My mum

[Tally]

My mum told me yesterday that she is going to a support group for parents with adult children with AS/ASD. Yesterday I thought, "good for her," but today it really hurts.

 

Am I really that hard to cope with? Even though I don't even live with my parents? Or does that just make them worry more? Did I, as a child, cause her emotional problems that she wants to talk about? Am I still making her feel bad now?

 

I know I am being silly, but I hate the thought of her telling people how difficult I am. I know she deserves support, but I hate that I have made her need it. I wish I knew what I do that makes her feel bad. I don't really have anyone else to go to if I can't go to her.

[brooke]

Im sure you dont make her feel bad Tally, maybe she just wants to make some friends and feels this is a way of doing it as they will all have something in common. That would be why i would go to a support group (if i did) certainly not to talk about my son negatively. Maybe you could have a chat with your mum explain how you are feeling or write a note if your not good at explaining in person im sure she will reassure you <'> <'>

Edited October 25, 2007 by brooke

[pearl]

<'> Tally <'>

We all need support, I'm sure your mum didnt mean it in a negative way. These days on the rare occasions I go to mine, I feel like an elder stateswoman with all the parents of younger children there. And they just love to hear the positive stuff about JP. I bet your mum is sharing some really good things at her group too. The stuff we are proud of, parents of NT children often dont "get", so its great to share that stuff in an understanding group.

 

PS

Mums always worry, no matter whether their child is young, grown up, AS or NT. Its our job

Edited October 25, 2007 by pearl

[baddad]

Hi tally

 

100% agree with Brooke -

One other thing I think is really improtant to consider is that i'm certain your mum has a wealth of experience she wants to share and that she is justifiably proud of your achievements too. I'm sure she wants to crow a bit as well!

Another thing - moaning: it is universal that parents 'moan' about their kids, husbands,wives,dogs,cats, etc and has nothing to do with AS whatsoever. it's just what people do

As a single dad I can't begin to tell you about the amount of times i've sat at a 'support group' meeting on autism and listened to nothing else but wives moaning about their partners or NT kids, the dog, the cat... etc. AS is just part of that 'moan culture'

(BTW when blerks attend these sort of meetings they moan just as much about the things that bug THEM, so please don't see this as an attack on wimmin!)

 

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited October 25, 2007 by baddad
just saw pearls post, and 100% agree that too!

[Bard]

My mum told me yesterday that she is going to a support group for parents with adult children with AS/ASD. Yesterday I thought, "good for her," but today it really hurts.

 

Am I really that hard to cope with? Even though I don't even live with my parents? Or does that just make them worry more? Did I, as a child, cause her emotional problems that she wants to talk about? Am I still making her feel bad now?

 

I know I am being silly, but I hate the thought of her telling people how difficult I am. I know she deserves support, but I hate that I have made her need it. I wish I knew what I do that makes her feel bad. I don't really have anyone else to go to if I can't go to her.

 

I didn't join this site because I find B difficult to cope with, I wanted to learn more about ASDs from people who know rather than books.

He's no harder to cope with than my daughter, just in different ways. Finding out from the huge range of people available to talk here has really opened my eyes in so many ways to things I hadn't realised or understood.

And I know I'm about to generalise, make sweeping statements etc, but I'm a parent and a teacher with more than 2 decades of very variable experiences with parents and children. So, here goes...

Parents worry about their children, even when those children are adults or even parents in their own right.

Parents carry emotional baggage about things that they have done, not done, choices they made.

Sometimes they talk about it, sometimes they feel guilty and sometimes they pretend that it never happened. Sometimes they think that their experiences can be shared, useful to support other people going through similar things. I belong to a parenting forum where the help ranges from pregnancy to Senior citizens, with partners and the whole range of parenting experiences in between.

Perhaps your mother will hold you up as a beacon of hope to those who are currently struggling

'Look at my Tally and the wonderful person that she is'

Maybe you could talk to her. If you go to her when you've got troubles and she helps, that sounds like a good relationship to me. Especially if you show her in some way that you appreciate the support.

[mossgrove]

Things to not have to be going badly for a support group to be a good idea.

 

Even when their children have left home most parents do not 'switch off' and tell themselves their job is done.

 

I am sure they would like to help and support you in any way that they can, even if you feel you are managing perfectly well.

 

Research suggests that most adults with ASDs find issues like familes and emplyment to be difficult areas, in your case this seems to have gone pretty well, and it is entirely appropriate for your parents to 'compare notes' with others and pass on experiences.

 

Simon

[DaisyProudfoot]

Tally, I think it's lovely that you care for your mum and did initially think "good for you"

 

We're all a worry to our parents whether we're one year's old or 71 year's old. Mums and dads never stop worrying about their children and at the same time they never stop being proud of their children either.

 

Just like on this forum she'll chat to people about her good times and bad times and share the happy moments of which there will be many I'm sure.

 

I'm still a worry to my mum even now and she always complains that I keep all my health problems to myself and why don't I talk to her when all I want to do is not worry her too much

 

Support groups are a great way to meet new friends who share similar lives and that's why people go not because their lives are so horrible they can't cope.

 

As one famous mouse once said: "If growing up were so easy it wouldn't take so long."

[bid]

Tally <'>

 

I know that after my dx my mum said she felt guilty that she hadn't paid more attention to me when I was a child (I was very quiet and good).

 

She was also sad about some of the things I have gone through recently that I hadn't told her about because she was busy with my dad, and then he died, etc.

 

So it may be that kind of thing that your mum wants to share with other parents.

 

Bidx

[Flora]

Tally

 

It can only be a good thing.

 

I come here for support in helping my son, but not because I think he causes me trouble, but because I want to do everything I can to help him, and that's what your mum probably wants to do for you.

 

also, it's good that she wants to get involved; my own mum who is very supportive as far as my children are concerned will not even discuss my AS and refuses to believe it. As far as she's concerned I was a difficult child, am at times a difficult adult, and that basically I'm just stubborn, difficult etc etc. Saying that, in some ways it's a good thing because it means I've had to find ways on my own with getting on with life. And while I acknowledge I'm dysfunctional at times I have more or less just got on with it.

 

don't see it as a bad thing, see it as a good thing.

 

flora <'>

[Lynden]

Hi Tally

 

I'm another one who goes to support groups but just because I want to be able to talk to people that understand about autism - I dont find Logan particularly difficult (yet!). I will say though as a Mum of a youngster, I find talking to Mums of older children and adults a big big help because it gives you some insight of how things might be.

 

((hugs))

 

Lynne x

[Tally]

I know . . . I just feel like it's different for her than for people here because it's about me. I know that's silly, but I can't make myself believe it yet.

 

I am angry with her that she didn't do anything when the possibility of autism was brought up by my nursery and primary schools. I don't want her to feel bad about that because I know she did what she did for the right reasons, even though she can see now that I missed out on support as a result. It's not something I can talk to her about because I still feel hurt by it. I can't say the right things to her about it yet.

 

My dad also has quite significant autistic traits, and she still has to live with him even though I have left! Maybe it's him who she really wants help to 'cope' with

[Bagpuss]

Tally, I think it's a hugely positive step by your mum. She seemed to me at the Newcastle meet up as being extremely interested in chatting to us parents about our experiences and children, and also those adults who attended who were dx AS. I never got the impression she felt any negativity towards your dx at all, or you as an adult. She may feel she can offer help and support to parents with much younger children, and may also feel she has lots to gain herself by attending. Maybe she hasn't opened up to you about it fully, and she could have feelings that have gone unresolved from your childhood. The more knowledge she has of AS, the better a position she is in to be able to understand and support you.

 

<'>

[Mumble]

I don't know you well Tally and I don't know your Mum, but having support and knowing that she values you as who you are must be wonderful. I don't really understand what you mean by it hurting, but I don't think she wants to hurt you, just meet people with a similar interest - could you go to a group with her - would that help you to understand why she's going?

[TuX]

Tally,

could it be about wanting to make sense of it all? or is she very experienced on it already?

if it helps her to learn anything she did not know about self and asd,then it could help long term.

she could be one of those mums' who completely denie the ASD exists,because they might see admitting that as meaning it's their fault.

it's good that she's accepting it in this way?

 

 

ps.beautiful tortie in av.

Edited October 25, 2007 by TuX

[baddad]

I am angry with her that she didn't do anything when the possibility of autism was brought up by my nursery and primary schools. I don't want her to feel bad about that because I know she did what she did for the right reasons, even though she can see now that I missed out on support as a result. It's not something I can talk to her about because I still feel hurt by it. I can't say the right things to her about it yet.

 

Hi tally -

 

at the risk of sounding completely wet and drippy - and feel free to throw a bucket of water over me if that is the case (God, i really love labouring a metaphor)...

Have you thought about writing down how you feel? You don't ever have to give it to your mum, but if it's all there on paper, sealed in an envelope, it can feel as though you've gone someway to doing so, and it would probably help you to organise and understand those feelings a bit more (?)

I'll put my trunks on just in case (now there's a scary thought)

 

L&P

 

BD

[tsmom]

Tally

I chair a local support group.You may think i need support because of my daughter or the lea or other peoples attitude ,i dont.I need to be around people who have the same goals as me ,i need to be able to say my daughter went into the cinema and the people im telling understand why im so proud.I need to be able to feel that im doing the right thing for Tori and that she through the group can meet other kids with aspergers and not feel shes odd.

 

Tally your mom sounds like a wonderful lady who is proud of her child and as so is happy to go and tell strangers about how proud she is and of all the wonderful things you have achieved in spite of having asd not because of it.

 

Our group have days out with the whole family parents kids with asd and siblings we even has young cares (kids who care for their parents).All the kids get on they understand we are all different and encourage the differences because we are who we are and we stand tall together proud to be us.

 

If only more people where like your mom.If only more people with ASD where as lucky as you to have a mom who is not afraid to say my child has asd and im proud. <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Stella63]

Hi Tally

 

I totally agree with whats been said. There are a lot of parents out there who are not prepared to listen or understand what is going on with their kids maybe because of some old fashioned notion that it is somehow their fault. Anything your mum does that is proactive has got to be seen as a positive thing, whatever she learns from it, it means she has an open mind (and it maybe that she has huge feelings of guilt because deep down she knew that something was different with you but because the information wasn't readily available, she ignored it).

 

I know my mum had huge concerns with my brother in the 1960's and she was convinced that his behaviour was related to things he was eating and drinking,like squash and sweets. She was laughed out of the doctor's surgery and the school and made to feel completely stupid!!!

 

Unfortunately she died before we realised our kids were ASd etc, my brother also died and I would love more than anything to be able to talk with her about my kids and similarities with me and my brother when we were young. My dad, I now realise is very ASD and Tourettes and although he takes on board what my kids have, he cannot relate it to himself!!!

 

I know it is impossible for anyone to be in your mum's position but I would interpret it as a kind of olive branch - she made mistakes when you were young by denying that anything was wrong but she maybe now realises that and is trying to do something about it by educating herself and being with people who are also having to deal with it. The next step will hopefully to share her experiences and understanding with you.

 

Hope that makes some kind of sense - feels a bit rambling!!!

 

Stella xx

[sesley]

My mum told me yesterday that she is going to a support group for parents with adult children with AS/ASD. Yesterday I thought, "good for her," but today it really hurts.

 

Am I really that hard to cope with? Even though I don't even live with my parents? Or does that just make them worry more? Did I, as a child, cause her emotional problems that she wants to talk about? Am I still making her feel bad now?

 

I know I am being silly, but I hate the thought of her telling people how difficult I am. I know she deserves support, but I hate that I have made her need it. I wish I knew what I do that makes her feel bad. I don't really have anyone else to go to if I can't go to her.

 

Maybe as you are now successfuly grown up and have got through your challenges, to arrive at your achievement,your mum will be in a valuable postition ,she is now a expert and a understanding one too,to support parents like us with young children who have yet to get to your age and maturity,for many of usthe future is like a minefield,we have a undiscovered country to explore of what kind of future our children can achieve,because,we are still in the primary stage of learning the right support and education they deserve,to become independent grown up suceessful people like you. So good on your mum

[Tally]

She was kind of disappointed that no one was bringing their children to the Newcastle meet because she really wanted to meet autistic children, and she just had too much to do when we had the Greenwich meet, but she seemed very happy when I told her that people had mentioned doing it again next summer. The only autistic child we knew when I was a child was quite severely learning disabled and I was very different from him. Maybe if she was looking for similarities she might have seen some, but she didn't realise at the time.

 

I do know she's not doing any of this to upset me, it's probably actually for my benefit, but believing it is taking a little bit longer. It's helpful to read your reasons for seeking support, thank you for sharing them