Heartbroken Mum

[xevex]

Any parents out there that have had no alternative but to place their teenage son/daughter in care (due to their aggressive, abusive, violent behaviour)until a suitable residential placement can be arrange for them ?

 

I haven't posted here for such a long time but would be grateful for any input.

[soraya]

Our son Nick has got so bad lately with refusing school and violent behaviour that we had to ask ss to put him into care, as i am on the point of having a breakdown. However our ss have refused to take him, saying they can only put him in care if we hit him and not the other way round!! We are fighting for a residential placement but that has been refused also by the LEA. No one seems to care, Nick runs away and threatens suicide but ss wont do anything. I know it is hard, but dont feel too down as your child will be getting the help he needs, <'> <'>

[Clare63]

I am so sorry.

<'> <'> <'>

[baddad]

Hi Xevex/soraya -

 

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to offer...

Just wanted to say that when these things happen it's no more the parent's fault than it is the child's, so try not to be hard on yourselves. Sometimes things are just too big for one or two people to be able to handle it all on their own. I think it takes a huge amount to admit when that point's been reached, but that really is the better option than trying to push the situation beyond what is possible.

 

Very, very best

 

L&P

 

BD

[Suze]

<'> , you must be struggling at the moment, I don,t know your circumstances but just want to say that I hope you and your family get the support you need and that things can improve for you all soon.best wishes suzex

[bid]

Hi Xevex/soraya -

 

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to offer...

Just wanted to say that when these things happen it's no more the parent's fault than it is the child's, so try not to be hard on yourselves. Sometimes things are just too big for one or two people to be able to handle it all on their own. I think it takes a huge amount to admit when that point's been reached, but that really is the better option than trying to push the situation beyond what is possible.

 

Very, very best

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Everything BD has said <'>

 

Bid

[Tjololo]

I don't have any experience of this situation myself but what surprises me is Soraya's post: '...our ss have refused to take him...'. If a parent/parents are unable to meet the needs of their child(ren), then how can SS refuse to help? On what grounds can they walk away to leave a child with unmet needs?

 

I hope things improve for you very soon <'>

[xevex]

Thank you all for your kind support...

 

My son D is 15yrs old he was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 4yrs, then when he reached 7yrs he was also diagnosed with ADHD. He was prescribed Ritalin the Concerta when he started high school (main stream)

I am a single parent with 2 other children a daughter 17yrs and younger son who is 12yrs I had coped with my sons needs until he reached the age of 14yrs then hell broke loose.

D started associating with the wrong crowd, he was drinking, using cannabis, refusing to attend school over all his behaviour was appalling. Everytime I tried to carry out consequences to his actions he'd through these horrific tantrums, on numerous occassions he police had to be involved, after about the 6th time of involving the police I ended up having him charged with breech of the peace and vandalism in the home.

We ended up attending a childrens panel meeting where my son was put on a supervision order. Around the same time he refused to see his Dr who had wanted to see him to discuss him coming of his ADHD meds and start meds (Risperdal) for his anxiety, eventually he did agree to see his GP who was able to prescribe his new meds. Life at home calmed down considerably much to my relief, D was coping with his anxiety so much better.

The usual problems where still there but with the support from the CHAD team and my sons CPN we were plodding along.

 

The drinking and cannabis use started again this year and he was still not attending school full time so the CHAD team and his DR recommended that this past summer he was to take part in the Radical programme he refused point blank.

 

Around 3 months ago home life was just awful again, I had no parental control over him at all. Because of his drinking and cannabis use his DR took him of his Risperdal, within a week his anxiety peaked, he started staying out late, a few occassions he stayed out over night, he behaviour at school was not appropriate. After about 3 weeks of being completely of meds the school he sometimes attended excluded him as he assaulted another pupil in a extremely violent way.

The same week he went out with friends and got very drunk and ended up fighting, the police were involved and he was charged with a breech of the peace.

After bringing him home that night I asked him to go to bed but no D wanted to go on the internet, I stuck by my guns and as consquence to me doing so my son punched yet another hole in his bedroom door and he assaulted me. The police were called and they took him down to the station, I refused to have him back home that night.

Social Services placed him in a childrens home over night the following morning he was taken to Cumbria where he started on the Wilderness Experience programme, he was there for 10 weeks. His Dr then suggested he was to start back on his meds( he was at more of a risk being of them than on them)He refused.

During his time away he was allowed home over night to begin with then 2 nights, he came home for good about 3 weeks ago.

 

The Wilderness team were still involved for the first 3 weeks he was home, they provided 24hr support, they actually rented a flat in my home Town it was amazing that that SS funded it.

2 weeks ago the Cannabis use started again, I discussed the dangers of using it as did his social worker and the Wilderness staff. As usual D knows best and ended up using it again this time in his bedroom. A consequence for this was that he wasn't going to be taken to a skate park which was a reward for him attending college 2 days a week on the school plus programme and for good behaviour. The day I told him this along side one of the Wilderness Support team, my son kicked off, shouting and swearing at me, he was very intimidating,

If the Wilderness staff member hadn't been here I would have had to have called the police.

 

The following day he asked me if he was going to the skate park the following day I said no and that we had discussed it the previous night. D then started shouting etc and smashing things at home. The police were called but as I didn't want him charged again they said they'd make sure their report was put in to SS first thing in the morn. The Wilderness team worker spent 3 hrs with us then went off to go get something to eat. Within 2 hours my son assaulted his older sister after rowing with her over the TV.

 

The police were called, he assaulted one of the police officers, he was arrested , I refused to have him home so he was taken to stay with the Wilderness staff that were doing the 24hr outreached.

He's now back with Wilderness until SS services can decide and if they can fund for D to go to Spark Of Genius which is a residential school/ home for kids with Aspergers/ADHD.

There is a multi agency meeting tomorrow morning.

 

Since he left last week I haven't had any contact with him which hurts really bad, I did write him a letter though which I hope he reads.

 

Really at this stage of my sons life I feel that if he doesn't get help with coping with limits, change disappointment and most importantly this aggression he has he will end up in a young offenders

unit which basically is crime school. I want my son to have a life a good life. I miss him so much and hurt for him.

Sending my son away has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life I pray to god my son doesn't hate me for it.

 

xevex

Edited October 30, 2007 by xevex

[annie]

<'> Xevex <'>

 

My heart goes out to you. I really hope that something good comes out of tomorrow's meeting .

 

Annie

xx

[xevex]

Thank you so much Annie

[loulou]

Hi xevex,

 

<'> <'> I really hope your meeting goes well. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty, you've done everything you possibly could (and more).

 

My son is only 9 (ADHD/AS) and he is really violent. I am losing control over him and he's so defiant. I am considering residential school for him becuause I am struggling to cope. It breaks my heart, but on the other hand i am frightened of what he may do (i am on my own with him and my baby 90% of the time) and I think he'll get worse as he gets older.

 

I really feel for you . Keep us informed,

 

Loulou xx

[xevex]

Thank you so much Loulou

 

I'm worried sick here about my sons future, I spoke to his social worker today and she had been in contact with the Childrens Reporter we have a panel meeting on the 12th Nov, she says that D meets the criteria to be put into a secure unit which scares me senseless as it will D. SS says that as D has a disability then the panel members should take this into account and agree that he should be placed in a unit that caters for youths with Aspergers/ADHD. The facility Spark Of Genius which is only about a 2hrs drive from home is ideal. SS have been in touch with them and they have agreed to have D so now I'm just waiting anxiously to find out if the multi agency members, childrens panel give the go ahead for it and that SS will fund it.

 

As I said in my first post I haven't used this forum for quite a long time, I appreciate being able to use this as a means of support. It's so good to discuss matters with people who understand and are/or have been through similiar circumstances.

 

xevex

[Karen A]

Hi xevex I read through your last couple of posts and felt desperately sad for you. <'> <'> It is so obvious that you are an extremely caring mum attempting to do the best in a very difficult situation.

 

I do not profess to have much knowledge regarding advocacy for young people with disabilities in the criminal justice system.However there are two organisations that may be helpful.

''Young minds ''have a web site and provide telephone advice.The charity supports young people with mental health issues rather than AS as such.However they have been involved in issues around the detention of young people with mental health problems and so may be helpful.

The National Autistic Society also have a web site and provide telephone advice -they may well have experience in supporting parents in your situation.

 

I really hope that the panel agree and that ss agree funding -so that you both get the support you need. <'> <'> Karen.

[xevex]

The outcome from yesterdays multi agency is that they all agree that a Secure Unit is out of the question phew !!! It would scare my son senseless, it was agreed that he will be placed in a specialist residential school that will cater for his needs. Two out of three who decide if they are going to fund it have agreed, we are waiting on the third to make their decision.

I spoke to my sons Wilderness key worker and he says that he's alot more settled this week which is a huge relief to me.

We are going to set up for me to have contact with him soon, I haven't spoke to him since he left last week although I have written to him. I felt that had I called him he would have become extremely anxious and beg to come home, it must be so hard for him to understand that the reasoning why he is away, he has no insight at all how his actions affect others.

 

I'm feeling a bit more positive as I know that this choice I have made for my son will benefit him in the long run, what I am finding really hard to cope with is this ache in my heart I feel, I do miss him so much.

 

Thank you all so much for your support.

xevex

Edited November 1, 2007 by xevex

[allie]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

My heart goes out to both you and your son. It comes through in your writing how much you love him and I hope things are resolved quickly for you.

Allie x

[Karen A]

<'> <'> <'> I am so pleased that there was an agreement that a secure unit was out of the question and that the panel are keen to cater for your DSs needs.Others here have been through the grief of coping with a child going to residential so you are not alone in finding it hard.Karen.

[Kathryn]

Xevex,

 

I can only imagine how tough this situation is. Glad to hear the meeting went OK and that in principle at least, the specialist placement has been agreed. Fingers crossed that the funding is agreed soon.

 

I hope in the meantime your son is happier and calmer and you are able to get back in contact with him very soon.

 

<'> <'>

 

K x

[Frangipani]

Xevex,

 

I can only imagine how tough this situation is. Glad to hear the meeting went OK and that in principle at least, the specialist placement has been agreed. Fingers crossed that the funding is agreed soon.

 

I hope in the meantime your son is happier and calmer and you are able to get back in contact with him very soon.

 

<'> <'>

 

K x

 

ditto <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Eve, I just wanted to say that I am glad there is some light begining to show, I think the secure unit would not of been the right enviroment at all.

 

You are doing the right thing for your child as hard as it may seem right now and I think he will thank you for it one day, it really sounds like he is not coping and the taking cannibis is like an escape for him i.e. it makes him feel better I know quite a few teenage ADHD children thatthink it's the answer to their prayers without realiseing the side effects. You are right your son needs specialist help.

 

I just want to wish both of you all the best and hope things get sorted out for you both soon, take care

[xevex]

stressedmumto2 Thank you....

 

 

Today has been a good day, I went to see my son Meeting up with him went really well, I thought he'd be extremely resentful towards me but he wasn't at all. He even allowed me to put my arms around him without him going rigid straight away.

He was a puzzled as why his sister didn't visit he really doesn't realise that what he did to her was a terrible thing to do, I do hope through time he will realise that you shouldn't hurt the ones that love you and that she can forgive him.

 

It really hits home to me just how badly affected he is with Aspergers

 

Hopefully on Monday there will be some news about his Residential placement.

 

Thanks again for all your support

xevex

[loulou]

Hi xevex,

 

I'm really glad you had a good day and saw your son. It must have been nice to give him a hug <'>.

 

for today, hope it went well.

 

Loulou xx

Edited November 5, 2007 by loulou

[stressedmumto2]

Hi Eve, glad the visit today went well with your son <'> <'>

 

Hopefully you'll be able to have some good news soon <'> <'>

[xevex]

The funding has been approved, I am so relieved. D's social worker called this morning, medical reports from my sons Dr and CPN etc have been faxed of to the residential placement . All going well we will be able to visit next week. That's one hurdle over.

 

I spoke to Wilderness this morning D's been quite animated and hyped up but other wise he's doing okay. I sent some marvel magazines and bits and pieces to him this afternoon he'll be pleased about that. I've still to arrange a day to see him this week, I miss him lots.

Thanks ever so much for all your kind support.

Eve

Edited November 6, 2007 by baddad

[Clare63]

So pleased for you Eve, it all sounds very encouraging.

Stay strong.

 

Clare x x x

[Karen A]

Great news that the funding has been approved.Karen.

[elun1]

<'> <'> Just got back from being on holiday so only just read this. My heart goes out to you. You are doing all the right things by your son but you must really miss him

Elun xxxx