Give me strength

[Flora]

Before I start this rant let me just confirm that I love my son...

 

BUT....

 

He's driving me up the ###### wall and if I don't bash the living daylights out of my key board I might end up running up the street screaming at the top of my voice! and what's more... I'd never ###### well come back.

 

We can't do anything. We can't even go for a ###### walk without a gestapo like interogation and nit picking critisism on how everything we do other than go on the ###### computer is a waste of Bill's precious time...

 

I'm taking the kids to see their Grandma this weekend. Two measley ###### nights and he's just announced he's not going because it'll be boring.

 

I'm usually patient to the point of irritating but the selfishness of this just made me snap. My mum's got a fractured femur and we haven't seen her for weeks and he can't even give up two days of his precious computer time to see his grandma without causing ructions. Ben and Suze are really excited but the whole trip is going to be ruined by bill's running commentary of moans and complains and whinges.

 

I just looked at him and said (yelled?) 'Boring? boring? what could be more ###### boring than spending all day in front of a computer screen?'....

 

Anyway we had an undignified slanging match and you know what? I'm NOT ###### sorry!!!! Maybe I will be later when I've calmed down but at the moment I'm just livid.

 

Anyhoo... on a brighter note... SENCO rang me to go through her report from stat assessment.... her parting words.... 'he'll get the statement' Basically she pointed out that they have kids with statements who have 10 hour support. Bill had 20 and it still wasn't enough.

 

I'm just going to go and snap some pencils as I'm full of grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

Flora

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

<'>

puters can be a joy for our kids but such a ###### at the same time

cant say anyhting else sorry, fried brain cells.

[oxgirl]

Oh, Flora, I know exactly what you mean, they've got such one-tracked minds, haven't they, that they just can't see it from another point of view. It's so infuriating, it really is. Don't blame you a bit for being mad and I don't think you should feel sorry for getting angry, sometimes they just need to be shown how unreasonable they're being and how upset that makes people feel.

 

Last week I did a 10k race, I'd been training for months and was really looking forward to it. In the end though, Jay really did ruin it with his ungracious attitude. HE was bored, HE had nothing to do other than hang around watching people run, HE wanted to go home, HE was hot, HE was tired! From the minute we left the house to the minute we got back and then all afternoon as well, on and on he went about how put out HE was. Felt so sorry for my hub who had to put up with his whinging whilst I was trotting round slowly, I ended up feeling guilty and wishing I hadn't bothered in the first place! The simple fact was, it was something out of the norm for him, he usually spends Sunday mornings playing with his precious Lego and to be dragged away from it just for the sake of someone else, well, it's just not on is it. He sounds like Bill, so unadaptable and unable to cope with changes from the routine, but, like you, it's the unwillingness to put himself out or compromise for the benefit of someone else that really upsets me sometimes.

 

Hang in there, we know they don't mean it really, but it's still frustrating and exhausting to the max! <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bard]

And it doesn't help one little bit that he's not being selfish at all, just self-centred and oblivious to the needs of others.

You have my sympathy, sometimes my patience is stretched so thin, it's translucent!

Hearing a child go on and on complaining about something for ages can make the most saint-like individual want to scream and run. I have a high tolerance for 'happy noise' but grumbling is difficult!

Why should you be sorry for being human and worried about Grandma?

I used to give B a warning, then I'd fine him in increments, usually 20p a time. I used to tell him that I understood what his objections were, but I was overruling them because, and I'd give him a reason. We also used small bribes or rewards, put up with a visit to Sainsbury's, and I will buy more bacon. Be inconsiderate, and I will cook delicious vegetarian food instead.

If you bend a little for me, I will bend a little for you and cook dead pig.

It does work for us, and we have few disputes now. I don't take him to places that I know he couldn't bear, but visiting an ill relation would definitely be on the cards.

I do understand that this is what works for us, and I am in a very different situation to you, but you have my sympathy and appreciation of how hard it is to have to juggle different roles when people aren't being co-operative.

And of course you love him, otherwise his attitude wouldn't annoy you quite as much!

I find it's the same with partners.

Edited May 25, 2007 by Bard

[elun1]

<'> <'> Flora <'> <'>

[steviegirl]

Flora, it sounds that you and Hev go through the same. Also a lot of other parents. What is going on? I did a course once and we had to learn about egocentricity. Small children usually have this until they learn to see the other persons point of view as they develop. However Steve and other children seem to be stuck there even as they get older and then it is not funny anymore.

Does this progress in adulthood and never go away and how sad is that because other people don't love them like us and will keep away as they cannot handle it.

When Steve wants something he is all smilea as soon as we refuse he cannot handle it and goes into rages, especially with his mum. Sometimes I think when will it all end and will I be here to enjoy that time. Flora you and your husband must take some time for yourselves and just have some nice moments. We did not want residential but for Steves sake and sorry to say it everyone elses to recharge our batteries so we can all cope. Thinking of you.

[Kathryn]

Flora,

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

You have my sympathies. Sometimes you've just got to get it out of your system. I've had spectacular shouting matches with L from time to time about similar things.

 

I hope Bill finds being away from the computer isn't as bad as expected and the rest of you have a good time.

 

Encouraging news about the statement by the way: hope your Senco is right.

 

K x

[baddad]

Aggghhhhhhhhhhh - just typed a big reply with quotes and everything, went to post it it and lost the lot

Give me some of those pencils...

 

Ooooer - pass the squeezy bottle! Do you kiss your mum with that mouth?

 

now very pushed as ben wants me, but paraphrasing...

I think it's par for the course with kids of a certain age

Linda Smith quote:...

And you tend to put on a lot of weight, too, as a teenager... about 3 stone... on the bottom lip... you could walk around with a window box balanced on it, just sulking and moaning... a huge pet lip with a pair of trainers on the bottom...

 

Hope he's stopped moaning, that you didn't run out of pencils and that your weekend is the blissfuil, kids free zone you deserve...

 

L&P

 

BD

[stressedmumto2]

I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you are but I do understand it completely. You have to be where you feel you are need to be right now and you are thinking it's going to go downhill.

 

Does Bill have a hand held game he could take that could give him his fix?

 

My son is terrible with transitions even to the point of going to his dad's every other weekend, sometimes he goes and sometimes he doesn't but I?m beginning to learn that if he has to go somewhere he doesn't want to including my friends homes I have to make sure that I can take something with him or ask them if he can have access to their pc or children?s playstation, lol luckily most friends are accommodating. It feels like I am giving in but it's something I have to do this if I want to see friends, however it is a pain in the backside.

 

I think with my own child things have got worse since he's been out of school, today we had to get meds, I told him we only had 30 mins but he was insisting on going to the shops, we went for meds first but he didn't like it, I tried to explain that if we didn?t' get meds today we would run out but he couldn't rationalise that I feel at times it's all about him as you are probably feeling with your son.

 

Is there something at grannies that you could find really motivating for your son or if something could be at grannies as a reward when he gets there, something that he likes allot i.e. book/magazine of special interest, lego or something similar.

 

I hope you have a good time away, don't punish yourself for shouting at him and just try and give yourself a bit of time, I know that's easier said than done.

 

Take Care <'>

[Mumble]

Flora, it sounds that you and Hev go through the same. Also a lot of other parents. What is going on? I did a course once and we had to learn about egocentricity. Small children usually have this until they learn to see the other persons point of view as they develop. However Steve and other children seem to be stuck there even as they get older and then it is not funny anymore.

Does this progress in adulthood and never go away and how sad is that because other people don't love them like us and will keep away as they cannot handle it.

When Steve wants something he is all smilea as soon as we refuse he cannot handle it and goes into rages, especially with his mum. Sometimes I think when will it all end and will I be here to enjoy that time. Flora you and your husband must take some time for yourselves and just have some nice moments. We did not want residential but for Steves sake and sorry to say it everyone elses to recharge our batteries so we can all cope. Thinking of you.

 

Steviegirl - Thank you for giving such an honest, but also understanding, reply. I realise I could probably upset people in replying - that's not my intention at all - so please try not to take it that way.

As Steviegirl says, most small children learn 'give and take' naturally but for many on the autistic spectrum this is not natural and has to be systematically learnt. Even when learnt, at times of stress it can be particularly difficult to apply what has been learnt because it is not an implicit action.

 

It seems to me Flora, that in this situation, you are expecting you son to show give and take (which is entirely reasonable, but is based on NT social understanding) which he may or may not understand, without reciprocation. I think Bard touched on the idea of doing something for one person and that person doing something in return. This seems like something that is needed in your situation, but again this has to be explicitly learnt and the right triggers need to be in place for your son to implement it himself.

 

I do not know you and I do not know your son so I can only try to think about things from my point of view and knowing I'm not very accutate in doing this, I may get things wrong. Computers seems to be something your son is comfortable with. Unlike going out, they are predictable. It actually sounds like your son may be using 'boring' through lack of appropriate words to express a feeling he is experiencing (possibly linked with anxiety) but that he is unable to verbalise. This is not aimed at you/your situation, but in general, I would suggest that as well as asd individuals needing to learn the oft quoted 'give and take', NTs also need to learn 'give and take' from an asd perspective - only if we are prepared to meet each other can shared understanding begin to develop. Only your son can know what autism is like for him. But he can't know what the social world and implicit expectations for behaviour are like for you. It's hard, but together you have to learn to work with each other's understandings and so build some common ground from which shared understandings and experiences can develop.

 

Mumble (who hopes she hasn't upset anyone)

[phoebe]

I would suggest that as well as asd individuals needing to learn the oft quoted 'give and take', NTs also need to learn 'give and take' from an asd perspective - only if we are prepared to meet each other can shared understanding begin to develop. Only your son can know what autism is like for him. But he can't know what the social world and implicit expectations for behaviour are like for you. It's hard, but together you have to learn to work with each other's understandings and so build some common ground from which shared understandings and experiences can develop.

 

Mumble (who hopes she hasn't upset anyone)

 

 

OOOOH Mumble - good reply - can I quote you directly at my son's school?! Their view is that he is "clever and manipulative."

 

Take care of you

Phoebe

[phoebe]

Flora - I totally sympathise and often share that total frustration with the world according to DS - hopefully you are feeling a little calmer and you can work on some common ground that will prevent your time being filled with a moaning and "bored" son - cos boy is that draining!

 

Take care of you

Phoebe

[bid]

Hi Mumble,

 

Just in case you didn't know, but Flora has an AS dx, too...so I don't think she is doing anything from an NT perspective!

 

Bid

 

Flora, loads of <'> <'> <'> hun!

Edited May 25, 2007 by bid

[Deedee]

OOOOH Mumble - good reply - can I quote you directly at my son's school?! Their view is that he is "clever and manipulative."

 

Take care of you

Phoebe

 

 

Phoebe I already have it printed off lol...It answers our SENCO's attitude towards ASD kids perfectly thanks Mumble!

 

 

Flora I'm afraid we have the same prob here with 'detaching' M from the PC/PStation/Xbox etc ... Just to enable us to get out when we need to we got him a DS and although it helps for a while its not an ideal remedy.Hope you manage to get something sorted <'> Dee X

[Bard]

Can I add, as the proud and loving parent of an NT child, that when she was 13 she could be a self-centred, egotistical, pain in the *** as well?

So every now and then, we parents have a moment where we stop and scream and stamp our feet and wail

' IT'S NOT FAIR'

And then we pick up everything we were carrying again, put on our Gameface and keep going.

Because that's what we do. And sometimes it helps when other people make comforting noises and say 'there there' because it reminds us that there are those who know and understand and sympathise.

And then, when your children get to be parents, you get to do what my mum does, and have a giggling fit at some of the lesser, sillier things I get exasperated about. And she tells me ' It was much worse with three' and

' Shall I make you some hot chocolate?'

Friends make life easier.

[bid]

Beautifully put, Bard!

 

Bid

[Mumble]

Hi Mumble,

 

Just in case you didn't know, but Flora has an AS dx, too...so I don't think she is doing anything from an NT perspective!

 

Bid

I didn't know. Sorry Flora.

 

And sometimes it helps when other people make comforting noises and say 'there there' because it reminds us that there are those who know and understand and sympathise.

I do try, but I don't find it easy.

 

One day I'll learn not so say/type the wrong thing.

 

Mumble

[Bard]

I didn't know. Sorry Flora.

I do try, but I don't find it easy.

 

One day I'll learn not so say/type the wrong thing.

 

Mumble

 

Mumble, anyone who's not a parent would find it hard enough to understand, NT or AS.

My sister was a social worker, and was full of advice and reasonable suggestions and theory. And sometimes I wanted to punch her.

Then she had two boys within three years AND they didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time for years!

So she was the desperate, wild-eyed figure snarling ' Yes! I've tried that!' at all our helpful suggestions.

Time rolled on, and her children now sleep for longer, but she's a much better, more aware social worker than before. Help and ideas are always welcome, but sometimes if you've been there and survived it enables you to empathise a bit.

 

Although sometimes, I still want to punch her.

Edited May 25, 2007 by Bard

[elun1]

Advice from anyone sucks when you haven't had any sleep

[Flora]

He's an absolute star really. He's staying here with Terry, we've got it all sorted. I actually think it did him good to see me have my own tantrum because he's been really friendly and sociable with everyone tonight which is very unusual for him these days. Of course, part of it is because ultimately he got his own way in the end! But he did apologise. The ONLY reason why I'm letting him stay at home is because my other two children really need a break and my poor mum with her broken leg would be a captive audience to bill's weekend melt down and I just couldn't do that to her.

 

I've treated him with kid gloves more than usual the past couple of years and to be honest I think it does all kids good (NT or otherwise) to remind them where the boundaries are otherwise they'd grow up thinking they can just walk all over you.

 

I feel rather embarrased about my rant earlier, but I do think it kept a lid on things by taking it out on the key board because I really had lost it.

 

Flora

[hev]

I feel rather embarrased about my rant earlier, but I do think it kept a lid on things by taking it out on the key board because I really had lost it.

 

Flora

dont be embarrased about your rant flo,i love a good rant me i should have come on here at 10.30 today instead of chucking 2 plates out my back garden in front of neighbours on both sides,i smashed them on conrete and stormed back in,felt quite liberated after,then went and laid on the bed completely refreshed

[stressedmumto2]

dont be embarrased about your rant flo,i love a good rant me i should have come on here at 10.30 today instead of chucking 2 plates out my back garden in front of neighbours on both sides,i smashed them on conrete and stormed back in,felt quite liberated after,then went and laid on the bed completely refreshed

 

 

Ah gawd I know that feeling hev, for the first time a couple of weeks ago I chucked my fone at my wardrobe mirror doors, luckily they never smashed but it got rid of my anger immediatly and i've never had that feeling before (should do it more often, lol) now I wonder why my fone isn't working.

 

Just to add it was after a very stressful day not just the kids but their twit (i'm being polite) of a dad too

[Diamondmask]

You know I think that is the worst part of ASD, the inability to see anyone else's point of view. It drives me nuts sometimes, I can cope with a certain amount from my son, even NT 11 year olds arent exactly endowed with empathic ability, so I cant expect too much for a lad with HFA. But it drives me crazy with my husband. He is soooooooo AS! Makes me want to reach for the nearest lump hammer!

 

No advice, but lots of sympathy.

 

Sarah

[David Matthew Baker]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Hope you manage to get things sorted. Good luck, David.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Bard]

I think it does all kids good (NT or otherwise) to remind them where the boundaries are otherwise they'd grow up thinking they can just walk all over you.

 

You are a wise and perceptive woman, I wish all the parents in my school had this on a laminated card to use as a reference point. Enjoy the visit.

[curra]

Hi Flora,

 

Just wanted to say that it's very much the same situation here with my DS. He can really drive me mad with his egocentricity and tantrums when things don't go the way he expects. Worse still, because he's an only child and I'm an only parent he has only me to tyrannize or to expect solutions from, so trying to balance what is AS and what is teenage moodiness is an extremely difficult job which leaves me worn out every night. I lose my patience too and I think that it is natural and to a certain extent good for our sanity.You shouldn't beat yourself up for it, you are a good mum and you are only human. Other people in the future will not be as tolerant as parents are, and it's important that children (AS or NT) have limits, that they understand how their behaviour can affect others and that they see that their parents also have feelings. My son usually apologises after a tantrum but only because I tell him (as calmly as I possibly can and sometimes not so calmly) what effect his behaviour has on me or others.

 

What makes things more difficult to take (for me) is when other people (S workers, health professionals, teachers) tell me that he has to "learn to be independent" as if implying that I keep him immature and dependent deliberately because I am alone, this really makes me feel very angry.

 

Take care

 

Curra

[allsetuk]

same here and mines only 5....only parent only child situation and half term, hes been doing really well at school and ive had one hell of a throwback...his head is so set in a pig headed way and normally i try to find something to do in holidays, go visit someone , something to take the focus off homelife, he is like bouncing off the walls no joke, jumping, bounding about for not a single second does he stop, blowing rasberrys, blowing sounds jumping on me, swinging off mee....aaaaaagh im so worn out ;(

[lynyona]

i know what you mean Curra kieran is 21 next week and thats all the profesionals said to me get him out there make him more independant and face the big wide world.How can you make them kieran never leaves the house and im affraid the big wide world wont come to him. Dont they undrerstand that its the big wide world that they dont want to be part of or dont have the ability to be part of through no fault of their own.