I Think I Have Asperger's

[Lifevoyager]

Hi all, I hope you don't mind me posting here, you all seem a friendly bunch.

 

I'm 39, female, and over the last few months have realised that the more I read about Asperger's, the more I can relate to it. I have always known that I was considered an 'odd' child, but it's only after recently talking to my mother that she told me that she actually took me to the doctor when I was very young. I learned to walk late, and was very clumsy, having very poor motor skills. I never used to show any interest in interacting with others, even at parties, and she said that I used to be in my own world. She has also told me I used to rock a lot, and spend hours lining up my collection of farm animals. She said that the word 'Autism' did cross her mind, but decided I couldn't be, as I appeared to be bright and my language wasn't delayed (except I used to make up words). This was in the '70s, and the doctor dismissed her concerns.

 

I was teased and bullied terribly at school and found it really hard to make friends- I really felt (and still do!) as though I was not 'getting' something, and was considered 'dumb' and odd.

 

Although I have managed to hold down jobs reasonably well, I have never had a relationship and have never been intimate with anybody; I just can't get those feelings for anyone, and if I have felt that somebody was interested in me, I have completely backed off. Yep, I'm a 39 year old virgin!

 

I have few close friends, but one is convinced I do have AS and has encouraged me to seek a diagnosis. She said that her manager, who knows me socially and who has fostered kids with AS, also thinks I have it. My mother also feels I have it- she said that I have always been 'different'. Before I told her my suspicions I emailed her a list of childhood Asperger traits, removing all mention of Aspergers, and she replied saying 'that's very you!'

 

It does explain a lot of my behaviour; why I feel a compulsion to touch certain things, why I find conversations difficult as I tend to zone out very easily, miss what has been said and either say something totally innapropriate or along the lines of what had been discussed minutes before, unaware that the conversation has moved on.

 

I have mentioned this to my GP and he said that he would write to a psychiactric team (previous GP referred me for a mental health assessment which was a waste of time as they couldn't give me a diagnosis and suggested attending a Woman's Group for other issues in my past).

 

I think I would like a diagnosis to see if I can access any support geared specifically towards overcoming AS issues, and also the chance to chat to other adults on the spectrum (ok I may not have Asperger's but the more I read the more convinved I am that I do at least have many Asperger traits).

 

Sorry for the long post- any other adult females out there seeking a diagnosis? I feel really confused, lonely, isolated and quite scared- as though I'm not the person I thought I was for the past 39 years. I wonder whether I will ever be able to sustain a relationship!

Edited April 10, 2009 by Lifevoyager

[bid]

Welcome to the forum, Lifevoyager <'>

 

I am a woman who was diagnosed with AS in 2007 when I was 41. There are at least two or three other women here with a formal dx of AS

 

I can identify with everything you describe, apart from the fact that I am married (although none of my relationships have been straightforward, and some have been abusive).

 

I was diagnosed here:

 

http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/clinical/class.asp

 

Just wanted to let you know I understand how you are feeling <'>

 

Bid

Edited April 11, 2009 by bid

[bikergal]

Hi Lifevoyager, and welcome <'>

 

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago, when I was 35. Like Bid, I went to the Autism Research Centre, only my PCT was not referring to CLASS so I had to pay privately to see a specialist there. Dx was a bit of a shock for me as I thought I only had traits, but it was enough of a kick to make me go out and take up an old hobby of mine (which I'm still doing). It also gives me the opportunity to socialise . I'm currently having cognitive analytic therapy which is helping me see patterns in my behaviour and relationships.

 

I can identify with much of what you say, although I have had relationships and was married for ten years. I have 2 daughters, my oldest is profoundly affected by her ASD . I'm lucky in that where I live there is a local support group for those on the spectrum.

 

I still feel lonely and isolated, but those feelings were compounded by dx. Oh, and I'm still wondering whether I'll ever be able to sustain a relationship! Hope some of this helps

[bid]

Sorry for the long post- any other adult females out there seeking a diagnosis? I feel really confused, lonely, isolated and quite scared- as though I'm not the person I thought I was for the past 39 years.

 

It has been a very long journey for me, and I really do identify with your feelings...but I can say that getting a dx has been an overwhelmingly positive thing for me

 

Bid

 

[Mumble]

I was also dx'ed at CLASS when I was 27. I think a dx is positive as it helps you to understand (or understand that you might not understand ) certain things. It's also given me a basis to think about and understand where things have gone wrong in the past and take steps to making sure the same things don't happen again.

 

With relationships, I think the question has to be do you want to sustain a relationship and if so why/for whom - thinking about this for myself, a lot of it came down to others expectations of what a woman 'should' do, and when I think about it like that and remove all expectations so I focus on what I want, to be honest I am happier by myself as I need that space and time away from people - it doesn't mean I don't want friends - far from it - but something all engulfing (hmm, maybe that's just the experiences I've had with 'interesting' members of the male species ) and suffocating is too much and I'm useless at communicating what I want/need.

 

cognitive analytic therapy

Is that the same as CBT?

 

[Lifevoyager]

Thanks a lot for your replies everybody, it does mean a lot to be able to receive suport on here.

 

I think that's a very good question, whether I want a relationship or not... I do need to have my own space and be alone for much of the time, but at the same time I do feel really lonely at times, and feel that something's 'missing'. It's been hard seeing my younger sister grow up, form relationships and finally get engaged.

 

I would like to be able to relate to people better and form more friendships, as I don't have that many close friends and would like the opportunity to be able to plan things/ go out etc. But I am constantly worried that I am boring/ behaving oddly etc and feel that I am not good company anyway!

 

I do feel that a diagnosis may help me to accept this condition and go someway towards seeking support. Posting on here has definately helped, it seems that there are some very similar difficulties faced in terms of relationships and I feel that I'm not alone!

 

Thanks again everybody xx

 

 

 

[Jannih]

Hi Life Voyager

 

I really empathise with you. I'm 55 and have gone through life, feeling different and experiencing difficulties socially.

I am single, though I lost my "cherry" when I was 40 , so don't give up on that front !

 

I still haven't mustered up enough confidence to go and see my GP and ask for a referral but I need to, before I start to really unravel.

 

You say you feel isolated; in what part of the country do you live. I'm sure someone here or the NAS might be able to point you in the right direction so you can find an AS social group. There is nothing worse than feeling out on a limb.

 

We are all here because we need / want support from each other, one way or another. I hope you find it here for yourself.

 

 

[Lifevoyager]

Hi Life Voyager

 

I really empathise with you. I'm 55 and have gone through life, feeling different and experiencing difficulties socially.

I am single, though I lost my "cherry" when I was 40 , so don't give up on that front !

 

I still haven't mustered up enough confidence to go and see my GP and ask for a referral but I need to, before I start to really unravel.

 

You say you feel isolated; in what part of the country do you live. I'm sure someone here or the NAS might be able to point you in the right direction so you can find an AS social group. There is nothing worse than feeling out on a limb.

 

We are all here because we need / want support from each other, one way or another. I hope you find it here for yourself.

 

 

Thanks a lot Jannih, that gives me hope. I really hope you do manage to approach your GP for a diagnosis.

 

I'm in Nottingham, so if anybody does know of any social groups near me I would be really grateful.

 

Thanks again

[bikergal]

Mumble, if you google' ACAT online' it will explain cognitive analytic therapy far more succinctly than I ever could! I really identified with what you said about relationships and feeling suffocated and finding them all engulfing. I also need an awful lot of time on my own away from other people, though I do like and need other people's company.

 

I have found dx to be a positive experience (sorry if my original post sounded negative, it wasn't meant to be), and it has helped me come to terms with some of the problems I faced when I was in employment.

 

[alanm]

My mum said that the word 'Autism' did cross her mind, but decided I couldn't be, as I appeared to be bright and my language wasn't delayed (except I used to make up words). This was in the '70s, and the doctor dismissed her concerns. I was teased and bullied terribly at school and found it really hard to make friends- I really felt (and still do!) as though I was not 'getting' something, and was considered 'dumb' and odd.

Firstly, welcome aboard Lifevoyager, putting that first post up must have been a little daunting but so many of us are in the same boat. I'm a similar age, 38 in June, I did get a dx age 4, but it was then a dx of "autism" as "Asperger" wasn't commonly used then, but likewise it was still difficult for my parents as similarly I was bright and developed language mostly OK. Posted specially to empathise on the bullying, I got it too.

 

 

With relationships, I think the question has to be do you want to sustain a relationship and if so why/for whom - thinking about this for myself, a lot of it came down to others expectations of what a woman 'should' do, and when I think about it like that and remove all expectations so I focus on what I want, to be honest I am happier by myself as I need that space and time away from people.

I can so identify with this, I've often felt the peer pressure from "well meaning" friends wanting to see me in a relationship, more than I'd actually feel I'd want one myself. Again it is the "expectation" thing which I think is actually even worse for males because we're expected to be pushing forward and making first moves.

 

 

I really identified with what you said about relationships and feeling suffocated and finding them all engulfing. I also need an awful lot of time on my own away from other people, though I do like and need other people's company.

This rings even more bells for me, I just don't think it would be right for me to do the whole dating thing as I couldn't live together, I too need that space. Even just sharing a holiday apartment with friends in a club on weekends away was a bit too suffocating, but you're right about still liking company, just to need a little more space too. I've been heartened that despite having Asperger I have achieved those friendships, unlike when I was such a very shy, bullied and withdrawn teenager.

 

[Danr]

Hi,

 

Do you mind if I ask how much the assessment cost? what form did it take - and did it need more than one session?

 

 

Hi Lifevoyager, and welcome <'>

 

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago, when I was 35. Like Bid, I went to the Autism Research Centre, only my PCT was not referring to CLASS so I had to pay privately to see a specialist there.

 

[caz2007]

Welcome to the fourm, i'm caroline 25, i hope you enjois reading and answer message and asking qustions yourself and get adive will help you,

[MOSEY]

Hi Lifevoyager! I'm new here too - my son has AS. I just wanted to say how incredibly brave I thought your post was and to wish you all the very best on this journey of self exploration which you are undertaking. I hope you find answers which will help you to make sense of where you want to go in your life now!

[Guest featherways]

I'm diagnosed as Asperger syndrome, done privately. Cost varies between about £400 to £1000 depending on the specialist. They asked me to send lots of info about me, they spoke with family members, and they interviewed me and asked a huge amount of information about me during that, plus watching how I reacted to them, my body language, eye contact, how I understood their questions, etc. Very thorough. I'd also taken the AQ, EQ, SQ tests and the AAA testing from the Cambridge centre. All of it said "Oh good grief yes!".

 

Was diagnosis worth it? Yup. Has it been totally easy? Nope. But it was still one of the best things I've ever done, because I was more able to be myself instead of having to be someone I'm not.

 

Relationships - those are very difficult for most of us. I'm married to a lovely man who is also on the spectrum, and it works for us because we can respect our differences (well, most of the time :-) ) but many people have no desire for a sexual relationship, or such strong sensory sensitivites and needs for routine and predictability that a relationship is really hard. I know that I've had to work through some real issues in mine.

[Lifevoyager]

Hi, thanks all for your replies, it does mean a lot. I have an assessment tomorrow from a psychologist within the Asperger's Team so I am hoping she may be able to advise me on a diagnosis. Once I have that I think I will be able to start to deal with it...

 

My mum has agreed to be there as well, she is now convinced I have it!

[Tempus]

I'm guessing you've had your assessment now, I hope that it turned out well for you -- I know how much of a relief getting mine was

[Lifevoyager]

I'm guessing you've had your assessment now, I hope that it turned out well for you -- I know how much of a relief getting mine was

 

Hi Tempus- thanks a lot. Yes, I had it today- she was here for almost an hour and said that it was kind of a 'screening' appointment, and that a lot of the time it's apparent that people haven't got Aspergers and theres no point taking things further... then she said that she thinks in my case we do need to go for a full assessment so she does seem to think it very likely I do have it!

 

Next step is for mum to be seen by somebody and for me to undergo a more detailed assessment with the psychologist... yes it is a relief to be taken seriously I think as part of me felt I may be wasting her time!

[flyingladybird]

This thread was very useful.

 

Thanks.

 

ps mine looks like going ahead. I have to contact Mother whom I hadn't contacted over the years.

[Lifevoyager]

This thread was very useful.

 

Thanks.

 

ps mine looks like going ahead. I have to contact Mother whom I hadn't contacted over the years.

 

Good luck Flyingladybird, hope things go well for you

[flyingladybird]

Thank you so much for the kind words, Lifevoyager.

 

Same to your kind self.

[Jannih]

Hi, thanks all for your replies, it does mean a lot. I have an assessment tomorrow from a psychologist within the Asperger's Team so I am hoping she may be able to advise me on a diagnosis. Once I have that I think I will be able to start to deal with it...

 

My mum has agreed to be there as well, she is now convinced I have it!

 

I must say, Lifevoyager, you have moved quickly to get your assessment. It is now 15th August. So, how did it go ?

 

 

Jannih

[Lifevoyager]

Hi Jannih, the appointment turned out to be more of a screening assessment, she spoke to me and my mum and said that she thinks it is worth going through the full assessment process- my mum needs to meet with somebody to discuss childhood development (she has attended one session and has to go through one more).

 

I am seeing the psychologist again this Wednesday, I am not sure but I think this will be a lot more detailed with possible tasks etc- I am really nervous but also looking forward to it in a strange way! I think I'm very lucky to be referred so soon.

 

Thanks a lot for your kind interest

[Jannih]

Hi Lifevoyager

 

You are lucky to have a supportive mum. How do people get a diagnosis if there is no parent or elder sibling, I wonder ?

 

My mum is now dead but if she had been alive,she would have been in total denial. My younger sister is, without a doubt, autistic. She has never had a diagnosis but it is so obvious ! When a well meaning person advised my mum about a Mencap children's group, for my sister, she was really offended and said "there is nothing wrong with her, whatsoever". She would have told me now, not to be so stupid, if I had mentioned I suspected I might have an ASD.

 

As for my dad, he is alive but very elderly. He wouldn't have a clue about my development. He never interacted with his wife or children on an emotional / social level ( I will leave you all to interpret that how you like) but he was a good dad within his capabilities.

 

One question: Are you beeing seen on the NHS or is it private ?

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Jannih, the appointment turned out to be more of a screening assessment, she spoke to me and my mum and said that she thinks it is worth going through the full assessment process- my mum needs to meet with somebody to discuss childhood development (she has attended one session and has to go through one more).

 

I am seeing the psychologist again this Wednesday, I am not sure but I think this will be a lot more detailed with possible tasks etc- I am really nervous but also looking forward to it in a strange way! I think I'm very lucky to be referred so soon.

 

Thanks a lot for your kind interest

 

[oxgirl]

How do people get a diagnosis if there is no parent or elder sibling, I wonder ?

 

I've often wondered the same. My parents are both dead and my sister wouldn't be able to tell much, seeing as she was also a child at the time, I know I wouldn't be able to give a detailed description of what SHE was like, so I wouldn't expect that she'd be able to do the same for me.

 

~ Mel ~

[Lifevoyager]

I do sympathise I know I'm lucky to have a supportive mum (I haven't told my Dad yet but he lives abroad so don't see him much anyway!) Funny as I thought she may try to deny it or brush it aside but when she read about Aspergers she was convinced I have it.

 

I am being assessed through the NHS- I feel really lucky that this is available to me as I know others have had real problems getting a referral!

[flyingladybird]

You are lucky to have a supportive mum. How do people get a diagnosis if there is no parent or elder sibling, I wonder ?

 

My mum is now dead but if she had been alive,she would have been in total denial. My younger sister is, without a doubt, autistic. She has never had a diagnosis but it is so obvious ! When a well meaning person advised my mum about a Mencap children's group, for my sister, she was really offended and said "there is nothing wrong with her, whatsoever". She would have told me now, not to be so stupid, if I had mentioned I suspected I might have an ASD.

 

As for my dad, he is alive but very elderly. He wouldn't have a clue about my development. He never interacted with his wife or children on an emotional / social level ( I will leave you all to interpret that how you like) but he was a good dad within his capabilities.

 

One question: Are you beeing seen on the NHS or is it private ?

 

I've often wondered the same. My parents are both dead and my sister wouldn't be able to tell much, seeing as she was also a child at the time, I know I wouldn't be able to give a detailed description of what SHE was like, so I wouldn't expect that she'd be able to do the same for me.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Jannih, I know where you are coming from.

My Mother would be, exactly the same.

it's just her mentality is, whether it is good or bad, there's no way you will see yourself as "damaged" or "faulty" as a person.

at least, we don't share the same attitude whilst I'm sure it's a lot to do with lack of awareness and education in the subject (ASD).

 

I agree with you entirely, oxgirl.

 

it can get quite complicated to discuss with older parent(s) in their seventies or eighties who had never read books on AS or ASD and if a parent lives abroad (as mine also does), then you are not sure what to disclose and what not to, in case they get offended or infuriated etc rather than offering support.

 

my psych/cpn did ask about my Mother. I could ask her about my developmental milestones via email/letter etc but knowing it's nearly 45 years ago since I was born, her memories can't be that sure whilst I was curious about facts in my developments I never thought about in the past..

 

as for NHS diagnosis, I would say, the best place to ask would be CMHT if you are already an adult. I believe it's becoming more widely available these days thanks to all the campaigning by NAS and support agencies.

Edited August 19, 2009 by flyingladybird

[bid]

My mother was in her late 70s when I had my assessment, in which she took part. I had thought she would be very 'negative' about the whole thing as she comes from the generation who thought you had to be half-dead before you 'bothered' the doctor...but I was overwhelmed when she was so supportive, loving and helpful

 

So you never know!

 

Bid

[Lifevoyager]

That's great Bid- I must admit I thought my mum would dismiss it- but she has been really supportive and has made up her mind I have Aspergers! She told me that when I was very young, she worked a couple of days as a volunteer at a centre for autistic children- and suddenly realised that I displayed many similar traits, but dismissed it she felt that my language skills etc were normal!

 

I have had another assessment, my mum just needs to have her second session and then I should know- won't be for a few weeks though as my mum's away. It would be good to know for sure- although the psychologist was discussing ways of linking into support following assessment!

 

Thanks all for your contributions and support.

Edited August 23, 2009 by Lifevoyager

[LicklePaulie]

I'm in Nottingham, so if anybody does know of any social groups near me I would be really grateful.

Hi Lifevoyager - we are based in Loughborough and may be of some use to you? For details CLICK HERE

 

[Lifevoyager]

Hi Lifevoyager - we are based in Loughborough and may be of some use to you? For details CLICK HERE

 

Thanks a lot LicklePaulie, looks good- does it matter that I don't actually have a diagnosis as yet?

[LicklePaulie]

Thanks a lot LicklePaulie, looks good- does it matter that I don't actually have a diagnosis as yet?

Not a jot - of the "Aspies" that attend, only around 70% have a clinical diagnosis. The others are either awaiting assessment or are self-diagnosed but have not sought the final piece of paper for their own reasons.

 

PS - please contact us before attending as the meeting venue has changed!

Edited August 24, 2009 by LicklePaulie

[Lifevoyager]

Thanks- I will give you a ring!

[Lifevoyager]

Well- following my mum's second appointment I have received an email from the Psychologist.

 

It's official. I am an Aspie!!

 

Not quite sure how I feel really- quite a lot of relief I guess!

 

Thanks everyone for your support- feels as though I am entitled to be here now!

 

xx

[Jannih]

Well- following my mum's second appointment I have received an email from the Psychologist.

 

It's official. I am an Aspie!!

 

Not quite sure how I feel really- quite a lot of relief I guess!

 

Thanks everyone for your support- feels as though I am entitled to be here now!

 

xx

 

Thats really great, Lifevoyager. Now you know where you are and have something to work from.

[Tally]

Great that you have some answers!

 

Getting a diagnosis can be a funny time, it's completely normal to have conflicting feelings about it. In time, you will get used to the idea and probably feel better now you have a formal diagnosis.

[Lifevoyager]

Thanks both- it does explain an awful lot, and it is a relief to know for sure, although I have suspected for a long while. She suggested that some kind of support will be available, which would be great.

 

[Kathryn]

That's good news, Lifevoyager and I hope you get the support you're looking for.

 

K x

[Lifevoyager]

Thanks a lot Kathryn

x

 

[Vanna]

hi Life voyager, just want to say hi and that Im new to the forum and aspergers. No dx, just for over a decade and maybe my life I was thought to have depression then it got changed to bipolar, possibly but no one agreed. anyways seeking dx, and find communication, dealing with people and other adult issues like talking on the phone (to strangers) a huge issue.

I also used to line up everything, in fact still have my own way of doing things and don't let anyone else sort it out or it will have to be redone per my strict guidelines! Also I had really no friends and teased to the point I would fake sickness and stay home as much as poss, although I did love school and learning ironically, its the jerks who made life a misery. At least you held down jobs, I still cant bc of communication skills, etc, not really sure, but still trying. All my "friends" and family are in the USA so its just me, hubby and cat! And for me, I always tried so hard to have a best friend but it just never worked.

Good luck on your dx and getting a relationship. It IS attainable. I did, but you need to find someone sympathetic who possibly is also a bit of a misfit in the fact they are understanding of others and at least shy, etc or similar? I've had tons of issues with hubby, but I will say he was a geek, shy, misfit so he was better equipped to deal with me.

Good luck! I know the loneliness is so hard!

hang in there

xx

Vanna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lifevoyager]

Hi Vanna, thanks for your reply, sorry I have only just seen this. Welcome to the forum, sounds as though you went through a really difficult time at school- I can so identify with trying so hard to have a best friend, that was always me too, but the type of 'best friends' I used to attract seemed to take advantage as I would do as much as possible for them so that they would continue to want to be my friend!

 

It sounds as though you have a great hubby and relationship with him- I think you are absolutely right in that a relationship would be much more attainable with someone else who may be shy and socially awkward. I think that this is something I need to start working on soon.

 

Are you planning on seeking a formal diagnosis? Good luck with whatever you decide.

xx