Please help!!

[Chiqqy]

My AS stepson has recently turned 18, he has always been a problem because he can't keep his hands to himself and we have had the child protection team here because I have a 14 year old son myself.

Last night he went to his social club and he had his hands in a younger boys pants "pleasuring him"!!!

I want him out the house ASAP but will any residential places take him now?

I wouldn't be surprised if other boys parents pressed charges cos I would!!

[julie1]

oh you poor thing what an awful situation to be in. I dont think the child protection team will be at all happy with this situation. I dont know to much about this as my children are younger and have not got to the sexual experiences yet. The NAS do have books for older people explaining the rights and wrongs with regards to sexual behaviour. I think you need to talk to the child protection team and tell them what happened before the police or someone else does. Pehaps they could help with finding the correct level of support for your stepson, he cant ever be left alone again after this. Im sorry i cant help more, i hope someone else nos more about this than i do.

[Chiqqy]

I have chest pains with the stress of it all.

[KezT]

I agree - call the child protection team, say what happened, say you can not have your stepson at home any longer as he is a danger to others including your son, and ask what they intend to do about it. Dump it onto them and see if you get anywhere. Got to be worth a try at least!

[joybed]

I can,t begin to imagine how you feel but i agree i wouldn,t want him around my child either. It is difficult because he possibly doesn,t realise he has done anything wrong but you need to protect your own child. I agree that it would be better to seek advice from social services yourself that way at least everything is in the open and you are not hiding things. Don,t know how your partner would feel about this though. Hugs to you at this stressful time. Sorry no other advice but just wanted to let you know i am thinking about you.

[Chiqqy]

He was dx at 10 and we have had a handfull of meetings, they don't want to know until things like this happen then they are all over us!

I have rang adult services today and told them I want him out! I smacked him so many times last night for what he did I lost count, I was shaking with anger.

His Dad put a dent in his bedroom wall throwing his playstation (instead of him). His dad hasn't done much over the years and I'm the wicked step mum but I have told them it's me who pushes for his dad to do something everytime!!

I tried to phone the sw who was involved last time a similar thing happened but no joy because she deals with children.

I'm meant to be getting a call from adult services tomorrow I will ask them if I should involve the CPT.

I'm at the end of my tether, I have family coming at the weekend because it's my birthday and I don't know how I'm going to get through it or even if I should tell them the situation.

 

I just hope there's a place that takes him otherwise his dad will have to leave with him or he will be on the street.

 

Thanks all xxx

[baddad]

Hi Chiggy -

 

In no way wanting to detract from the seriousness of the situation, I do wonder about how much of this is to do with the incident etc and how much of it is to do with your personal feelings towards your stepson?

 

I did recall your name from your last - and only other - post:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...mp;#entry270759

 

and it does seem to me that your relationship with your stepson is not likely to be a 'good' one for either of you. As I said, not distracting from the seriousness of the situation at all, but it would seem one that needs very careful handling for all concerned, and if all you want to do - in fact, have wanted to do since your first post over six months ago - is 'get him out' then the kind of support he needs, regardless of whether he 'knew' what he was doing or whether there are other considerations - doesn't sound likely.

Perhaps this is a situation where regardless of your feelings about his dad's parenting abilities (or lack of them) you do need to step back or possibly even make the decision you suggest about your ongoing relationship with his father, because with the best will in the world I don't think you're the best person to make these decisions, and I suspect if it was a step dad making this post rather than a step mum somebody would have already pointed that out.

 

L&P

 

BD

[julie1]

He was dx at 10 and we have had a handfull of meetings, they don't want to know until things like this happen then they are all over us!

I have rang adult services today and told them I want him out! I smacked him so many times last night for what he did I lost count, I was shaking with anger.

His Dad put a dent in his bedroom wall throwing his playstation (instead of him). His dad hasn't done much over the years and I'm the wicked step mum but I have told them it's me who pushes for his dad to do something everytime!!

I tried to phone the sw who was involved last time a similar thing happened but no joy because she deals with children.

I'm meant to be getting a call from adult services tomorrow I will ask them if I should involve the CPT.

I'm at the end of my tether, I have family coming at the weekend because it's my birthday and I don't know how I'm going to get through it or even if I should tell them the situation.

 

I just hope there's a place that takes him otherwise his dad will have to leave with him or he will be on the street.

 

Thanks all xxx

smaking your stepson in anger several times has to be wrong you must have really hurt him. Does he really understand what he did was wrong? I know that by being agressive to my son (and i never repeatedly smacked him) only taught him to be agresive in return its a bad cycle to get into. and your stepson may only learn to hit out by this experience. Then he could be touching inappropiatly and assulting them after. Your stepson is 18 years old not 2/3 with a gental tap on the hand for dangerous situations, im sorry to go on but assulting your stepson is also very wrong. You really must get support now talk to your family maybe they could look after him for a while and give you a break.

[Chiqqy]

Get support you say, sorry but I am screaming out for support and have been for years! "They" are always in meetings or on leave! They don't get on our case when we want the help but they do when he "misbehaves". If they had helped us sooner, gave us some guidance this might never have happened!

I don't like the way I feel toward him but at least I'm not pretending to like him to anyone!

My parenting is fine as my own two sons are perfectly normal, polite intelligent and honest human beings.

Funny how CPT was called last time he did somethng like this before he was 18 but nothings being done now he's over 18. I was told today he has a "friendship" with the child involved. Well evey friendship he has had has ended in inappropiate behaviour. Is that my fault? Is he crying out for affection? Well his dad couldn't do that because his ex accused him of abuse so he wouldn't dare be affectionate in case the finger was pointed.

I though I would get some understanding here.

My own outlook on other peoples lives is ......walk a mile in mile shoes before you jugde me.

I have done way too much to give up on my partner now after ten years, I have done way too much for his son as well.

And do you know what I am gonna get in return? Nothing but an early grave.

Thanks for your judements.

I guess I'm all alone on this one.

[KezT]

If Social services/CPT etc aren't reacting, the alternative is to call the police, report it as a crime and state that you refuse to allow him back into your house. They will have to arrest him as there is a public safety risk, and as they will have nowhere to bail him to, they will involve adult social services or whichever team they think most appropriate. Or just keep him locked up if there is enough evidence......

 

It's not a nice thing to have to do, but will kick start the process quickly, and gets him out of your home and onto someone else's books as their problem to solve.

 

Obviously, I can't imagine what your partner will think of the idea. I would suggest talking it through with him first.

 

Also remember that if there is not enough evidence he will be released and I doubt he would be particularly pleased with you! Sex crimes are notoriously difficult to get convinctions on, unless the victim is absolutely squeeky clean and able to stand firm about what happened in front of everyone else.

 

 

[justine1]

I think I agree with Baddad.I agree that what he has done is wrong and unacceptable and this needs to be explained to him.But is your son really in danger from your step son? I can assume you and your son have been living with your husband and step son for some time,so surely if he was going to do this to him he would have done so.

 

Although my son is much younger,he gets violent towrds other kids but he never harms his brothers in the same manner and generally feel they are safe in each others company.

 

Another point is if you married and the home is your husbands home to then he will have a say on whether his son leaves.Personally if I were him I would always stick to my son,that means you may have to leave so I would handle the situation carefully.I do think SS needs to be aware of everything in the home so they can support all of you.

[Chiqqy]

Why would me and my children have to leave? It's our home too!

His son wants to leave so my husband has no say in the matter. He's an adult now.

How do you know he wouldn't try anything with my son? He's never been given the opportunity and he never will, but the bigger danger is if he did I'm worried my son/s would seriously hurt him!

 

I feel like your all against me, I'm only being honest, I tried really hard in the begining but he resented me from day one (oh and his real mum left when he was a tiny baby).

His clothes didn't fit him, he wasn't being fed right, his dad didn't think there was anything wrong with him, even said he thought he was hyperintelligent!! His dad didn't play with him, it was me who started the water fights in the garden in the summer, me who sat and helped with his home work, me who fed him, cuddled him when he got earache, me who told his dad to stop shouting at him all the time when he wasn't doing anything wrong.

I knew pretty early on there was something wrong with him, and no he isn't "Rainman" he's not hyperintelligent, he has learning difficulties too.

I got the ball rolling on getting his dx, getting him in the right school etc... He touched (inappropriatlY) and bit other kids in primary school, BEFORE I was on the scene.

He would strip naked in school!

His problems started long before they met me,all I tried to do was help when no-one else did, not even his dad! And now once again I'm made to feel like the wicked stepmother!!

But the fact is he's 18 and he sexually touched a 15 year old boy!!! He's wrong not me! Take AS out of the equation - if an NT did it there would be an outrage!

Or is this similar to the as fella who hacked the US navy, getting away with it cos he's AS??

 

Answer me this...............what would you do if he went to the same after school club as one of your kids. No really, what would you do??

 

 

[baranigirl]

what does your partner have to say in all this? I sense a lot of anger in your posts which must appear when dealing with your stepson

 

Am sad to hear you feel you are not being supported but abuse (mental, sexual or physical) is always going to stir folks up.

 

If you are really that concerned for your own children's safety, there is no doubt I would have left a long time ago, as you feel you cannot leave, then call the police and get your stepson locked up xx

[baranigirl]

Answer me this...............what would you do if he went to the same after school club as one of your kids. No really, what would you do??

 

I would call the cops and SS and try to get him the help he requires

 

[justine1]

Firstly I really,really didnt mean to judge you <'> .Of course I only read the info given here and do not know your history with your step son.The fact that you come here shows you need help and are at a loss and I completely respect you for that.

The reason I posted my previous post is because it appeared you were making the decision,in light of your latest posts I can see this is not the case at all,as you are saying HE wants to move out.So again the situation is you need serious outside input.

 

Again with regards to what happened with the 15year,I did make it clear that it is UNACCEPTABLE regardless of AS,just to clear that up and thats not "having a go at you."

But it did seem in the post that it was the final straw to "kick him out" (this is from your previous posts mentioned by Baddad)so again I apologise for causing offense.

 

I do think if he maybe a danger to others he needs to be in a secure place.I am suspecting he is also unhappy with the living arrangments and thats why he has decided he wants to move out.I also have to say it seems you are not getting much help from his father and you seriousley need to speak to him its not fair on you to take all this on your own and its not fair on your stepson.Once again sorry for the offense caused <'> <'>

[Tally]

Chiggy, I don't know what accusations you are defending yourself from, but I see only one negative comment made toward you, and that was extremely tactfully put. It's very difficult to know what to suggest you can do about this situation. The best solution would seem to be to speak to your husband and decide how you can get your stepson to move out of your house. You could go behind your husband's back, but you may put your relationship at risk. Or you could just do nothing, but that is clearly not working very well for you right now.

[justine1]

what does your partner have to say in all this? I sense a lot of anger in your posts which must appear when dealing with your stepson

 

Am sad to hear you feel you are not being supported but abuse (mental, sexual or physical) is always going to stir folks up.

 

If you are really that concerned for your own children's safety, there is no doubt I would have left a long time ago, as you feel you cannot leave, then call the police and get your stepson locked up xx

Yes this is the point I was trying to make,that if you feel your other children are at risk you can leave.I know its your home and the kids but what is more important your kids safety or there home and material things? I left my ex when I thought he was causing my eldest pschological damage and I was homeless with three kids + one on the way for 6 months and had to leave behind lots of luxury items and give up my job.But hopefully you can avoid this by getting the help you need.

 

One other thing,is it not possible for you to speak to the mother/father of the other boy? It maybe he is to afraid to talk.Yes it maybe a negative thing short term for your son but he is at least 90% more likely to get help moving out and with help for himself.As mentioned it seems you have only three options you keep trying to seek help in gettting him out of the home not knowing how long it will take,you contact SS and police and tell them what has happened or if you really feel you cant take it anymore and your other child/ren are in danger you move even just temoraraily until he has gone.I cant really think of any other options.

[Kathryn]

I sense your desperation Chiggy, and hope you get some response from Adult services. ,Perhaps it would be a good thing for the other boy's parents to press charges, your stepson might then get some help. I don't know what it's like to be a stepmum but it sounds as if you've really been committed to supporting this lad despite the inherent difficulties in the relationship from the beginning. I really hope a way can be found for him to move out into a supported environment, for the sake of all of you, before you each complete breaking point. If you are close to your family who are coming for your birthday, it may help to let them know how you feel . If they know you well, they may sense anyway that something is wrong.

 

K x

[julie1]

Get support you say, sorry but I am screaming out for support and have been for years! "They" are always in meetings or on leave! They don't get on our case when we want the help but they do when he "misbehaves". If they had helped us sooner, gave us some guidance this might never have happened!

I don't like the way I feel toward him but at least I'm not pretending to like him to anyone!

My parenting is fine as my own two sons are perfectly normal, polite intelligent and honest human beings.

Funny how CPT was called last time he did somethng like this before he was 18 but nothings being done now he's over 18. I was told today he has a "friendship" with the child involved. Well evey friendship he has had has ended in inappropiate behaviour. Is that my fault? Is he crying out for affection? Well his dad couldn't do that because his ex accused him of abuse so he wouldn't dare be affectionate in case the finger was pointed.

I though I would get some understanding here.

My own outlook on other peoples lives is ......walk a mile in mile shoes before you jugde me.

I have done way too much to give up on my partner now after ten years, I have done way too much for his son as well.

And do you know what I am gonna get in return? Nothing but an early grave.

Thanks for your judements.

I guess I'm all alone on this one.

im not judging you, i was more worried for your situation. You came on for support and after re reading my post i can see how you might have felt that i was possibly judgeing you. Its just concern that you were so angrey you repeatedly smacked this young man. You have said that he has LD and ASD so he will need support to move out. Has the other boy's parents involved the police yet, because that maybe the only way you can get support from SS. If they havent why not, maybe you could talk to them and go to the police together. And by way of support i ment your family who are comming to vist, maybe they could take him out for the day so you can get some respite. You sound like you really need a break from the whole situation. Or maybe you could have an Easter break and stay with some friends taking your younger son with you.

[Chiqqy]

What would you do if your child went to the same after school club as him?

Is anybody going to answer that?

[justine1]

Hi

I think someone did answer that by saying they would go to the police.If my son came to me and said someone put there hand in his pants I would absolutley go to the police.However the parents of this child dont appear,for whatever reason,to have done this.As you are obviousley concerned and need to get help for you stepson it would,in my opinion,be a good idea to discuss what happened with the boys parents and ask if the boy is prepared to go the police.If they are not,then it would be your responsibilty to do so.Again my opinion.

 

Have you been in touch with SS,the boys parents or police since this happened?Its just it has been a few days(I believe?)I dont think you can just leave it the boys parents as you are aware of what happened so you need to try and take some form of action yourself.I realise you may have had problems with SS not helping in the past but this is a different situation,it is worth putting pressure on the services,even it means phoning various people for hours on end.

[Chiqqy]

SS still don't seem to see how serious this situation is. A SW came with CPT when he did something similar with 2 other boys before he was 18, I don't understand why they haven't been informed now that he's an adult.

There's no way of talking to the parents as they can't tell us who they are or where they live, same as they can't give them any details about my stepson.

I can't phone anyone at adult services tomorrow as I'm back at work and don't finish till the evening, have asked husband to make some calls but he's too soft (ok understandably) whereas (as you have probably already realised) I'm more to the point and I don't take any flannel from them so I'm reluctant to have him speak to them.

I will be able to phone the club where it happened though so I will do that as surprisingly they are still letting him attend!!(can you believe that?)

I'm angry at them all, at my stepson for doing it, my husband for not being that interested in it all and not taking it seriously, SS for not being there for us from the beginning and for not taking this seriously!

It's like I'm the only one who sees the serious and potential dangers in all this.

I don't even think smacking him was harsh! What would YOU all like to do to someone who touches kids like this?? What do any of us think of people who do that? Don't we all want to dole out our own punishments? So I am not going to apologise to anyone for smacking him, I'm not even going to say it was wrong. Because if it had been my son he'd touched he'd still be in hospital!

 

I would like to thank Justine1, I think maybe (correct me if I'm wrong) you have tried to put yourself in my shoes.

Thanks also to those who have given sensible advice and haven't just concentrated on the fact I smacked him. I'm not the baddie here, I have made sacrifices for this child, sometimes at the expence of my own children, and most definitely at the expence of my health and happiness. (poor me eh? lol)

 

 

 

 

 

[Tally]

Only one person has even mentioned the smacking.

 

Maybe you can ask the social club to ask the parents of the other boy to report the incident to the police. If you approached the police yourself, I am sure they would take steps to find out who the victim is. You could also approach social services yourself about it.

[Chiqqy]

Only one person has even mentioned the smacking.

 

Maybe you can ask the social club to ask the parents of the other boy to report the incident to the police. If you approached the police yourself, I am sure they would take steps to find out who the victim is.

 

I didn't just mean anyone who had mentioned it sorry, I meant everyone including him, his Dad and SS, anyone who has a problem with it basically.

And sorry but I don't think you have read anything I have written properly ie

You could also approach social services yourself about it.

I have been trying to get SS on his case for years!! And even this incredibly serious incident doesn't seem to be giving them a kick up the backside!

 

[julie1]

we all make sacrifices for our children with or without ASD, this is what parents do.

i just wonder as the club are still happy for your stepson to attend the social club, and the other childs parents have made no complaint, did the incident really happen as you were told. As i find it hard to belive that a social club which caters for vulnerable adults and children would choose to ignore such a serious incident.

maybe it would be better for his dad to speak to ss as he is softer in approach which might help in getting people to listen, rather than yourself who is very much to the point and leaving yourself open for assult charges. (im not saying that it would be right to have assult charges given to you) but other who have not lived under the pressure that we live with everyday might not see it that way.

And just to clarify the smacking situation again, im not dead set aganist the oponion of others in how they choose to correct their child. it was just the comment made you lost count how many times you hit the young man in anger. I still dont see what your stepson with LD and ASD would have gained or learned from that situation.

[Chiqqy]

OK I was phoned by a member of staff at the club who told me he had been seen with his hands down another boys pants "pleasuring him" those were her exact words.

I wasn't there I didn't see it, he didn't admit it at first but he has since.

That's all I know!

She said she was concerned because of the ages of them both.

So maybe she lied for some unknown reason.

 

As i find it hard to belive that a social club which caters for vulnerable adults and children would choose to ignore such a serious incident

Me too!! This is why I am here! This is why I am so angry! I can't believe no-one but me is seriously concerned about this!!! Do you "get it" now? Am I getting through to anyone? Will i ever get it through to "them"

Do you think I am making this up?!?

Look I'm gonna leave because I get more wound up with you lot, I REALLY am sorry to say that but I did think I'd get more support here, but you just make me more angry and make me feel like I'm in the wrong.

Maybe I should go to a forum for relatives of peados? Eh?

[Chiqqy]

I still dont see what your stepson with LD and ASD would have gained or learned from that situation.

He might have learned that I was angry and it was a seriously bad thing to do!

[Kathryn]

Chiggy you're angry with good reason but please don't take it out on us! I think people have been supportive of you - and honest. I really hope you don't go, but what exactly do you want from us? I feel you want us to agree that you're justified in completely losing it and thumping hell out of your stepson to relieve your own feelings rather than to punish him.

 

What would YOU all like to do to someone who touches kids like this?? What do any of us think of people who do that? Don't we all want to dole out our own punishments?

 

Yes but that doesn't make it right, does it? That's why we have the criminal justice system instead of mob rule.

 

Your stepson is no longer a child, he's 18 and if he was any other adult, you'd get done for assault - what you did cannot be equated with "smacking" a younger child as a punishment. Why he didn't turn round and hit you back, I don't know - you're very lucky. People can surely say it's wrong in principle, while still sympathising with the situation which led you to it?

 

In answer to your question, if it was my son I would press charges and remove my son from the club until I was satisfied the perpetrator was no longer there. Really frustrating situation - you can bet that the youth club staff have been CRB checked within an inch of their lives, and yet no one seems able to do anything about a far more obvious risk. What a world we live in!

 

Don't know what the answer is here except to go to the police yourself on the grounds that you believe your younger son might well be at risk unless the older one is removed immediately. Really hope someone listens to you - and soon. I would not want him under my roof either, to be honest.

 

K x

Edited March 21, 2010 by Kathryn

[Chiqqy]

you're very lucky

Lmao!! Yep I guess I've been blessed.

Dereg me please.

[Kathryn]

Lmao!! Yep I guess I've been blessed.

Dereg me please.

 

Lucky not to have been injured - many 18 year old adult men would hit back. Obviously you don't see it that way.

 

We don't deregister people from the forum. Simply stop posting and don't log on again if you don't want to be here. Sorry the forum hasn't fulfilled your expectations - hope you get the help you need.

 

Kathryn

 

[baddad]

Hi Chiggy - Sorry, can;t take quite as 'wide' view as Kathryn...

Yes, I think you have every right to be worried and concerned about what has happened and that there has, in legal terms, been a criminal 'act' commited... but my major concern with your posts hasn't anything to do with that but to do with the aggression and hostility that this post and your earlier post suggest exists between yourself and your stepson. And while I'm probably judged as 'harsh' or even worse I do not accept that someone telling me how great they are as a parent or how hard they have worked on another persons behalf or even how 'great' their other kids have turned out automatically mitigates aggression and hostility i see in their current behaviours. So, I'm sorry if that's uncomfortable for you, but it doesn't mean i don't 'see' the reasons for your concern or diminish them; just that i think your reaction is unhelpful and, quite frankly, vindictive.

Here are some of the questions I would be asking in your situation:

Were both people involved 'consenting'?

How far from being legally able to offer consent is the 15 year old boy, and did he 'know' what he was consenting to?

And for the record, these questions would be my FIRST concerns whether AS was a factor or not and whether it was homosexual or heterosexual contact taking place...

Would I be as liberal in my thinking if my son was the fifteen year old? Probably not - because it is far harder to take the wider view when your own children are involved, but the reality is that in the society we live in underage sexual experimentation is probably the 'rule' rather than the exception, whatever the sexuality of the couple involved. And while both may be criminal acts there is a huge difference between a man in his mid twenties, thirties or forties (or older) 'grooming' an adolescent and an age difference of two-to-three years where one consenting party is just under the legal age for offering that consent. Maybe the reason the other parents haven't pursued a crimninal charge against your son is because they can 'see' the difference, and because they don't actually have a personal grudge against your stepson which you do seem to carry.

Am I defending your son - no, not at all - what he did was wrong. But the 'crime' he's committed is one that is commited by thousands of adolescents - gay and straight - all of the time. You only have to look at teenage pregnancy statistics to see that (though, of course, by definition they will only be the tip of the iceberg and only represent 'straight' statistics.)

I 'disapprove' of those statistics probably as much as you do, but it seems to me you have an agenda here that goes beyond disapproval, and, as i said in my original reply, I don't think that's helpful to your stepson or the situation.

 

L&P

 

BD

[JsMum]

So I am not going to apologise to anyone for smacking him, I'm not even going to say it was wrong. Because if it had been my son he'd touched he'd still be in hospital!

 

I am quite concerned with this comment, I understand you where understandably angry but this concerns me greatly especially as your son and your stepson do live under the same roof, if you feel that strongly then maybe it may be a good idea to take your son and live with relitives or B+B until you can sort out a more suitable place for your step son who clearly needs specialist support, and there are residential accomadation for males who have behaved in similair way to your step son.

 

What is clear though is where ever he goes he recieves support and specialist help on the news the other day there was a Dr who works with young people who abuse and I researched more about her and found this by NSPCC which may be of interest and Im sure they may know more on how to support your step son and more importantly ensure he is not posing a risk to other children/young people.

 

The Dr is a Psychiatrist called Dr Eileen Vizard.

 

Her project is here.

 

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/resourcesfo...s_wda58482.html

 

The NSPCC will be able to ensure that the social club and social services have followed the correct procedures regaurding your step son been allowed to return, one question I have is does he have full time one to one to ensure he does not act in this way at the social club?

 

Anyway I hope you get some support soon but mostly your step son.

 

JsMumxxx

 

Edited March 21, 2010 by JsMum

[JsMum]

I tried really hard in the begining but he resented me from day one (oh and his real mum left when he was a tiny baby). This could be why he had difficulties bonding with you, he probably has Attatchment problems especially as you say in your posts he has had Friendships but they always fail, usually throw inapropriate toutching.

 

Also you say that your Husband also became detatched as he was accused of abuse by your step sons mum, your son probably has difficulties bonding with people apropriatly because the bond with his Dad suddenly stopped.

 

I knew pretty early on there was something wrong with him, and no he isn't "Rainman" he's not hyperintelligent, he has learning difficulties too. If there is learning difficulties what stage is he working on, he maybe developmentally behind his peers, so he maybe developmentally a lot younger than his biological age.

 

He would strip naked in school! This could of been more sensory issues than been an intentional streaker, my own son would strip in Tesco market, he has Sensory Intregration Disorder.

 

His problems started long before they met me,all I tried to do was help when no-one else did, not even his dad! And now once again I'm made to feel like the wicked stepmother!! Are you angry with his Dad because he didnt support you or do enough for his son?

 

maybe your feelings are more with your husband and you are venting them more towards your step son.

 

What would you do if your child went to the same after school club as him?

Is anybody going to answer that? As my son goes to a residential specialist school if there was any accusations or assults there is strict guidelines and Child Protection procedures in place, as Kathryn said I agree, I would remove my son until I was satified that he and others were not at risk, which is why I think contacting NSPCC maybe a good idea if you want to ensure that your step sons social club have followed the right guidelines.

 

As for you smacking him this will not stop his behaviour but more likely to esculate the situation, he is a Man and should not be smacked even once never mind several times, and agree with Kathryn if I had of smacked my son he would have most certainly smacked me back but more likely become extreamly agressive using much more force causing me serious harm, he is already aggressive with out me smacking him, but physical punishments can lead to more serious outcomes where one day you could be really hurt I understand your where angry, but your reactions and the way you deal with anger is really important because you are role model to your step son and your children too anger is a powerful emotion, but how we deal with it is important.

 

JsMumxxx

 

Edited March 21, 2010 by JsMum

[Sally44]

SS still don't seem to see how serious this situation is. A SW came with CPT when he did something similar with 2 other boys before he was 18, I don't understand why they haven't been informed now that he's an adult.

There's no way of talking to the parents as they can't tell us who they are or where they live, same as they can't give them any details about my stepson.

I can't phone anyone at adult services tomorrow as I'm back at work and don't finish till the evening, have asked husband to make some calls but he's too soft (ok understandably) whereas (as you have probably already realised) I'm more to the point and I don't take any flannel from them so I'm reluctant to have him speak to them.

I will be able to phone the club where it happened though so I will do that as surprisingly they are still letting him attend!!(can you believe that?)

I'm angry at them all, at my stepson for doing it, my husband for not being that interested in it all and not taking it seriously, SS for not being there for us from the beginning and for not taking this seriously!

It's like I'm the only one who sees the serious and potential dangers in all this.

I don't even think smacking him was harsh! What would YOU all like to do to someone who touches kids like this?? What do any of us think of people who do that? Don't we all want to dole out our own punishments? So I am not going to apologise to anyone for smacking him, I'm not even going to say it was wrong. Because if it had been my son he'd touched he'd still be in hospital!

 

I would like to thank Justine1, I think maybe (correct me if I'm wrong) you have tried to put yourself in my shoes.

Thanks also to those who have given sensible advice and haven't just concentrated on the fact I smacked him. I'm not the baddie here, I have made sacrifices for this child, sometimes at the expence of my own children, and most definitely at the expence of my health and happiness. (poor me eh? lol)

 

I would speak with this club and ask them about their child protection procedures. They must have them. I would think they are duty bound to report this incident to someone??

Do you feel that your stepson is a danger to children per se, ie. would he try to touch any child inappropriately if the opportuity were there. I know you've said he did this before when he was younger. And I know that this time the child was 15. They mentioned a 'friendship' with this other child. Are they insinuating that your stepson is gay and this was consensual?? I know 15 is under age. And as you've already asked, I wouldn't want my child going to a club where there was someone likely to have a sexual interest in them. However, from age 13 onwards I remember my classmates at school began having sex with eachother. So it would be wrong to pretend this does not happen from that age onwards.

My son does go to a club and I am a bit uneasy about a teenage girl and boy there that are an item and they have to be told not to kiss eachother often. There is also alot of tickling going on and obvious sexual behaviour between them. Last Saturday the girl had to be told to stop lifting her shirt up to show this boy her chest!! But, this is also just between them. And at their age there is going to be sexual interest. I don't know how their parents are going to handle this.

On a very practical level, have you talked with the GP about this. There is medication that can lower or remove sex drive. Many people at age 18 will already have active sex lives. So the drive is going to be there. But the outlet is inappropriate, and how do you make it more appropriate? In the meantime some medication might control it. There is the possibility that he is gay. Do you think so?

How capable is he of understanding appropriate behaviour. Has it been specifically explained to him that any sexual contact must be with people of the same age as him or older?

Can he explain himself and this behaviour. What does he feel about it.

What type of school did he go to and did they cover sexual behaviour or anything like this in the life skills section??

At 18 he is going to be treated as an adult. I presume he has left school? This must be very frightening and scary thinking he is a danger to other people. And I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

[puffin]

Wow what an unfortunate situation for all concerned - and so much anger.

 

I was wondering what type of sex and social skills education the 18 year old has had - just because a child has an ASD doesn't mean they don't have the same type of curiosity that other teenagers have - just because the ASD kid does not fully understand the social rules of appropriate behaviour does not necessarily make this sexual abuse - I can't work out from the post whether the act was consensual or non-consensual - obviously this would make a difference.

 

However it seems as though this lad needs some proper support and guidence - probably best if you and he can be apart for a while

 

 

[Nikkih]

I've recently been on a course run by a woman called Fiona Spiers who is an expert in delivering Personal Social Helath Education to children with ASD. The behaviour of your stepson is in no way unique. Yes it is unacceptable but he is far from being the only person with ASD to behave in an inappropriate manner. I think you should have a look at her website and maybe even get in touch with her. She has dealt a lot with adults with ASD who have found themselves in the criminal justice system from similar situations to your stepson. She may be able to point you in the right direction to get your stepson the help he needs.

 

www.fionaspeirs.co.uk

 

I'm not trying to detract from the seriousness of the situation, but I think he needs help to see how his behaviour is not appropriate and how to deal with his feelings in the future. I know this isn't a good question to ask, but if he was your son, would you be reacting so badly and trying to get him out of the house or would you feel that keeping him there where you can keep an eye on him and support him would be the better thing to do.

 

You mentioned in one post what about if he didn't have AS, you can't say that, the AS will affect everything he does.

 

I would like to think that I would be open minded enough (although it's easier to say when you have direct experience of ASD) that if it was my son he touched, I would make the effort to find out the full facts and would hopefully have some compassion for an obviously very troubled young man with AS.

 

I'm sorry you feel that you aren't getting the support you wanted from the forum, but you have to remember that most of us here have a child with ASD and personally my thoughts go to your stepson as I can only think how I would feel if it were my son behaving that way, and I would move heaven and earth to try and help him and prevent it happening again.

[lizj]

Chiggy, I hope you are still reading this and you have not left the forum.

I have been through exactly this with my 18 year old son, who has ASD and MLD. The only difference is that he did it at school and college.

I totally understand the anger. I hit him when i found out what he had done; people who have not had this problem can't understand the overwhelming despair and horror you feel when you know that your child's behaviour has led them to be a danger to others and themselves. The sheer stupidity of what they have done and their total lack of awareness of the possible consequences just makes you want to scream. And the need to keep it secret is terrible.

If you want help for him, I would suggest trying the NSPCC, who offer advice and family support in these situations. I also found that GPs, social workers and "child protection officers" were absolutely useless. All they want to do is blame and punish.

It seemed that my son was simply unable to cope with normal teenage sexual feelings, and was on the look out for anyone who might satisfy them - male or female, young or old, if the opportunity presented itself he would take it. We tried every way of getting through to him what was inappropriate and unacceptable. Eventually I went for shock tactics and told him that he would end up on the Sex Offenders Register, get his name in the papers, never get a job. I also told him that if he chose the wrong person he was in danger of being raped. That made him think a bit.

We still do not trust him, we watch him very carefully and restrict his social life, which is making it difficult for him to make friends now. But we are at one year since the last incident, so things are looking a little better.

I hope you get the help you need from someone.

 

[Chiqqy]

I have done all I can, I have tried my hardest for this kid just like I would have done had one of my kids had AS. ME ALONE!! JUST ME! NO-ONE ELSE!

Is that not enough? His Dad probably has AS too and yet I have stuck around for 10 years with no emotional support in fact no support of any kind.

WHY?

I just don't know

I know I'm incredibly sad that it's all been for nothing, I didn't want to walk away from this, I'm also incredibly sad that this child isn't going to get the proper help and guidance purely because no matter who I ask, who I talk to, who I shout at, wherever I have gone to try and get help I just get no-where.

I suppose I can reconcile myself that (whatever you may think) while I was here he had a better life than had he just been left with his Dad. At least he got fed properly, got help with homework, got in the right school, got clothes that fit him, got to go on days out (none of these things he got before I came along).

And he got a dx, no-one had a clue about AS here, they just thought he was allergic to orange juice (LMAO).

 

Anyway, you can lock this topic now, I'm done.

 

[Chiqqy]

Thanks Lizj xxxx

[julie1]

Chiggy

im sorry if it came across that i was judging you, you came on here looking for help and support. I hope you managed to get some help from someone, and i hope you dont deciced to leave. We all have a boilling points ,and blow at some point. I am sorry if i caused you anymore stress than what you were already going through.