withdrawing more and more

[claire3005]

Hi All

 

just wanted to know if any of you have these problems?

My k is getting more and more withdrawn i dont know whether its because of the school holidays or what but he will just does not seem to want to leave the house no matter what.

It is starting to get me down

I havent heard from cahms about another appointment for about 2 months now and i really wanted to talk to them about having him asessed for asd!

When i do get him to go out it is with alot of arguments and tears and the whole time he id iut he walks around with his hands over his ears, i am starting to feel like a prisoner and my other ds whom is only 2 is missing out too.

Can anyone shed any light on this????

what can i do??

PLEASE HELP!!

I feel so depressed

Edited August 5, 2007 by claire3005

[Suze]

<'> , oh hun............hope you feel better today.My son goes through periods like this, he won,t go out for days, stays in his room, becomes totally obsessed with his obsessions, he tends to retreat into himself.He sits in front of the telly and does,nt even appear to watch it or hear you talking to him.Now he,s older he does talk to me about these times and he says it,s because he is worried about stuff, because stuff has changed ..ie school holidays(from the moment he boke up from school for the 6 wk hols he has been worrying about going back because of the new pupils and change)He also has,nt been sleeping well and we,d had to increase his melatonin.For my son I think it,s all related to anxiety brought on by change and the holidays.I find if I let my son dictate a little of what happens during each day ie what he eats wears etc, and if he feels like it where we go for a day out , he feels better as it gives him back some control over his environment and what he does.Best of luck suzex.

[mossgrove]

We have two ASD boys, and a son and daughter who are NT.

 

Both of the boys would stay at home most of the time given a choice, part of the reluctance to go outside of their comfort zone is beacuse the world can be a truly scary place for children with ASD's. especially if you are asked to go somewhere new and different.

 

There are no easy answers but some things that can help are:

 

Thorough preparation: Tell your DS exactly where you are going, who is going to be there, show him photos, give him as much information as you can.

 

Reassure him that he will enjoty it when he gets there. ASD DS (9) is now starting to realise that his major issue is with transitions not with the being out and about.

 

Buy season tickets: If you spend a lot of money on something like a trip to the zoo, if DS isn't coping you feel kind of obliged to stay because you have spent so much money to get in. If you buy a season ticket tyou can come and go as you please, and do enough visits for DS to become comfortable. If DS is having a bad day or it starts raining, you can come home. You can also plan to go just for an hour and build it up from there as he gets comfortable with the place. You will get overfamiliar with the place you have bought a season ticket for, but that is a price worth playing.

 

Remember that childtren with ASD's value spontenaiety less than other children: It doesn mean you can't change the plan, but you need to think carefully about the consequences.

 

I hope this helps!

 

Simon

[Bard]

Season tickets, we LOVE season tickets!

In the first week of any holiday, B and I do go out, but not usually to anywhere new. We visit familiar and loved places, then work up to doing something new. Sometimes he's confident and enthusiastic, other times he watches DVDs or lives in the bath. He's still having a school packed lunch in the box every day at 1.10pm.

We also do one day out, one day rest. It seems to give him time to process any experiences, and destress before trying something else. That said, we're going off for 4 days to Somerset, every day something different. But it's just him and me, self-catering and lots of quiet times in between the activity/noisy bits.

Edited August 6, 2007 by Bard

[aro]

My dd is sound sensitive and covers her ears alot. When she is out we often use a childs MP3 player to help her cope and reduce anxiety, some parents have also tried ear defenders for their kids.

 

A x

[Clare63]

Oh Claire,

How do I know where you are coming from, my lad too has seemed to have gotten worse and become more and more withdrawn since the holidays started. I feel awful for not taking him anywhere but he just does not want to go and to see him suffer when we are out seems so pointless to force him. So here we are trapped at home, as you say sooooo depressing. Perhaps you could see your GP and tell him/her how bads its getting and perhpas they'll have some influence to speed up the camhs appointment. In the meantime try to get as much support as you can, this forum has proved invalauble for excellent advice and encouragement.

Take care of yourself.

<'> <'> <'>

Clare x x x

Edited August 6, 2007 by Clare63

[lynyona]

Kieran as been exactly the same since he left school thats 5 years ago now.He very rarely leaves the house which i think his sad for him to be couped up all day but he prefers it that way as long as he s got his xbox and his dvds etc he s as happy as a pig in muck.But it does mean that we dont socilaise as a family as he is reluctant to attend any family functions which means some one mises out.Thank goodness i have older sons that i can leave him with otherwise we d not be able to go anywhere.When i tried to talk to kieran about going out more he says im not going out there to get killedthat must be how he sees outside a dangerous place.

[JsMum]

There is a lot of reasons why J doesnt want to leave the house, these been.

 

No.1 he doesnt want to really have t wear normal clothes ( this meaning clothes that r exceptable dresswear outside) and J struggles with having to wear certain clothes, left at home he can graze in boxer shorts or his other desirable but non co ordinating clothing.

 

No.2 He doesnt want to put on his shoes as there unconfortable and he is much happier bear foot, often in venues he takes these off, even now and he is ten,

 

No.3 doesnt want to wear a coat many reasons been may be restrictive in movement, makes a noise when he moves, and doesnt want to because I have said he has to so its come about control and power issues, (J is very oppositional)

 

No 4. J struggles with public transport only going on certain routes and services, doesnt like busy, crowded places, so going into town, or shopping, and places to entertain the kids are going to include all of the kinds of things your son dislikes if he is similair to J, add on strong lighting, smells, different interactio9n its a really destressing place.

 

For J I have come to comprimise, he chooses the clothes to a minimum, what shoes are going to be the most confortable, and what type of coat such as his mack in a bag, or a nice soft fleece, if we go t the shopping mall we will go swimming after or somewhere he can get rid of the energy.

 

I took J to a really peaceful coastal resort where it was tranquil, and the normal smells and sounds that he seemed to just absorb intensivly, he was intreaged with the shells and the sand, and entertained the puppy in the sea, he loved it, so its about mixing it in with things you know he will enjoy.

 

One thing I cant do with J is stay inside, he is just far to active and annoying as he becomes restless and starts to look for stimulation that often means that its going to involve behaviour that seeks attention good or bad.

 

I also understand that if we have been busy and our energy needs restoring then we have a slower day with plans in place for the next day that may mean shopping, or something he is going to resist in I can talk to him about it and where could we eat, have a drink, look at toys that sort of thing to get him in the mood to go.

 

J has a camera and he takes lots of pictures, this seems to help him keep him calmer and the dog goes absalutly everywhere to help with his anxieties.

 

Do you have a surestart and a homestart in your area as these could also support you practiacally with shopping trips and other days out, contact a family are also giving support in certain places of the uk too so do ring these too and they are very supportive for the emotional side of caring for a child with special needs.

 

JsMum

[MelowMeldrew]

It was/is a pretty common theme for our lad to have periods where he just will not want to go anywhere or do anything, he appears to need these 'times out' to recharge his batteries I think, we just have to go with them. It's nothing to do with the parent it is just what they want. Currently my lad has reverted to refusing to enter catering establishments (Caf�s/restaurants etc), obviously an issue if you are out for the day and feel hungry, because he doesn't like sandwiches or anything, usually we stuff him like a Turkey before we go out ! and when we put our foot down (Cos we were starving !), he still refused to enter, so we got seats by the window and he sat outside, there was no way to get him inside. The once we succeeded and ordered a meal, he suddenly decided not ! so we abandoned the meal and had to leave, he created such a fuss ! He hates sitting next to people and if they are near him he's off. He will ONLY sit with his father and no-one else too, we have issues if he uses a bus and there's only single seating we have to stand all the way because there is no way he will sit next to anyone, once, I decided to sit down and he shouted at the man next to "I WANT TO SIT THERE !", and the poor bloke got up and gave him the seat !

 

Autistics tend to like their own company best ! and despite what we are made to feel guilty about by 'experts' there's precious little you can do to change what is, necessary for them, that is to be apart from people. I think the fact we feel guilty and scrabble to include them is making things worse frankly at times, but we feel pressured don't we ? My son seems a lot happier when he is allowed to take this time out... and is calmer and everything... perhaps we should try forgetting what the norm wants.... what's that anyway ?

Edited August 7, 2007 by MelowMeldrew

[ASue67]

I struggle with M, he would prefer to stay inside on his own playing with his toys, watching his tv or on the computer. But even when he is inside he needs me around for reassurance and wanting me to do things with him. Then other times he wants to be completely on his own and will go mad if I talk to him or go near him.

If we do plan to go out it is done very tactfully and geared around making sure M is comfortable with what we are doing. If something happens and he doesn't like it then he will refuse to set foot outside the door (he did this last night when I had to take my eldest son's friend home, absolute nightmare............. he didn't want me to go into his friend's house when we got there!)

Lots of times Chris misses out on things because M doesn't want to go out or do something. Fortunately Chris is now old enough to bike to his friends and do his own thing but then I am left feeling trapped in the house with M all the time!

I am rambling on a bit but I suppose I am just trying to say that it is not just your son and it is nothing you are doing wrong. It is just the way ASD kids are and we have to find our own ways to cope with this to allow our other kids to be able to do things as well.

I don't know the answer.............. wish I did!!!!!

It is such hard work especially when it is school hols.

 

Big hug for you <'>

[V1971]

My son is the same way, he has been home for 4 weeks now and he's regressed and his noise tolerance is very bad, he covers his ears all the time and doesn't tolerate being with other children because he finds them noisy, I am pulling my hair out!

[Alyth_mum]

he covers his ears all the time and doesn't tolerate being with other children because he finds them noisy,

 

YS must have a degree of noise intolerance (especially certain new sounds/music) - he puts his hands over his ears ... he gets embarrassed if it's a comic song until he know it just about word perfect and prefers to listen in private.

 

If he hears ANY noise that he doesn't recognise immediately he asks for it to be identified.

 

If a new noise starts and it appears to be machine/equipement/vehicle based he will run and see it - fascinated.

 

He has to have a CD on a night to listen to in bed. He loves Meatloaf and Mozart (+ others)

 

However his own volume control is very poor - he can not talk quietly for more than about 2 minutes.

 

Louise

[MelowMeldrew]

I struggle with M, he would prefer to stay inside on his own playing with his toys, watching his tv or on the computer. But even when he is inside he needs me around for reassurance and wanting me to do things with him. Then other times he wants to be completely on his own and will go mad if I talk to him or go near him.

If we do plan to go out it is done very tactfully and geared around making sure M is comfortable with what we are doing. If something happens and he doesn't like it then he will refuse to set foot outside the door (he did this last night when I had to take my eldest son's friend home, absolute nightmare............. he didn't want me to go into his friend's house when we got there!)

Lots of times Chris misses out on things because M doesn't want to go out or do something. Fortunately Chris is now old enough to bike to his friends and do his own thing but then I am left feeling trapped in the house with M all the time!

I am rambling on a bit but I suppose I am just trying to say that it is not just your son and it is nothing you are doing wrong. It is just the way ASD kids are and we have to find our own ways to cope with this to allow our other kids to be able to do things as well.

I don't know the answer.............. wish I did!!!!!

It is such hard work especially when it is school hols.

 

Big hug for you <'>

 

My partner (his mum), gets very frustrated about going places, the holidays we decided she would go on her own with friends while I care for the boy, this gives her time out, but not me ! then she comes back saying she doesn't like going without me... she says I have settled too comfortably into caring for the boy ? We use some holiday respite via SS, but it is days out a few times in the summer, but that still prevents us going anywhere on our own because he doesn't go anywhere until 10-30am and is back by 3pm, thus giving no chance of a real day out anywhere, you hang about wait for him to come back or have a quiet drink locally,all the 'action' and socializing is of an evening, that's not been possible for near 12 years.... I've almost forgotten what socializing is.... how do you prioritize ? it is a daily balance between partners needs and the child, and of course the child wins every time. I don't resent anything, just sad we don't have more options... what would we do with a whole WEEK to ourselves ! it's never happened since he was born.... the very most was 46 hours when he was much younger with a half-sister, they called us and said they were terrified, he wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't talk, wouldn't use the toilet.... I traveled 50 miles where he was staying and brought him back home, all then was sweetness an light ! so using extended family was out too, he wouldn't go with it... how the 'system' could change anything I don't know, I see many many years ahead where nothing will change, my life is his that's it...