Did I give up on my ex?

[justine1]

Hi all

I do not usually post on here because I come here mainly to seek advice about my son.I left my husband 20 months ago,we had been together for 8years,our relationship was hard from the beginning because of mainly outside influences,but over time things became more and more difficult.He was extremely possesive and controlling,he never believed anything I said and felt I constantly had to prove myself to him.He seemed also quite selfish in that he would often buy himself more expensive clothes then me and the kids and generally put himself before us,not that we went without anything but I did feel I gave alot and got nothing back!He was never affectionate which was hard for me because I am really affectionate.His controlling got so bad that after a row with my brother he "banned" me and the kids from seeing any family,this happened two years before I left,I wanted to leave then but for financial reasons it was not possible,in the two years I often sneaked around to see my dad and brother,he found out twice and was really angry.He also gave many excuses when the kids were invited out to tea or partys,so they hardly socialised.Why I am writing all this is because I have not stopped loving him and see him every weekend when he sees the boys he wants us to be a family and does not even get why I left,I was told when I went to the GP for my son that she is 98% certain my husband has Aspergers,now I feel like I treated him wrong but dont know if I can let my family go to be with him.I have tries talking to him many times,I said I will visit them once a month and will even go without the kids but he is still not pleased with the idea.He will never admit my son has Aspergers and definatley not himself,so wont even get him to get help.I mentioned counselling for us for three years no luck.What should I do!!!!

[Tally]

I don't think you did a bad thing for leaving him. It wasn't just that you couldn't be bothered. You left him because you weren't happy with the relationship - with very valid reasons! As he is not interested in seeking help with the aspects of his behaviour that made you so unhappy, then those reasons still stand and always will. Even if he does have Asperger's, it doesn't mean that the relationship would be happy now that you understand the possible roots of his behaviour.

 

When you list all the things about the relationship that made you unhappy, why would you want to give up your family to go back to that?

 

Just because a person has Asperger's, it doesn't mean they are incapable of being deliberately horrible, or accidentally unpleasant to be with.

Edited October 14, 2009 by Tally

[justine1]

I don't think you did a bad thing for leaving him. It wasn't just that you couldn't be bothered. You left him because you weren't happy with the relationship - with very valid reasons! As he is not interested in seeking help with the aspects of his behaviour that made you so unhappy, then those reasons still stand and always will. Even if he does have Asperger's, it doesn't mean that the relationship would be happy now that you understand the possible roots of his behaviour.

 

When you list all the things about the relationship that made you unhappy, why would you want to give up your family to go back to that?

 

Just because a person has Asperger's, it doesn't mean they are incapable of being deliberately horrible, or accidentally unpleasant to be with.

Thank you Tally

That really made so much sense needed that!

[Karen A]

Hi.I have been attempting to post something that might be helpful but it is not easy.

Please do not feel guilty about leaving your husband.

I am in an unusual position that gives a perspective that might be useful.

A few years ago I was mentally not in good shape.There were genuine reasons why this was the case.As you may feel is the case if you think your husband has AS.

However as a result I behaved in a way very similar to the description you give.

It has now been recognised by professionals that at the time it would have been considered that I was emotionally abusing my husband.

My husband very nearly left and took the boys with him.He also loved me dearly but was running out of options.

I can post this now because it is recognised that things are much better now.However it has taken an awful lot of work.

None of that work could have happened if I had not been prepared to accept that I had a problem that impacted my family and marriage.

Although my partner knew that I was unwell that did not make what happened ok for him.

The boys are doing ok but there is no doubt that my behaviour at the time impacted them.

So please do not feel bad about your decision.Even where a partner recognises there is a problem and is fully comitted to work it is very difficult to change destructive paterns of relating. <'> <'> <'>

Karen.

[Kathryn]

It can't have been an easy decision to make, justine and it obviously wasn't done lightly.

 

Many compromises have to be made in relationships, but your comments about the ban on seeing your own family, and his refusal to reconsider, rang alarm bells with me. This to me is an unacceptable infringement of your freedom. You are not a possession. It's not unusual to be averse to one's in-laws, but there are more reasonable ways of dealing with this.

 

If you went back to him (out of guilt?) it doesn't sound as though a lot would change if he has no insight into the problems in the relationship.

 

K x

 

 

[justine1]

Thank you so much Karen and Kathryn,really appreciate your thoughts.Karen it must be hard to open up about such personal feelings,so thank you so much.I guess as everyone has said it should start with him and to be honest he has had nearly two years,since I left,to start taking action and change his attitude,but he can be nice at times lovely really.Then he starts being controlling I think as an adult I have a way of dealing with this but my kids suffer alot,for example my eldest loves dr.who but his dad says its "evil" and he must not watch it,he doesnt allow them to play with "certain" types of kids and puts lots of pressure on them to study and be the best.I also want them to achieve things but try to have a good balance between work and play.My son used to have severe asthma attacks on weekends when my ex looked after the kids when I went to work,since I left he had asthma once after a cold.Sam(AS) also used to self harm and rock when we lived together but doesnt do this anymore,so I guess in a bigger picture its going to cause more harm than good being a family.Thanks again.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

You're in a horrendous situation. I personally think you did the right thing in leaving for your own sanity as well as your children. It's not uncommon for other family members to be on the spectrum and so it's entirely possible that your husband is. His behaviour sounds extremely controlling and has clearly had a negative effect on you and your kids - being unable to see your own family, kids not socialising, etc. It must be really difficult for you when you still love him, but the fact is he must decide whether he'll firstly acknowledge his issues and then seek help. If he refuses, then nothing will change. If anything things may worsen. I think it's key that you seek support from friends, family members, this forum, etc. When you're down, support from others is what'll keep you going.

 

Best wishes. I really hope things improve.

 

Caroline.

[markkenyon]

 

God ! I thought my life was hard work....!

 

Mark

[Karen A]

Thank you so much Karen and Kathryn,really appreciate your thoughts.Karen it must be hard to open up about such personal feelings,so thank you so much.

 

It is not easy to talk about.However I am aware that I am in a very unusual position.

There are probably very few couples where there has been what would be recognised as domestic violence where the partner creating the difficulties has accepted help and the relationship has survived.There are even fewer cases where the individual creating the difficulties is the wife.

I am in an even more unusual position because although CAMHS recognise that at one time there were serious issues they are also very clear that things are fine now.

So I feel I can be honest because anyone that might be concerned knows already.

Hopefully the fact that I can be honest enables me to offer a perspective to others.

My husband would I know empathise with you in what is a very difficult situation.He loves me very much but I do know that at times he was at the end of his tether.

We have been fortunate to have had some excellent support but it has all depended on my willingness to accept that I needed help.

 

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

Well to answer the question first, no I don't believe you gave up on you him. From what I read I believe you did the right thing, I believe first priority should be your kids. (not trying to make that sound like a stereotypical Jeremy Kyle quote) Even if your husband does have Aspergers it doesn't mean that he cannot be an idiot at times or that if he ain't willing to change situations for the better, that you should be lenient and stuck in a relationship you're unhappy with. I would like to say though that I myself find it hard to show affection, so it might not be the fact that he wasn't affectionate towards you, maybe it was that he didn't know how to show you affection.

 

 

But yeah as far as I'm concerned, you did the right thing based on what I've read, I wouldn't consider going back with him because for the situation to change for the better, he would first need to understand why you left him. (which you said he doesn't) Then he would need to be willing to work towards changing that. If none of these have been accomplished then I believe its pointless.

 

I'm not sure if that's helpful but I hope so.

[JsMum]

I do not feel you let your husband down, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have made a responisble adult decision and though it may look like he has changed this is short term meetings not where your both living together again, It would probably be difficult for things to reconciliate considering he doesnt even except there is AS in his son and the total denial he has of any possible AS traits in himself.

 

I would say you have done the right thing in the discriptions of your husbands behaviours especially as his actions even included what children your children played with and what they watched and his ideas of what evil is, so again this would be very difficult for your children to develop and grow in a positive way.

 

I have to recommend Relate, I once did a course that looked at the way other people treat us and why and how we can stop others controlling us, it also looked at what is our rights and how you can become more confident it was an excellent course this one would be a great course to do if you felt interested in such a course but there is also another course for people who have recently seperated and it was a course that looks at why the relationship broke down, it goes throw the process of feelings and emotions such as guilt, regret, recovery, ect..... and how to move on either into been a strong independant parent or moving on to another partner when your ready, relate may also know more on relationship matters with partners who have AS/Autism.

 

anyway if it is of interest please do contact them to see what courses are available in your area.

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/workshops-for-separating/index.html

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/workshop-moving-forward/index.html

 

This is the course I did, loved it.

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/workshop-taking-charge/index.html

 

JsMum

 

Edited October 16, 2009 by JsMum

[justine1]

Thank you so much everyone,things have been hard these 20 months I am lucky enough to have family support,so many women not in that position.It is good to get the perspective from other people because of course my family would take my side so to speak so would not know if I am in the wrong in the situation,which I do believe I am not!I am just so grateful for all the great responses.Thank you Js mum I have heard of relate my life has just been so hectic,left my ex last FEB then had a baby in July then I started a course in Oct (last year) I am now about to do my exams and started three more courses,plus taking care of four boys alone its hard to find the time.I really think I do need talk to someone and really start getting my life back it often feels like I take one step forward five steps back,I believe he still has a "hold" on me,its hard because he is the father of my children and my parents got divorced I said I never would,and dont believe in it really its just the whole situation is unbearable.I am a strong person though and my kids are great each morning I get up I am so grateful for everything I have.Thank god for all of you,your words mean so much!

[Karen A]

Thank you so much everyone,things have been hard these 20 months I am lucky enough to have family support,so many women not in that position.It is good to get the perspective from other people because of course my family would take my side so to speak so would not know if I am in the wrong in the situation,which I do believe I am not!I am just so grateful for all the great responses.Thank you Js mum I have heard of relate my life has just been so hectic,left my ex last FEB then had a baby in July then I started a course in Oct (last year) I am now about to do my exams and started three more courses,plus taking care of four boys alone its hard to find the time.I really think I do need talk to someone and really start getting my life back it often feels like I take one step forward five steps back,I believe he still has a "hold" on me,its hard because he is the father of my children and my parents got divorced I said I never would,and dont believe in it really its just the whole situation is unbearable.I am a strong person though and my kids are great each morning I get up I am so grateful for everything I have.Thank god for all of you,your words mean so much!

 

Hi.If you think you might benefit from some individal space to think through issues another option worth considering might be individual counselling or psychotherapy.Some charities offer low cost therapy.Some GPs also have a counsellor.My husband found individual work very helpful.I would say though that it may not be something to embark on if you have lots going on at the momment as it can be exhausting at first.

If considering counselling or therapy do find someone who is professionaly registered.The BACP holds a list which can be accessed through the link .See the scetion ''find a therapist UK.''.

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

Edited October 17, 2009 by Karen A

[Jannih]

Don't feel guilty. You have not acted impulsively by leaving him but have given it much thought and consideration. When a partner tries to prevent someone from seeing their family, that, is the ultimate control.

 

He refuses to get help or acknowledge that he is being difficult, so it is his problem, not yours. You have done the right thing by you and your son. After all you don't want him growing up emulating his father's behaviour when he settles down with a partner.

 

We can all have behavioural traits that "drives the other up the wall" but we try and compensate elsewhere eg. he might have difficulty demonstrating physical affection but he can compensate for that by being helpful around the home. What about treating you to a breakfast in bed ? If he is take, take, take and you are give,give,give, then there isn't much hope and you will grow into a bitter,resentful, unhappy woman. His Asperger condition should not be used as an excuse. If he is quite happy to leave it and not seek further help to save your marriage/partnership, then then there is little else you can do.

 

Make sure you get support from your family at this time. Sad to say, partners come and go, but parents and siblings have been there for you from the start and will always be there through thick and thin.

 

[flyingladybird]

having been in a similar situation myself with a spouse who spent loads of his earning for his hobbies and I lived below breadline over the years. He also flatly admitted he didn't want to support me financially because he had too much going on (with his hobbies/obsessions) whilst he's a high earner etc. By spending occasional clothing shopping (let's say £50?) seasonally for "me" wouldn't have made him poorer but he simply didn't want to pay.

 

problem is, there's no Law, to tell inconsiderate spouses to "maintain her or him in a reasonable level". I did see a solicitor to find out my position in case/if we decide to divorce etc. apparently the career I gave up on for the relationship/marriage would be something he would have had to compensate me for as well as all the contributions I had made while working etc etc etc.

 

What I find though is, there ought to be a better legislation for making spouses to support their other half financially based on fairness and honesty whilst in marriage/relationships. (and there isn't) usually, things ONLY start to be taken seriously and hopefully put things right when the relationship breaks down irrevocably and end up in court, mainly making solicitors richer and by then potential recovery of the relationship is nil or next to none! There ought to be better power to protect and help maintain wives and gf of spouses who just don't want to pay.

 

not everyone with AS would be keen to go to Relate. My spouse did go to Relate on his own in the past mainly to get himself support but nothing else whilst I provided a house to live in, he didn't pay any rent etc etc over the years and he still managed to have something to moan about @Relate. LOL I don't think he believes in "working on a relationship". you either accept him as he is or don't bother.

 

It takes years to learn to accept things e.g. differences (only if you loved someone enough) but if someone is really eroding your welfare, material and practical well-being, leaving him isn't a crime. unfortunately, no matter how upsetting for you and your children, that's an only way to tell him there's a problem in a real way. Let the court tell him if he's not listening to you.

 

xxx

Edited January 1, 2010 by flyingladybird

[Jannih]

problem is, there's no Law, to tell inconsiderate spouses to "maintain her or him in a reasonable level". I did see a solicitor to find out my position in case/if we decide to divorce etc.

 

So much for the marriage vows. Didn't he say, " all my worldly goods, I thee endow." Then he signed a register. He made a promise before you, witnesses and God ( if you believe, that is) and then he breaks it. I would have thought that amounted to a verbal contract ! I would have also thought that a verbal contract is legally binding. It is with employment law so why not marital law.

 

 

[bid]

Maybe I've completely misunderstood the previous posts/comments but unless a couple has agreed that one of them will stay at home to raise young children or look after a child with special needs, then surely both partners should work to contribute towards their household/partnership?

 

We both wanted me to stay at home while our children were little and until he went to residential school I looked after my DS, but as soon as my youngest was at school I went back to work full-time. I would never want my DH to feel that all the expenses for our family fall on him.

 

I earn less than he does, but both our salaries go into a joint account to run our household.

 

Bid

Edited January 1, 2010 by bid

[flyingladybird]

Good question Jannih.

 

I believe when I met my spouse, he was already married with his hobbies/obsessions. lol

 

used to tell him his hobbies are his "Mistresses" but maybe that was his main love LOL (he says it's not the same it's not the same but I believe that's his most guarded obsession no one can interfere with..)

 

thank you for the kind words. you have made my day

 

have a Happy, prosperous & Healthy New Year to your good self.

 

x x x

[justine1]

Maybe I've completely misunderstood the previous posts/comments but unless a couple has agreed that one of them will stay at home to raise young children or look after a child with special needs, then surely both partners should work to contribute towards their household/partnership?

 

We both wanted me to stay at home while our children were little and until he went to residential school I looked after my DS, but as soon as my youngest was at school I went back to work full-time. I would never want my DH to feel that all the expenses for our family fall on him.

 

I earn less than he does, but both our salaries go into a joint account to run our household.

 

Bid

I agree Bid,both couples should work,not just for financial reasons but everyone needs to interact with people from outside the home.For me my work was my only escape as my ex never let me socialise.My situation was that as I was not a UK citizen I never received any financial help for government no working tax credits,child tax credits or even child benefits,so for our family to survive both me and my husband HAD to work as we both only could get minimum wage jobs.

However,cause we didnt qualify for help with childcare,he would work day shift and I worked nights and/or weekends,this meant after working 12hr shift I then had to care for my kids,although two went to school,it was very hard so obviousley to me I worked far harder.

 

We didnt have a joint account but all bills were in his name so he always wanted me to give him the cash,therefore I never saved a penny!I loved working and hate the fact I had to give up work when I left him but even now that I am a citizen childcare is so very expensive.I think our arrangement would have worked if the money we both earned was divided equally,I earned more so should have saved more.I also think he knew how much I earned but I never knew exactly what he earned he just said it was less then my wage and I trusted him,he could have (and I believe he did) earn more but spent it on himself,he always liked to wear designer gear!Also if at the time we received some financial help,I would be in control of child benefit so at least my kids would not go without clothes etc.

 

Now I want to go to Uni and my course has placements that end at 10pm so I may live with him again so he can take on the childcare role,but after the two year break we have had dont think we will rush things it will be more like roomates,thats if it even happens!!!

[Jannih]

We know nothing about Flying Ladybird. she may work, she might not. Also, we don't know her age. I am a working woman in my late 50s but many married women in that age group were not expected to work. Their priority was the home ie. making sure hubby had a meal to come home to when he finished work and that the children were ready for bed !

 

A 40yr old successful career woman, I know, gave up teaching as her husband was insistent that she should create a secure environment for their son and manage the their large house, where ever it was, as his work took him all around the world. When she was 58, on return to England, he dumped her for a younger woman. Naturally she went for everything she could get and she got it.

 

Just because a woman stays at home it does not mean she stops work ! She is proabably preventing her child from becoming another statistic in delinquency ! The work of a houewife/mother is, sadly, very undermined in this day and age.

 

 

[bid]

Just because a woman stays at home it does not mean she stops work ! She is proabably preventing her child from becoming another statistic in delinquency ! The work of a houewife/mother is, sadly, very undermined in this day and age.

 

I know, I did it with 4 kids for 12 years

 

Bid

 

[baddad]

So much for the marriage vows. Didn't he say, " all my worldly goods, I thee endow." Then he signed a register. He made a promise before you, witnesses and God ( if you believe, that is) and then he breaks it. I would have thought that amounted to a verbal contract ! I would have also thought that a verbal contract is legally binding. It is with employment law so why not marital law.

 

Erm - well if you want to get literal, does that mean that a woman who promised before him, witnesses and God to 'love honour and obey' is breaking her 'contract' by discussing her partner's negative traits online?

Don't get me wrong - I don't think that for a moment, but the above does come across as just a teensy weensy bit bitter. And believe me, I don't hold that view purely because I'm one of those terrible 'men' things you hear so much negative press about!

I'd also add that there a many women who do stop work and quite amazingly ( ) still manage not to stop their children becoming another statistic in the delinquency figures, and equally many that do work and do manage to circumvent that fate for their offspring!

I agree totally that the 'role' of a good mother should not be undermined, but I don't think 'good mother' can be defined by something as simple as whether they work or don't work. An hours 'golden time' a day would be infinitely preferable and beneficial to 24/7 neglect, surely?

As always, none of the above is a specific comment on the parenting abilities, style or qualities of anyone posting here: just a general observation based on what (IMO) makes most sense.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Jannih]

I don't hold that view purely because I'm one of those terrible 'men' things you hear so much negative press about!

 

 

Surely not. LOL.

 

 

[Tally]

I don't think the discussion was only about being in paid employment and contributing financially. A contribution toward the running of the household or maintaining the relationship is "work" in my opinion. I worked less hours and earned around 50% less money than my ex, however, I still feel I made a greater contribution. My parents' salaries are extremely mismatched and my mum spent about 10 years out of work when my brother and I were young, but she certainly did not spend those years failing to contribute.

[Jannih]

I don't think the discussion was only about being in paid employment and contributing financially.

 

My parents' salaries are extremely mismatched and my mum spent about 10 years out of work when my brother and I were young, but she certainly did not spend those years failing to contribute.

 

You are right there, Tally. There are several ways to contribute to a marriage/ family life, not necessarily in the form of monetary contributions, but if a partner gives up work to raise the kids, keep the house, then his/ her partner should support them financially. Having the time to make a delicious home cooked meal is far cheaper the living on ready made meals from the supermarket. Some times I wonder if two working partners is a false economy, especially if they have children, what with the price of child care etc.

 

Here we have a scenario where the husband is spending all his earnings on his hobbies and neglecting his partner's and probably his children's needs.

 

When I was growing up in the 1950s/1960, I knew a family, where the husband would steal the Family Allowance ( Child benefit ) to gamble on the horses. On occasions there would be no milk for the baby ! In those days, divorce was shameful and exceedingly costly and so she never left him. Of course this an extreme example, or is it ? The only difference is the nature of the obessession : gambling or hobbies.

 

 

 

[flyingladybird]

Yes Jannih

 

nature of obsession in a text book rarely hit us in the face from reading it and living/having lived in the reality of someone else's obsession be it gambling, boat etc etc, it does hit harder lol

 

xxx

[baddad]

Here we have a scenario where the husband is spending all his earnings on his hobbies and neglecting his partner's and probably his children's needs.

 

 

I don't think that is what we had here(?). I'm a bit pushed for time so haven't looked back through the whole thread, but I don't think anyone has suggested anywhere that the OP was 'wrong' to leave an abusive relationship or that abusive relationships should be condoned. I think there's 100% agreement to the opposite effect, in fact.

I think the 'split' occurred when it was inferred that there was a direct relationship between this abuse and autism, and was widened when it was suggested that obligation and duty defined the parameters of relationships above all other considerations.

 

Having the time to make a delicious home cooked meal? What if the woman is a hopeless cook - does that devalue her status as a 'goodly wife', and would a husband's mistreatment of her be justified under those circumstances? And does that mean a delicious home cooked meal can't be cooked by a working wife (or even a husband!) when they get home from work? Or that all wives who stay at home spend their days working hard at parenting and keeping house (So just who does watch Jeremy Kyle and Trisha & Loose Wimmin etc etc?) and that those who do work are bad, neglectful mothers?

 

L&P

 

BD

[Tally]

There are many different things people expect from a relationship, and when one of those expectations is not being met, that becomes the one issue that threatens the relationship and therefore the most important issue in the person's mind. It doesn't mean that there are not other issues that are important, just that there is nothing to talk about on those issues.

[bid]

My next comment is a general one, certainly not directed at anyone in this thread in particular

 

I have been a divorced single mum; I remarried and was a stay-at-home mum for 12 years; I have worked part-time; I now work full-time as does my DH.

 

Within all these different scenarios I have always very firmly believed that women need to take responsibility for themselves and their choices. We all have to make life choices, some of them very difficult. When you make a choice, accept responsibility for that choice or change your life to better reflect what you want. But the only person who can do that is yourself, not anyone else and definitely not marriage vows.

 

My personal opinion is that both men and women can behave very badly within relationships. In all relationships, whether happy or unhappy, both people need to take responsibility for themselves and their choices.

 

Bid