"family placement" :S

[Lisas Mum]

my mums been talking to me bout erm i thing where a family kinda likes fosters u for respite, and she wants me to do it like a family have me sometimes cos i get on my mums nervs so she likes to get rid of me

 

does anyone else ever done that

 

im an adult i turned in to an adult a few years ago well not really but i offically became one i mean i was 18 a couple years ago

 

my throat is sore and ive been awake for 26 hours !

 

ps im called lisas mum but i am lisa she let me have her account cos she didnt want to use it in the end

Edited December 22, 2010 by Lisas Mum

[smiley1590]

you mean your mum finds hard to cope and manage with your behaviour so needs respite care for you ? contact a family ( family link) XKLX

[justine1]

I dont know much about the fostering side of things, and to be honest dont think that would happen given your age. As you say you are an adult so why dont you look at getting your own place,with support?

 

I believe you will need to speak to a social worker, or at least your mum can do this as she is the one needing the respite. There are "homes" where you have your own self contained flat, but within a building with onsite help. The helpers can assist with budgeting,shopping and preparing meals. I really think your mum needs to explore these options.

[smiley1590]

NAS supported living /residential housing you'd need get in touch social services or NAS and have you needs assessed to see what level your needs what mean support wise how much you need and for how many hours ....

 

or you could get in support worker from NAS take you out and about practice more skills and gain more confidence in community do more activities socialise more this give your mum time and 'breathing space' she needs from you!

 

XKLX

[trekster]

The others here are right families dont foster adult autistics. There are some social groups run by the NAS.

You can go out and meet others on the spectrum giving your mum some respite and yourself some time to be with

your own kind.

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/our-services/residential-community-and-social-support/social-support/social-groups.aspx

[Lisas Mum]

no i dont mean LITERALLY foster , but they kinda adopt u and u go to there house every so often

 

 

http://www.tameside.gov.uk/adultplacement

 

^ this

^^ read that link it says it simular to "fostering"

 

PS they can foster u that link says "Long term care, A person can live with an Adult Placement Carer, becoming part of their family sharing their lives and their home"

 

anyways my mum doesnt want to get rid me for good she just wants a break from me but i think shes being dramatic anyways

Edited December 22, 2010 by Lisas Mum

[baddad]

Hi Lisa -

 

My son used to go to respite carers when he was younger. He'd go for a couple of days about once every six - eight weeks. He first went when he was very young - about 3 - and it was then mainly to give us both a break (not because 'I liked to get rid of him', but because he was constantly on the go, day and night, and that wore us both to a frazzle). The respite placement fell through after about 9 months, but by that time he was attending preschool, and that gave us both a break from each other!

 

When he was older we were offered respite opportunities again. We didn't really need them by that time, but took the option as it gave my son some new social networks. Like many autistic kids, social opportunities were few and far between for him so having an 'extended family' to spend time and do things with was a real bonus.

 

For my son both periods of respite were really enjoyable, and gave him many opportunities that would have been difficult for me to offer from home without loads of travelling and messing around.

 

I can't think of any negatives to his respite at all - apart from the fact that (especially in the later case) I missed him loads!

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

BD

[Lisas Mum]

Hi Lisa -

 

My son used to go to respite carers when he was younger. He'd go for a couple of days about once every six - eight weeks. He first went when he was very young - about 3 - and it was then mainly to give us both a break (not because 'I liked to get rid of him', but because he was constantly on the go, day and night, and that wore us both to a frazzle). The respite placement fell through after about 9 months, but by that time he was attending preschool, and that gave us both a break from each other!

 

When he was older we were offered respite opportunities again. We didn't really need them by that time, but took the option as it gave my son some new social networks. Like many autistic kids, social opportunities were few and far between for him so having an 'extended family' to spend time and do things with was a real bonus.

 

For my son both periods of respite were really enjoyable, and gave him many opportunities that would have been difficult for me to offer from home without loads of travelling and messing around.

 

I can't think of any negatives to his respite at all - apart from the fact that (especially in the later case) I missed him loads!

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

BD

 

 

cool, ive been to respites before, and have been fostered a couple of times in the past, i stopped respite bout 2yrs ago and my mum wants to start it all up again , i dont like it really the carers half the time make me get angry

[MelowMeldrew]

I am opposed to it personally, it makes the child feel unwanted and the parent feel inadequate. Made worse if the child/adult enjoys being somewhere else ! However in order to gain some sort of independence and allow Mum/Dad a breather, we get tired too ! respite has some valid point, but adoption ? no way, not an suggestion any parent would entertain I don't think. I've fought against any suggestion of my child living anywhere else, it would only be if I was completely unable to manage, even then I'd oppose and insist on more home support.

[bid]

I am opposed to it personally, it makes the child feel unwanted and the parent feel inadequate.

 

It didn't make my son feel 'unwanted' or us feel 'inadequate'! And we were glad that he enjoyed going to respite, and had the chance to do different things and mix with different people.

 

Bid

[justine1]

Sorry,but I think as you are an adult you should be trying to start living more independently,maybe that sounds harsh but if you don't start now when will you? Trekster and smiley mentioned support groups like NAS, this will be a good starting point. What about a job or voluntary work just to get you out of the house for a few hours a day or even every other day?

 

These options mean you won't have to get used to a carer,if it makes you uncomfortable.But you may still need someone,other than your mum, to talk to and help you with life skills, again it does'nt have to be every day.

 

To be honest even when my NT son is 18 I would'nt expect him to be indoors 24/7 we will both get on each others nerves,it does'nt work. I think maybe your mum wants you to start being independent and thats why she would like you to get some support.

[lisac]

It was (son 23) still is ? Put to us parents by social workers as 'respite care within a family'. I never took up this offer as i didnt trust social services ( i felt at the time, it was a forced admission of ' i cant cope ') and the whole concept felt far too much like fostering.

[baddad]

It was (son 23) still is ? Put to us parents by social workers as 'respite care within a family'. I never took up this offer as i didnt trust social services ( i felt at the time, it was a forced admission of ' i cant cope ') and the whole concept felt far too much like fostering.

 

Hi Lisa C -

If you were offered respite services you were either very lucky, or the family situation was such that social services felt it prudent to extend the offer. Rather than SS stepping in and trying to 'force an admission' that a parent can't cope, the usual situation is more often that parents seek - and have a hell of a fight getting - support to stop things deteriorating to a point where not being able to cope becomes a possibility. It is a sensible and logical response to a stressful situation, and anything but an admission of 'failure'. I find your fears about the intentions of SS very worrying - they are exactly the kinds of fears that put children at risk. I'm pointing that out, BTW for the benefit of anyone reading this thread who feels the need to seek repite support but is put off by the kind of prejudices you detail, not as a comment on your own situation in the past.

 

MM - I second what has already been said by bid. My son has never felt 'unwanted', and respite made our relationship stronger if anything. What would have/could have made him feel unwanted was the scenario we had before respite, where I was too tired and worn out after months of sleepless nights to invest in the 'Golden time' that reassured him just how wanted he was (and is), and fight all the battles that kept other people's prejudices from undermining his self-esteem. At the time I did sometimes feel 'guilty' about my need for support - but that was my problem, not his - and to have made my problem his problem by denying the reality to myself would have been a very selfish act indeed.

 

Lisa (lisas mum lisa) - My guess is your mum probably 'makes you angry' half the time too, and vice versa! Respite can help with that. As far as your relationship with your carers goes, that's a two-way street. Like all relationships (including your relationship with your mum) it should involve give and take, and that may mean sometimes accepting stuff that you don't particular;ly 'like' without getting angry about it.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited December 22, 2010 by baddad

[lisac]

badad , i should have said, this was almost 20 years ago and autism wasnt as widely known about.Son had started at nursery, psycology and social services had been alerted due to his bizarre behaviour.With hindsight i suspect that SS wouldnt believe that a young single mum could and would cope! I had some horrendous run ins with SS and it was only the back up from the psycologist that got them to lay off at that time. Only my experience and nothing to do with the original post, sorry all , x

[Lisas Mum]

my mum said that when i live in her house i got to apply by her rules , so she said if she wants to send me off for respite i got to go

 

i dont want to live on my own tho, i get very scared, a couple times my mum left me home alone and i ended up cutting and wetting myself where i got so stressed out from being left own my own, i no thats a total babyish thing to do but i cudnt help myself just head went to silly

 

has anyone heard of holidays where u get sent away to a holiday unit, and u go on ur own, shes on about that too abit like http://www.vitalise.org.uk/ but i think shes on about another company tho, she wants me to do this too :\

[baddad]

badad , i should have said, this was almost 20 years ago and autism wasnt as widely known about.Son had started at nursery, psycology and social services had been alerted due to his bizarre behaviour.With hindsight i suspect that SS wouldnt believe that a young single mum could and would cope! I had some horrendous run ins with SS and it was only the back up from the psycologist that got them to lay off at that time. Only my experience and nothing to do with the original post, sorry all , x

 

Hi again Lisa -

 

thanks for clarifying that - makes much more sense now...

 

From my POV I can just say that it's no easy thing for a single dad to approach SS in this kind of situation. I think probably there are more dads in my position now, and I hope that has helped redress the balance, but a decade ago any single father was looked at with suspicion. It applies to both sexes - any single parent looking after a disabled child is going to have their work cut out for them, and if they don't have any support networks of their own then there's every chance they might need to start asking for respite. I would hate to think of anyone in that position (or the children involved) feeling too intimidated to ask for help through fear of judgements by SS or anyone else.

 

L&P

 

BD

[lisac]

Agree - parents should be able to ask for support/help from SS without the fear of feeling like they are being judged . I really hope the system has improved. Unfortunately for us , when i tried to liase with them again regarding a new respite scheme ( for him, not me) when son was 10, the social worker said i would get nothing unless i said i couldnt cope! so i said well you base your work on lies then because i will cope, and that was that . Two negative 'support seeking experiences' years apart did nothing to ease the uneasy feelings i had about SS. I still think childrens social services are there looking for problems . Adult social services i found are entirely different and very respectful. I can not fault them. It helps if you do your homework beforehand/find out what is available/what your otions are /understand the system/ how SS work and approach SS as if you are potentially buying a service and are in control, rather than them telling you what you and your child /family need.

[JsMum]

Hi Lisa, I have fighted for the last two years to recieve respite for my son, it required a solisitor in the end and we have finally recieved funding for a few days a week in the holidays, I would say that for you getting the right placement is essential, my son has had two failed respite placements due to them not meeting Js needs, he is away at his third respite provision and it is going really well, because it is tailored to meeting Js needs, J isnt having to fit in to a placement, J also was attending a residential school but if I didnt recieve respite in the holidays it was impossible to meet Js needs, the placement J is at now is a specialist respite provision, and they have read reports and assessments and understand his needs, and cater for them for example he has had a visual timetable of his activities and tasks for the days he has attened, they have took him shopping for foods he likes and they have took him ice skating, bowling and cinena where he requires supervision and assistance, so he recieves support all the time.

 

J has missed me and I have missed him, but we have really benefitted from the respite as I have Eaten, slept, catched up on house work, Js bedroom is finally clean and tidy as Ive managaged to get that done while he was at respite, it definately makes the relationship stronger and Ive had some time to think, funnily about J, so though your mum might look at respite for you, she will definately be still thinking about you.

 

Without Respite we wouldnt be together.

 

J enjoys his too, but he has also been in inapropriate placements so the key is finding one that you feel comfortable and safe in and meets your needs.

 

JsMumx

[JsMum]

Hi Lisa -

 

My son used to go to respite carers when he was younger. He'd go for a couple of days about once every six - eight weeks. He first went when he was very young - about 3 - and it was then mainly to give us both a break (not because 'I liked to get rid of him', but because he was constantly on the go, day and night, and that wore us both to a frazzle). The respite placement fell through after about 9 months, but by that time he was attending preschool, and that gave us both a break from each other!

 

When he was older we were offered respite opportunities again. We didn't really need them by that time, but took the option as it gave my son some new social networks. Like many autistic kids, social opportunities were few and far between for him so having an 'extended family' to spend time and do things with was a real bonus.

 

For my son both periods of respite were really enjoyable, and gave him many opportunities that would have been difficult for me to offer from home without loads of travelling and messing around.

 

I can't think of any negatives to his respite at all - apart from the fact that (especially in the later case) I missed him loads!

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

BD

BD why did the respite fall throw? just wondered if it isnt too personal.

 

Also does your son recieve respite now?

 

 

JsMumx

[baddad]

BD why did the respite fall throw? just wondered if it isnt too personal.

 

Also does your son recieve respite now?

 

 

JsMumx

 

The couple involved were also caring for a disabled girl. For various reasons her support needs increased while my sons need for respite services, by the time he got to preschool, was decreasing. It didn't so much 'fall through' as a planned withdrawl based on the more urgent needs of the girl...

No, he doesn't have respite now, or any need for it. TBH these days even I'm pretty much surplus to requirements! He went sledging with a gang of mates the other day and was gone for hours.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Lisas Mum]

The couple involved were also caring for a disabled girl. For various reasons her support needs increased while my sons need for respite services, by the time he got to preschool, was decreasing. It didn't so much 'fall through' as a planned withdrawl based on the more urgent needs of the girl...

No, he doesn't have respite now, or any need for it. TBH these days even I'm pretty much surplus to requirements! He went sledging with a gang of mates the other day and was gone for hours.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

how old is your son?

[JsMum]

It was (son 23) still is ? Put to us parents by social workers as 'respite care within a family'. I never took up this offer as i didnt trust social services ( i felt at the time, it was a forced admission of ' i cant cope ') and the whole concept felt far too much like fostering.

Lisa I understand where your coming from in the past when J was infancy we had to recieve emergency fostering,(I really couldnt cope) until we were given respite foster care, that didnt meet Js needs and we where given no other option until I got intouch with NAS and contact a family and they helped me access the right respite provision, now he recieves respite in a specialist respite provision, foster carers can not meet Js needs anymore and he sadly has had negative experiences, so you dont have to stick with a family placement, you can choose the respite, problem is SS dont always tell you this and many specialist respite providers though they cater for Higher functioning Autism, not many access them because SS tell many families they dont meet criteria for respite, so the only children accessing the respite places are severe end of Autism and physical disabilities.

 

It is really difficult to get respite in the first place, but the challenge is finding one that meets your own childs individual needs.

 

I had to go throw core assessments with social services to access the respite and that wasnt pleasant either as they did try and point the finger at me as a parent, and we have finally recieved a care plan, something J has never had, but its like a statement of sen with holes in it, basically not specified, quatified or names what services are providng the support for us.

 

 

so I understand your opinion about SS and family placements, for some it wont meet need, but you should still be offered other forms of respite, problem is finding one that meets your particular need.

 

JsMumx

[baddad]

how old is your son?

 

He's thirteen, and like most thirteen year old's confuses 'independence' with being waited on hand and foot in combination with periods of 'I want to be alone' and 'your not the boss of me'-ness. Actually, he's pretty good all round; I was MUCH worse when I was thirteen!

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh - it's just occurred that you may have been asking his age in relation to respite care... the fact that he / we don't have a need for respite services any more isn't really anything to do with his age. I know many young adults and parents of young adults who need access to respite services.

 

Edited December 23, 2010 by baddad