Really made a mess of things

[asereht]

Hi all,

 

Feeling really bad at the moment .

 

My son 14 yrs and 5'5' AS got quite annoyed the other night because he couldn't watch something on TV. He got aggressive towards me and had to be restrained he eventually calmed down only to start again the next night over something just as trivial. This time there was no calming him my husband found it hard to restain him to keep him from hurting me. My older son kept out of it my daughter 17 was in tears.

 

It was in the early hours of the morning when we got to bed and we were wrestling with him to retrive keys as he was trying to leave the house.

 

He kind of calmed down but then refused to go to his room we were worried about what he might do if we left him downstairs.

 

To get to the point I completely lost it at this stage and screamed at him said a lot of things I didn't mean ( like my life is c**p etc) and regret it now. This was two days ago and he still won't talk to me. If I try to approach him he pushes me away and becomes slightly agressive again.

 

If I really need him to answer a question he gestures or nods his head.

 

He is not talking to anyone else either but I did hear him ask his brother if he had seen his shoes around.

 

He covered my leg in bruises because he kicked me and when I showed him these he did look but said nothing.

 

I did apoligize and explained that we have gotton back in touch with his psychologist ( who is useless) and are trying to get him some further help for these outbursts and we understand that it is beyond his control but all I get is blank stares.

 

Sorry to go on for so long but I just wanted to warn you all of the damage that can be done by things said in haste.

 

We had a fairly good relationship (when he wasn't in a mood) now I feel I have ruined it for good and also caused my son to become silent ,which he usually does when stressed , but never really with the family or me and not for this long.

 

I wish I could turn back time

 

 

T

[kirstie]

Asereht,

I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. We have all done it when we've been under extreme stress.We are, after all only human and as parents of children on the spectrum our limits get stretched on a regular basis.

I hope your Psychologist can help out in some way, i know how draining the violent rages, lack of sleep etc are.

Im sending you a huge big <'> and don't beat yourself up you're doing a graet job.

Take care,

Love Kirstie.

[oracle]

Your son is at a very difficult age. I know believe me. It appears to be an age when some of our kids make an attempt to control those that they live with ie us! Even the smallest thing can trip the switch, which you have already found, and if the outcome of any dispute does not go their way, then the after shocks can vibrate through the house for days.

 

You need to set some very firm rules here. Easier said than done I know, again I really do know. First rule is no physical aggression. It's not acceptable EVER. You may have said some pretty horrible things to your son, but maybe you will feel better when you know that I told mine that no matter what dx he had if he ever tried to hurt me or anyone else in the house he would no longer be living with us. I said it like I meant it because I did. I also told him that no matter how angry he was I did not deserve to be treat like dirt and would not be treat like dirt.You cannot be held hostage by your son.

 

When your son blows give him a bolt hole. His room is probably best if he does not share it with anyone. Then if he blows he goes there and it's not open to question. It's your house your rules keep telling him that and mean it. Again I know that could create another flash point but you have to stamp your authority here. He may have no control over his outburst but he has to accept that you all have rights to. He may not understand that but he does have to accept it.

 

If your son has stopped talking to you then for the time being let it be. Again easy for me to say but I eventually realised that by trying to make it up with David, even by talking to him, he felt that he has won and was still in control. He felt that he was calling the shots and pushing me away was letting me see how displeased he was with me. Tough - it's your turn to show your displeasure. I now totally ignore David and he eventually comes to me, usually with an apology. David had a blow up last week just before his 18th Birthday. He went to his room screamed, played music loud enough to break my ear drums and banged his stuff around. I did not even go in to say goodnight and I always do. It hurt me as much as him, but next day I was the one receving the apology. I always apologise to him if I blow up and I expect likewise. I of course do not know your son but I have been threatend with alsorts including knives so it has been pretty bad. No mater how scared I was I learned I must never back down. You have apologised to him for your outbust. In future you need an apology from him to.

 

I do know how difficult that this is for you and you can only start by having a zero tolerance for physical violence and sticking with it. Screaming abuse and throwing things around in his room may not be nice, but it's better than being a target yourself.

 

I hope I have not over stepped the mark here? I do not have any answers only what eventually worked for us, and we still have some really good power struggles, so I have not won the war yet!

 

Carole

Edited July 19, 2005 by carole

[Suze]

Theresa sorry things are so bad.Carole ,s advice sounds really good.It,s hard being a teenager at the best of times I can,t imagine how difficult our kids find it.Don,t feel so bad on yourself your son can,t be allowed to physically hurt you I imagine the tension and stress last night must have been awful.Your son will come round stay strong he needs to know you mean business , <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> ....big hugs keep us posted.

[baddad]

Hi Theresa -

Can appreciate exactly how you're feeling, 'cos i've been there too, but from the 'outside' perspective i can assure you that Carol (and the others who've responded) has hit the nail on the head.

At the moment, your son has successfully offloaded all of his guilt, anger and frustration onto you, and in the process he's put himself in the driving seat while the rest of the house tiptoe around him for fear of aggravating the situation...

Now, none of this has anything to do with autism - it's just human nature, and basic psychology, but I would suggest that autism adds another dimension to it in terms of both the (unwarranted) guilt trip the parent feels ("Oh God! As if the poor beggars not got it bad enough already with the rest of the world without me adding to it" etc etc), and the 'control' aspect that is a recognised aspect of ASD's in general.

Loving your son unconditionally goes without saying, but it doesn't mean accepting the role of punchbag unflichingly. Working hard to get it 'right' is the best any of us can do, and getting it wrong sometimes is part of that process.

Give him some space for a couple of days (but don't walk on eggshells) - he'll get over it. If giving him that space makes it 'worse', that's a pretty good indication that he's still trying to use the incident to his advantage. Don't let him...

L&P

and hope things are calmer soon

BD

[LittleRae]

T

 

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

 

A

[Alli]

Carole

We had similar probs and we adopted your approach and it really improved things. So many times I wanted to suggest what you outlined in your post. You really express it so well. We still have problems but no one in our house uses physical aggression. Our son still shouts/swears when we try to discuss things but this is improving too.

Alli

[asereht]

HI all and thanks for your replies.

 

Carole I have told my son everything you mention above.

 

He is given a place to go when he is like this but he needs to be physically put there as he refuses to leave the situation.This is not easy to do.

 

I have also told him that what he has done is not going to be accepted in our house. He has apoligized now but when he gets in a rage again all that goes out the window.

 

I really am grateful for all the advice given here but I feel my sons problems must be quite serious as I have already done everthing suggested in the past and also on an ongoing basis.

 

To be honest I now feel that my son may be beyond help and I also feel a bit of a failure as what works for everyone and what should work for us cleary isn't.

 

I have two older children 18 and 17. Although they are not AS I never get the defiance and pure refusal to follow rules that I get from him.

 

The thing is when he is not like this he is in great form and so lovable.

 

I need time to think things over so I won't be back for a while.

 

Thankyou all for your help and advice and take care. <'>

[asereht]

We still have problems but no one in our house uses physical aggression.

Alli

Alli ,

 

Glad things are so wonderful and perfect in your house . Things are not the same for everyone and just because my son has more serious problems than yours doesn't mean I have not tried to lay down rules like you do .

 

I hope you never find youself in my situation as I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

There is nothing worse than knowing you are doing everything in your power as parents apart from getting him locked away somewhere.

 

Also I am constantly ringing psycholigists/psychiatrists etc. about his problems no one wants to know.

 

 

My husband and I are both hard working. Our older children are in college. I have worked with children in the past so I should know what I am doing.

 

We are not from a deprived background. Maybe if we were we would get some support.

 

T

[Guest flutter]

hey YOU are not alone <'> <'> <'>

my daughter at 10 nearly 11 sound just like your son

i havent got any pearls of wisdom, except u need to find some space for your self

thinkin of u

C xx

[call me jaded]

Have you had an apology for the bruises?

 

My son's 'rages' disappeared once we changed his diet and my NT daughter's mood swings are much more stable too. Seriously I used to have scars on my arms where he used to attack me. Have you done GFCF?

Edited July 20, 2005 by call me jaded

[Tylers-mum]

Thankfully I haven't reached that age yet. My son is 6 and in the past 2-3wks, his violence towards me is getting worse and it's NOT good! At this age, I can restrain him, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when he's 15!! I'm on my own with him and no man to help restrain him!

 

All I can do right now is offer you the warmest and cuddliest HUGS I can and to say, I'm thinking of you! <'> <'> <'>

[barefoot wend]

Asereht

 

I am sorry you will not be posting. I have always found your posts helpful.

 

I really hope things turn out okay for you and yours.

 

Barefoot

[baddad]

We still have problems but no one in our house uses physical aggression.

Alli

Alli ,

 

Glad things are so wonderful and perfect in your house . Things are not the same for everyone and just because my son has more serious problems than yours doesn't mean I have not tried to lay down rules like you do .

 

I hope you never find youself in my situation as I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

We are not from a deprived background. Maybe if we were we would get some support.

 

T

Hi Again Theresa -

can really appreciate your frustration, but two wrongs and all that...

I may be misunderstanding, but i suspect that Alli wasn't offering any sort of 'judgement', she was just endorsing what Carol said. We all know it doesn't always work, and we all know that even when it does work most of the time there are still going to be times when it just goes out the window...

 

Not sure what you mean by a deprived environment, but one thing I'm fairly confident of is that accessing support is hard all round, and assuming that we're all getting less than we need, I'd guess that a kid would be better off in a situation where parents were able to 'help themselves' rather than one where parents AND child were lacking support networks.

 

Hope things are calmer for you all soon, and that this message is taken in the spirit it's intended.

L&P

BD

[asereht]

We are not from a deprived background. Maybe if we were we would get some support

Sorry baddad didn't mean any offence The reason I said this was although my husband and I work. We are still supporting our older two as they do not work during college terms.

 

I only work part-time and we are not always in a position to access services privately but nothing seems to be available to us through the health services.

 

I know people who have problems in their families unemployment ,separation etc they are all very nice people ( some friends and relatives) but they only have to ask and they are given the help they need for their children. Which of course is right but it should be the same for all children.

 

I take your post in good spirt as I know it was given that way.

 

Alli - sorry for being so harsh. I am a nice person really Just feeling sensitive at the moment, so I opened my mouth before I put my brain in gear!

 

Thanks again to anyone else that posted.

 

I will take time out now for a while from posting but I will keep popping in and out of the forum now and again to see how you all are. I consider you all my friends.

 

In the words of Arnie " I'll be back"!

 

Love to you all.

 

Theresa

Edited July 20, 2005 by asereht

[baddad]

Hi Theresa -

Hope your not 'offline' for too long - we'll miss ya!

Where do you live? Ben and i have been begging for some support for ###### ages and not a sausage! I'm gonna move up your way and start asking!

Hope things are moving forward for you soon. in the meantime, keep your pecker up, and keep posting...

L&P

BD

[Suze]

Theresa things must be really bad and hard at the moment, don,t know if you,ll get to read this but keep doing what your doing,bang down those doors and stay in touch, wishing you love hugs and a blue sky soon.

[nellie]

Theresa <'> <'>

 

Please don't blame yourself, I'm sure you are doing your best, you can't do any better than that. Sometimes you just can't win, no matter what you do!!

 

I just have one thought. Are you sure your son understands the rules fully, does he fully understand what is expected from him. If he doesn't understand, then he may think that an injustice is being done when he is told off. It might be worth making a contract with the rules written down, once you know he fully understands and accepts them, you could ask him to sign the contract.

 

Don't stay away too long, we need you!

 

Nellie xx

[bid]

Don't stay away too long...we all miss you <'>

 

Bid