13yr old daughter

[freddy]

hi all,basically having major problems with daughter.she has every one of the aspergers traits so wont bore you all with the details.she is just getting worse!!!

schoolwork is starting to suffer although in all top sets and got all level5 in last sats aged 11. her rages are a major problem when she is asked to do something ,she cannot be civil and we really are treading on eggshells when she is around.she doesnt care who is aound he explodes...mainly at home te odd time when out...as her father and i are seperated every time there is aproblem she just says im going to live with him(which he thinks is great as he doesnt get the behaviour we do)we have have seen pyschologist and going back before xmas to discuss her.she knows how upsetting her comments are but just doesnt care...i am so scared she is ruining her life,ours and actually go....

[bid]

Welcome to the forum, Freddy

 

I have a 13 year old DD, too. She is very 'spectrumy', with sensory integration disorder, but very, very bright and I don't think she would get a dx for various reasons. She gets very agitated if she doesn't have a clear idea of when things will happen, or her sibs don't do things in the 'right' way and very distressed by certain noises and situations, plus a very acute sense of 'right' and 'wrong'/injustice and the Queen of Stimming!

 

Since she was 11 we have had truly dreadful rages from her.

 

Are you able to talk to your DD when she's calm? One of the real breakthroughs for us was when she was able to verbalise/realise that she was actually very unhappy making everyone else's lives a misery with her rages. She didn't like herself afterwards, and asked for help to control her temper and her feelings. We keep talking through her feelings with her, and more appropriate responses over and over again, and given lots of praise when she does pull back.

 

We back this up with her being grounded when she really loses it. We have stuck out and she's missed parties, etc, when we have told her that would be a consequence if she carried on.

 

It's really, really hard and many's the time I'm reduced to . She's a really lovely girl, and very loving and thoughtful, but when the red mist descends... We keep plodding on with all of the above, and things are much, much better. I'm hoping that once her hormones settle down that will help too

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

Edited November 11, 2008 by bid

[Enid]

I have a 13yr old DS and ditto to all of the above, life is pretty much a nightmare really, but like you both I keep plodding on and hoping the hormones soon settle down <'> Enid

[sesley]

tweenagers who would have them tweenagers as my 8 year old ASD son calls his 13 year old bro i have yet to experience a child on the spectrum going thorough puberty, i have a boy and he has a nature what he is going to be like with raging hormones with girls , i can remeber resenting my mum,my father had left and I wanted to live with him too,but it was her who kept the roof over our heads, fed us,clothed us and earned money for us.and despite everything she did a pretty good job of caring for 4 girls as a single mum during the 70's until we all grew up,so my point is,to remember what you were like as a tweenager,and try to put yourself in her confused and frustated state on the spectrum and try to stay cool .

Edited November 11, 2008 by sesley

[bikemad]

Im dreading my lad hitting his teens his moods are a nightmare already and getting worse.

[freddy]

every day is groundhog day!!!!!! had to tell her every day for a week to do something before it got done(i know it would have been easier to do it myself but thats not the point) why should we all be wary that anything can set her off.siblings cant have friends over and god knows why social services havent been round yet after the screaming fits she throws....one of my biggest fears is that it ISNT aspergers...god help me then.it was me that brought it up with pyschologist...i feel like im the only one trying to discover is wrong..her dad obviously thinks its my fault as she only does it here not whilst visiting him.even if she did live with him what good would it do her(the rest of us may get some peace!!!!)she would be holding all her emotions in and not be able to be herself.....but as i said before she doesnt care and if i said go now she would Edited November 11, 2008 by freddy

[Enid]

Hi Freddy, We too cannot have friends over for the other kids and walk on eggshells every every EVERY day, I soo resent it some days, I also was dreading it NOT being aspergers, or ASD cos what then???? I cant understand why you dont let her go to her dads to give you a break? I would jump at the chance, in fact right now i would walk over hot coals for the chance cheers Enid

[freddy]

she probably wouldnt come back!!!!!!! she doesnt have the mundane stuff there like tidy room,do homework etc s no arguing .he doesnt live close by......thats one of the most annoying things.....she is an angel when there ,then all hell breaks loose when shes back.he doesnt understand how she can change so quickly therefore it must be my fault

[chris54]

Hi freddy

 

How long at a time does she sped with her dad?

 

A few days at a time?

 

How about the whole school holiday. Summer holiday, 6 weeks I am sure that in that time the novelty will ware off and he will stare to get a bit fed up with waiting on her and she will start to show her true colours.

 

To be honest if I was in your situating I would jump at the chance.

I wish I had someone to take my son off my hands for a while. Not that we have Tantrums or "bad " behaviour, it is just the constant attention he demands of me.

 

My two step children's dad never had much interest in them when they were younger, It would go 18months at a time without him getting in touch and as he kept moving, we never know where he was living.

Now they are grown up, he texts them 2 or 3 times a week, But to be honest they are only interested in what they can get out of him. (Money). They are now 19+21 no longer live at home and he is still paying off CSA arrears.

 

 

[freddy]

yes sometimes it can be up to 3 weeks....last year i had to force her to visit him as he was horrible to her about school reports .now the comment has come that she wants to live there(brought on by being told off for swearing!!)so no he doesnt tell her off(why should he, he doesnt get the c$^p we do).i do think it would take a lot longer than a few weeks for the real her to come out.i cant deal with the fact every time things dont go her way this will come up ...even when she speaks to him she doesnt tell him the truth about things she has done so when i do, she goes into one for telling him..i have always played fair never refused to let him see her(even made her when she didnt want to!!) she just has no feelings at all.....i also do not want to be played aff against him...

[Cariad]

I can sympathise with you there, T is 13 a few days after Christmas and he is always on the edge of a meltdown and kicking things. I do put it down to the terrible teens combined with the ASD, at the same time I have a "hormonal" 10 year old girl and it's no fun when they clash.

[oxgirl]

It must be really hurtful when you're the one putting in all the hard graft and then when things get tough it's you that gets it in the neck also, it must be hard not to take it personally. Don't know if it's any consolation at all, but it sounds quite 'normal' really to me, i.e. teenager taking it out on the one closest to them. It could be seen as a good thing, I suppose, that she can really let go with you and get it all out of her system, she obviously feels it's a safe place for her to do it. I know it must be really horrid for you, though, to be on the receiving end of it all, I know I gave my mum hell when I was younger and blamed her unfairly for all sorts of stuff. I hope she can start appreciating you and all the things you do for her when she's a bit more mature. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[freddy]

tell me about it!!!!!!!!have now been told that her problems are pyschological so basically she is just a horror to us......got told she is obviously more comfortable with us to be able to let it out..just wish her dad could see it.i will now be starting the long route for a second opinion!!! i am so annoyed ...i am convinced it is AS but just because of the couple of hours "tests"she went through doc decided not .ex will def blame me now however its me who lives with it day in day out ....

[joybed]

I really sympathise as well have a 12 year old DS with ASD who has the most terrific tantrums but never has them for his Nanna who thinks it all my husbands fault as he is too strict. I also have a 4 Yo who is awaiting assessment and he is a little monkey for me and also for his dad but maily me. Tonight Dh came home from work and i mentioned a couple of things he had done and was told he was an angel this morning. So frustrating as DH says i don,t discilpine him enough and that is why he is how he is. His problems are also down to Marcus as apparently Piers copies him. We shall see I started asking DH to do more with Piers to see how he copes.

[freddy]

to be told it wasnt AS was a shock but i really expected it....i have read forums etc for long enough to know how difficult getting dx is...the dx only concentrated on things she can do ie make up a story, have conversation with him(however wouldnt speak yesterday!!) didnt mention the things she struggles with which far outweigh the things she can.at the minute school life is suffering and home life.....dont get me wrong there are good times... i want her to be happy(which a lot of the time she isnt)yes its a good thing she feels safer here to let her emotions go(shame they are always screams)but then its not good she not comfortable to do it with her father(who is going to push for her to live there i am sure,and obviously thinks as the problems only here it must be me!!)

if only he could hear things she has said about him...even when she angry with him its taken out on me....i cant win