and the family as a whole. He felt more rejected and less inclined to "trust" or try and spend more and more time in his own room and his own world. This is still the situation.

I think many resendential schools do have the qualities, understanding and abilities to help our children. Many do not. A residential special school that takes a variety of complex needs students are very often unable to ensure the school and residential environment is one in which the asd student can feel safe and protected. This does result in the same behaviours seen at mainstream schools and does ultimately leed to the same result, exclusion.

I think from experience I would ensure that the school does really understand the needs of the asd student who exhibits severe behavioural difficulties and not just assume that because it is a special school that these difficulties will recede or be accepted.

An asd specific school will always be the best option but the cost of these is very often prohibitive to the lea.

[JsMum]

Hev I have had a bit of time to think more about your post and I think I am feeling similair, J is in mainstream primary and struggling though not been excluded he is finding the whole enviroment very stressfull and I am looking at a specific special school as I know they will be able to help with his difficulties and most of them are residential, which is also making me feel a bit redundant in my resonsibilties, because five days he wont be here, the quietness will be deafening, I am use to his antics and vibrating house with his bounding movements, and I will defo miss him as much as I feel at times I do need a break, but I think I am also struggling with the residential bit of it all, the daily bit doesnt bother me as I know he will cope and he will be getting support, but its the night times when he really relies on me to comfort him.

 

I think for me it may even be harder for me than it will be for him, because of the role I have, been a single mum I am everything to J, his mum and dad and even a sibling at times when we lark around and play tig and hide and seek.

 

We are very close and have a really intense bond, how can I let that just go like that, I cant and I know I am already having daughts of residential school, I am even thinking of moving to the area and living there so he can attend daily as that for us is an option, as we dont need to stay where we are forever.

 

Anyway I thought I would let you know I am feeling rather scared about the residentail part of it too.

 

JsMum

[Bagpuss]

Hev, I can only try to understand how jittery you must be feeling about residential, but it may work out for the best. Try to think of the positive outcomes it may bring, rather than dwell on the negatives. You won't know how you and Steve are going to be until you try it, and it may be the best decision you've ever made. If it doesn't work out, then at least you've tried, and then would be the time to look at other options. Your a wonderful mum, trying to do the best for your son. Thinking of you and huge hugs hun x <'> <'> <'>

Edited March 1, 2007 by Bagpuss

[witsend]

Aw Hev, I tend to agree with what a lot of the others have said, why don't you try the residential first and then look at other options if it doesn't work out. I totally understand how nerve racking it must be for you and I think it's totally normal to be having cold feet, but it if it does work out it could be great for all of you and relieve a lot of the stress you have to live with. In all your posts I have read however down you are the love you have for your son is always evident, so I hope it's not a guilt thing giving you cold feet.

I think I'd be reacting much the same in your shoes. When we were looking at poss residential for eldest I kept finding reasons why he shouldn't go and basically they all boiled down to 'even though he's ###### hard work I can't bear to let him go because I love him so much'. Other people realised that this was not really the best of reasons to stop him going but I didn't! It's impossible to be objective when you are 'Mum' so maybe you do need to listen to those who really do know and care about you (and Steve) and trust their opinion.

Good luck, take care, keep us posted.

Luv Witsend.

[hev]

thanks for your replies.

 

im going to try residential first,if it dont work i will go for my back up plan,i think it will help him so much going res and ive got to give him that chance otherwise i will never know what might have been.

 

thats my decision for tonight.........!!!!