ASue67 Report post Posted August 11, 2007 It is my friend's 40th birthday party tonight...... she is 40 next Thursday and I am 40 the Thurs after. Lots of kids going to the party so given that I have no family close by to babysit and struggle to get anyone to babysit who can cope with Mike I decided to just take the boys with me. Got all dressed up and make up on............... Mike says to me, you're not my mum dressed like that. I don't like you with stuff on your face and not wearing your jeans!!!! Great start!!!! Got them sorted and packed bag with extra drinks and some biscuits plus Mike's gameboy and some games. Arrive at party and Mike says can we go now. I found a quiet corner away from the disco and most people, got him a coke and told him that he could sit and have his drink while I talk to my friend's. Chris (NT) quite happy running round with the other kids who are there and has made new friend! Basically Mike has harrassed me and been so wound up about being there that we left at 8.30pm. I have left Chris there and another friend is dropping him off later cos he was quite happy. I am now in my PJ's, Mike is in his room watching dvd and happy again. Am so pissed off............ Paula was kinda sharing her party with me as well so I could have a good time and I am now stuck at home. Didn't even get to have any food or anything!! Mike just can't cope with anything when we are out........... I did feel sorry for him when he was sat on his own. A couple of the kids did ask him to come and play with them but he just didn't want to know. He didn't see what was so good about running round!!!!! Is it always going to be like this????? I feel sorry for him but at the same time I am so frustrated that I am the one who has to do without things so I can accomodate how he is. I must sound really ungrateful cos it is my job to look after him but I just feel so upset at the moment.................... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cariad Report post Posted August 11, 2007 Part of looking after an ASD child, it is a daily challenge. I try to tie in DS going out with the helper and taking the other two children out to things the DS doesn't like and would tantrum all the way through. Can you get any help for your child like I do, a few hours respite? I get some through my social worker.. Sorry your night didn't go so well.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted August 11, 2007 oh so sorry it can be hard work cant it. I find when we go out with the boys i get so stressed sometimes i just dont enjoy myself. Could you get a babysitter next time? Hope you feel better soon <'> <'> Brooke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
llisa32 Report post Posted August 11, 2007 Hiya, sorry you had a disapointing evening <'> , I can well understand how you feel, I'm lucky that I have family close by who can look after mine. It must be really hard looking after the kids with hardly ever getting a break, and as I've joined the 'over 30's' club with you this year, I know it's kind of a landmark and would have been really good to let your hair down just for a couple of hours. You're not being ungrateful, you're a loving mum who's acknowledging that she's disapointed, so don't beat yourself up about that - it's only natural. If I had noone to look after J now and again I think I'd drive myself mad, and if I hadn't managed to do something for my birthday I would have felt just as disapointed as you do now. Is there anything you can arrange a couple of months forward?, just thinking it might give you time to find a way of getting a family member to babysit?, or are you a member of any local support groups you could maybe swap babysitting favours for? Mines the same if we take to him anything like that...if I get him there its when can we go home..or..he turns into the human cannoball and gets worked up into a frenzy and chases every kid in the room! Couldn't count how many invites I've turned down when I've had no babysitter and people have said thats ok...bring J..Part of me thinks, yes, I will..lots of other people take their kids to these sort of things. But then I remember that 9 times out of 10 it's just not worth the aggro - which is a shame cos it almost feels like giving into the situation...But everynow and again I will take him to see if theres any improvement, or if I get extra time for good behaviour! But I think you were right in taking the kids along tonight..there was always a chance that he might have enjoyed himself which may have made the next invite easier to . It's hit and miss with my son, he'll be 8 in October, and sometimes he's fine at these things, others a complete nightmare and ruins whole evening/day. Try and have a chat with him about it tomorrow and see if he'll tell you what he disliked the most..it maybe that sensory wise it was all a bit overwhelming, and even though nothing specific was bothering him, he had enough and needed to go - so maybe you can agree with him to a longer time limit for next invite and explain that sometimes grown ups need some 'playtime' too etc etc - apologies, if you don't think your son would go for that..just suggesting as phrasing it like that to my son did seem to 'click' I gave up ever saying I'm going to the pub...cos apprently only 'daddy's' do that! - obviously I corrected that particular thought! Please don't feel too sad tonight, I know you are really disapointed and rightly so...sometimes we just want what everyone else seems to have - instead we have something slightly different, and sometimes that difference makes us sad for a variety of reasons, as well as happy on a number of other occasions <'> Take care Lisa Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted August 11, 2007 <'> Asue <'> it wont always be like this. Honest. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ASue67 Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Thanks for replies. Mike was asleep by 9.30pm and has been up since 7.30am dragging me out of bed! Chris had a great time at the party, my friend brought him home about 11.15pm!!!!! Am going round to see Paula (who had the party) this morning. Have told Mike we are going and he is kicking off about that now. He is really funny about going in other people's houses................ god, so many issues!!!! Have told him he can sit in the car and wait but that I am going anyway! Am going to a Christmas do with work (already booked) on 19th Dec and I think I am going to have to see if my dad will come and stay over night so I can at least enjoy something!!!! Thanks again to everyone and sorry about moaning!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted August 12, 2007 (edited) Mike says to me, you're not my mum dressed like that. I don't like you with stuff on your face and not wearing your jeans!!!! Well, that struck a chord! I've got silver hair and wear vanilla perfume because B totally freaked out when I last coloured it and became hysterical. He can cope with simple flower-based perfumes, or vanilla, but expensive brand perfumes he hates. I've told him that when he leaves home to live in his castle with a moat, I'm going to dye my hair in alternate purple stripes...he's thinking about that one. Arrive at party and Mike says can we go now. I found a quiet corner away from the disco and most people, got him a coke and told him that he could sit and have his drink while I talk to my friend's. I can do that with B now he is 12 1/2, and with a DS and food/drink, he can last about an hour. If he's in a quietish spot and no-one talks to him. I could get another hour if they had a garden and I'd bought a small torch. Am so pissed off............ Paula was kinda sharing her party with me as well so I could have a good time and I am now stuck at home. Didn't even get to have any food or anything!! <'> <'> Oh yes, we know how that feels! A combination of resentment and frustration, where you want to stamp your feet and scream 'It's NOT FAIR!' You are posting to those who understand and sympathise. Is it always going to be like this????? I feel sorry for him but at the same time I am so frustrated that I am the one who has to do without things so I can accomodate how he is. No, it won't always be like this. Just like when you have a baby that feeds every 45 mins, or who never sleeps. He will grow up, and you will be able to leave him with a babysitter provided they follow your instructions. And eventually, you may be able to leave him alone whilst you push off for a weekend to Stratford ( like Pearl did with JP! ) I must sound really ungrateful cos it is my job to look after him but I just feel so upset at the moment.................... No again. You sound like the rest of us! Edited August 12, 2007 by Bard Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ASue67 Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Thanks Bard!!! It is nice to know others understand what I mean and have been in similar situations. I do get some time to myself when the boys go to their dad's so I do get to do things without them being around, but there have been so many times (like last night) when the boys are with me and I can't risk leaving them with a babysitter cos Mike wreaks havoc all the time so I end up not going out................ Some people have stopped asking me now cos they think I am making excuses which just makes me feel even worse. I just get frustrated cos I can't seem to do anything right with Mike.............. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Sorry it turned out to be such a rotten night. It does seem unfair but that's just how it is with our kids, they can't cope with the social events that 'normal' kids take in their stride. This was a big, important night for you and maybe you placed too much emphasis on that. Perhaps you could gradually desensitise M to this kind of event over time, by taking him for half an hour, then an hour, and gradually increasing the circumstances so that he becomes more able to cope for the full evening. I suppose the only way you'll know best how to help him cope is by finding out what was so difficult for him on this particular occasion - was it the noise, the people, or just the fact that you weren't dressed like Mummy and you had stuff on your face? There's always a reason, the hard part is finding it and acting on it. Try not to beat yourself up about this. It's hard to juggle everyone's needs at one time but you didn't do anything wrong. There will be other nights to enjoy as your kids get older, but I do appreciate that won't help with missing out on this one. Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ASue67 Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Thanks Karen! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Lovely post Bard. There was a time, ASue, when we didnt go out as a couple for two whole years, because no one would babysit for us more than once, and we ran out of people to ask! Actually there were a couple of sterling friends who would, but we didnt like to ask them too often, & before we knew it, whoosh, 2 years had gone by. And like Bard said, we are now in a postion to escape for the weekend. We did just the 1 night at Stratford, this September we are planning on two somewhere for our anniversary. Still in this country. Next year, we are going to try abroad. Life is starting to open up a little (about b****y time) Another pm on its way to you later xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Hi ASue, Sorry your night was ruined, but you make sure you go on that Crimbo do, you deserve to let your hair down! <'> I know how you feel to an extent, in the past we would never be able to go to social events beacuse El would just scream, everybody would stare and we would just leave cause we got so fed up of trying to explain and excuse El's meltdowns, and then the sympathetic looks would start and irriate me, cause we just wanted to be normal! ...er, what's that? Anyway last year we finally had a breakthrough....my Mum and Dad decided to finally get wed after 30 plus years and well, I wasn't missing that for anything! We attended the wedding from 11am-4pm, then went home so El could rest and recharge, and then went back at 7pm-11.30pm!!!!!!!!!! This was a massive event for El, but he loved it. We discovered he loved Disco lights, dancing and removing his top and stimming/boogieing with older ladies while he danced like a rhythmless DAD!!! We practically had to drag him off the dancefloor, and it was lovely......loads of friends and family saying how sweet he was and if we ever wanted babysitters they would help!.........if only they knew the truth! We have since done a christening and my uncle's 60th, El was so taken by the cabaret singer that he lay on the stage on his belly watching the act, up close and bit too personal (the singer was great about him!) But, as unpredictable as ever...as his birthday party a fortnight ago, he hid in the car for the first hour...think he was overwhelmed! Take Care, and do something nice and fun for YOU! Lisa xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ASue67 Report post Posted August 12, 2007 Have PM'd you back Pearl!!!! Thanks for your reply Lisa!!!! Mike didn't really cope to well at his birthday party this year either!!!! The babysitter I had been using when I was going to college to do my NVQ has been extremely tolerant with Mike but he has got worse over the last 6 months. The last time she babysat she rang me to say that her and Chris were in the utility room cos Mike couldn't find a toy he wanted and was trashing the place.............. when I got home it was like a bomb site! How do you get a babysitter when you have child who is prone to temper tantrums like that!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted August 12, 2007 ASue, Gosh, that sounds pretty scary! Oooh, maybe I'm only experiencing the CALM before the STORM?! But, yes it is sooo hard trying to find a sitter you can trust and who you can ensure can handle any difficulties isn't it?! I have my parents close by, so they help out when we need a break for a few hours, and also in the past I found I didn't want to leave El with anybody....I felt like I was abandoning him, so didn't have a night out in two years! Then last year we started by going out for meals out, and my folks would sit in our house whilst we went out, then this year we have had a weekend away, I went on two overnight hen nights and a weekend away at a wedding, the kids loved being with the Gramps and we loved being R & Lisa for a short time....no child talk was allowed! Be Brave and try again! You are doing a great job, I take my hat off to you and other single mums....Keep Strong! <'> Lisa xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
