I'm not coping

[kerryt84]

Hi everyone, I didn't know whether to post or not, but I would just like some advice and support.

 

I'm really not coping with things at the moment, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm very anxious at the moment because I go back to work on Monday, after 3 weeks off (I'm a teacher). I don't deal very well with going back after the holidays because I'm out of routine and I get very anxious about all the socialising I will have to do. I'm not interested in telling people how my Christmas and New Year were and I don't like the way it's not just a normal 'hello' to everyone like on other days of the year, but all Happy New Year etc. Also I don't know if I will be going back because of the snow, so that is leaving me anxious.

 

Today I was meant to tidy and clean the whole house, because I hate starting work again if it is not immaculate. But I just couldn't do it, I kept going to do it but would just stare at what I had to do and then a huge wave of not being able to cope would come over me. Cleaning is a real problem for me and it's beginning to get a bit out of control. I can't handle all the smells and the feel of things on my hands and often I freak out while cleaning. My boyfriend does help with the cleaning, but he does it to man standards and it just leaves me feeling stressed because he hasn't done it properly. I wish we could afford a cleaner because it would cause me a lot less anxiety. After preparing dinner today and leaving it to cook I had to lay down for an hour because I just felt so overwhelmed and in particular sensory overload.

 

I just can't focus on anything either, and I will start doing something but give up after literally a couple of minutes then start doing something else but give up on that too. All I want to do is lay in a dark room and watch TV and not have to do anything, but there are things I have to do before I go back to work on Monday. Oh yeah and I forgot, our usual routine is to order our weekly shop online on Saturday to be delivered on Sunday, but when we went to do it today all slots were taken because of the weather. That freaked me out too, and the thought of having to go to the supermarket tomorrow is not a good one.

 

I know some of you may suggest I'm depressed. Maybe I am, I'm not really sure. Part of me feels I can't be because I feel very lucky in my life, I'm doing well in my job, I have an amazing boyfriend and live in a lovely house. I just feel that my issues are getting on top of me, and I can feel it won't be long until I crack. I only want to see my doctor as a last resort as he would just suggest anti depressants which I'm not too keen on, and also it will cause me a lot of anxiety to book an appointment and I won't be able to communicate properly what the problem is.

 

Any advice on any of these issues would be great, thanks.

[mygifts1306]

First of all sorry to hear you are not feeling so great. I think sometimes we can be a little bit hard of ourselves and expecting ourselves to go go go! I would say there is not problem with wanting to have your own time when you can do what you like, Christmas time can be a very demanding time and as you say when you get back you feel you have to say happy new year, and when some1 asks you how your christmas was, you feel you have to ask them how thiers was. I went back to work today and it was not very nice, yes on the one hand its is nice if people smile and you and ask you if you have had a good break, and yet its another if they are saying it because they feel they have to. I found i was saying happy new year to people and they could not care less, they did not look at me or smile, and i just thought what is the point. I find it is safe to ask people if they have had a good christmas, they normally say yes what about you, then you can quickly say " i had a good time thank you" and that is the end of the matter. I have been accused of being full on and needy as I often talk to people intently because i find it difficult to deduce that some1 is asking but they could not give two monkey if you drowned in the sea. So now i cope by speaking very fast and saying very well thank you and how about you. Some people like to hug at new year, if people are good friends they can do that. I feel as i am rumbling here. Have you found the cold to really get to you, one thing that i personally find relaxing is meditating, you can get techniques online, I have also discovered belly dancing, its fun and you get to sweat and drink loads of water, the good thing with belly dancin is any1 can do it, regardless of age, or size. You can just stand in front of your laptop and do some move. It has been proved that if you do exercises your brain releases some feel good hormones. Or if there was a book in you read last year go back and read it again usually that helps. I hope you feel better soon. A good long bath is usually a fine way of relaxing as well. I hope you find this helpful.

 

kind regards

[Jingo]

Hi Kerry,

 

I don't think you're depressed, if you are them i am too! I'm not going to be much help as i can't really fix any of your problems, but i recognise all 3 of your points in myself.

 

I hate going back to work after christmas new year for exactly the reason you state. I have a couple of fixed greetings i use to deal with the morning welcome from everyone, so i don't offend or come across too rude. But on 4th jan everyone is asking way more questions than usual and they're all doing slightly different things and asking slightly different questions and i'm not prepared enough to answer them. I will never fully understand people asking questions that don't mean anything and they don't really want an answer to. Unfortunately "fine thanks" works for the weekend but not christmas

 

I tried to remember it only happens once a year, get through it without offending anyone and i can go back to "fine thanks" or "not too bad thanks" for every monday.

 

oh i also hate sending an email to someone then getting "happy new year" at the start of the reply, meaning i should have put that on my email to them and didnt... sigh. I didn't realise we were friendly enough to do that.

 

With the snow i'm telling myself this is the worst since 1960 something and it won't happen again!

 

I'm fortunate that my wife does most of the cleaning and i don't have to get dirty. I help when i feel able but that's all, so can't really offer much support there.

 

Congratulations on your job house and boyfriend they'll be around longer than the snow!

[JsMum]

I don't deal very well with going back after the holidays because I'm out of routine

 

 

For a week set up a visual routine and keep to a day to day callender with the tasks of the day, just the basic tasks for now, nothing too challenging.

 

Also I don't know if I will be going back because of the snow, so that is leaving me anxious.

 

Put in your callender you are due to start school day, but as a back up have a second scedule of activities/routine so you have plan b, if the school is shut, this could be something like the gym/swimming, a walk, a bike ride ect....

 

Today I was meant to tidy and clean the whole house

 

Setting tasks that are too big can sometimes overwhelm us, it may be a good idea to set just a couple of house chores to start with, for example Hoover and mop Floors, just for today, that way you get a satisfaction of acomplising some of the house work this will also give you motivation to do it again the next day.

 

Cleaning is a real problem for me and it's beginning to get a bit out of control.

 

sometimes when we feel we are not in control of our lives we search for it in other areas, cleaning, eating, what ever that is upto us, the problem is you also want it to be perfect which will cause extra pressure.

 

I can't handle all the smells and the feel of things on my hands and often I freak out while cleaning.

 

many people on the Autistic Spectrum have hyper/hypo sensitivity, but when you are anxious your sences increase even further, so been anxious on top will cause severe distress.

 

Look at activities that reduce your anxieties, for noisy activities wear earplugs and for smells try and use echo friendly cleaning agents that are better on the human sences.

 

My boyfriend does help with the cleaning, but he does it to man standards and it just leaves me feeling stressed because he hasn't done it properly.

 

you have set your targets to perfection so anyone esle wont be upto your standard because perfection isnt nessasarily obtainable, he may also begin to resent the fact that his efferts are not apriciated and may think whats the point, she is only going to go around after me and do it all again, so he just does his bit,

 

setting up a house chore rota where you take in turns to do certain tasks may help delegate the responsibilties and let him have an oportunity in doing his bit but with some priase a long the way.

 

I wish we could afford a cleaner because it would cause me a lot less anxiety.

 

You may find yourself cleaning up BEFORE your cleaner arives and you may find yourself getting more anxious because it wont be perfect for when the cleaner arrives, you may also find that you will not be satisfied with the cleaners efferts too.

 

I just can't focus on anything either, and I will start doing something but give up after literally a couple of minutes then start doing something else but give up on that too.

 

This is when our mind becomes distracted, and no real satisfaction when were doing a task, so we seek for a more pleasurable taks before we have finished another one, this is a real sign that you have set too many tasks, and you need to cut down on your expectations of that day

 

All I want to do is lay in a dark room and watch TV and not have to do anything,

 

Even if you did do this, you wouldnt be able to do it for long as your mind would wonder and you would begin to do the tasks you have set, even if you ignored the urge it is likely that you would become quickly bord and restless as it is not very stimulating watching tv and sitting there all day, over time you would not be interested in the tv, and resort to more isolating methods such as ducking under your duvet, this is what I consider where a person attempts to Close down.

 

In this situation I would set up a couple of targets a day.

 

After work have a set space in your home where you can totally chill out, and have some relaxation time. that way you can get a break from the sensory world so set up a special chill out space in your home, that is for after work, for at least half an hour and more than once a week, do as much as you can.

 

the thought of having to go to the supermarket tomorrow is not a good one.

 

Go at a quieter time, take a shopping list, if the sounds distress you, take a Mp3 player and play some music, or wear ear plugs, as the lights are intense wear some tinted glasses, and set a time afterwards where you can go a chill out afterwards for half an hour.

 

It is clear that Anxiety is really causing you a lot of distress, and that you feel out of control, but you have not yet, you can pull this around.

 

JsMumxxxx

 

[smiley1590]

i have AS and have found hard to adjust to back to work routine even though i've missed it too!!! i was dead anxious takes awhile to get back on track bodywise and mental/emotionally it hard going!!! you can still have depression even though you have a good life job etc

 

goood luck with going back to work!

take care

XKLX

[Meethoss]

Hey Kerry,

 

Whilst going back to work was mostly fine for me (I didn't have a great Christmas and was getting really bored with my mind being under-stimulated so was therefore really looking forward to going back) there were a few moments where people asked me if I had a good Christmas but I mostly just said yeah and then moved on.

 

Today, however, I went for a full shop for the first time in probably two months (in that time I've probably only popped out 3 times to get one or two things). I was really, really anxious about this and was on the inside quite panicy and was having mild tunnel vision. At one point I saw two friends (a guy I play footie with and his girlfriend who I know through her sister) and really wasn't sure what to say (I ended up asking her if she wore contacts cos I'd never noticed her strange eye colour before!) - I ended up wrapping up the conversation quickly and moving on as if I was in a rush. I got through it all ok just by sticking to my usual routine of going up and down all the aisles. I later asked my friend who was with me if she thought I seemed ok and she said I just seemed like normal - this is me and my AS to a nutshell, nobody around me notices a thing because I'm so good at internalising everything!

 

Anyhow, what I usually find that works for me when I have big jobs to do which can seem overwhelming is to break things down in to smaller parts. Group them together in the most efficient way and take each job one at a time. I then try to take breaks in between to ensure I don't get bored or tired of what I'm doing, and then go back to them a little while later.

 

Oh, also - I take offence at your comment! I'm a guy and my cleaning is (mostly) extremely meticulous! I also generally agree with your point about anti-depressants - I think it's better to deal with the cause, not the symptom. Although I also believe it can be necessary to take them to allow you to deal with the cause, but only as a last resort.

 

Good luck with everything

[kerryt84]

I knew you guys would help, you've cheered me up just by reading your comments and knowing you cared enough to reply.

 

Tomorrow I will just take a deep breath and know that all the 'Hello's' and 'Happy New Year's' will be over quite soon. I will look forward to when I am alone with my close because that is the part I love in teaching and my class now are the best class I've ever had. What annoys me most is when I'm just being polite responding to someone asking how my Christmas was, and then I ask how theirs was and I'm stood there for 10 minutes while they explain every last bit of it. Mygifts1306 I know some people like to hug at this time of year, and that makes me really uncomfortable. I would never initiate it and I'm hoping people at my new job don't know me well enough to do it.

 

Exercise would definitely help me feel better, and it is my resolution to do some more exercise, but it hasn't really kicked off yet (another thing to annoy me). I will try and do some today depending on my mood. It's a viciious circle, because I feel too low and unmotivated to do exercise, but the exercise would help to make me feel better. Reading a book would help too, but I'd feel guilty if I hadn't done all my jobs first.

 

Thanks for your comments Jingo, I agree about saying Happy New Year in emails, that annoys me too.

 

Js Mum your comments are always so spot on, thank you. You must be a great mum! I do have a visual timetable at school (which the staff think is a good idea, but they don't realise it's mostly for me, lol) but I could do something similar at home. I do have a timetable that I sometimes use and break down what I'm doing every hour of the day. The problem I find is that if I don't keep to it I get stressed out. It's trying to figure out what causes the least stress - having it or not. I think it's also a good idea planning what I will do tomorrow if I'm not at work.

 

I've written a 'to do' list of things that need to be done today which has helped calm me a bit. I'm also going to ask my boyfriend to do some of the cleaning to help out. I don't tell him that his cleaning is not to my standard I just suffer in silence. One of my problems is that I can't communicate when I am not happy with something. I would like to set up a rota, but I don't think he will stick to it. One of the things in our house is that I do the cooking and he does the cleaning up after, but he can never be bothered right after so leaves it till he gets back from work the next day. But, by then I'm starting dinner and often the things I need aren't clean and it pushes me over the edge. I asked him if we could start a new rule in the New Year of him doing the cleaning up the same night, but he wasn't keen. I don't know how to make it clear to him that it is such a big problem for me. I didn't think about the issues I might have if I had a cleaner, and I bet you're right. My boyfriend describes me as Monica from friends, lol.

 

I think I will set up a relaxation area ready for tomorrow. I usually get in from work first so I could relax before my boyfriend gets in.

 

It will be difficult to go shopping at a quieter time today because it is usually busy on a Sunday, but I will tell myself I can have a treat when I get back and see if that helps. Luckily I don't many people around here Meethoss so hopefully I won't bump into anyone, because I'm not in the mood for pleasantries. And sorry if I caused offence, lol, you must be one of the rare exceptions. Fancy coming to do my cleaning?

 

Thanks again everyone, I better go and start working through my 'to do' list, wish me luck!

[JsMum]

Kerry

I can't communicate when I am not happy with something.

 

I have made feelings cards for J to help him how he feels, you can get specialised cards that express feelings, Autism cards I think there called, but they are a small card with an expression on and a decription feeling, these could help.

 

Also I dont wash up my pots straight after a meal, I wash mine around an hour after, I think it would be a good idea to set a cut off time where the pots must be washed, so if you eat at 6pm, the pots are all out the way by 8pm/

 

Also its quite a boring job, does the kitchen have a radio/cd player, I put one in my kitchen and its a lot easier now.

 

Good luck with your shopping but once you have done it, the pressure will be a lot less.

 

Glad I was able to help you.

 

JsMumxxx

 

[Meethoss]

Glad you're feeling better about things. Yeah I'm not a fan of hugging, it kinda confuses me. So does hand shaking - never sure whether to do the straight forward hand shake or the "buddies" hand grab where you kinda grab each others thumbs and make a fist. End up fumbling embarrassingly with the other person, haha.

 

I understand too about the washing up - when I was with my ex I always had to do the cooking, and then she'd never wash anything up so when I came to cook again the things I needed weren't there so I'd wash up as well. It was the same with other chores in the house and I eventually just stopped doing everything and that forced her to do something. Although it had a bit of a long-term negative effect on me because for a long time I stopped doing any chores and now that I'm living back with my mum's it's annoyed her a bit. I'm slowly trying to start doing more around the house now though.

[Jannih]

I can't communicate when I am not happy with something

 

I have made feelings cards for J to help him how he feels, you can get specialised cards that express feelings, Autism cards I think there called, but they are a small card with an expression on and a decription feeling, these could help.

 

I am not sure that these cards would be appropriate for someone who is a teacher. I have a similar problem with talking about my feelings. If I started showing these cards to my colleagues, I think their reaction would be " what the f***"

 

I don't know if KerryT's colleagues know whether she has an ASD or whether she is like me, gets by, and just gets by, with disguising it and overcompensating in the areas that she excels.

 

I must admit I have no answers or can offer an alternative.

Edited January 10, 2010 by Jannih

[Tally]

Hi Kerry,

 

I've struggled over Christmas due to the change of routine and things. I work in a shop, so I haven't had the same break, but my normal routine has been broken up by snow and may be again next week.

 

With cleaning, it's not necessary to use a wide variety of different products for different surfaces. Most things can be perfectly adequately cleaned with hot water and washing up liquid, which would at least limit the smells to one which you are familiar with. Wearing rubber gloves might help with the feel of things, unless of course thay are one of the sensations you can't stand.

 

Maybe if you split the household cleaning chores into ones you do and ones your boyfriend does, and then explain how you like his jobs done, it might work out better. It could take the pressure off you a bit as you only have to do half, and if he doesn't have to do the whole lot then he might feel more inclined to do them how you like.

 

With the socialising, you probably have to accept that other people do want to talk about the Christmas holidays, and go along with that for the sake of getting on with them. Seeing the conversation as a means to an end (appearing friendly) may make it more tolerable. Maybe you can prepare some answers since you already know that people are going to ask.

 

Sorry that your shopping didn't work out like you planned. I hope your shopping trip went OK today.

 

I find that to-do lists are a good way of breaking down large tasks into manageable ones, and also to prioritise the urgent ones and less urgent ones so that I don't stress about not getting it all done. Sometimes I need help to break things down. Your boyfriend might be able to step back from your situation and help you with breaking things down.

 

You sound more stressed than depressed, though obviously I don't know everything that's going on in your head. Effective counselling can help a great deal with finding healthy ways to deal with things. Medication is not always the only option, but it can take the edge off and enable you to recover. I personally see antidepressants as being like a crutch - if you break your leg, the crutch is something to take the weight off the broken bone while it heals, but it doesn't actually cure the break . . . don't know if that makes any sense, but it does to me.

 

Good luck with work tomorrow. I hope you can get in and get your first day back over with!

[smiley1590]

with cleaning alot have you thought about OCD with AS maybe ??? i do exercise once a week normally at the gym and makes happy hormones endorpins ro round your body also helps with low self esteem depression anxiety etc i also same in you as that if my mood drops and is low i cancel going due to my low energy and motvation levels at that time!

 

take care

XKLX

[kerryt84]

I bought a little flip book thing actually that has a different feeling on every page. I'm going to start using that with my boyfriend but I need to adapt it some more first as I think it's meant to be a joke thing and a lot of the feelings are very obscure. Obviously I wouldn't use it at work, but at work I keep to myself mostly so expressing my feelings isn't such a problem. But on the other hand I let people walk all over me and agree to everything that I'm asked so maybe it is a problem.

 

I am going to ask my boyfriend if he will do the washing up tonight and try and approach the subject again of not waiting until the next day to do it. I have very recently put an mp3 player in the kitchen and that has definitely helped.

 

My colleagues don't know I have AS, but the ones who work closely with me know I hate conflict and am a very anxious person. I'm in the process of trying to get a diagnosis so if I get it, I will seriously consider telling at least the head teacher because I do feel that I need more support in certain areas. I think they will be offering me a more senior position soon, and although I know I could make a difference I would also find some aspects very challenging because of my difficulties and it's only fair they know that beforehand.

 

To be honest, it's not the cleaning products that bother me, it's the smells of used food, the bin, the dishwasher. Maybe I should start wearing a nose peg! I don't like wearing rubber gloves because they make my hands stink and feel funny, but I don't have a choice because I have a sensitivity to water on my hands (aquagenic pruritus) and I can't cope having my hands touch water for even a few seconds. And yes Smiley I have been diagnosed with OCD, but it was a lot worse when I was younger, now it's not so much of a problem. More of a sensory issue I think.

 

I went shopping this afternoon and it wasn't actually too bad, quieter than I thought, but still stressed me out a bit. Had a rest when I came back. I've done everything on my to do list now, so I'm feeling very pleased with myself. Just got to get tomorrow out of the way now.

[GreatZapper]

I'm a teacher too, in middle management (secondary head of year). I'm undiagnosed AS, but my daughter has a diagnosis and it was through that process a couple of years ago that I acknowledged that there's a strong probability I'm on the spectrum somewhere.

 

Teaching is stressful. Whether you're primary, secondary or special, it doesn't matter, it's a damn hard job which has a tendency to take over our lives given half a chance. Mix that in with domestic concerns and sometimes it can seem overwhelming - coming home after a tough day, with a couple of hours work still ahead of you, and having the washing up to deal with, or whatever, is even harder.

 

As far as the socialising thing is concerned, in my large secondary it's very easy to avoid that, especially with the job I do - I can always magic up some paperwork to do and go and sit in my office and have some quiet time while doing work at my own pace. I appreciate this might not be the same for you - but is there a quiet space in your school where you can settle and do work? My AS doesn't really manifest itself in the classroom, oddly (other than some backwards-assed explanations of some concepts sometimes, but hey...) and there's nothing like the healing power of a good lesson to boost my confidence. Kids sometimes are brilliant at taking my mind off whatever's going on in it and it's possible to have some fantastically random, silly, nonsensical conversations with them given half a chance. I can also go and do a duty at lunchtime to wander round the playground/dinner hall/wherever to get myself out of the socialising loop; having to socialise, or at least feeling I should be, is one of the hardest things I find I have to do and so I will happily go off and do some work instead to side-step it.

 

I have come clean to my line manager about my suspicions about myself, which, with my permission, she shared with the head. I have no regrets basically - remember reasonable adjustment applies to us just as much as the kids. They know I can't necessarily deal with non-specific situations, vague instructions, implications, seeing the bigger picture, and the like, and have built things in to make sure I'm not out of the loop. Obviously whether you feel confident in confiding with someone is dependent on you, what your school's management is like and whether you feel it would be positive for you - like I said, after much discussion and heart-searching with my wife, I decided to come clean to mine. But, interestingly, they told me not to go for a diagnosis as it might jeopardise my job chances in the future, as of course it would have to be declared on any job application.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 10, 2010 by GreatZapper

[Tally]

But, interestingly, they told me not to go for a diagnosis as it might jeopardise my job chances in the future, as of course it would have to be declared on any job application.

Most jobs do not require you to declare your medical history. There are some exceptions, but I don't think teaching is one of them.

If you don't declare your diagnosis, then you can't later request adjustments on the grounds of your condition, so you do need to think about whether you would need adjustments if you're considering not declaring. But if you needed adjustments it probably would have become apparent by now, and a formal diagnosis wouldn't change whether you needed them or not.

[Meethoss]

Um, I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to post this here (I don't see why not, but sorry if I'm not) or whether it will help anyone but for the teachers if you wanna talk to anyone you can always try the Teacher Support Network - they give free online help (http://www.teachersupport.info) or free help over the phone (08000 562561), including life coaching and counselling.

 

I should point out how I know about this - I'm the IT manager at the contact centre that runs the helplines. However I should also point out that it's extremely confidential. If anyone phones it up nothing will get back to me (in case that is your concern) and they will not tell anyone anything confidential about you unless your or anyone else's life is in danger. (And on that same note I'd appreciate it if nobody mentions me as I do not tell people that I have Asperger's)

 

Hope that can be of help to someone.

[trekster]

Hi everyone, I didn't know whether to post or not, but I would just like some advice and support.

 

I'm really not coping with things at the moment, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm very anxious at the moment because I go back to work on Monday, after 3 weeks off (I'm a teacher). I don't deal very well with going back after the holidays because I'm out of routine and I get very anxious about all the socialising I will have to do. I'm not interested in telling people how my Christmas and New Year were and I don't like the way it's not just a normal 'hello' to everyone like on other days of the year, but all Happy New Year etc. Also I don't know if I will be going back because of the snow, so that is leaving me anxious.

 

i find getting back into the routine of things after a break is very difficult. In fact ive been unable to do this (after taking a break due to mental health reasons) with my driving. The longer i had off the harder it was to get back into the swing of things. i would just say "happy new year" back to them and if they ask about Xmas answer "it was ok too much to go into, how was yours?"

Today I was meant to tidy and clean the whole house, because I hate starting work again if it is not immaculate. But I just couldn't do it, I kept going to do it but would just stare at what I had to do and then a huge wave of not being able to cope would come over me. Cleaning is a real problem for me and it's beginning to get a bit out of control. I can't handle all the smells and the feel of things on my hands and often I freak out while cleaning. My boyfriend does help with the cleaning, but he does it to man standards and it just leaves me feeling stressed because he hasn't done it properly. I wish we could afford a cleaner because it would cause me a lot less anxiety. After preparing dinner today and leaving it to cook I had to lay down for an hour because I just felt so overwhelmed and in particular sensory overload.

 

This sounds familiar when we have something else distracting us we cannot concentrate on alternatives. Even the distracting activity i find isn't distracting enough. i found on my birthday last year whilst watching a musical i was worrying about my future holiday whilst it was playing! i pay my mum a small amount a week to clean my flat and her standards are good enough for me.

I just can't focus on anything either, and I will start doing something but give up after literally a couple of minutes then start doing something else but give up on that too. All I want to do is lay in a dark room and watch TV and not have to do anything, but there are things I have to do before I go back to work on Monday. Oh yeah and I forgot, our usual routine is to order our weekly shop online on Saturday to be delivered on Sunday, but when we went to do it today all slots were taken because of the weather. That freaked me out too, and the thought of having to go to the supermarket tomorrow is not a good one.

 

This sounds like constant overload, also your reluctance to be able to get anything done and wish to hide away clearly indicates depression. Could your boyfriend go and do the shopping whilst you try and clean the house? i got to this stage of constant anxiety and depression sometime ago. im not working and cant even get an interview (only got 3 in 18months of trying) but i feel its a full time job keeping my flat sorted.

 

I know some of you may suggest I'm depressed. Maybe I am, I'm not really sure. Part of me feels I can't be because I feel very lucky in my life, I'm doing well in my job, I have an amazing boyfriend and live in a lovely house. I just feel that my issues are getting on top of me, and I can feel it won't be long until I crack. I only want to see my doctor as a last resort as he would just suggest anti depressants which I'm not too keen on, and also it will cause me a lot of anxiety to book an appointment and I won't be able to communicate properly what the problem is.

 

Any advice on any of these issues would be great, thanks.

 

There are a few books that i have found useful, "time management for busy people" you mention you cant focus but this could help you focus on 5min tasks.

"user guide to gf/cf diet for autism, aspergers and ADHD" if you decide dietary interventions.

"how to be yourself in a world that's different"

"the asperger personal guide"

the latest edition of asperger united (free magazine for and by asperger/autistic folk who live in the uk).

"anxiety and depression workbook for dummies" although NOT autism specific has helped me to identify my anxiety and depression and i have been working through this with my uni mentor but your boyfriend could help you.

If you have problems saying "no" to people then ive found "the little book of no" a useful book. It shows you with specific examples how to say no and mean it!

 

i haven't read but i hear this is a good book "asperger syndrome and anxiety".

 

If you boyfriend will read books he could read up about "girls and asperger syndrome" or he could try an Autism parent/carer support group (we have couples and spouses of autistic/asperger adults at our parent/carers group, i attend since my carer is unable to but thats another story for another time).

 

The only things that resolved my anxiety/depression (now my emotional states are affected only by lack of food or unrecognised need for sleep) was to sort my diet out and start taking supplements. i took out gluten, milk, msg, aspartame (and in my case needed benzoates as they were causing severe aggression bordering on psychosis). i felt worse at 1st but that was expected as i was addicted to these products in my foods, toiletries and medicines. i was even craving my risperdal tablets WITHOUT having self harm tendencies. Milk is easier to remove 1st as it takes a few days to clear out the system. i found i could remember things better and think clearer without the milk. There is a section on this forum for autism treatments, ask there if you need any help finding substitutes, supplements or recipes (there is also a uk based yahoo group Pm me for details).

 

i then added in the following supplements (all available online or through your local health food shop)

 

fish oils (catch all treatment for depression but take about 12 weeks to work).

5htp (helped with the depression/insomnia).

taurine (i take 2g and it helps a lot with my anxiety also good if you swim frequently)

mag (good for muscle function),

cal (calming mineral),

b6 (aggression and b6 induced mag deficiency),

b12 (cognitive abilities improved on this so i was stuttering only under stress, word recall was better as well),

milk thistle (i had problems regulating my body temperature and also helped with my bowel function),

b50 (essential for mood and these high dosage supplements really helped me as i needed them on top of the other anti depressants),

 

i started slowly adding in one supplement at a time (making sure it was gluten milk and benzoate free at least). If no negative reaction within a week i added something else at the end of the week. i decided which supplement to take based on my symptoms, for me aggression related depression was worse so i needed the b6 1st. You can start on the fish oils (or some other alternative if you are vegetarian i prefer the eye-q brand) at the same time as another supplement.

 

You might not feel depressed but it doesn't exclude the possibility. If you don't wish to take anti depressants would you consider some form of anti anxiety medication instead? i cannot tolerate certain medications so i fully understand your reluctance to refuse medicine. Could you manage a telephone appointment with your GP? Mine was willing to answer a quick question yesterday when i needed to double check something on some over the counter flu remedy. Have you tried phoning or emailing Samaritans, autism helpline, depression alliance or other charitable support groups?

 

Would joining an autism social group in your area be helpful to you? i have found mine to be a lifeline and im a bit of a loss as ours was cancelled tonight due to the snow.

 

HTH

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

First of all sorry to hear you are not feeling so great. I think sometimes we can be a little bit hard of ourselves and expecting ourselves to go go go! I would say there is not problem with wanting to have your own time when you can do what you like, Christmas time can be a very demanding time and as you say when you get back you feel you have to say happy new year, and when some1 asks you how your christmas was, you feel you have to ask them how thiers was.

 

For some reason i haven't found this to be a problem, however it depends on your work situation. If pub group was on tonight i would have had about 20 people wishing me a "happy new year" but as im a pagan my new year began last June anyway! Im not sure what im going to say when asked "what did you do for new year?" but since the members of the pub group are autistic/asperger i can tell if they really do mean it. One person im going to have to ask 1st "how was your xmas, birthday and new year?" and i snapped at her over a misunderstanding last time we met up

I went back to work today and it was not very nice, yes on the one hand its is nice if people smile at you and ask you if you have had a good break, and yet its another if they are saying it because they feel they have to. I found i was saying happy new year to people and they could not care less, they did not look at me or smile, and i just thought what is the point.

 

i wait for others to say "happy new year" after i say hello to them. i might ask them "what's the matter?" or even do 'flower girls' greeting "hello, nice to see you again" with a smile. i rarely say "happy new year" to someone who looks miserable as i don't wish to make them feel worse. For all i know they could have received some bad news, broken up with their partner or be feeling ill. Sometimes sitting down and talk to them cheers them up "i hope your day improves and that you have a happy new year" is one way to end the conversation.

 

It bothers me that folk often feel they have to drag themselves into work when they are ill. If i get a cold (for example) it affects me on average (due to my fibromyalgia) for 50% longer than non fibromites. i feel it is grossly unfair that you are expected to work if you have a cold. In my case it could cause a remission of my ME that i recovered from sometime ago. Al i have to do is push myself to attend work commitments when im feeling rough and i could be sick again.

I find it is safe to ask people if they have had a good Christmas, they normally say yes what about you, then you can quickly say " i had a good time thank you" and that is the end of the matter.

 

With me it wouldn't be safe as i had a PTSD trigger on Xmas eve and was crying on Xmas day. At least it improved towards the end. i would say as it happens to be true "it was great to catch up with my uncles girlfriend as i hardly see her". For a few of my friends they had Hanukkah and their new year is different to mine as they are Jewish. Im wondering if that's why my neighbour (who i hardly see and don't seek out as he appears shy) didn't return my Xmas card?

I have been accused of being full on and needy as I often talk to people intently because i find it difficult to deduce what some1 is asking but they could not give two monkeys if you drowned in the sea. So now i cope by speaking very fast and saying very well thank you and how about you. Some people like to hug at new year, if people are good friends they can do that.

 

If they give tight hugs i permit them, if my fibro is playing up i cant permit them but will offer to shake their hand instead.

I feel as i am rumbling here. Have you found the cold to really get to you, one thing that i personally find relaxing is meditating, you can get techniques online, I have also discovered belly dancing, its fun and you get to sweat and drink loads of water, the good thing with belly dancin is any1 can do it, regardless of age, or size. You can just stand in front of your laptop and do some move. It has been proved that if you do exercises your brain releases some feel good hormones. Or if there was a book in you read last year go back and read it again usually that helps. I hope you feel better soon. A good long bath is usually a fine way of relaxing as well. I hope you find this helpful.

 

kind regards

 

i know this wasn't aimed at me but unless i can meditate and do something else im unable to start on even considering trying it. My doing 2 things at once obsession is quite overloading at times but it gets things done. The only reason why im posting at this time of the morning is that i woke up early (another sign of depression but i think it was my headache this time) and the tv is off so hopefully i will be able to get back to bed again.

 

Housework is exercise! If you still feel you cannot motivate yourself then try strawberries in the morning to get yourself going. Also if on anti histamines consider lowering the dose as low histamine depression can seem like autistic inertia.

 

i wish you well on your recovery, overcoming depression is a full time job.

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

Some useful links from the NAS website

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=2194 "a guide to partners"

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=2194 "useful websites for partners of people with ASD"

 

http://www.harc-online.org.uk/index02a.htm NAS hertfordshire branch (under development so some of the links arent working on this site)

Contact details are support@harc-online.org.uk 07836 667394

 

Laurence Griffin

Branch Officer

Breaks Manor

Link Drive

Hatfield

Hertfordshire

AL10 8TP

 

Taken from autism services directory website.

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=914&a=9861 NAS Branches in SE England (in case there is a group nearer to you than the HARC branch)

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp...922&a=17767 NAS autism resource centres (your nearest ones appear to be in Croydon and Surrey)

 

http://www.autismdirectory.org.uk/Pages/Br...tus=1&hi=-1

There doesn't appear to be a social group in your area, but there is a London meet up appearing soon which im attending.

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

Hi Kerry,

 

I don't think you're depressed, if you are them i am too! I'm not going to be much help as i can't really fix any of your problems, but i recognise all 3 of your points in myself.

 

I hate going back to work after Christmas new year for exactly the reason you state. I have a couple of fixed greetings i use to deal with the morning welcome from everyone, so i don't offend or come across too rude. But on 4th jan everyone is asking way more questions than usual and they're all doing slightly different things and asking slightly different questions and i'm not prepared enough to answer them. I will never fully understand people asking questions that don't mean anything and they don't really want an answer to. Unfortunately "fine thanks" works for the weekend but not Christmas

 

i call rhetorical questions "stupid questions" for the same reason. i ask a question because im interested in the answer not some silly social convention or just to be nice (cringe).

I tried to remember it only happens once a year, get through it without offending anyone and i can go back to "fine thanks" or "not too bad thanks" for every monday.

 

oh i also hate sending an email to someone then getting "happy new year" at the start of the reply, meaning i should have put that on my email to them and didnt... sigh. I didn't realise we were friendly enough to do that.

 

i would just reply "thanks and a happy new year to you as well".

With the snow i'm telling myself this is the worst since 1960 something and it won't happen again!

 

i was told the worst since 1982 for our region (SW england).

I'm fortunate that my wife does most of the cleaning and i don't have to get dirty. I help when i feel able but that's all, so can't really offer much support there.

 

Congratulations on your job house and boyfriend they'll be around longer than the snow!

 

Excellent point there, you have something you can work with a stable home and a fella that cares for you. ive got the home im just looking for the fella and job (hope thats the right smiley)

 

Alexis

 

 

[trekster]

Hey Kerry,

 

Whilst going back to work was mostly fine for me (I didn't have a great Christmas and was getting really bored with my mind being under-stimulated so was therefore really looking forward to going back) there were a few moments where people asked me if I had a good Christmas but I mostly just said yeah and then moved on.

 

i find it hard to tell a white lie like that in this situation. My Xmas wasn't too great either, quite overloading in fact as i was reassured my nephew wouldn't need to sleep when i needed the tv and then he did! So very last minute the room i needed to use wasn't available for me to use.

Today, however, I went for a full shop for the first time in probably two months (in that time I've probably only popped out 3 times to get one or two things). I was really, really anxious about this and was on the inside quite panicky and was having mild tunnel vision. At one point I saw two friends (a guy I play footie with and his girlfriend who I know through her sister) and really wasn't sure what to say (I ended up asking her if she wore contacts cos I'd never noticed her strange eye colour before!) - I ended up wrapping up the conversation quickly and moving on as if I was in a rush. I got through it all ok just by sticking to my usual routine of going up and down all the aisles. I later asked my friend who was with me if she thought I seemed ok and she said yes - this is me and my AS to a nutshell, nobody around me notices a thing because I'm so good at internalising everything!

 

Im unable to shop without anyone with me and we got a lot done yesterday and did the shopping on Friday. Well done for politely wrapping up the conversation something im yet to master. im the opposite i tend to externalise stuff but try and do so with the right people. bottling it up is only likely to cause severe self harm relapses in my case

Anyhow, what I usually find that works for me when I have big jobs to do which can seem overwhelming is to break things down in to smaller parts. Group them together in the most efficient way and take each job one at a time. I then try to take breaks in between to ensure I don't get bored or tired of what I'm doing, and then go back to them a little while later.

 

Excellent idea and i find this helpful as well. im finding that during ad breaks i can get the washing put on (or unloaded) or can unload or load the dishwasher, or can get some recycling done. i get a buzz out of challenging myself to "get as much done before the tv programme comes back". Im unable to clean my flat as it would cause severe pain and near constant exhaustion.

Oh, also - I take offence at your comment! I'm a guy and my cleaning is (mostly) extremely meticulous! I also generally agree with your point about anti-depressants - I think it's better to deal with the cause, not the symptom. Although I also believe it can be necessary to take them to allow you to deal with the cause, but only as a last resort.

 

Good luck with everything

 

i wasn't sure what to think of the man type cleaning comment either. Im sure kerry meant "but his standards are well below mine despite his efforts". Even as a last resort i wont take them, i find im unable to suffer 4 weeks of emotional pain to "see if this medication can work or not". 5htp takes 3 days to work in contrast. In the past i used to overdose on my meds as i thought the whole bottle would cure me. This of course was a completely dangerous thing to do and not something im likely to in the future im pleased to say.

 

ive had one breakdown in 1998 and 2 near nervous breakdowns either end of 2005 so ive hit rock bottom and come out the other side.

 

Alexis (feeling less depressed now her supplements are sorted out)

 

[trekster]

I knew you guys would help, you've cheered me up just by reading your comments and knowing you cared enough to reply.

 

Tomorrow I will just take a deep breath and know that all the 'Hello's' and 'Happy New Year's' will be over quite soon. I will look forward to when I am alone with my close because that is the part I love in teaching and my class now are the best class I've ever had. What annoys me most is when I'm just being polite responding to someone asking how my Christmas was, and then I ask how theirs was and I'm stood there for 10 minutes while they explain every last bit of it. Mygifts1306 I know some people like to hug at this time of year, and that makes me really uncomfortable. I would never initiate it and I'm hoping people at my new job don't know me well enough to do it.

 

Problem is you did ask how their Xmas went, so they are likely to respond with their level of detail. They may not be able to summarise their words, i happen to be the sort of person who will answer in great detail. Also i will take offence if i sense they aren't listening tome and walk off if i pick upon this.

 

Running an emulator (ie trying to fit in with others) is hard work i get that completely.

Exercise would definitely help me feel better, and it is my resolution to do some more exercise, but it hasn't really kicked off yet (another thing to annoy me). I will try and do some today depending on my mood. It's a vicious circle, because I feel too low and unmotivated to do exercise, but the exercise would help to make me feel better. Reading a book would help too, but I'd feel guilty if I hadn't done all my jobs first.

 

i found disabled swimming was the only form of exercise, then there's the exercise lovers manage to do IYCWIM.

Thanks for your comments Jingo, I agree about saying Happy New Year in emails, that annoys me too.

 

Js Mum your comments are always so spot on, thank you. You must be a great mum! I do have a visual timetable at school (which the staff think is a good idea, but they don't realise it's mostly for me, lol) but I could do something similar at home. I do have a timetable that I sometimes use and break down what I'm doing every hour of the day. The problem I find is that if I don't keep to it I get stressed out. It's trying to figure out what causes the least stress - having it or not. I think it's also a good idea planning what I will do tomorrow if I'm not at work.

 

Im the same with my timetables which indicates to me they are too rigid for me to follow. At the moment im working on getting 3 meals a day (something even 14 years post diagnosis i still cant muster). Then i will move onto sleeping at a more reasonable hour ie anytime after 10pm but before 12am. Then i will make sure my supplements are in order and taken at regular intervals, once all that is sorted out i should be able to tackle the other stuff in my life.

I've written a 'to do' list of things that need to be done today which has helped calm me a bit. I'm also going to ask my boyfriend to do some of the cleaning to help out. I don't tell him that his cleaning is not to my standard I just suffer in silence. One of my problems is that I can't communicate when I am not happy with something.

 

You could make a deal with your boyfriend that you do all the cleaning if he does all the cooking? By "being unable to communicate when unhappy" do you mean you go non verbal? or you just feel unable to put into words what's bothering you? i found the b12 helped with the getting the words out, hasnt sorted out how to get the words out though

I would like to set up a rota, but I don't think he will stick to it. One of the things in our house is that I do the cooking and he does the cleaning up after, but he can never be bothered right after so leaves it till he gets back from work the next day. But, by then I'm starting dinner and often the things I need aren't clean and it pushes me over the edge. I asked him if we could start a new rule in the New Year of him doing the cleaning up the same night, but he wasn't keen. I don't know how to make it clear to him that it is such a big problem for me. I didn't think about the issues I might have if I had a cleaner, and I bet you're right. My boyfriend describes me as Monica from friends, lol.

 

Can you afford a dishwasher? i find mines a necessity since im unable to deal with extremes of temperature. Also it is a tabletop dishwasher but very noisy so the last thing to go on before i leave the house/kitchen. Have you tried saying to him "it upsets me when im unable to find clean dishes to cook the dinner with. i feel my cooking efforts are unappreciated since there's rarely something i can cook with and it causes severe anxiety". Ask him what he can do about the situation or even why he wont clean up after dinner. He could do the dishes whilst you are getting a shower/bath in the evening for example. The other alternative is to buy more dishes so you have twice as much as you need of everything.

I think I will set up a relaxation area ready for tomorrow. I usually get in from work first so I could relax before my boyfriend gets in.

 

It will be difficult to go shopping at a quieter time today because it is usually busy on a Sunday, but I will tell myself I can have a treat when I get back and see if that helps. Luckily I don't know many people around here Meethoss so hopefully I won't bump into anyone, because I'm not in the mood for pleasantries. And sorry if I caused offence, lol, you must be one of the rare exceptions. Fancy coming to do my cleaning?

 

Thanks again everyone, I better go and start working through my 'to do' list, wish me luck!

 

Good idea to have some downtime before your fella arrives. Many autistics need more alone time than NTs due to the effort required to concentrate on socialising. i have gone shopping late at night but that's not possible on a Sunday in certain areas. Also if you have work the next day unless it's a bank holiday it's not recommended to shop late at night at all.

 

Good luck!

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

Kerry

 

I have made feelings cards for J to help him how he feels, you can get specialised cards that express feelings, Autism cards I think there called, but they are a small card with an expression on and a description feeling, these could help.

 

i find these cards scary and creepy but they could help those with alexithymia (inability to express emotions) or other issues with saying how you feel.

 

Also I dont wash up my pots straight after a meal, I wash mine around an hour after, I think it would be a good idea to set a cut off time where the pots must be washed, so if you eat at 6pm, the pots are all out the way by 8pm/

 

Also its quite a boring job, does the kitchen have a radio/cd player, I put one in my kitchen and its a lot easier now.

 

Good luck with your shopping but once you have done it, the pressure will be a lot less.

 

Glad I was able to help you.

 

JsMumxxx

 

Good idea about the cut off time, kerry mentioned that her fella doesn't wash them in time for the next meal. i love music when i work, excellent motivator.

 

Alexis

 

 

[trekster]

Glad you're feeling better about things. Yeah I'm not a fan of hugging, it kinda confuses me. So does hand shaking - never sure whether to do the straight forward hand shake or the "buddies" hand grab where you kinda grab each others thumbs and make a fist. End up fumbling embarrassingly with the other person, haha.

 

I understand too about the washing up - when I was with my ex I always had to do the cooking, and then she'd never wash anything up so when I came to cook again the things I needed weren't there so I'd wash up as well. It was the same with other chores in the house and I eventually just stopped doing everything and that forced her to do something. Although it had a bit of a long-term negative effect on me because for a long time I stopped doing any chores and now that I'm living back with my mum's it's annoyed her a bit. I'm slowly trying to start doing more around the house now though.

 

i would always go for the straight handshake until they attempted the buddies one (if at all). i hadn't heard of that handshake until you mentioned it.

 

Problem is if we do someone else's chores for them they can take advantage of that fact. You could say to them "i will cook the dinner after you have done the washing up from last night". Then fold your arms in front of you to indicate you are annoyed and see what happens. Good idea about going on strike, if you can follow it through, my mum isn't able to follow through her strikes but my brother (NT i think) has got better at helping out at home.

 

If you live in the south of England there is an excellent housing scheme i would recommend to you. i say would recommend as it depends on which benefits you can claim, your level of savings (need 5k) and whether you can get a support package or not.

 

Alexis

[trekster]

Hi Kerry,

 

I've struggled over Christmas due to the change of routine and things. I work in a shop, so I haven't had the same break, but my normal routine has been broken up by snow and may be again next week.

 

One thing i love about the NAS social groups in my area is they continue all year around. They are planned so not to clash with Xmas and new year and in exceptional circumstances can be moved to a week later or have an alternative if need be, such as new year party at deaf centre is the 2nd Sunday of Jan instead of our 1st Sunday. May is also moved to the week after for the same reason. We stop in August and do something different to the group (if anyone can be organised to tell the leader what's going on that is, severe apathy in our groups).

 

One of the groups stops for uni holidays so i organise an alternative meeting in a local pub (it is a social group that meets in a pub). There have been other problems with this group which the NAS is working on correcting.

With cleaning, it's not necessary to use a wide variety of different products for different surfaces. Most things can be perfectly adequately cleaned with hot water and washing up liquid, which would at least limit the smells to one which you are familiar with. Wearing rubber gloves might help with the feel of things, unless of course that is one of the sensations you can't stand.

 

Maybe if you split the household cleaning chores into ones you do and ones your boyfriend does, and then explain how you like his jobs done, it might work out better. It could take the pressure off you a bit as you only have to do half, and if he doesn't have to do the whole lot then he might feel more inclined to do them how you like.

 

Both are excellent suggestions. i find i have to be out of the house when mum cleans my place, she still puts things in the wash that dont need doing and forgets to replace the bin bag (which i only notice when something needs throwing out) in the kitchen. But she is better than a dirty house. Also she can use any cleaning products including ones with benzoate in since im not touching the surfaces shes cleaning.

(snipped as i wouldn't ever be able to just be friendly for the sake of it).

 

Sorry that your shopping didn't work out like you planned. I hope your shopping trip went OK today.

 

I find that to-do lists are a good way of breaking down large tasks into manageable ones, and also to prioritise the urgent ones and less urgent ones so that I don't stress about not getting it all done. Sometimes I need help to break things down. Your boyfriend might be able to step back from your situation and help you with breaking things down.

 

You sound more stressed than depressed, though obviously I don't know everything that's going on in your head. Effective counselling can help a great deal with finding healthy ways to deal with things. Medication is not always the only option, but it can take the edge off and enable you to recover. I personally see antidepressants as being like a crutch - if you break your leg, the crutch is something to take the weight off the broken bone while it heals, but it doesn't actually cure the break . . . don't know if that makes any sense, but it does to me.

 

Good luck with work tomorrow. I hope you can get in and get your first day back over with!

 

Being unmotivated and having extreme anxiety, also saying "i cant cope" indicate depression to me.

[trekster]

I bought a little flip book thing actually that has a different feeling on every page. I'm going to start using that with my boyfriend but I need to adapt it some more first as I think it's meant to be a joke thing and a lot of the feelings are very obscure. Obviously I wouldn't use it at work, but at work I keep to myself mostly so expressing my feelings isn't such a problem. But on the other hand I let people walk all over me and agree to everything that I'm asked so maybe it is a problem.

 

Sounds like "the little book of no" is urgently needed in your household.

I am going to ask my boyfriend if he will do the washing up tonight and try and approach the subject again of not waiting until the next day to do it. I have very recently put an mp3 player in the kitchen and that has definitely helped.

 

If he says no ask him "how can i cook dinner tomorrow when there's nothing clean to put the food in?" Well done for the mp3 player.

My colleagues don't know I have AS, but the ones who work closely with me know I hate conflict and am a very anxious person. I'm in the process of trying to get a diagnosis so if I get it, I will seriously consider telling at least the head teacher because I do feel that I need more support in certain areas. I think they will be offering me a more senior position soon, and although I know I could make a difference I would also find some aspects very challenging because of my difficulties and it's only fair they know that beforehand.

 

i also hate conflict despite what others might think of me. i hope you manage to get an autism diagnosis i have friends all over the uk also attempting to get diagnosed.

To be honest, it's not the cleaning products that bother me, it's the smells of used food, the bin, the dishwasher. Maybe I should start wearing a nose peg! I don't like wearing rubber gloves because they make my hands stink and feel funny, but I don't have a choice because I have a sensitivity to water on my hands (aquagenic pruritus) and I can't cope having my hands touch water for even a few seconds. And yes Smiley I have been diagnosed with OCD, but it was a lot worse when I was younger, now it's not so much of a problem. More of a sensory issue I think.

 

I went shopping this afternoon and it wasn't actually too bad, quieter than I thought, but still stressed me out a bit. Had a rest when I came back. I've done everything on my to do list now, so I'm feeling very pleased with myself. Just got to get tomorrow out of the way now.

 

It mentions that your skin condition can result in severe depression. Also that it can be treated with a variety of meds, anti histamines (which would cause me to be depressed if i had to take them), doxepin (an anti depressant strangely enough), naltrexone which some studies have indicated helps autism in low doses. Also read that cotton clothes and bedding can relieve the itching.

 

You might be able to get latex free 'rubber' gloves which could be more sensory tolerant. im an OCDer as well, excessive hoarding, worrying, time obsession, compulsive spender (almost recovered from that bit). One of my hyperactive friends has your type of OCD.

 

i also have problems with water. Mines to do with water temperature changes and im unable to wash a cup without it affecting my circulation. ive found some treatments help and some friends understand but something as simple as getting food out the freezer can set off an attack. My fingers go white, the nails go blue, im cold and it's painful, when the circulation returns it feels like my hands are on fire. in the past ive avoided showering as i was so cold.

 

Alexis

 

[Meethoss]

i would always go for the straight handshake until they attempted the buddies one (if at all). i hadn't heard of that handshake until you mentioned it.

 

Problem is if we do someone else's chores for them they can take advantage of that fact. You could say to them "i will cook the dinner after you have done the washing up from last night". Then fold your arms in front of you to indicate you are annoyed and see what happens. Good idea about going on strike, if you can follow it through, my mum isn't able to follow through her strikes but my brother (NT i think) has got better at helping out at home.

 

If you live in the south of England there is an excellent housing scheme i would recommend to you. i say would recommend as it depends on which benefits you can claim, your level of savings (need 5k) and whether you can get a support package or not.

 

Alexis

 

Wow, someone's been working overtime Thanks for your replies - a little too much really (sorry my mind wanders easily) but the one thing I did pick up on was the taking advantage bit. I have a tendency to be taken advantage of, especially by my last two girlfriends. My parents and friends tried to point it out but I didn't see for a long time (was with one for 2.5 years and another for 3 years). The last one actually got me £16,000 in debt - I eventually paid half of it myself and then made her take out a loan to pay the rest back to me - was very hard going but I managed in the end. I can't describe the amount of relief I experienced from a) getting out of the relationship and getting the debt sorted.

 

I'm currently saving up for a deposit on my house. I would never get DLA (or Job Seekers for that matter) as I don't class myself remotely as disabled - nothing against anyone who does though as long as they're legit. I will be happy when I have my own house and can do everything my way.

 

P.S. Hope your meeting went ok, message me and let me know if you like.

[trekster]

Wow, someone's been working overtime Thanks for your replies - a little too much really (sorry my mind wanders easily) but the one thing I did pick up on was the taking advantage bit. I have a tendency to be taken advantage of, especially by my last two girlfriends. My parents and friends tried to point it out but I didn't see for a long time (was with one for 2.5 years and another for 3 years). The last one actually got me £16,000 in debt - I eventually paid half of it myself and then made her take out a loan to pay the rest back to me - was very hard going but I managed in the end. I can't describe the amount of relief I experienced from a) getting out of the relationship and getting the debt sorted.

 

It was the least i could do considering the help you offered to my situation recently. You are welcome and i wish you well with muddling through this social maze.

 

i also get taken advantage of easily which is why i get so angry when situations like my driving instuctor keep happening. ive also had some nasty pieces of work for exs but im getting better i hope at recognising the "wheat from the chaf". Well done for ditching the dodo and getting your debt sorted. My overspending habit has been more under control lately.

I'm currently saving up for a deposit on my house. I would never get DLA (or Job Seekers for that matter) as I don't class myself remotely as disabled - nothing against anyone who does though as long as they're legit. I will be happy when I have my own house and can do everything my way.

 

P.S. Hope your meeting went ok, message me and let me know if you like.

 

i didnt know i was disabled until i applied for DLA and other benefits. Since im unable to obtain or keep work currently i have little option but to live off benefits. Having ones own house is great fun, i got mine through the 30% shared ownership scheme but mines only applicable to those on certain disability benefits and who have home help.

 

i have written a letter to the driving school, i am going to try the "unprofessional in his approach" issue 1st before bringing into the disability thing. i was supposed to have the meeting today but the snow kept me away so it will wait until next tue/thu.

 

Alexis

 

[kerryt84]

I really don't know where to start replying to your replies Trekster, lol.

 

First of all, Monday went well (first day back at work). Most people just said Happy New Year and didn't expect me to elaborate on what I did over the holidays. It was great to see my class again, that was my favourite bit. I found out I have to do a presentation to the head teachers (we have 3) next Monday which I am very anxious about. Apart from that it's good to be back in the routine. Well until today, when it snowed and the whole day was upset which I didn't like. G

 

My boyfriend doesn't know I have aspergers yet, but of course he knows I have a lot of issues. I'm writing a letter to explain about trying to get a diagnosis for aspergers and giving hints on how to help, but it's taking forever as I'm never happy with what I write.

 

I don't know if an AS social group would help me. I feel the anxiety I would feel going would defeat the object, and also I wouldn't go unless I get my diagnosis, as it wouldn't feel right if that makes sense. Sorry yours was cancelled.

 

I found a good compromise with my timetable. Instead of scheduling in everything, I just separated the days into work time and relax time. So I get to choose which work or which way to relax I want to choose, but it doesn't leave it so rigid that I don't follow it. I've found it has worked better now.

 

When I say I am unable to communicate when I am unhappy I feel it's more going non-verbal as I know in my head what I want to say, it just won't come out. Sometimes when I don't understand what I am feeling it is then that I am unable to put it into words.

 

I have tried various treatments for my skin condition when I was seeing a consultant but nothing ever worked. It has always stayed the same, never better or worse since I was a very young child. I have heard you can have light therapy which I would like to try. I just worry about when I have children, because I don't want to mae them ill because I don't wash my hands enough or have to be wearing gloves every time I bath them, they eat, I change them etc. Sometimes I wonder if it is aquagenic pruritus because I only feel it on my palms and soles of my feet and the doctor said this was not usual. I wonder if it's to do with aspergers and a sensory thing. And believe me, latex free gloves are my saviour. I wear them a lot of the time and spend a lot buying boxes of them by the hundred.

[Tally]

My boyfriend doesn't know I have aspergers yet, but of course he knows I have a lot of issues. I'm writing a letter to explain about trying to get a diagnosis for aspergers and giving hints on how to help, but it's taking forever as I'm never happy with what I write.

Another approach might be to get hold of a leaflet or web page that gives some basic information about Asperger's and let him have a read through that. It might be better if you don't inundate him with too much information at once. You could point him toward more information as and when he feels able to take it in and talk over the ways if affects you. Only a suggestion, it's got to be the way that feels right to you.

[kerryt84]

I am worried about overloading him. I did think I would write 2 letters, one explaining what aspergers is and then the next explaining how it affects me and what he can do to help. Hopefully it won't scare him away.

[trekster]

I am worried about overloading him. I did think I would write 2 letters, one explaining what aspergers is and then the next explaining how it affects me and what he can do to help. Hopefully it won't scare him away.

 

if her uses the internet you could point out the carers pages i mentioned to you.

 

Alexis

[smiley1590]

i would get some information from NAS website and write down a list of books which may help him understand AS better POV!!! here some NAS link with information which help towars explaining to him what it is how affects you etc

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=212 ( what is AS)

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=212&a=18130

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126&a=2212 ( information for partners)

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126&a=2222 ( issues for partners with people with AS)

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126&a=14051 ( common questions asked by partners)

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=127&a=3619 ( real life cases/stories partners of people with AS )

 

If you decide not to just print these different information sheets off seperately then like you said you started writing him a letter trying to explain to him you don't know how to quite put it exactly i would use some this information as notes to help you and guide with what you what to say and think would suit you both and your relationship i would highlight many points on thet sheet think that apply to you and some information that you think he needs to know bullet point them to start off then structure it into a letter format

 

hope that helps you in some way

 

good luck with it though!

take care

let us know how you get on!

XKLX