changing his attitude (or mine)

[Flora]

Hi

 

this could be complicated to explain so I'll try to keep it concise.

 

I have no doubt that Bill is feeling homesick when he's at school and obviously he's going to feel wobbly after going from over a year of no school to weekly residential. He hasn't done a full week yet because obviously we are building him up to that gradually (aiming for full week after half term).

 

However, I'm now losing patience with him because to be honest I don't think he's even trying a tiny bit. Nobody is expecting him to meet them even half way, but a tiny step in their direction isn't too much to ask is it?

 

He has said to me tonight that he is 'feeling nervous about going back to school next week', and each time I've chatted to him about it, reassured him, and all the rest, but on the third time I said to him well there's nothing more I can say to him about it. I told him 'there is nothing to fear at this school, it is the right school and it will work and he will be fine and will eventually get used to it and feel comfortable about being there'.

 

As a result of this stance I can feel the rumbles of a melt-down coming on, probably not tonight or tomorrow, but will possibly erupt on Sunday or Monday.

 

I'm going to stand firm by this. I know that mainstream was a nightmare for him, but he is now in the best possible environment to get an eduation and receive some much needed therapy, so am I being unreasonable in beginning to lose a bit of patience (I haven't shown him that, I've just been firmly encouraging IYKWIM). I love him the whole world but I do believe I'm beginning to suffer from compassion fatigue!

 

I know I'm going to have to apply a bit of firmness in getting him to at least take a step in the right direction, but could do with some advice or something, and maybe a bit of reassurance that I'm not just being an old witch! I know I'm in for a bit of a bumpy ride now that I'm not going to entertain his, increasingly obvious manipulative (IMO) moaning!

 

Flora

[llisa32]

Hiya - no you're not being an old witch <'>

 

I had a similar situation with J at the start of term after xmas this year..after a lot of work and a lot of discussions it was agreed by all adults (and teachers and ed psych) that J would swap form classes - he'd been hating school and school refusing with panic attacks etc prior to that.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from when you mention compassion fatigue...it does get really wearing having to keep reasuring, and standing firm on the decision when the kiddie is constantly finding things wrong with the decision - I managed to keep my sanity and ride J through it only by contstantly keeping in mind the Ed Psychs words...'It's all anxiety based, keep calm and reasuring and eventually he will settle back in'

 

J had a couple of huge meltdowns during one week...and then suddenly all was well...eventually he realised it was much better than before and that we weren't all just trying to 'trick him'.

 

I noticed with J that if I ended one of my 'it will be much better' statements with anything that sounded 'final' that seemed to rile him up - so I just tried really hard to be casual but reasuring...and then whenever I got the chance I changed the subject - Ed Psch said to just make it seem as casual as possible - Ie...yes...it's a change...but some change is for the good...it will definately get better...and so would you like yr fav dinner for tea!! - if you get my drift

 

Fully understand how you feel - hopefully things will settle down in a few weeks <'>

 

Treat yrself to a glass of something!

[Enid]

Flora, when you said compassion fatigue I wanted to jump up and cheer but would have spilled large glass of red Have spent what seems like years since taxi episode on Wednesday, talking to ds about why his behaviour is not acceptable, and why the driver is not as friendly, and why he has to sit in the back and why the driver cant buy him ice-cream/do nuts any more He, like your son is not even meeting 25% of the way, He was also out of school and at home with me for nearly a year, and is finding it difficult now, he is not away at nights but school is an hour away and he is out of the house for 8 hrs, the others are at the school I work at, across the road, so he feels left out, I have told him that if he cant cope with this school he will have to go to residential, he is saying, oh thats because you like the others best etc etc etc, I have talked and talked and talked to him tonight and he says he was in the right to open taxi door as driver was shouting, I have decided to ask community police officer to talk to him as this is the second time and I cant think what else to do. so Flora and the rest of you cheers and <'> Enid

[Kathryn]

Flora,

 

Yup, compassion fatigue I can understand - I get it regularly.

 

<'>

 

Not sure what you can do in addition to what you're doing. Except look after yourself in between looking after Bill- you've spent so long tuned into his needs and getting to this goal, I hope you can you use the time he's at school to do things for you, things that take your mind off the situation, and stop you worrying.

 

K x

[Clare63]

Flora,

 

Oh no, I so wanted the fairy tale ending for you. Afraid I don't have any advice and I know one day soon we will be in the exact boat as you.

 

I guess that all can be done is to stay strong and focused keeping the new routine going and hope that one day very soon he settles.

 

Thinking of you ~ <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[baddad]

Hi flozza -

 

No, not an old witch at all Sometimes, the 'negotiation phase' becomes 'manipulation phase'... he knows how much you worry/care about him, and he knows the guilt trip he's putting you through (if you think I'm wrong, don't hesitate to tell me, but from everything you've said in the past about Bill there aint no flies on him...). It may genuinely be that the residential thing is much harder for him than you/he anticipated, but at this stage he really hasn't given it a go at all - and until he does neither of you can possibly know. It can be really, really hard and play on our minds, but sometimes we have to just curb our instincts to be 'good' negotiating, considerate parents and just say this is how it's going to be for now. The thing is, at ten, he can't possibly know what the consequences of this going pear shaped are, even if he does appear to. Sometimes our desire to treat our kids as equals and to offer them choices leads us to overlook that they are just kids, and that some choices really are beyond their emotional and intellectual grasp. Sometimes we have to make their choices for them.

Hope tomorrow goes okay, and that any storms that do come along turn out to be of the 'in a teacup' variety....

 

very best, as always

 

[Flora]

Hi

 

(first off... Baddad, you keep getting Bill and Ben mixed up Bill is 14 and is the subject of this thread, Ben's the younger one who is at the local primary school... easy done, hope you don't mind me pointing it out... ). Everything you said is so spot on. He knows fine well what he is doing and is playing on my weaknesses. However, I've moved on from the phase of 'woe is him' and hopefully that will be what makes the difference.

 

Well he's gone back in the taxi today no probs, I've just waved him off. We had a long series of discussions yesterday evening/night which might have got through to him the enormity of the situation.

 

We went through every thing that he finds 'wrong' with the school. All of which were rational problems, quite understandable and easy to rectify. When I pointed this out and explained how each one could be put right, well that wasn't good enough of course was it? We then got to the crux of the matter which is that he would really rather be able to sit in his bedroom each day and night making videos and games to upload to youtube and doesn't really want to go to any school.

 

I said to him that if he continued like this, the choice would be taken away from him, because after 3 months if the school didn't feel that he was making progress and that he didn't want to be there they could withdraw his place to offer to another child who would be able to benefit from what they have to offer.

 

At this point he looked quite pleased but I then spelled out to him the consequences of this. Some of which are that his life might feel different now, but if he were to leave this school, for whatever reason, it would become unrecognisable in that neither he nor I would retain controll over his life. Other people would step in and make decisions which he nor I could influence because we had tried to do things our way and had failed. He got really angry and frustrated at this but that was my intention, because I wanted him to realise that leaving this school would not be to go back to the way things were before. In fact if he wants to retain any semblance of what his life was like BEFORE the school he'd be better off staying there.

 

It was a bit of a more detailed process than I've outlined above. I spent ages spelling out the consequences of his actions and the effect they could have on his choices for the rest of his life and that it was now up to him to take the steps to benefit from the fantastic opportunity that has been place in front of him.

 

So he's gone back today and I can't even pretend to be sorry to wave him off this morning. I feel emotionally drained and exhausted and did not make any effort to hide that from him last night because he needs to understand how he is not only damaging his own life, but mine too.

 

Hopefully some of what I said may have shocked him out of his manipulative self pitying rut and we may turn a corner.

 

Flora

[Bagpuss]

Flora, FWIW, I think you've handled this really well.

 

Hope Bill settles soon <'>

[baddad]

Wow! Sounds like you've handled it brilliantly It must have been awful going through all the 'scare tactics' stuff, but the essence of what you were telling him is absolutely true. The fact that you would be there whatever happened fighting to make sure he was okay etc was a necessary topic to avoid (even if it did hurt) because it would have been too easy for him to see that as some sort of cure-all . Even if he may not be willing to admit it just yet, he does know that you'll be ready to step up to the bat if necessary, but at the mo keeping that as an if necessary is absolutely the tight thing to do!

 

Oh - It's not so much that I muddle them up, it's more that I identify stuff with him that relates to Ben too, so I tend to think of him as 'ben-size' rather than a few years older! How annoying for a fourteen year old to be compared to a squitty little ten year old!

 

Edited May 13, 2008 by baddad

[Enid]

Flora, had nearly exact same conversation with my boy, late last night! After message left on answer phone from school, which I didnt get till late as we all went striaght down the beach after school, I told him he would be kicked out, thats what he wants, he was home for nearly a year at one point, I then told him that if that happened things would be taken out of our hands and he would be "put" in a residential school, He blustered a bit "you want me to go away" etc etc, I laid it out straight for him, he`s run out of schools/choices, and although we all know he has problems he has to start to take responsibilty for his own actions. We`ll see what happens. School are bound to ring today as didnt speak to them last night, have had lots of calls from them this week after a very good start, he`s been at this school, a special school, since February, and I was hopeful this was the one, but things are not looking good, at home however he is much better so it does make things easier on us all. Really hope your boy has a better week, enjoy the peace! Enid

[Flora]

Enid, hope you can get things sorted out, it's a bloomin' stress we could all do without isn't it?

___________________________________________

 

Last night after our very frank discussions, Bill wrote something which I have shared with the school and would like (with his permission of course, which I got last night, to share with you guys because it shows what keeping the lines of communication open can achieve. I've talked to the head of education at the school today and she is delighted with Bill's input and there are lots of changes already being arranged. He is probably going to moved to a quieter group for lessons, they have timetabled his 1-1 SALT and OT and everyone is now aware of how the tiny details can make a huge difference for him.

 

This is what he wrote:

 

'Things that would make me feel ALLOT better

 

I?ve been really stressed lately, not only am I going to a school for the first time in a year, but it?s a Residential School. I really don?t think I was prepared when I started, I was absolutely certain everything would be ok. However, on the first week I started there was just so many changes that nobody had told me about. For example, most of the staff was either off sick, leaving, or left. The timetable had changed, and I was moved to a different computer. They did apologize though and I accept the apology, but I have found it really hard to feel better about the whole school ever since the disaster on the first week. I started to feel worse and worse and worse, to the point where I started to wonder whether or not I could actually learn there. But after a particularly devastating Monday night, I feel that I really need to try and get this to work because it?s the last chance I will ever have at getting an education. If this school doesn?t work, then there is nothing else I can do. I think the best way to start is making sure some of the problems I am having at the school are fixed. What I?m going to do is list all the problems here and explain why it?s a problem, and maybe how I feel it could be solved. I didn?t mention these problems before because I was a bit nervous about the whole speaking my mind thing. But now I feel its really important that I talk about these things

 

 

1. Noise

In a few lessons, I?ve had to go out of the classroom because it was too noisy. I don?t have anything against the actual people who make the noise, it?s the noise itself that bothers me. I know I can go out of lessons when it gets really bad, but I don?t want to have to keep coming out of lessons, because I?m missing work and I honestly don?t want to miss any. My solution to this is to continue doing my work OUTSIDE the classroom when it gets noisy.

 

2. Crowds

This one is one of the ones that really bother me. When I?m close to people, I start to get really nervous and uncomfortable. I usually sit away from the table on a chair, but sometimes the teachers ask me to come close to the table?

 

(Note: The noise and crowd problems are particularly bad in Food Tech, but they happen allot in other lessons as well)

 

 

3. In some lessons (mostly Maths and Science) the teacher doesn?t really explain things to me that much. I once asked the teacher for help and she helped me find the perimeter of a shape (I know how to do it all, I just forgot what all the words mean) and on the next one I had to figure out the area and she said ?I?m sure you know what the area is? and just walked off before I could

tell her that I didn?t know, and had to ask her to help me again.

 

 

4. In Maths and English, I sometimes find the work a little bit too easy. I have a bit of trouble understanding what to do sometimes (as I explained in 3) but once I?m reminded (I already know most of the time but I forget) I find it way too easy. I?m not saying I would like to do work that?s completely impossible more my age, but I would quite like it if it was a bit harder. '

 

Flora

[hev]

flo my steven is no longer homesick at all now and i really never thought this day would come,he started about 10 wks ago and at first as you know he was terribly homesick also mixed in with trying to make me feel guilty!!

i think thats so good what bill wrote,im going to get steve to write what he is struggling with again cos hes having real behaviour problems at school again,teacher rang me at 10.30 last night to say steve was throwing bottles of water over him and the teacher sounded really upset,i really didnt know what to do,hes in hampshire,im in gravesend what could i do?i will speak to steve today if he phones(im not allowed to ring him now he says!!)his choice but so diff from the start when he couldnt stop phoning me.

hes hanging on by a thread at that school,they say hes not aggressive,just loud and mischevious all the time and dont let up,but i will get him to write down things like bill did and show them to his care worker and maybe theres little things which could be changed at school which will make a difference to steve

thankyou for posting what bill did,i wouldnt have thought of it otherwise,he wrote things for review and i didnt think to do it again <'>

[Flora]

The school have been great today. They've arranged for him to join a quieter group of kids after half term IF he wants to. He is going to visit the group a few times this week and if he would like to move to that group then he can. Someone will help him set up his work station in the new room. They have also decided that as it's them who messed up his first week that they will treat the first week back after half term as if he was new, and get things right this time. They have arranged for the head of education to 'debrief' him at the end of each school today to check what's gone right and what, if anything, has gone wrong. He will be starting sensory integration therapy and SALT his first week back too. He is having a two week half term holiday starting at the end of this week and hopefully that should give time for his anti-depressants to kick in by the time he goes back on the Monday after half term.

 

He sounds so much happier tonight. I have arranged to go out with him tomorrow night and he is bringing a friend (his idea) and one of the care staff along too.

 

He even rang me up at break time this morning to check if I was ok Obviously some of the strong message I intended for him to get did actually sink in last night.

 

Now I just need lots of that we may be just about to turn a corner.

 

Flo'

[smiley]

Flo <'> What a great letter from B (see how i just call him B - i get them confused too! ).

 

Very well done you for handling a tricky situation brilliantly

[Bard]

Now I just need lots of that we may be just about to turn a corner.

 

Flo'

 

Sounds very positive and flexible. I keep hoping that my B's school isn't unique in bothering to listen and adapt its approach.

I'll light a candle for us all!

Edited May 13, 2008 by Bard

[Suze]

hun have,nt got time to write loads but hope a few big <'> <'> <'> hugs will somehow convey how pleased I am for you ,your both doing great.

[hev]

The school have been great today. They've arranged for him to join a quieter group of kids after half term IF he wants to. He is going to visit the group a few times this week and if he would like to move to that group then he can. Someone will help him set up his work station in the new room. They have also decided that as it's them who messed up his first week that they will treat the first week back after half term as if he was new, and get things right this time. They have arranged for the head of education to 'debrief' him at the end of each school today to check what's gone right and what, if anything, has gone wrong. He will be starting sensory integration therapy and SALT his first week back too. He is having a two week half term holiday starting at the end of this week and hopefully that should give time for his anti-depressants to kick in by the time he goes back on the Monday after half term.

 

He sounds so much happier tonight. I have arranged to go out with him tomorrow night and he is bringing a friend (his idea) and one of the care staff along too.

 

He even rang me up at break time this morning to check if I was ok Obviously some of the strong message I intended for him to get did actually sink in last night.

 

Now I just need lots of that we may be just about to turn a corner.

 

Flo'

flo how come you see him on a thursday night?do you live near the school?ive got to ask cos i will keep wondering otherwise!!

school sounds really good by the way and how lovely that he phoned to see how you were

[Flora]

flo how come you see him on a thursday night?do you live near the school?ive got to ask cos i will keep wondering otherwise!!

school sounds really good by the way and how lovely that he phoned to see how you were

 

hev, it's nearly a two hour drive. The first time I took him out because I was taking some things to make his room more 'homely' for him so I took him for a pizza. I'm taking him out tomorrow night because I am going there anyway to talk to the OT and SALT and so offered to take him out for tea, and he asked if he could bring a friend this time; the care worker has to come to look after the other child who is coming along. It seems daft to go all that way and not spend an hour or two with him IYKWIM.

 

Flo' X

[Enid]

So glad to hear things are looking better, what a difference a day makes! hope it continues, god its so stressful, J had a good day at school, with exception of last lesson message said, it didnt say why, but school have asked for my email address so they can keep me up-to-date, great, now I have to worry every time I check my emails as well as when the phone rings all mine in bed, but J not alseep so not off duty just yet! but very soon, looking forward to a nice glass of red. Enid

[Enid]

teacher rang me at 10.30 last night to say steve was throwing bottles of water over him and the teacher sounded really upset,

For goodness sake, what did he expect you to do at that time of night, I used to work in an EBD school, for boys 9-16, I have never heard of a member of staff ringing a parent at night, unless it was an emegency, and as for sounding upset, how blumming unprofessional is that, however upset you were, and you are lots in a school like that, you would never let it show to a parent, it hardly instills confidence does it. Hope things get better for you. switch your phone off tonight Enid

[Clare63]

Flora,

 

Wow sorry to sound so gushing but I think your amazing, you sound so strong and rational about Bill and the new school. I know Connor would be exactly the same, playing on my weaknesses, he took wishes to spend his life on the PC and not go to school.

I hope things are settling and I'll keep everything crossed for you.

 

I've had news today that our LA are looking at that school for Connor, the school also phoned me to tell me they would like to assess Connor, so goodness knows what would happen if he ends up there, he and Bill would be like two peas in a pod !

 

Have a nice evening on Thursday, hope you don't get lost this time looking for pzza.

 

Take care

 

Clare x x x

[Clare63]

Flora,

 

Wow sorry to sound so gushing but I think your amazing, you sound so strong and rational about Bill and the new school. I know Connor would be exactly the same, playing on my weaknesses, he too wishes to spend his life on the PC and not go to school.

I hope things are settling and I'll keep everything crossed for you.

 

I've had news today that our LA are looking at that school for Connor, the school also phoned me to tell me they would like to assess Connor, so goodness knows what would happen if he ends up there, he and Bill would be like two peas in a pod !

 

Have a nice evening on Thursday, hope you don't get lost this time looking for pizza.

 

Take care

 

Clare x x x

Edited May 13, 2008 by Clare63

[Flora]

Flora,

 

Wow sorry to sound so gushing but I think your amazing, you sound so strong and rational about Bill and the new school. I know Connor would be exactly the same, playing on my weaknesses, he too wishes to spend his life on the PC and not go to school.

I hope things are settling and I'll keep everything crossed for you.

 

I've had news today that our LA are looking at that school for Connor, the school also phoned me to tell me they would like to assess Connor, so goodness knows what would happen if he ends up there, he and Bill would be like two peas in a pod !

 

Have a nice evening on Thursday, hope you don't get lost this time looking for pizza.

 

Take care

 

Clare x x x

 

Clare that's fantastic news I'm going to be praying and keeping everything crossed for you. I'm sooo pleased that your LA are being so postive about the school. Let me know how you get on.

 

Flora X

[Clare63]

Thanks Flora, I am trying to keep calm about it all IYKWIM !

 

Clare x x x

[bid]

Oooh, Clare <'>

 

Everything crossed for you, hun

 

Bidx

[Flora]

Had a great night last night.

 

Me, Bill, his friend and one of the care workers went for a pizza. It was a great success. His friend is very very funny! They wouldn't sit next to us so they had a table for two and me and the care worker sat a bit a way from them.

 

I'm feeling much more positive about it all, and it's obvious that I took the right line with Bill earlier this week. He's still grumbling a bit but it's more normal grumbling about things that are normal IYKWIM.

 

Clare, you must be full of nerves and angst. It's bad enough knowing that you have to fight to get what you want, but when they appear to be on the verge of offering it I can imagine it being even more nerve wracking because there are still so many unknowns and decisions they have to make.

 

Let us know how it goes, I'm waiting with baited breath!

 

Flora X

[baddad]

Had a great night last night.

 

Me, Bill, his friend and one of the care workers went for a pizza. It was a great success. His friend is very very funny! They wouldn't sit next to us so they had a table for two and me and the care worker sat a bit a way from them.

 

I'm feeling much more positive about it all, and it's obvious that I took the right line with Bill earlier this week. He's still grumbling a bit but it's more normal grumbling about things that are normal IYKWIM.

 

Clare, you must be full of nerves and angst. It's bad enough knowing that you have to fight to get what you want, but when they appear to be on the verge of offering it I can imagine it being even more nerve wracking because there are still so many unknowns and decisions they have to make.

 

Let us know how it goes, I'm waiting with baited breath!

 

Flora X

 

Glad it's gone well... that friend will help enormously

Of course you got it right <'>

 

Clare - same as...ver, very best. And keep us posted

 

[Clare63]

Oooh, Clare <'>

 

Everything crossed for you, hun

 

Bidx

 

Thanks Bid, the LA are looking at 3 schools which include our 1st and 2nd Choice, 3rd we have not heard of.

 

Clare x x x x

[Clare63]

Had a great night last night.

 

Me, Bill, his friend and one of the care workers went for a pizza. It was a great success. His friend is very very funny! They wouldn't sit next to us so they had a table for two and me and the care worker sat a bit a way from them.

 

I'm feeling much more positive about it all, and it's obvious that I took the right line with Bill earlier this week. He's still grumbling a bit but it's more normal grumbling about things that are normal IYKWIM.

 

Clare, you must be full of nerves and angst. It's bad enough knowing that you have to fight to get what you want, but when they appear to be on the verge of offering it I can imagine it being even more nerve wracking because there are still so many unknowns and decisions they have to make.

 

Let us know how it goes, I'm waiting with baited breath!

 

Flora X

 

Awww Flora what a great night, such a positive and I am sooooo pleased Bill has made a friend, I think last night was just what you needed to reassure you that things will be OK in time.

 

Sorry if I appear to have hijacked your thread about my news, but so wanted to share it with you, as I knew how much you would understand, I'll post an up date on a new thread as soon as I hear anything.

 

Thanks baddad too for your good wishes.

 

Clare x x x

Edited May 15, 2008 by Clare63

[Kathryn]

Flora,

 

That sounds positive - glad the pizza evening worked out rather better this time round!

 

Clare - good luck

 

K x

[pearl]

Flora

Clare