Sooze2 Report post Posted May 1, 2009 I'm not looking forward to picking him up this afternoon after school! I feel so guilty. I haven't missed him at all. I have wondered fleetingly if he's having a nice time but thats it! What a horrible mother I am. I haven't said it to anyone. FIL phoned the other day and asked if I heard how he is getting on to which I said no because they don't allow contact unless there is a problem, he asked if I missed him and I said no in a joking way and he said I was really mean and DS could come and live with them because THEY love him - they babysit once a year so I know he was joking - but it really made me think. Am I an evil, cold, uncaring mother? Or have I had to make myself hard because he has punished me and faught over everything and anything for so long? It started happening when he was in year 1 and was getting so hard to deal with that I had to either curl up in a ball and cry or stand tall and blank out my emotions, perhaps thats why I feel this way - I have no emotions left to give. The girls havn't missed him either, one said that its too noisy and mad normally and she has loved the quiet. He's on a school trip by the way, its a great week with drumming, tie dying, painting, walks etc and a lovely opportunity. My brother and I went when we were kids and all his older mates who have been say its brilliant etc. Funny thing is that I know the teachers who went will say how great he's been and no problem at all which will make me feel even worse. I'm not even going to ask how he's been when I pick him up so they can tell me how great he is when I feel like this! Sorry, what a depressing post but I had to say it to someone and I won't be able to see the horrified look on your faces when you read this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted May 1, 2009 <'> <'> <'> Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mom Report post Posted May 1, 2009 Don't beat yourself up you and you're girls are entitled to a weeks peace without feeling guilty and hopefully you are all refreshed and ready for him to come back.. think positive hope things improve xxxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sooze2 Report post Posted May 1, 2009 Don't beat yourself up you and you're girls are entitled to a weeks peace without feeling guilty and hopefully you are all refreshed and ready for him to come back.. think positive hope things improve xxxx I'm dreading it! Enid - 3 replies = 3 lots of hugs, thankyou. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
frogslegs Report post Posted May 1, 2009 My son goes away from time to time (either PGL camp or with my husband on a railway trip) and it is nice not to have to worry about him all the time and for my daughter to have a break. My son had to fill a feedback form yesterday for PGL and put a 10/10 on his stay so I asked whether he wanted to go back and he said absolutely. Well I have no guilt then because he is seriously enjoying it, learning new skills, getting more independent (isn't it what we want?). This time (easter break) I went away with my daughter and I realised how much we needed to have that time away where we could talk to each other and cool down on the emotion. We spoke a lot for one day and I slept 13 hours, then quiet.... chilling. You know he is happy and having a good time, may be you should try to have a good time too and stop feeling so guilty! Refill your batteries.... Don't you find that you can finally hear yourself breathe and think again? My only regret this year is that my daughter refused to go to camp too because I could have done with being on my own with my husband for a few days and looked after our relationship which always goes at the bottom of priorities. Take good care of yourself and make the most of this time to do enjoyable things, JUST FOR YOU!!!!!!!! To be a good carer you need to like yourself, REALLY... <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lisac Report post Posted May 1, 2009 Sooze, dont feel bad , i fell like this too, when my son goes to respite , sometimes i think, do I really want him home ? , x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted May 1, 2009 Funny thing is that I know the teachers who went will say how great he's been and no problem at all which will make me feel even worse. I'm not even going to ask how he's been when I pick him up so they can tell me how great he is when I feel like this! Sorry, what a depressing post but I had to say it to someone and I won't be able to see the horrified look on your faces when you read this. I'm sure there won't be any 'horrified faces'. I've never felt it quite as strongly as you have, but I'd be lying if I said I couldn't understand/identify with the feelings you're describing. Fortunately for me respite has been enough, but in the dark years before that was in place i spent many nights sitting on the stairs with son climbing all over me, terrified for both out futures. 'I love you, but at the moment I can't like you' is something we've seen expressed many times on the forum - and when things are tough that's not always a fleeting emotion. I hope you've made the most of your week - even if making the most was doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is more important than doing something. I'm sure you know this anyway, but maybe someone else saying it is helpful too: the teacher's say these things to reassure you. Even if they've had a nightmare week they're home now and will say 'he was no trouble at all and had a lovely time' because they think (know) that's what you want to hear... given you're other 'hippy' post - I hope that week of tie-dye and arts'n'crafts has produced something suitably dippy and new-age for you - a dreamcatcher, maybe or a windchime that will eventually drive you up the ******* wall! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
call me jaded Report post Posted May 1, 2009 So you're worried that someone who has him for a tiny amount of time thinks you should be missing him? It wasn't until my son went for his third week away (at Easter!) that I missed him at all. The other two occassions (one year and two years ago) I was just so glad of the break. Not horrified at all here. Recommended reading: 'The selfish pig's guide to caring'. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 1, 2009 JP went away for a weekend a month ago - I loved every minute of it & didnt miss him one bit (tho I know it was only a weekend). I did exactly as I pleased & spent quality time with mr p. Absolute bliss to be able to have a private conversation without anyone interrupting, & just the two of us to consider. He is 19, & saving up hard for his own place. He wants to leave home, so I will have no problem with "empty nest syndrome", thankyou! Could I also add: I get on much better with my NT daughter now she doesn't live at home. We enjoy our time together again. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted May 1, 2009 I guess we've all felt something similar <'> I even like it when DH takes the NT kiddiwinks away to stay with SIL and he stays for a few days too! I don't miss any of 'em! Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paula Report post Posted May 1, 2009 (edited) <'> <'> Youve had a taste of what most people take for granted normality.My son has been away a couple of times with his school on trips longest was for 3 days and yes i missed him.............i think.Or did i just miss haveing something to do constantly fetching carrying fussing around him worrying and panicking over him.Who knows.It always make me realise just how much my life revolves around his needs and what makes him happy or what wont make him kick of and cause havoc.Its like a weight is lifted from you and lets face it its great. hes of to france for 3 days in Septemeber any luck they wont let him back into country... ........no no i dont realy mean that. Dont feel guilty youre probably like me and a whole load of others contemplateing a lifetime of care for youre child unless ..........and im realy hopeing.............someone is daft enough to take our son of our hands betime they say i do at the alter and twig hes a bit odd itll be too late..........well a rented his room out.You deserve a break and to not miss him . Edited May 1, 2009 by Paula Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mum of 3 Report post Posted May 1, 2009 Sooze, my mum has G for a 'stopover' once a week and it's a Godsend. I rarely miss him, and we all look forward to the break. I love my DH, but on past experience I'll be really pleased to wave bye-bye when he goes back to work after the Bank Hol! Don't feel bad at all. You're 'on call' 24/7, and deserve a bit of peace and quiet. <'> <'> <'> . As for what your FIL said, if he feels like that, perhaps he would like to increase the number of visits so DS goes more than once a year?...Now, where was that lovely Spa you've been reading about..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lorryw Report post Posted May 2, 2009 We have had no respite (our own fault, never felt we needed it) and suddenly 24 years of constant caring has caught up. I love my son but having had a dreadful couple of weeks I could quite happily have packed a bag and sent him on his way. We were in desperate need of respite but SS couldnt give us any help. We will have to wait until the end of May for anything. Things are now a lot calmer but I will never now feel guilty about getting a break (whenever it happens!). Enjoy your break, you well and truly deserve every minute. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sooze2 Report post Posted May 5, 2009 (edited) Aw, thanks everyone. When I went to pick him up the teacher said - ah no emotional reunion here then ! Nice. I was keeping my mind blank just in case he kicked off but thought there was no need for that - he doesn't do affection in front of others ever and anyway its none of her business is it? She told me how good he'd been etc then one teacher asked if the girls had missed him, when they said no he didn't know where to look. He had a fantastic time and was full of it all weekend so well worth it. He has also been really laid back all week end so maybe this could be the start of a change for us. Oh, FIL doesn't have him at their place - they babysit for a couple of hours on my birthday each year. Thanks again Edited May 5, 2009 by Sooze2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mum of 3 Report post Posted May 5, 2009 <'> So glad he had a great time. Hope the improvement turns out to be a lasting one! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
