Another Big meltdown!!!

[Enid]

Hi all, DD had a serious meltdown, lasting an hour, which is relatively short for him as they can go on for hours, but there was no reason that I could see for it, he was very very violent and we and him would have been seriously hurt if not for the fact my 18yr old son came home. Its 11 days since the last one, was just starting to relax, and then this, I feel I have to be on red alert all the time, he hit me and punched me loads of times and trashed his room, when I got out of the room he barracaded himself in and said he would hang himself, DD1 arrived home then and got his arm through door, which was promptly bitten, badly, just feel like I can`t take any more, the 2 little ones are again traumatised, I ache everywhere with the effort of trying to stop him hurting us and himself and smashing everything. Had meeting at CAMHS on friday who say he is on right medication, 1mg resperidone twice a day, 50mg Equasym XL. We would be zombies on that! So no help, but what an earth am I going to do when he gets bigger, he is so strong now, sorry for moan but all traumatised by suddeness and ferocity of metldown. Enid.

[Karen A]

Enid. I will delete one of the threads as you have started two.I think there must be gremlins today as this happened earlier with somone else. Karen.

[oxgirl]

So sorry Enid, how awful for you all. <'> What was it that set him off, do you know?

 

~ Mel ~

[Enid]

No Mel, that whats so awful, It seems to be nothing these days, we had had a lovely day, he was slightly hypo, but then he often is! He is definately getting more violent and unpredicable, god knows where it will all end. Enid

[soraya]

Hi Enid, my son Nick was really bad from 12-14, l think puberty has a lot to do with things, he is much calmer now although we still have meltdowns but we dont have so much violence. stay strong sending lots of <'> <'>

[KarenT]

There's ALWAYS a reason, but sometimes it's not obvious.

 

With J 'unexpected' outbursts come from a combination of things that he'd cope with fine on their own, but put two or three together and it's emotional dynamite.

 

You said he was already 'hyper' before this episode began. Perhaps something minor on top of that was the final trigger. What did your day involve - you said you'd had a lovely time but was it something he might have had difficulty coping with, under the surface? Hormones won't be helping either.

 

Karen

x

[JsMum]

Hi Enid big hugs <'> and to your oldest who helped it cant be easy having a sibling behaving so distressing, so hugs to them too, and your littlies too, its does sound very difficult and maybe some help at home may be a thought, we have ss a care worker to support J in the evening, could you request an assessment.

 

I agree with Karen, there is always a trigger, and mostly when there is a combination, also when J has gone throw a good phase and suddenly he kicks off then its brought back to me how bad it can be, before when it was every couple of days you get use to living off the stress, but when they begin to cope with things again you relax and your not as ready and personally it hits you more.

 

I have got J a weighted blanket for times of sensory overload, I know a lot of kids would hate something heavy on them but J loves it and it calms him down, I strongly recommend one, we got ours for �85 here in the UK so pm me if you want the website.

 

I hope that camhs can help you futher.

 

JsMum

[Enid]

HI , Thanks for all replies, we had been out walking the dog on the beach which is something we do most days, I had an ss assessment when things got soo bad between xmas an new year, in fact that was the very fisrt time he had ever had meltdowns or been violent, and at the time it was so excessive that he was put in a respite centre for a period of assessment and because we couldnt physically control him at home. I had a letter from ss recently saying the 3 month period of assessment had now ended and they were closing the case. I would LOVE some help at home, anyone out there single, strong, like kids!! just joking! I have emailed address from this site regarding direct payments and received a reply giving me a different email address, have had no reply yet. I would love to have weighted blanket but during meltdowns he trashes everything, and not sure how sturdy they are!!! Enid

[purplehaze]

Hello my 14yr old son is EXACTLY the same and I feel for you. I am a single parent of 2 with my son and a 16yr old daughter and it is so hard.

 

I do believe it is made worse when hormones kick in. My son use to be like this when he was younger and then gradually it calmed down and wasnt as often but now its started again but a lot harder as he is bigger. He has pulled his bedroom door off, punched holes in doors/walls, hit/pushed me/sister and most of all throws things at me or just wrecks things. After he is very calm. Does this sound like your son?

 

I have been recently looking for support and there doesnt seem to be much around. However I work with children with SEN and have more contacts than others may have and I have been given a number of someone who is supose to be very helpful from the NAS so I will let you know if this turns into any useful support.

 

I am considering social services but im not sure!

 

I too am looking for a single lovely caring man who can work wonders with ASD children

 

Sorry I havent helped much but i'm deffinately here to listen

[Enid]

Well it made me laugh so that helps!! I had no choice when ss got involved as J was taken away by police 3 times in a week, So they got in touch with me, very embarassing as I actually worked for them for years! Yes it does sound just like my son, yesterday he barracaded himself in room tho, which if he does it again when I am alone I will have to get help as am scared he may hurt himself, Enid.

[JsMum]

Enid it may of actually of been the police who refferred you, the police on a day they came to J said what on earth is going on, where is your support, they couldnt believe we had to resort to the police, the mad thing is we still have to get the police if J is a risk to himself, or me. and I wont do that, one time they came they had J on the floor exhausted with fear, he was truamatised because they are just not trained in children with emotional, mental and Autism

 

I wont be ringing the police in the meantime we are under great pressure but we have been using sensory and planning stratagies a lot and we have had private support and we do now get SS support but that is with complaints because I dont see how its fair to let families down, and even though we do have their support they are never available when things kick off, its not the greatest of services but at least we do have some support.

 

I would of thought that the Assessment unit he had his assessment and treatment would of ensured that you would of had a home support package including SS, they worm there way out of everything, closing your case doesnt seem right when he was having assessments, they should be supporting your family as a whole, especailly as you have younger children to consider, I really would write a complain and request your family be assessed again.

 

JsMum

[purplehaze]

I'm suprised the police did anything, I was told to phone the police when my sons behaviour was so agressive and I did once when he jumped out of his bedroom window. They were no help at all. In fact they didn't even want to speak to him (by the time they came he was back home) and they sounded quite wary of the ASD and the unknown. I think they thought if they went up stairs to talk to him he would grap hold of them with one of his many arms and gobble them up in his huge grotesque gapping mouth which was dripping with green slime (just incase your not sure what the heck i'm going on about, I think the police think ASD means your some sort of alien).

[Kazzen161]

The weighted blankets are not used during meltdown, but before the child gets to that stage - to help them calm down.

 

There is nothing you can do once the child has got to meltdown stage (apart from making sure his room is always safe).

 

If you can learn to pick up the early signs that your son is getting stressed/anxious (and they could be very subtle eg: red ears, tapping a pencil, kicking off his shoes, general hypie-ness, a "fizzing" in his eyes), then you can put in place calming down strategies, to prevent him getting to the overload/meltdown stage. To start with you will need to point these signs out to your son, but over time he will learn to recognise them himself.

 

What does he find helps him to calm down? Listening to music, reading, lavendar oils, cuddling up in a duvet, a session with his obsession?

 

The book "Aspergers Syndrome and Difficult Moments: practical solutions for tantrums, rage and meltdowns" by B Smith Myles and J Southwick is very good.

[JsMum]

The weighted blankets are not used during meltdown, but before the child gets to that stage - to help them calm down.

 

There is nothing you can do once the child has got to meltdown stage (apart from making sure his room is always safe).

 

If you can learn to pick up the early signs that your son is getting stressed/anxious (and they could be very subtle eg: red ears, tapping a pencil, kicking off his shoes, general hypie-ness, a "fizzing" in his eyes), then you can put in place calming down strategies, to prevent him getting to the overload/meltdown stage. To start with you will need to point these signs out to your son, but over time he will learn to recognise them himself.

 

What does he find helps him to calm down? Listening to music, reading, lavendar oils, cuddling up in a duvet, a session with his obsession?

 

The book "Aspergers Syndrome and Difficult Moments: practical solutions for tantrums, rage and meltdowns" by B Smith Myles and J Southwick is very good.

 

You are very right, weighted blankets are not for moment of a rage/meltdown but they are a great tool to give security, we only realised that J would benefit from a weighted blanket after I was restraining him almost everyday, he actually enjoyed the pressure applied and so we looked into weighted blankets, you have to experience one to understand the pressure you get from one, I totally feel that having Js weighted blanket has reduced the restraint.

 

His blanket is very heavy and its never been a target in a rage, its pretty robust too, the american types are even stronger but very expensive.

 

I would never dream of dowsing him with the blanket in a rage, I actually cant go anywhere near him, but its something thats available once the rage subsides, he is pretty withdrawn after a rage, so he enjoys the comfort, its more a pre and post treatment, not a during.

 

we are making J a safe room and in there is nothing but mattress, calming colours and lights, music and sensory.

 

If you cant provide this because of lack of space then remove as much as possible from his bedroom for a short period until other stratagies can be put in place, we are working on a couple of anger management books too and absaloutly recommend these as helping your son express will lesson the suicide thoughts, or at least help him vent his feelings without going to the point he wants to harm himself.

 

I would say that he still needs urgent support and I would keep a detailed diary, noting everything, behaviour, diet, fluids, bowl movements, interaction, mood, and keep a ABC chart, this is really good for pin pointing the trigger.

 

The sensory and processing and planning support is throw a private source, if you PM me I can share more.

 

JsMum

[Enid]

Just posted reply but its not arrived on site, gremlins again? To say ds had serious meltdown again, read about sensory rooms etc but how on earth do you get them there!! he started in lounge tapping feet, glaring at us, got 2 littles upstairs and locked doors so he couldnt run out, big mistake as when he got me they couldnt get help, he was very violent again and got me cornered, I pressed quick dail on mobile in pocket and ds1 burst through door 5mins later, ds3 and dd screaming on stairs. It cant go on, but we have no support, am scared that if I ring ss or police adain, they`ll take him away for good. Watching eastenders now in his pjs as though nothing`s happened. Hope things get better soon. Enid

[purplehaze]

Hello, sorry to hear it's happened again. Do you know what caused it this time?

I think you should leave him because you may be fueling the behaviour if you stay in the same room. I know when my son has a meltdown if I stayed in the same room he would be much worse because he wouldn't be able to calm down.

 

What I do if I see it coming is I try to remove objects that may be dangerous without him noticing (you may need to do this all the time as a precution), I lock the front and back doors etc and go and sit somewhere (sometimes in the bathroom).

 

What has been helping me is a book called 'the explosive child' by Ross E Greene. Also try out this website. Foundation for children with behavioural challenges

 

http://www.fcbcsupport.org/ (America)

 

http://www.thecbf.org.uk/

 

Although they may not be able to support you it depends on your child's needs. You may fing some resources to help.

 

Hope things get better for you X

[Enid]

He had wanted a 99p toy from shop, and I used the no word! At least I think it was that, I did lock doors and left him alone for some time but he starts trashing lounge and he knows this will get a reaction, I walked through calmly with a pile of washing in my hands, ignored the kicking of furniture and foul language and appalling threats but did not go to kitchen as he would lean against door to stop me getting back or put something against it! then I cant get to the little ones, he is soo awful when he is like this that its like he`s possessed. He then backed me into corner and punched me a number of times. He`s fast asleeep in bed now with his bit of blanky that he sleeps with, so we live to do it all again tomorrow. Enid. PS have just ordered all books recommended from amazon on express delivery!

[JsMum]

Just posted reply but its not arrived on site, gremlins again? To say ds had serious meltdown again, read about sensory rooms etc but how on earth do you get them there!! he started in lounge tapping feet, glaring at us, got 2 littles upstairs and locked doors so he couldnt run out, big mistake as when he got me they couldnt get help, he was very violent again and got me cornered, I pressed quick dail on mobile in pocket and ds1 burst through door 5mins later, ds3 and dd screaming on stairs. It cant go on, but we have no support, am scared that if I ring ss or police adain, they`ll take him away for good. Watching eastenders now in his pjs as though nothing`s happened. Hope things get better soon. Enid

 

 

Again like the weighted blanket the safe room wouldnt be a seclusion type room where you chuck your kids in when there a raging bull, its a pre and post gap, its providing the child a place where they feel safe and secure and nips the explosion in the bud, or after the destruction its a room they can get some space that is safe, we are kitting the room with sensory equiptment, but no furniture and the room is not a punishment, Im hoping if its inviting he will voluntary go and use the space, I dont vision me physically carrying J anywhere so it would have to be him taking the early triggers as an idication.

 

I totally understand you may not have any room in your home for a safe room, but for us this is an option soon and we have Js summer house for tempary which got us thinking about a more permanant feature.

 

I really dont know what I would do If I had other children and you have very young children, for me they would have to be my first concern and in that respect I would call the police if I had any concerns that they could come to harm, J is an only child and I dont have to think of others but I think if there was other children I would have to really think about the consequences if it continued in the same degree of violence and rage as your son.

 

JsMum

[Enid]

Its all I think about,I have 4 children, but 1 of them is ruling life in the house and out of it, its not just the youngest 2 who are affected, the oldest, who is a big strapping lad, but a very gentle soul, is driven by the fact that something might happen to me while he`s out, and its a very real possibilty that it might, the youngest, who was 6 on saturday, has developed an awful habit of blinking all the time, which I am sure is stress, and the 9 year old, god love her, reads to the 6yr old when it all kicks off so he won`t get upset, but how do you chose between your children??? when you love them all with a passion, and how could you sleep knowing you had chosen to give up on one of them? sorry, its late, I should sleep while I`ve got the chance, things always look better in the morning. night. Enid.

[JsMum]

Its all I think about,I have 4 children, but 1 of them is ruling life in the house and out of it, its not just the youngest 2 who are affected, the oldest, who is a big strapping lad, but a very gentle soul, is driven by the fact that something might happen to me while he`s out, and its a very real possibilty that it might, the youngest, who was 6 on saturday, has developed an awful habit of blinking all the time, which I am sure is stress, and the 9 year old, god love her, reads to the 6yr old when it all kicks off so he won`t get upset, but how do you chose between your children??? when you love them all with a passion, and how could you sleep knowing you had chosen to give up on one of them?

 

Hi Enid I hope you have gone to bed, but incase your up, I didnt for one minuet indicate that you must choose which child you give up, its clear that your son needs help and support, and you are doing an absaloutly fantastic in helping your son, but it sounds like things are going to get to crisis again, and in the meantime someone could potentially get hurt, I only ment that If there was younger children then I would have no choice but to protect them too, and I know your family is under emence stress and worry, I havent ment in anyway to anger you into thinking that you now think I dont think you protect all your children, even your oldest.

 

I really dont know what I would do in your situation, it was just me thinking what I might do, but I am not in that situation, but I have called the police with J, I know how hard it is.

 

 

sorry.

 

JsMum

Edited April 7, 2008 by JsMum

[Kazzen161]

If you can catch your child early enough, you can tell him calmly that he needs to go to his room to chill out for a while. If your child does not like losing it/hurting people (ie; regrets it afterwards), you can explain that you can work together to try to prevent it, and that when you say he needs to go, he should go to his room and do x, y or z.

 

It is not easy - I have been there. I remember calling the police once when T was particularly bad (though in hindsight, I can see I didn't handle him as well as I coudl have because I was exhausted). I made the police give me an incident number, and I called SS the next day and quoted the incident number, to try to force them to do something, but they didn't do anything useful.

 

I remember several times locking myself and the Twins (who were about 6 at the time) in my bedroom. The Twins soon learnt that there are times when it is best to keep out of T's way.

 

I remember having to always have the front and back doors locked for a time, as T kept running off.

 

I bought the boys a wendy house, but T took it over and made it into his "shed". He put his tools in there and spent hours in it doing "jobs". I let him have the bottom part of the garden, and he spent many an hour (regardless of weather) digging yet another pond. He now has a full size shed, and goes off in there to make things. He liked taking electrical things apart, so we would go to the dump and get broken things for him to dismantle - that kept him calm. He also liked listening to story tapes/CDS (he still does) and sitting in front of the electric fan heater with it on hot (he still does - it drives me mad!).

 

My son had problems with always wanting to buy something when we went in a shop. I always used to say "You haven't got any money to spend, so you can't buy anything in this shop" but he just found it impossible not to buy something (even if it was only a 2p sweet!). After many years, he progressed to saying he woudl stand outside the shop (because he knew he would want to buy something if he came in) to now being able to go in and not buy something. I remember twice having to physically manhandle him out of the shop, because he refused to leave if I did not buy him what he "needed" (some pond liner once and some gravel the other time!). It was not easy - he was about 10 at the time - but I was determined he was not having anything.

 

From reading what you said, it came over that you are frightened of him. If he knows this, it will make him worse, so try to pretend that you are not, even if you are! You removed the little ones and locked the doors, which probably gave the message to him that you were expecting him to lose it. If you can get him used to going to chill out (by doing it when he is not especially stressed/agitated to start with), you could have sent him to his room as soon as you came in - not in a nasty way - but to chill out - just as we like to come in and have a cup of tea and sit down.

 

I was watching the Dog Whisperer yesterday and it reminded me of how we need to be with our children. We need to give off the message that we are in charge and that we expect them to do what we tell them - with confident body language and a firm, calm voice. Also, if we are upset/stressed, our children pick up on this and it makes them feel anxious, which makes them worse.

 

I hope today is better.

[Karen A]

Hi Enid. <'>

I hope you all have a less stressful day today.

I felt reading the thread this morning.I remember all of the stress you had last time when DS was in respite care.

It is so frustrating that so much support was put in short term...for three months and then there were no long term plans for support.

It did not take a lot of thought to figure out that with the emergency respite that was needed last time things would not just get better after three months assessment.

I was just wondering.....and may be way off the mark.Last time you needed emergency respite was it during the school holidays ? If so could that be a factor ? Karen.

[Enid]

Hi Enid. <'>

I hope you all have a less stressful day today.

I felt reading the thread this morning.I remember all of the stress you had last time when DS was in respite care.

It is so frustrating that so much support was put in short term...for three months and then there were no long term plans for support.

It did not take a lot of thought to figure out that with the emergency respite that was needed last time things would not just get better after three months assessment.

I was just wondering.....and may be way off the mark.Last time you needed emergency respite was it during the school holidays ? If so could that be a factor ? Karen.

 

Thank you so so much for all your replies, I will take it all on board, you would probably find It hard to believe that most of my working life was spent working with children in the care system!! I usually remember to have doors locked at all times so it did escalate it when he saw me locking them, but whatever I do to calm him dowm just seems to delay it, sometimes I think I`ve done it then I hear doors banging and kids say he`s stating again. It was holidays when he was at his worst last time, so maybe its that, I am just so glad to have found this site as it really helps to know you are not in it alone, cheers. Enid

[Karen A]

Enid I thought it might have been bad in the holidays last time.Perhaps something like the different routine or the fact that the other family members are around and the house is busy is causing DS to get unsettled.

I wonder if it might be worth asking for provision for the holidays...something like holiday respite,support worker to work with DS or a place in a specialist playsheme or mainstream playscheme with support for children with aditional needs.

Another possible option if the other children are finding life with DS very stressful may be to consider a playscheme for the others for some of the time.

I know that is not ideal .... my elder son was not keen on organised activities and I did not feel comfortable with elder son having to go elswhere to have a break...but it might be an option.

There are groups for siblings of children with AS in some areas where they can take part in social activities and meet others in the same situation so that might be another option worth investigating.Karen.

[Enid]

Hi, We live in the back of beyond so no playschemes round here, CAMHS are writing to ss to ask them to reopen case and support us, perhaps with a carer a coupe of evenings a week, these seem to be the worst times. He is usually worst in his own home, but whilst staying with family a few weeks ago, he was the same as at home after a few days, very worrying. I have emailed the address given on this site re direct payments but no reply as yet, I would even consider paying up front but dont know anybody who could cope with him!! thanks again everyone for the support, it means a lot. Enid

[oxgirl]

Enid, would it be possible to encourage your lad to do something extremely physical when you can see that he is about to blow, would he be able/willing to expend some aggression and energy in this way? It sounds silly, but the best thing I've found is to get a magazine or newspaper and fling it flat as hard as you can against a wall, use every bit of strength to fling it. It makes a very satisfying noise as it hits the wall and takes an awful lot of energy and releases pent up aggression. Do it over and over and over until exhausted. How would he react if you were to talk to him when he was calm and try and agree together that you'd do something like that together when he was getting stressed. If you were to start off maybe he would join in and you could keep doing it, or something similar, together until he was spent and he might feel a lot calmer afterwards. Otherwise, would he jog on the spot or pound on the sofa or something equally physical?

Sorry if this sounds like a stupid idea, I can't begin to imagine how it must be for you. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Enid]

no its a good idea, bought him a punch bag for same reason, trouble is, he is so lovely and reasonable when he is not like it that he always agrees to suggestions and then he wont entertain them when he is, I will try the newspaper idea though, especialy if I do it with him, anything is worth a try as I am in great danger of losing my lovely son. We are all off for a walk with dog now and so far today has been great, but so were last two days till 6ish. Enid

[smiley]

Enid <'> <'>

 

Just wanted to let you know you are doing a good job, in very difficult circumstances. <'>

 

I'm sat here in bruises because my son has just had a meltdown - so i know how it feels <'>

 

Something that my sons CAMHS team said to me the other day rang a bell when i was reading this thread. They were saying that M (my son, 9, AS, ADHD, Tourettes, OCD, Dyspraxia & SID) has 'memories' of when something has happened that has upset him - they described it as the memory being in a bubble and the smallest thing would make him react instantly in an exposive way as the memory has re-surfaced. Ie; he'd previously been very upset by someone making a noise he felt was painful to hear - now if a child taps their pencil on the table at school - he would instantly attack them, although that small tap wasn't painful to him.......... Make sense? There are other reasons for his meltdowns, but this one rang a bell for your boy.

For my son it makes it very, very difficult to address. It's nigh-on impossible to find each and every tiny trigger, and as he cannot remember the incident, or how he felt during the lead up to it. He isn't able to recognise or describe any emotion or opinion. It makes any strategy very difficult to put in place - as he simply cannot asess that when he's heading for a meltdown.

 

Saying all that though......... i try to aviod the things that i know will set him off, and prepare him for the things we can't aviod. There usually is a trigger - some are obvious, some much harder to find. Is it always 6ish? Is that less-structured free time? Can he cope with that? Is he tired? Anything that will help you to record the 'whens' and 'hows' is really helpful, like an iceberg planner or an ABCC chart. It's amazing what becomes obvious once it's all written down.

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/content/1/c4/84/19/ABC%20chart.pdf

[Suze]

Just reading this thread , I can relate to everything, its so hard sometimes.I,m very often caught in a balancing act,I have to give my son as much space as possible and not interefere with his "processes", and planning.My boy maps out stuff all the time in his head, ie what he wants to eat, watch on telly etc.Where possible I try to conform and let him do it his way.He finds it very difficult to come off his route/path of thinking once he,s on it.A few upsets along his path during a day and he,s usually steaming for a blow out ..............we usually have anxieties all night aswell and no sleep.Last week he was awake all night constantly fretting and weeping.

 

.............my 2 younger kids go to their own rooms all the time no one says anything or looks at him , if we aknowledge his bad mood it makes him 10 times worse, and sometimes gives him the green light to blow.Hope you have a better day today, thinking about you all going through this <'> its so hard , best wishes suzex.

[purplehaze]

Hi, We live in the back of beyond so no playschemes round here, CAMHS are writing to ss to ask them to reopen case and support us, perhaps with a carer a coupe of evenings a week, these seem to be the worst times. He is usually worst in his own home, but whilst staying with family a few weeks ago, he was the same as at home after a few days, very worrying. I have emailed the address given on this site re direct payments but no reply as yet, I would even consider paying up front but dont know anybody who could cope with him!! thanks again everyone for the support, it means a lot. Enid

 

 

hi Enid, hope things are better for you and your family today.

[Enid]

Yes! all quiet on the western front, a lovely quiet day. batteries recharged, ready for next time, thanks to everyone for taking time to reply, it means a lot to know youre not in this alone. Enid