Bullies

[krystaltps]

My heart broke for C today. He woke up happy (first time since the holidays began), and asked to put on shorts and t-shirt!!! SHOCK - C only EVER wears fleece-lined joggy suits, he hasn't worn shorts or short sleeves since he was 18 months old. He the announced he was going down to the park to play (the twins were already there). We never let C out without an adult, and explained to him that we didn't trust the other children, could he wait until his auntie was going down with the dogs. He was a bit upset, but accepted this and happily wandered off to the park with his auntie. The dogs needed a run, so my sis took them over to the field beside the park, and in the ten minutes that she was out of ear-shot, C's happy little world fell apart. When she got back, C was in a state, and it took her ages to get to the bottom of it, with the help of a wee boy in my class. Two boys from C's school, and two P7s from my school had started taunting him, calling him freak and gay-boy. One of them then stuck chewing gum to his backside.

He is gutted, he says he's never going to wear shorts and t-shirt again, and he is never going to go out again. How are our children supposed to have a normal childhood? As we live on an island, kids here get a lot more freedom than kids on the mainland, and C's younger siblings go to the park everyday - it just seems to hammer home the feeling that he has that he's different when he's unable to do something that children younger than him can do. He has to wait about for me, dad or my sis to take him places, he never escapes adults. He has full-time supervision at school as well.

I am so angry with these kids, they just saw him today as a sitting duck, an easy target. How can I ensure he gets to have the chance to play and socialise without constant adult supervision (he's 8 now and it's "totally uncool" from the other kids' viewpoint)?

[wishingwell]

This is one of my nightmares and I live through it every time we go to public play areas. J is now 11 and we still supervise him at all times when other kids he doesn't know are about. He is clueless and they pick up on this very quickly. We are desperately trying to learn him how to act cool and not draw attention to himself, but when he get over stimulated he makes strange noises and throws himself around. But deep down I feel he has every right to be in these places having fun so we persevere and continue to watch over him.

Don't let them stop him enjoying his summer.

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[Bagpuss]

Our youngest dd is heading for 7, and we struggle to find a balance. She could never play out like her brother and sister do, and does require supervision. She will often ask if she can "go out to play" and we take her out the green at the front of our house, and this seems to apease her. We take her to the park as often as we can. We even supervise her in the front garden, as we have a lower fence at the front, and children do stop and talk to her. I do often worry though about the future, and as she becomes older, what will we do then............

 

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[JsMum]

Hi in some areas council they run special projects for children who are victims of bullying and run activities where they will be safe and happy, so do check if your area have this, its usually under names such as Anti-Bullying Project/service

 

Another thing to consider that if a person goes into a public place such as a park or city services like library or musiems and someone is intimidating you, and threatening you then that person is committing an public order offence and they can be taken to court for it so it may be worth a mention to your local policing team.

 

There is also a website that can offer your son support on how he felt and how he can manage his feelings, its a great place to visit and its run by Kidscape and I am sure they can off you further information on bullies.

 

http://www.kidscape.org.uk/

 

JsMum

[mrs.ddh]

My heart goes out to you and your son,krytalstps. I dont want to be the harbinger of bad omens or say what will happen to you, but our son is 14 and the bullying has increased since he left primary school. So I think Jsmum's advice about Kidscape is a good idea. The more you can educate your child about bullying and the different ways they can learn how to thwart it, the better. I will be spending the summer working on the same thing with my son!

 

He has been severely bullied at school, and the staff are always quick to respond - but this all happens retroactively. I only hope that eventually the kids at school will get the message and stop bullying my son.

 

As for leaving him to go out on his own, we struggle with that. When I take him out, we have young people calling abuse at him (gay, freak, etc), with his mother standing right there! I have yet to punch anyone's lights out, but I am close to it. I usually ignore their outbursts; I want to set a good example for my son because I know he would mimic my behavior, but boy, would I like to rip into some of these ignorant sods. How are we to allow my son to go off on his own when he suffers abuse when we are standing right there? We tried getting him to do kickboxing, but he did not have the co-ordination and he soon tired of it. I am not being very helpful, am I? Nor positive! I guess I just want to let you know that you are not alone in facing this, and hopefully I will one day learn how to allow my son more freedom and how to prepare him to be safe with that freedom. Watch this space!

ddh

[pearl]

Oh kt, my heart breaks for you & your lad. I think many of us have experienced similar.

Just a word of hope, yes it gets worse for a while but then it gets better. JP had his worst time at high school but 6th form was brilliant. Kids get more tolerant as they get older (past adolescence) in my experience.

[Wicce]

<'> krystaltps <'>

[MichelleW]

I'd be tempted to try to get photos of the little ***** and blow the pictures up to A3 size and post them around the area with titles such as "Cowards" and "bullies" etc. name and shame them. Publish their photos on the internet if you know how! I doubt if local newspapers would publish them - but that is what I would want to do!

 

Unfortunately, some of these children are like it because that is how they have been brought up to behave. Any decent parent would be disgraced by such behavior from their child - but informing parents can be very risky.

[krystaltps]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know that C isn't alone in this. We have concentrated, for the past 5 years, on not retaliating - he used to go into a frenzy and hit, kick, punch, bite everyone in sight. This made HIM the bad one, and at school the other children became aware of it and played the "wind him up and sit back to watch the fire-works" game - which is how the full-time supervision began. It's only within the past 6 months that C has managed not to resort to this, we've always told him just to walk away. I suppose in a way we have disarmed him, but we couldn't have him carrying on with this kind of reaction. Perhaps it's now time to begin discussing alternative strategies. I just can't face the thought of letting him out of sight again (without a responsible adult).

We don't have an anti-bullting project in our LA, the local schools run their own policies, but I will have a look at Kidscape - thanks Jsmum.

I have managed to book him up for an outdoor adventure week on the island, 10am-3pm everyday. It's being run by a local charity who provide support and respite for families and children with special needs. They will have people there who are experienced with ASD, and he's really looking forward to it - he has something for himself, not the twins - this is just for him. And, best of all - they're not allowed to wear shorts or t-shirt (because of ticks), so C is absolutely delighted <'> . Hopefully it will help boost his confidence.

Thanks again all for your support and hugs.

[Clare63]

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For you and your little lad.

 

Clare x

[Selkie]

I can sympathise a lot with this, my son is taunted a lot by other children, and often comes home in tears. For years people told me he needed to toughen up & he was a wimp & I was too soft on him etc. Now I know there is actually a reason for it, but it doesn't stop the bullying, and I never know quite how to handle it.

 

Do you know the parents of these other children & do you get on with them? Having lived on a Scottish island for many years, I know what the communities can be like, I just wondered if it would be worth having a word with the parents? I doubt if you'll get to the situation where they play happily together - that's a bit too 'perfect world'(!) - but maybe the parents (if they are understanding) could help, they may not even know what their kids are like to others!

 

Like wishingwell says, don't let them spoil his summer!

The adventure week sounds brilliant, can I send my son up?

Hugs to you both <'>

[cmuir]

Hi

 

We moved house to get away from neighbours kids bullying our son (he's 5 and has AS). We lived in a mid terraced house and kids used to run riot day and night in between rows of houses. R was fine when it was just one kid, but as soon as more arrived, they seemed to take great delight in teasing and winding R up. Used to make me really mad. I did speak to the parents but it made no difference, in fact some of them were downright nasty. He was always supervised - I used to park myself on the front step. Neighbours thought I was neurotic (frankly, couldn't care less what they thought!).

 

I'd never move because of anyone in particular, but I did see the unsettling effect it had on R. In honesty, it affected me far more. Easier said than done, but after 1.5 years of looking we found a detached bungalow with a sizeable back garden surrounded by a 7 foot high wall! It's no miracle cure, bit it's so nice to see how calm R is these days. I make sure that I invite his little school chums (one at a time) down to play on the trampoline and tree house.

 

Another issue is that R never used to get invited to other kids houses to play. To a point it does upset me, but I've came to the realisation that I'm much happier being able to keep an eye on this and know R is safe, etc. Although R is only 5 (and I don't think I'm being negative), I do kind of expect to be supervising. Now for the really negative bit ... I really think the differences will become more apparent the older R becomes and that's for me is the really worrying bit!

 

Caroline.

[pearl]

My stomach used to be in knots every time JP used to play out, I'd be hovering by the window. He used to like to watch ants, was no trouble to anyone, & the young sociopath a few doors down said to the other kids, stand on the ants, then sat back to watch the explosion. Next thing theres a girl we've never seen in our life before on our doorstep saying JP had her in a headlock. (Again, this boy had set the whole thing up & was giggling at the gate the little s**t)

 

The young sociopath, a few years down the line, has been excluded from school and is currently living with his father 200 miles awayas his mother couldnt stand it any longer. He made JPs life a misery for 5 years.

 

BUT - its in the past. It will always hurt that he could never enjoy playing out, but he's nearly 18 now & doesnt need to. And we've no bullying going on now. (But I still feel anxious when he goes off to taekwondo on his own)

Take courage.

[MichelleW]

I don't think I'll ever let J go anywhere on his own! He is too vulnerable and has a large garden to play in which is secure and safe, so has no need to go out in the front garden. But then, the only other child in our road is younger than J and has health problems so if J is in the front garden, he is not at risk from bullying. In fact, he probably isn't at risk of anything as there are rarely any cars driving past. I do still worry about kidnappers though!

[elun1]

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Elun xxx

[becci]

ok,my aaron has been bullied by a little for 4 years,well 2 months ago i had had enough,i live on a council estate but the house is mine,the child in question has problems of his own like alcoholic father and junkie mum,and is on the at risk register having already been in care twice.this child has made aarons life a misery.i tried speaking to the "parents" fat lot of good that did me,i tried spaeking to the council same result,then i phoned ss with my concerns,as the sister was eating out of the bin by the local shop with her little brother and baby sister(about 6 months old)within 1 hour the ss were at the door,the kids are in care.harsh?yes i know.but at least these children are now being properly looked after and fed,are not being kicked out the house until midnight every night and aaron is no longer frightened to go out of the front door.

judge me if you wish but i acted in what i thought was the best way.

 

i feel i should also add that i am under assesment to become a foster carer for disabled babies,so what kind of person would i be if i hadnt reported them?????????????

[Alyth_mum]

Becci I don't think you are harsh reporting them - if you take Aaron out of the equation you still would have rep[orted them to the SS because no child should have to rummage through bins.

 

Bullying is an issue for my family too. DD has an on-off friend. DD(almost 11) summed up the situation: K is friendly and plays happily with me as long as we are on our own BUT if anyone else turns up K immediately changes and becomes as nasty as anyone else calling me names etc.

 

YS (8)came home the other day all upset because children had spat on him and thrown stones at him. The local br*ts know that if they push YS enough he'll retaliate and then they come running to an adult and say 'YS hurt me'.

 

That is one of the great thing about their grandparent's house - middle of no-where with a big garden and no-one to be nasty to them (except one another of course)

 

Louise

Edited July 29, 2007 by Alyth_mum

[mrs fussy]

I don

Becci 't think you are harsh reporting them - if you take Aaron out of the equation you still would have rep[orted them to the SS because no child should have to rummage through bins.

 

Gosh i have to agree no child should be put through this it is terrible.

 

YS (8)came home the other day all upset because children had spat on him and thrown stones at him. The local br*ts know that if they push YS enough he'll retaliate and then they come running to an adult and say 'YS hurt me'.

 

This is terrible too but i often find this is what happens the bully gets away with it and the child whose life is being made a misery has the blame its terrible.

[taggingalong]

Our youngest dd is heading for 7, and we struggle to find a balance. She could never play out like her brother and sister do, and does require supervision. She will often ask if she can "go out to play" and we take her out the green at the front of our house, and this seems to apease her. We take her to the park as often as we can. We even supervise her in the front garden, as we have a lower fence at the front, and children do stop and talk to her. I do often worry though about the future, and as she becomes older, what will we do then............

 

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my son is forever bullying his five year old sister. he is eight years old we are waiting on him to be diagnosed with aspergers. it is very frustrating for us all. he has to be constantly supervised as he has hit her quite hard on occassions.. i dont think he has ever been bullied as he never leaves the house and i have never had any reports from his school to suggest otherwise. just the other day he run at his 18 year old brother with a very sharp knife. quite worrying. does anybody else have these problems with there asp kids. i would like to know how to deal with these problems im at my wits end. thanks everyone.