ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Me and Mr El had a heart to heart last night, we've had a tense weekend and Mr El has really been pushing El to do activities which are out of his abilities. I know he is only trying to encourage him, but it ended in a bad meltdown, plus me and DH sniping at one another and I hate that! We ended up talking about all the things El can't do, and then we spoke about the future.....Mr El seems to think El will grow up, get married, have kids, all the usual....and I hope he does, but also I can see the bigger picture and the reality, Mr El doesn't seem to grasp that. I don't think he understands or acknowledges the severity of El's disabilities. I think he is burying his head in the sand and I don't want him to be dissappointed for EL if the future holds none of these things. When I was pregnant, My DH used to fantasise about taking El to the football and loads of noisy boy stuff that would terrify him, he was so over the moon about having a son, and I think it's easier for him to pretend this is still going to happen. Sorry for being maudlin, I also can't talk to my Mum about this, she gets very emotional and I can't handle my own emotions never mind somebody elses! I am not crying, depressed or anything like that, I am just having a mini rant! Now breathe...........phew! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pumpkinpie Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Mr P is not one of lifes talkers, its just him. I found counselling wonderful and it made me talk about things which I hadnt even realised were eating away at me,. He didnt cure my stressing but gave me an outlet for daring to voice my worries and helping to release the burden. Maybe this is something which would benefit you? I found it easier to talk to a stranger because it meant I wasnt worried about hurting feelings and she helped me by asking questions etc which I hadnt even thought of/ 2 YEARS down the line I feel stronger dont need the little pills and can recognise behavious i used to cover my anxieities. I am alaways going to be some one prone to depressions bUT I can cope better and not let myself get into the black hole I was in before! Forums like this help enormously! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks Pumpkinpie! <'> Mr El is on Anti D's and is awaiting counselling and was dx'd with Aspie traits a few months back and I am the one who hold it all together, I suppose! I went through all my mourning and crying at the DX two years ago, I knew El was ASD and had kind of done all my acceptance, it other peoples refusal to see the reality which I find hard. I cry, like we all do at times, but I am very strong too. Coming here is therapy enough, you are all wonderful, giving, loving, inspirational people and I am happy to know you all! I just wanted a sound off and I feel a little better for writing/typing it out! I normally go to a big field or the beach and make loud shouty noises and stamp a bit, that really helps! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 .....and I can also reccommend wine and cake! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pragmatic Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks Pumpkinpie! <'> Mr El is on Anti D's and is awaiting counselling and was dx'd with Aspie traits a few months back and I am the one who hold it all together, I suppose! I went through all my mourning and crying at the DX two years ago, I knew El was ASD and had kind of done all my acceptance, it other peoples refusal to see the reality which I find hard. I cry, like we all do at times, but I am very strong too. Coming here is therapy enough, you are all wonderful, giving, loving, inspirational people and I am happy to know you all! I just wanted a sound off and I feel a little better for writing/typing it out! I normally go to a big field or the beach and make loud shouty noises and stamp a bit, that really helps! Dear ellisisamazing, I can identify with your situation very much Mr P was in denial for years and years and pretended that everything is going to be normal- He is convinced now (started a couple of years ago) that he is Aspie and I also think so; however, after being discouraged by his GP he is kind a put off the idea of being diagnosed :wallbash: I am still working on convincing him of getting diagnosed privately (I think he is welling now).. Even all of this he still expects S1 to behave and act as if everything is normal and gets frustrated if he can't do something and it is always me that has to step up and calm the situation then remind him later of the reality. I presume it is on your shoulder as well not to get frustrated yourself and keep reminding him (always in the nicest way possible). I think counsellings is great I had some myself and would love to see Mr P having some as well (I hope this will follow after we see a specialist). Just try to get yourself in the right stat of mind (I know easy said than done) Pragmatic Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elun1 Report post Posted July 23, 2007 <'> <'> Hi I remember reading somewhere when O was diagnosed that acceptance of autism is a little like moving through the grieveing process, denial, anger, depression, bargaining and finally acceptance (or something like that) The trouble is that your partner is often not at the same place with it as you so this can add to what is already a very stressful time. Apparantley you carry on going through these stages for a long time but eventually end up more in the acceptance stage than any other. My dh is similar and finds it hard to face. He will not talk about it a great deal still and O was diagnosed at 2 and he is 6 now. He still hasn't told the people at work. My sympathies are with you and be careful of always being seen to be the 'coper' I've played that role for so long now i don't know how to stop but really I feel in a mess a lot of the time. I just don't admit it often, except on here Gotta go as kids around, take care Love Elun <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pragmatic Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks Since I joined this forum I feel much better, it is wonderful to know that I am not alone in this situation. It is EXTREMELY hard sometimes but I kind of got used to it and trained myself always to look at the bright side and have FAITH. Take care and keep being strong. (we deserve it!!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SarahSH Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Hi everyone, not really got anything to add, just wanted to agree how hard it is sometimes when there's no-one to really share the full extent of it with. Thank goodness for this forum. It's a relief to hear how other people are getting through similar kind of things. ellisisamazing, you're doing great!<'> <'> Sarah Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 23, 2007 <'> Lisa <'> I'm whispering cos I'm at work So cant post now, will pm you xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 (edited) Hi Everybody, Thanks for all your replies!, I am really ok, honestly! This is the one place I know that can I be 100% at laying my cards on the table! <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> I had a few hours out by myself earlier, Mr El is on holiday so he stayed with the kids, while I took the bus over to Liverpool and had a few hours of 'me time', it was great......bought myself some new stuff, and went for a drink and read a newspaper (that doesn't happen often!) and I feel fine now....so good I have practically pushed Mr El out of the door, to join his mates in the pub, El is having a nap before tea and Ro is sat beside me creating a masterpiece! I will definately take your advice on board, and will consider counselling if I feel I need it! I also just had a chat on the phone with my Mum and we spoke about El and I told her how I am feeling and that she and my Dad need to face up to the reality that he may not do all things we wish for him, and she said she loves him just the way he is.......in a big spluttery sob voice!! .....I knew that would happen! Lisa xxx Love you Guys! Edited July 23, 2007 by ellisisamazing Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
forbsay Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Sending you lots of hugs. And yeh this forum is one of the things that keeps me sane! Forbsay Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Its just soooooo great here on this forum, Lisa your an inspiration ! <'> <'> <'> Clare x x x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Forbsay <'> Thanks! Clare63, what a lovely compliment! Thanks, but I think we are all special, we all do our best and we all have these extra special children that we all cherish no matter how hard life gets, at least life is never humdrum, you never know what's gonna happen! <'> Feeling Much Better, Thanks All! <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Forbsay <'> Thanks! Clare63, what a lovely compliment! Thanks, but I think we are all special, we all do our best and we all have these extra special children that we all cherish no matter how hard life gets, at least life is never humdrum, you never know what's gonna happen! <'> Feeling Much Better, Thanks All! <'> Yeap everyone here is really special to me, I think you are amazing !!!! Clare x x x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Lisa, sounds like you have reached a place of some sort of acceptance, and your dh and family havn't as yet. I also think that fella's do deal with it in a different way. My DH would absolutely not discuss our dd's with his workmates, although they are aware of their dx's. He wouldn't even think of sitting and chatting about it to our family and friends. He seems to be able to compartmentalise it. I know he isn't deluding himself regards their future, and he is very accepting that youngest dd for instance, will never be independant, due to the MD dx too, and it sits ok with him. I think I found that harder to come to terms with. The future scares the living daylights out of me, yet he is very "what will be, will be" sort of attitude. He does say that he feels sometimes our lives are totally submerged in autism. That is because the majority of people we meet and socialise with now are via support groups etc. I find he reacts negatively when we are faced with a situation while out and one of our dd's is proving to be challenging. We had an incident recently where we had to leave a pub we planned to eat at, because it was a long waiting time for food, and eldest dd became agitated. He got stroppy and stomped out of the pub, muttering and moaning. I'm usually a referree feeling like I'm dealing with 4 children, trying to keep everyone calm. I do wish sometimes he'd take control calmly, rather than stomping around like a toddler who can't have something. He says sometimes it just hits home, and he can't hold it in like me. I guess that's his way of coping, and overall he's a smashing dad. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks Bagpuss! <'> I agree totally with you on that Men deal with this stuff differently.....It tooks several months after El's dx before DH got angry, upset and had a cry, and when it happened it shocked the living daylights out of me.....he sobbed like a baby and I thought he would never stop. We were on holiday and we were all on the beach, and in the distance there was a father and son of a smiliar age playing with a ball, and bucket and spade, just having fun and that started the floodgates and all this emotion came out. It was the best thing that could have happened because until that point I thought his reaction was way too accepting, almost like so what? But it was just his way of dealing with it. I think deep down he does know the reality, but the fairytale is easier to keep in his head. He also used to fly off the handle when I would tell people that El was ASD, but I felt better saying, "yes, he is acting like this because of...." or " He can't talk because....", he also finds that I do the refereeing too, it is like telling a big kid to grow up sometimes isn't it?! He is a great Dad though and would do anything for his children, I just wish he'd open up a little more, but he is a typicals mans man who thinks he should be strong and silent! Our relationship has strengthened since El's dx, all the small stuff is not important anymore! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted July 23, 2007 I forgot to add too Lisa, that I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having pangs of "what if" with regards to our girls....I mean in terms of the usual mother/daughter relationship. It's as if you lose the fantasy child you created, and all the things you somehow "expected" to happen once you had a son or daughter, and you have to readjust to the reality. I know I could of had two girls who were tomboys, and therefore not interested in the usual girlie things anyway, but sometimes the most innocent of things can trigger it.....so I suppose a fella must somehow feel the same regarding a father/son relationship. My DH is the usual mans man too...........and is happier discussing footie scores than anything emotional. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 23, 2007 Bagpuss, I think it's normal to have the "what if" pangs, I know I did and still do in my most selfish moments! <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted July 24, 2007 I forgot to add too Lisa, that I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having pangs of "what if" with regards to our girls....I mean in terms of the usual mother/daughter relationship. It's as if you lose the fantasy child you created, and all the things you somehow "expected" to happen once you had a son or daughter, and you have to readjust to the reality. I know I could of had two girls who were tomboys, and therefore not interested in the usual girlie things anyway, but sometimes the most innocent of things can trigger it.....so I suppose a fella must somehow feel the same regarding a father/son relationship. My DH is the usual mans man too...........and is happier discussing footie scores than anything emotional. Ok, this may sound a little strange, and I am in no way being confrontational or dismissive of anyone here, but... I do have pangs of 'What if', but not about B. "It's as if you lose the fantasy child you created, and all the things you somehow "expected" to happen once you had a son or daughter, and you have to readjust to the reality." I have a talented and lovely daughter, who, as she has grown up has become her own person. That person hates history in all its forms, detests geography, especially physical, and is completely uninterested in nature. She also can't stand the classics of English Literature. So she doesn't enjoy any of the trips and activities that B and I love, hates Shakespeare and Austen et al, is indifferent to castles, archaeology, rivers, caves, the sea, woods, wildlife, you name it she avoids it. This is not the daughter I planned on having, and my lost visions of her accompanying me to the theatre or the National Gallery and me sharing the things that I love sometimes make me sad and wistful. It's OK to have those feelings, I have to accept her how she is, and recognise that computers, Manga and Mathematics are what drive her. And picnics on the common with her friends. And large roast dinners. But a little occasional 'What if...' does creep into my mind every now and then. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted July 24, 2007 (edited) I can understand where you are coming from Bard, and don't think your being confrontational. As I said, our girlies could of been two tomboys anyway, and disliked all the girlie things you assume will come with having a daughter. I know my DH cannot understand why our DS doesn't want to watch footie.......it's beyond him that any male might not like to live and breathe football DS loves playing footie, and going to watch it live, but as for sitting and watching a match on TV, forget it. I can see the look of absolute bewilderment in DH's eyes when DS rejects his offer to watch Match Of The Day together There are certain scenario's I assumed would happen when I had two daughters, and I've had to readjust. They are both wonderful girls, unique in their own right, but I can't walk past a girlie accessory shop without wishing I could take them in....that's just a daft example, but still, I do get a pang I also had a massive adjustment to make re our youngest dd, in so much that we will be her carers for life. I cried for everything she would NEVER experience, and it made not one jot of difference that she may have chosen never to get married, go to uni, leave home, have a career, have children, have a boyfriend etc etc anyway. The counselling helped me so much to come to terms with the reality of my life, as it is. Edited July 24, 2007 by Bagpuss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
V1971 Report post Posted July 24, 2007 I wanna give you a big {{HUG}} because I have been in your shoes. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted July 24, 2007 I wanna give you a big {{HUG}} because I have been in your shoes. Thank You so much, that was lovely! <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
