Help...Aspie Teenager !!!

[wafta]

My son has HFA/Aspergers and is 16 years old.

 

Me and his younger brother (NT aged 11) barely see him, he spends all day sleeping since leaving school in May (going to college in September) and all night up on his laptop on youtube/games/films.

 

There's zero interraction with him as a family member and would be interested to know if this is normal or if there's something I can do to bring us together as a family a little. Whenever I suggest doing something, beach, cinema, shopping, he chooses to stay home.

 

Just an hour ago, I called a little family meeting to try to resolve any issues after an exchange of "glares" between him and his brother on the stairs....when I asked him to talk about any issues he had, he said "aside from the fact that you're a good parent, I don't like you as a person" and basically told me everything I do irritates him!!

 

Is this normal teenage/aspergers behaviour or am I right to feel like my heart's just been ripped out?!

[baddad]

I think teenagers being irritated by their parents is pretty normal... I think teenagers talking to their parents like that, glaring at siblings etc is normal if they think they can get away with it, but personally I wouldn't let my teenager get away with it.

 

If left to their own devices/enabled to do so many sixteen year old boys would opt for the lifestyle you describe. Again, I wouldn't give my teenager that option.

 

You can't (and shouldn't) force your son to socialise, but you should have ground rules and expectations. If you feed him in his room, don't. If he's up all night and sleeping all day, pull plugs at night to turn consoles computers and TV's off and open curtains during the day...

 

I wouldn't bother with family meetings, because they can only work if people behave reasonably, and he is not being reasonable. No point trying to treat him like an adult if he's behaving like a child, so treat him like a child and show him that you are being the adult.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[soraya]

I know just how you feel, my son is 17 and does the same thing, his argument is that the internet is his only form of friendships , he goes on an American teen chat room which is why he is up half the night!! It is very hard as he has no friends and the only time i see him happy is when he is talking on line. We have tried banning the internet at night but he only watches TV instead . Also the trouble is that we need to go to bed at a reasonable time, so we cannot be up really late making sure he is behaving, also the same applies with not letting him sleep during the day, when you are at work you cannot do anything about it. My son can survive on 5 hours sleep a night, this has been the case since he was very young. I am sorry not to be much help, but you are not alone <'> ><

[dm2010]

It's your house - turn the power sockets off.

Teenagers will naturally gravitate towards the easiest route, so don't give them the option.

[Alma]

I certainly understand. My stepson is nearly 15 and would happily be alone in his room all day. We're torn between acknowledging that he is relaxed whilst watching tv or playing on the computer but not wanting to let him waste his life away. If he doesn't try to take part in everyday,life how will he ever learn to manage? J has recently stopped doing any of his "jobs" (we have a tick list for everyday routines like doing schoolwork, bringing lunch box into kitchen, preparing school bag for tomorrow) and has become even more negative. He sees the worst in everything and everybody, is destructive and swears at us yet when people he likes are present (his aunt, some of our friends) his is charm personified. It's this instant change of behaviours which really gets to me. The psychologists say that he is awful wih us as he feels secure and trusts us which may be true but doesn't make us feel any better when we're in the thick of it. What we need to try to do is remember that these children have such a different outlook on life to us and can't begin to understand how much they hurt us - easier said than done, I know only too well but your not alone and there are people out there who understand - I guess that's where these forums help

[baddad]

The psychologists say that he is awful wih us as he feels secure and trusts us which may be true

 

I would underline that 'May'... I think this is the most dangerous/disabling piece of psychobabble experts come out with these days and it leads directly to situations of parental abuse and acts as a justification for parental abuse. It also paves the way for empowering abusive adults to abuse their partners and their own children, when after successfully 'managing' their 'unmanageable' aggression for a long enough period to entrap outsiders they revert to type.

Your son does understand how he hurts you - if he did not he would not have the 'wit' to realise that he needs to modify his behaviour with others and become 'charm personified'. Basically, he's is bullying the people he feels empowered and enabled to bully, and that has nothing to do with 'love' or 'trust' or 'security' and absolutely everything to do with having to sense and understanding to pick willing victims who will accept the abuse. And it has absolutely nothing to do with autism - as switching on any tv programme detailing abusive children/teenagers and dysfunctional relationships will quickly establish.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited July 6, 2011 by baddad

[bid]

I would underline that 'May'... I think this is the most dangerous/disabling piece of psychobabble experts come out with these days and it leads directly to situations of parental abuse and acts as a justification for parental abuse. It also paves the way for empowering abusive adults to abuse their partners and their own children, when after successfully 'managing' their 'unmanageable' aggression for a long enough period to entrap outsiders they revert to type.

Your son does understand how he hurts you - if he did not he would not have the 'wit' to realise that he needs to modify his behaviour with others and become 'charm personified'. Basically, he's is bullying the people he feels empowered and enabled to bully, and that has nothing to do with 'love' or 'trust' or 'security' and absolutely everything to do with having to sense and understanding to pick willing victims who will accept the abuse. And it has absolutely nothing to do with autism - as switching on any tv programme detailing abusive children/teenagers and dysfunctional relationships will quickly establish.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

I do actually think the psychologist is correct...all of us tend to be more grouchy with our nearest and dearest than, for example, with work colleagues or our in-laws.

 

However...I think that this perfectly recognisable psychological 'norm' has become mis-interpreted by some people: only the first half of this behavioural construct is acknowledged, without the second half being recognised. 1. Yes, I might possibly have been quite 'short' with my nearest and dearest when I have just done an 11 hour night shift (surely not?! ), but 2. I also know that if I screeched at them all, I would have the error of my ways graphically explained to me! But I think with a lot of children/teenagers in general (not just those with ASD) this vital step is either ignored or not applied consistently or in an autism-specific way (by this I mean using appropriate behavioural techniques, clear language, visual aids if applicable, etc).

 

Bid

Edited July 6, 2011 by bid

[baddad]

I do actually think the psychologist is correct...all of us tend to be more grouchy with our nearest and dearest than, for example, with work colleagues or our in-laws.

 

However...I think that this perfectly recognisable psychological 'norm' has become mis-interpreted by some people: only the first half of this behavioural construct is acknowledged, without the second half being recognised. 1. Yes, I might possibly have been quite 'short' with my nearest and dearest when I have just done an 11 hour night shift (surely not?! ), but 2. I also know that if I screeched at them all, I would have the error of my ways graphically explained to me! But I think with a lot of children/teenagers in general (not just those with ASD) this vital step is either ignored or not applied consistently or in an autism-specific way (by this I mean using appropriate behavioural techniques, clear language, visual aids if applicable, etc).

 

Bid

 

Oh absolutely - I wasn't suggesting that 'you always hurt the one you love' was a myth; just commenting on the way that perfectly normal behaviour (for NT's and autistic peeps alike) is misinterpreted and represented as something that's acceptable or that should be accepted. In your post you've mentioned 'autism specific' reponses like clear language and visual aids etc, which again can be relevant, but again, as with your example, the 'IF APPLICABLE' part is often overlooked/not recognised, and many parents seem to go out of their way to pussyfoot around behaviours enacted knowingly by children, because of assumptions that are evidently incorrect, as in the situation described by Alma. If her son is aware enough to be 'charm personified' for others then he also, by definition, must also be making choices about when and with whom he demonstrates that, which completely negates the assumption that he 'can't begin to understand'. He might have a different outlook on life - one that includes abusing people he can succesfully abuse - but it has nothing to do with his autism, any more than it does with NT children who are abusive to people who will accept the role of victim if it's assigned to them...

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

I have been reading through this and several other 'teen' posts with interest and trepidation. My almost 12 y.o. is getting more and more terrible. He was only diagnosed about 2 months ago, but is way too smart. He is also very abusive to us, espcially me and NT brother (9). And can be 'charm personified' to those who he choses. One psychologist even suggested it wasn't AS, but that he was a paranoid megalamaniac. Psychiatrist diagreed with thsi, and from this post, I can see other AS teens act the same. W now tries to be too clever, is abusive and tells me "it wasn't him, it was his 'disease' swearing at me!"

 

W would also prefer to spend his life on the computer, and tells me his virtual friends are the only friends he has. But I don't let him have a computer in his room, so I can monitor how long he is on it. Not that it always helps, as we do have shouting and screaming when I tell him to come off - the doctor said 4 hours per day was plenty, but we do modify that if it's raining all day or something. sOME days it is hard for me to imagine how he will manage as an adult, but I hope, from some of the comments, that our trying to be strict now will help him. Being told "I hate you" several times a day is never easy, but maybe it will be worth it.

 

He does have one friend who he has had since we moved here when he was 4. They are sometimes not speaking, when W gets mad because his friend won't do what he wants, but I have explained to the friend and his mother that W doesn't always mean what he says etc - Earlier this afternoon W was totally horrible as I told them it was computer break time, and they had to walk the dog with me - but his freind understood W was mad at me and not him - we walked the dog in silence - and as soon as we got back, W was speaking again.

 

My son is younger than yours, so maybe I have a lot worse to come. But hopefully we can all gain a little from each other.

 

Di

Edited July 11, 2011 by Dijac

[baddad]

Hi Dijac -

If I can add one small qualifier to your post:

 

I can see other AS teens act the same

 

Drop the 'AS' from that... almost all teens who are allowed to act this way will act this way. I also think it's an error of judgement to explain to his mother and friend that he doesn't always mean what he says, as it removes the need for him to take responsibility for what he says - something he's already picked up on and capitalises on as evidenced here:

tells me "it wasn't him, it was his 'disease' swearing at me!"...

I'd nip that one in the bud...

 

Stick to the sanctions, make sure they are ones that 'hurt' and don't bargain or compromise. Rewards should come for good behaviour, not as compromises to limit bad behaviour, which is what the 'bargains' always turn out to be.

 

THTH

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited July 11, 2011 by baddad

[oxgirl]

I'm quite interested in the 'charm personified' aspect of this thread. My lad is nearly 18 and it is impossible for him to moderate his behaviour according to who he is with at the time, iyswim.

 

Most of us put on a bit of an act with people at work, or in-laws or whatever, by which I mean, we might make more of an effort and put on a brave face, chat more animatedly than we would at home when we're just relaxing, that kind of thing. For my lad, he is the same whoever he is with, which can be a problem in itself. If he is in a mood then, when he is at college, he is totally unable to 'make an effort' for the sake of interacting with his peers, if he is moody, then he is moody with everyone regardless of who they are. Does that make sense.

 

I wish, in a way, that he could be moody and non-communicative, taciturn and insular at home and then go into college and laugh and chat and mix with the kids because he's deliberately putting in an effort to form relationships and friendships with them, but he just can't. He says he doesn't know how to do this and I'm not sure I know how to teach him. He can be so unresponsive and I sort of expect that when he's with us (I remember what I was like at 17!), but I also remember my brother used to just grunt at our mum but then would be the life and soul and surrounded by mates when he went out!

 

Not sure what point I'm making really, just that my lad is so flat sometimes, he never smiles at people or engages with them, no matter who they are. I'm trying to teach him to smile, I know it sounds strange but if he could at least smile at the kids at college when he sees them in the morning, it would be a start.

 

~ Mel ~

[Dijac]

Hi again,

 

We have been rapidly approaching adolescnece and had his AS diagnosis, all in the last few months, so we are still in a bit of a learning curve, and deciding what is due to his syndrome and what is due to his age is sometimes confusing. But we are trying to address his behaviour. I did put my foot down and unplugged the computer this afternoon, and after a lot of huffing and complaining, he even ended up playing with his brother - I do intend to stick with it.

 

Also, when I said he can be charming, it is only when he is in a good mood. He often has problems sleeping, and when he is overtired, he has problems talking to anyone. And this has been getting more and more the case recently. He just looks so sad some days.

 

Di

[baddad]

I did put my foot down and unplugged the computer this afternoon, and after a lot of huffing and complaining, he even ended up playing with his brother - I do intend to stick with it.

 

 

 

Additionally, I wouldn't waste too much energy on:

 

deciding what is due to his syndrome and what is due to his age

 

If it's not an acceptable behaviour it is a moot point. If it is due to his syndrome and something he genuinely cannot overcome then he will have to live with that, because ultimately non-acceptable behaviour will compromise his life, opportunities, relationships - every aspect of his life in fact - in any situation that is not part of an adapted 'artificial world' constructed specifically for him. That's the reality of any disability. Better to make positive assumptions about what he can achieve rather than negative ones about what he can't, 'cos can'ts are always going to be disabling.

 

L&P

 

BD

[JsMum]

Was your son in a special school? has your son just finished GCSEs, if so no one can underestimate the stress of GCSEs so it could be that he is just catching up on sleep so maybe it is just going to take some time.

 

Since may he has been at home and school can offer a structure, routine and boundaries which would of helped a lot for predictability.

 

I recommend looking at a daily visual timebable for at home, what are his interests would he be interested in joining his local gym, go swimming, cycling, camping with his brother, just something that gets him out and maybe improve his interaction with his brother.

 

Maybe get them both to do some fund raising activities or ask your local council if there are any clubs that would interest your son.

 

Contact your local Autism outreach team to look at stratagies to put in place to help you son have a more structured day time.

 

Once my sleep goes out of sync everything is effected so it is best to have a good evening routine with a active day routine to help the evening routine be more successful.

 

JsMumx