A very dark place....

[Surreal Killer]

I'm 28, M, living on my own in South London.

It feels like my life is in a very, very, dark place at the moment.

 

I have no friends (and I mean literally none)

I have no job.

I've been surviving (barely) on benefits.

And have very little contact with my family (They live in Hertfordshire)

I was once lucky enough to fall into a longterm relationship with a lovely and understanding girl, and kept that up for eight years, but that all came to a catastrophic end a year ago. It feels as if now, I have no hope of ever getting with a girl again

 

I'm also not getting any treatment for my condition because the NHS refuses to fund diognosis of AS in adults, and I can't afford private treatment. I've had in the past some therapy for "Social Anxiety" but that was useless. It feels like no one within the system really understands or takes seriously the severity of what I was experiencing.

 

My life literally consists of playing computer games, occasional household chores, sleeping and nothing much else. and has done for the last year.

 

I am very talented and intelligent- and very capable of doing many different kinds of things to a high standard, but despite all that, I feel like a huge failure, because I lack social ability- and it feels like that is really the only thing that is important in building successful a career/life.

 

There's so much pressure on me to do things which feel impossible- even when living on benefits. for example, I need to provide medical certificates to upkeep benefit payments... that means asking my GP for them- which sounds easy in theory, but its really, really not!! (In fact, I've never done it myself- have always had a friend ask for me, but due to circumstances, that friend is no longer in my life, so I don't know what I'm going to do when the next one is due in a week or so)- Just thinking about that makes me feel as if I'm drowning.

 

Right now, it feels like SUICIDE is the only option for me. It's not what I want, and I'm not even sure that I'd have what it takes to actually go through with it-

I wish there was something I could do that would pick me out of this hole and give me a foot on the ladder...

 

Any suggestions? I'm really desperate.

 

ps. I only really want practical advice. Sympathy is just patronizing and doesn't solve anything- neither will telling me that suicide is a bad idea for whatever reason. Telling me to cheer up, or reassuring me that "something will come along" is also a bit useless.

[Tally]

Hi M, and welcome to the forum.

 

With asking the GP for the medical certificate next week - can you break this down into small, manageable tasks so it doesn't seem so overwhelming? Can you remember what it was your friend actually did to get your certificates?

 

I really think you need to go to your GP and explain frankly how very bad things are for you. It can be very difficult to talk, but you have explained your situation very clearly in your post so writing something down for your GP could be a good way for you to communicate things - you could even print off your post and take that in.

 

In the longer term, you might benefit from getting out and meeting some people somehow. A social group for people with mental health difficulties might be a forgiving environment to start out meeting people. You could also try voluntary work or a club associated with one of your interests.

[KezT]

I will try my best to offer practical, constructive advice....

 

You say you have no friends: First, I would ask what you mean by "friend"? The idealised friends you see on the TV who are always there for you, always interested in you and understand your deepest emotions and desires doesn't really exist imo. Most of us have "friends" who we see in specific places, chat about specific things and occasionaly go out socially together. You need to be realistic about what you can expect a "friend" to be and do!

 

Having said that, do you go anywhere to meet/make friends? Have you tried getting in touch with your local NAS branch to see if they have adult group meetings? Or do you have an interest which you could discuss with like-minded people? Can your Dr refer you to any groups around your previously dx'd social anxiety? Do you have any contact with social services?

 

If you find it difficult to talk to strangers, it is worth thinking about what kind of things you can say before you go to meet them: Think about how you will start a conversation (a greeting and introductions of both/all parties), what the main substance of the conversation needs to include (specific information, discussion, request etc) and how to end the conversation politely (farewells and arrangeing to meet again).

 

 

Regardng having no job - lots of people are in tht position, especially at the moment. You sau you are intelligent and talented - think about all the things you CAN ofer an employer and emphasise those: Do you do any voluntary work? It always looks great on a CV, demonstrates your abilities and helps you get into practise fr the world of work. Plenty of places take on volunteers in various roles - most areas have a volunteering co-ordination system of some kind. Have a look on your council website, or go to your local CAB for advie on where and how to start. Volunteering will also help with finding friends:)

 

I'm afraid I do not have any useful advice about surviving on benefits:( Other than make sure you are claiming everything you can. AGain, get advice from the CAB/DIAL or similar organisation.

 

Why do you have little contact with your family? I understand that you may not beable to physically se each other much, but there are telephones, internet, skype, emails, letters, social networks..... Keep them in the loop with your life and you will feel much more connected to them, and they with you.

 

As for relationships,again that is a tricky one for everyone! 8 years is a good long term elaionship, and one year is not a long time ago really. Give it time, look for friends and see what happens... You are abviously capable of having a proper intimate relationship, so it will probably happen again at somepoint. You could try dating agencies etc orjust see who you met in normallife - the secret is to meet as many people as possible and not to be too desperate for a relationship - just see how things pan out.

 

You are obviously angry about your situaton, which is understandable, but ultimately not very helpful. It is very difficult to get a dx on the NHS as an adult, and often pointless anyway. a Dx would not access any additional/different support or treatment for you. Unfortunatelty, there is no "treatment" available for AS - only management techniques, and as you have made it to adulthood and survived in society, you have obviously found some management techniques that work for you. You can get advice on futher techniques for specific situations here, or from the NAS etc. Remember all of the difficulties you have overcome already, and stay positive that you will overcome these too.

 

If you are seriously considering suicide, I urge you to speak to smeone urgently about it. Discuss your thoughts with your GP if you can - they may be able to refer you to group therapy, give oumedication,or even take your request for a dx more seriously! If you feel you are in immediate danger of doing something to hurt yourself, please call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 or your local social services.

[oxgirl]

Would it be possible for you to go and stay with your family in Herts, even in the short term or maybe move nearer to them? It sounds as if you need the support of people around you at the moment.

 

You were in a long-term relationship previously and, to have stayed together that long, you obviously have the social skills to maintain a relationship and to be happy with one. There's no reason to believe that you won't have that again, maybe not right at the moment, but certainly in the future. You are obviously depressed at the moment, maybe still mourning for your lost relationship? Are you on any medication and do you think this could benefit you at the moment?

 

I'd seriously consider asking your family for their support and practical/physical help rather than trying to struggle along on your own.

 

Take care.

 

~ Mel ~

[dm2010]

"I feel like a huge failure, because I lack social ability- and it feels like that is really the only thing that is important in building successful a career/life."

 

Social ability isn't all important. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie and of course Temple Grandin are all proof of that. And believe me, having relationships go wrong isn't an Aspie exclusive thing.

 

Got a driving licence ? Then how about an agency job driving a van delivering parcels.

I did that for 18 months in the 90's recession, in fact I was on the verge of taking HGV lessons when I got back into regular work, as I had already progressed from vans to 7.5 tonne trucks by then. This experience came in very handy much later on when I drove minibuses with very large trailers, I was the only one able to reverse a tractor and trailer unit accurately.

 

I've always puzzled over the contradiction between my lack of motor skills and my success in driving large vehicles. I drove tens of thousands of miles without so much as bruising a tyre. I guess it's a slow burn - takes me longer to learn a skill but I retain it better and in more detail than most.

[Sally44]

I was also wondering if you needed to stay where you are living.

I think it depends on whether you can summon up the courage to go and do things bit by bit and make a plan for that. See if you can follow the suggestions about visiting the GP for the note you need and possibly a referal to someone who has experience of adults with AS who have anxiety or social anxiety.

 

If that is not an option/does not work, then you may need to consider if moving back to be near family might be a better move. How are your family. Do you get on and do you have contact with them.

 

Many people, including myself, have had to move back in with parents when a marriage has broken down. I found myself in the position where I wanted to end the marriage and my husband wanted to stay in the house and did not have the finances at that time to buy me out. Horrendous situation as I became homeless with not enough financial backup to obtain another mortage. But it eventually resolved itself. I moved in with my parents and then my brother for a time before I was again on a financial and emotional footing to move out independently again. That wasn't ideal and wasn't easy - so maybe renting or moving close to them? Anyway consider all the options.

 

Being on benefits is really subsistance living, and often not even that. And you need a small step plan to try to get out of that cycle. If you really do have social anxiety to a point that it is affecting your work and social life (which it sounds like it could be), or even depression, then you maybe entitled to Disability Living Allowance at the current time, which isn't usually included in means testing and could help a little bit with financial difficulties. Your local authority or citizens advice maybe able to help you complete this form. Or if your GP does refer you for anxiety/depression, then the nurses are able to complete these forms for you.

[Sally44]

And if you are having suicidal thoughts and thinking it through and even contemplating it, then you need to tell the GP that.

[Surreal Killer]

Thanks for replies everyone.

 

 

When I said "literally no friends"

I meant that literally. I do not have an unrealistic perspective on what the word 'Friend' means.

I do not see or communicate with anyone socially. I don't even leave my flat unless I need to go shopping- even then I keep my head down, use self checkout and escape as quickly as I can.

 

I can't communicate with my family (or samaritans) through means such as telephone, because that causes me a great deal of anxiety(to the point that I feel physically crippled(I mean that literally too- sometimes I can't physically move when confronted with a situation where I have to use a phone, i feel weighed down, unable to breath, heart pounding, limbs go numb etc)

I have been able to send Emails and instant messages from time to time to my mother, but only if there is something spicific that needs to be talked about. There is no 'conversation'.

Also, I have no interest in bothering family with my inabilities and failures. They are aware that I might have some kind of social issues, but they don't know how bad it is, and I would keep it that way. I would literally rather kill myself and end my suffering that way, than have all of the awkwardness from involving family in my problems.

 

I can't talk to my GP in detail about my problems as it causes me similar anxiety. I only feel comfortable with simple interactions.

I've tried mentioning the suicidal thoughts before, but I don't think anyone takes me seriously. I do not have the social ability to stress how severe my problems are in person.

I could write a letter, but I'm afraid of coming across as silly or stupid for doing so...

 

Similarly, social groups- just thinking of them cause anxiety. I would be alright going to things if I had a friend with me (that is how I'd managed through life up until now) but I don't have any friends any more (literally).

 

In a moment of bravery once, I did actually go out to a social meet on my own, but I crashed and burned badly, not knowing the right things to do/say in a social situation, how to approach people, start a conversation, what to talk about etc. I just got the impression that I was coming across like a complete weirdo. The experience was torture, and I do not wish to repeat that.

 

I've also tried some voluntary work, when I had a friend to help me get into it... similar excruciating experience when it came to actually meeting other people involved.

 

I do recieve DLA, but its recently been knocked down to the lowest level, and I don't know why, as nothing has changed or become easier for me. I can't question this change, as that would mean communicating with people, and not only does that cause me anxiety, i also wouldn't know what to say, literally- when in a live social situation, it becomes very difficult to select words and put them into an order to make a meaningful sentence that says what I want it to.

 

I also have a load of bills piling up because I lack the ability to set up all the payments etc. Until a while ago, they were set up in my ex's name, but after catastrophic relationship breakdown, she's cancelled everything and left me to my own devices to pick up the pieces- which I can't do.

 

*big sigh*

Any other ideas?

[oxgirl]

You say you have had friends in the past and also a long-term relationship. Where did you meet your previous friends and what happened to end the friendships, is there a chance of getting back in contact with them? What has changed recently to bring about this isolation you now find yourself in when you previously had relationships that seemed to be working? If it is depression that has led to this, then it sounds as if you really do need to get some medication, especially as you are unwilling to ask others for help and support. What other plans do you have for getting out of this rut that you find yourself in? How long have you felt like this?

 

~ Mel ~

[dm2010]

Small steps I think is the answer for now. Rather than try and do lots, think of a small task that's not in your usual list and do that. Then another . . . . it does work.

[Mumble]

You can email the Samaritans:

 

jo@samaritans.org

 

Even the actual writing of the email may be helpful.

[Kathryn]

Hi S K

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

You've been given some good advice so far. Please also read this post and have a look at the mental health resources link in it as there is a list of other useful organisations which can help in a crisis. If you have suicidal feelings which are overwhelming I'd urge you to contact the Samaritans as they are trained to help with that, as we are not on this forum.

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/Index.php?/forum-4/announcement-7-depression-mental-health-and-crisis-support/.

 

Thing is, from what you say, you've fallen into the habit (perhaps with the aid of friends who handled the difficult stuff for you) of not stepping outside your comfort zone to do anything which is going to put you under pressure. On the rare occasion that you do, you're probably so wound up by the prospect that failure becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and you get into a cycle of avoidance that's hard to break, but break it you must if you want to get out of this situation - and I assume you do or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

It's only as you try new things, and keep repeating them that you increase your chances of success and even small success breeds confidence. At the moment you appear to have the mindset that everything you do is bound to fail so you would rather avoid doing anything. You can't eliminate negative interactions from life altogether but you can reduce the impact those interactions have on you by giving yourself more life experiences and therefore more chances to succeed. If however,even the prospect of going out or pushing yourself to do something different - however small - sends you into a panic then maybe you need medication or therapy in the short term to reduce anxiety and help you to take those first steps.

 

Life is obviously stressful but I don't believe you can't do anything at all about this. You overcome your fears enough to get yourself down to the supermarket when you're hungry. You've posted two very articulate and eloquent posts above and I don't think any of us think you're silly and stupid for writing them - why would the doctor? Dealing with ill people is what they do - no one goes to the GP when they're feeling absolutely wonderful. Why not use your posts as the basis for a letter and make an appointment? Just say "this is how I feel right now and I need some help" and hand your letter over. You may feel a bit silly but will you feel any worse than you do at the moment?

 

People are very supportive on this forum and there are loads of people here who have overcome great difficulties with social interaction to achieve great things,and continue to do so every day, so they can offer good practical advice from their own experience - listen to them. The will to change things and the courage to take the first small step of (for example) emailing someone for help, has got to come from you, though, there's no way round that one.

 

In lieu of a sympathetic huggy smilie, how about this one

 

K x

[smiley1590]

i have social anxiety disorder and depression ... i also have suicidal thoughts /impulses/urges at times which can be struggle to fight against when dpression makes feel like best way out escape route option choice you have left to take as feels like run out of every other thing left and nothing left for you to live for like what's point?! what life offer me! are you on meds for depression? or have any support for your SAD or depression? maybe you should ring MIND and speak to them about what finding hard and difficult to face! both MH probs feel never have one or other balanced!

 

XKL

[JsMum]

Due to a lot of your issues right now kind of laying in the social issues and the seperation with your ex girlfriend I absaloutly recommend a course by Relate called Moving on, it is a fantastic course, Relate also do individual counsilling and they are experiened in ASD and other special needs and you can meet one to one for a period until you build up trust to access a group.

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/workshops-for-separating/index.html

 

Another organisation that is also excellent for people who struggle with social interaction and have enduring mental health needs is MIND.

 

http://www.mind.org.uk/

 

In my area there is activities such as ART and Craft, Walking and other things, your with other people who are experiencing similair things so you wont feel so different.

 

There is outreach workers who can visit you in certain areas of the UK also.

 

So I really recommend you email your local mind services.

 

There is one more thing that I absaloutly recommend and that is Hypnotherapy CDs , I have a range of them, they include Positive affrimations and they help settle your nervous system down so that in turn helps you feel better and sleep, eat better too.

 

http://www.glennharrold.com/

 

I would not be here without my Hypno CDs.

 

I would look at setting up a very detailed visual daily routine planner, have things set up to help occupy your time, join a gym, there are quiet zones in ours so its not too social.

 

I would look at getting out everyday for 30 mins that be a walk or a bike ride that is purely for this purpose, so dont include it such a walk to the shop, make this your special time.

 

Have a evening routine where you dont play your computer games and cut down on caffine, Such as cola drinks, coffee, chocolate.

 

Have a bath, pjs, supper evening routine, with relaxing music and light reading.

 

It sounds like your suicide thoughts are a sign everything is just too overwhelming at the moment, it will get better it may not seem that way right now but it will.

 

I found this on the internet once and I read it and it really helped.

 

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

At the moment your going throw a bad time, feel it and go with it, it will pass.

 

All the very best hope my ideas have helped.

 

JsMumxxx

Edited April 17, 2011 by JsMum

[Sally44]

My own brother had a mental illness and was sick off work for around a year. He needed alot of support from family and the NHS. He too found himself without any friends. Sometimes mental illness, or social anxiety can cause the person to slowly become more and more isolated until they are in a place on their own with no-one who can help them and no ability to reach out for help.

Although you are afraid of going to see the GP and being unable to cope, breaking down etc. That might actually be what is needed for the GP to see that you need help. At the moment no-one knows who you are, where you are, or what your difficulties are. You are pretty invisible, and as hard as it will be you need to break through that barrier.

Maybe if you typed/wrote the letter and took it with you to your GP.

MIND is also a good idea.

I have often thought that at the time people most need some 1:1 support to get them into a better place emotionally, socially, etc is often the time when they are most isolated and most unlikely to be able to seek that help.

 

Does anyone know of an organisation that could provide some 1:1 support to help with some independence? Maybe MIND might have some advice.

 

Although you say you don't want your family to know, that is kind of what family are for. They are supposed to be there to help if they can, and you should also be there for your other family members if they needed you. Blood is thicker than water (as the saying goes), and I know that some people do not have a good or close relationship with their family.

 

My own brother has returned to work and been full time for over 2 years now. He still has not managed to break through on the social side though. He says he is too able to go to anything organised for 'disabled' people, and yet is disabled socially and cannot join in any clubs or social events as he feels socially crippled. And my brother is not diagnosed and probably isn't on the spectrum (although he has some traits).

 

What about adult groups for those with Aspergers? Most areas should have one such group, and someone maybe able to come and see you at home before you even attempted to go to one of their group meetings.

 

As Kathryn says, success breeds success. But I really do understand how hard it is to even contemplate doing anything when you are currently feeling as bad as you do.

 

I'm also worried that you are not paying bills. At the moment you have a roof over your head. You don't want to add "homeless" onto the list of difficulties you are currently dealing with. Again bring this up with MIND, and see if they have any suggestions.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Sally44

[Enid]

Hi,

 

how about a pet? a dog would be ideal as it would get you out to walk each day and meet/talk/chat to people, I know it costs money to feed, so perhaps go to a rescue centre and walk the dogs? they would be thrilled to have a regular walker. Or how about a cat? or if you live in a flat where you cant have animals how about fish? if you are not an animal person then how about you just go for a long brisk walk each day, just getting out will make you feel soooooo much better. hope this helps. by the way very scary user name!

[forrestgump]

What are you good at? What do you enjoy?

[nosila]

hey just though i would post a message to you,i think the first thing u need to do is say to yourself"ok top priority is my mental health",friends and relationships can come later when your feeling stronger,you need to see your g.p and if you find it hard to talk write everything down,write it down as a letter if it is easier,if your gp doesnt deal with it as they should make an appointment to see another doctor(i agree with you that some proffesionals dont always understand)i totally understand about the telephone as i have 3 children aged 20,15 and 13,2 diagnosed with aspergers and they all hate the telephone,i can see the panic in there faces if a call comes for them,i tell every one that deals with my children that i have to speak for them.please dont put off going to your gp as once you get help in this part of your life you will feel more positive in other aspects,good luck and take care