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Making new friends

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As somebody in their mid 30's with Aspergers should I just face reality that trying to make new friends just does not work for me and that I should give up trying.

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As a recently diagnosed 46 year old Aspergers person my biggest problem when i was younger was trying to " fit in"....the more i tried to do what the good fine general public expected, the more i felt inadequate as a person. My interests absorbed me for many years and then at 30 years old i realised that " fitting in " was where i was going wrong. One can never be happy trying to be what one isn't. We are different and a lot of people out there like that a lot, so just be you and don't give up trying to meet new people....you just have to get out to those people places

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Don't give up. I've been told recently by a psych who heads a diagnostic panel that I have AS. I think it's pretty mild, tbh, but the point is, I'm 35 and I really had given up on friendship beyond the family ( apart from two occasional contact friends), and had tried to convince myself that it didn't really matter anyway, coz I had my family. But friendship has come my way. The trouble with friendship is that it can neither be predicted nor forced, and I think that that is the case whether AS is present or not.

 

It's hard to know from where friendship might come, but don't give up on it, and I would say, try to keep possible sources of friendship as open as possible i.e. continue to involve yourself in things with which you feel comfortable, but that which may offer friendship - any groups you go to, online opportunities, that sort of thing. I can't guarantee that anything will come of it because that's not how it works, unfortunately. But friendship is less likely to occur if you isolate yourself through discouragement.

 

I'm not an oracle, and I'm not much good at advice, but I can tell you from experience that your mid- thirties, or any other time, is no good reason to give up.

 

Don't give up. :)

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My thoughts exactly. I have never had many friends. Always been a loner and until last year, never knew why. I never really understood casual friendships. Now I have a better understanding of myself and "NT things" in general, and changed the way I interact with people, I certainly have far more casual relationships with people than all the years of my life. But the social skills element is still missing although I am a little better than what I used to be. I never realised how "bad" I looked or the fact I was giving out negative body language which obviously put people off. No wonder people didn't "like" me.

 

So don't dispair, work on yourself, observe others and it can be done. But don't be too intense with people - keep friendships casual and open like Mannify says and you might never know where they may lead.

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What about Aspergers social groups ? Then you would meet people who were like minded.

 

You say mid 30's like mid 30's is a time to put on your slippers and watch antiques roadshow but it's still very young. :D

 

Everyone is different obviously, what kind of things do you like to do ? Maybe there is some location where other people have the same interests as yourself, I always find it helps to just put on a happy face and be polite.

 

I have kind of hidden away from the World until I got my diagnoses, I wont let my Aspergers control and define my life to this 12 year old shy boy who never changed, 26 now and I could say "well I'm mid 20s and I don't have any friends, time to give up" No way, there is a life out there to be had and if I was mid 30's I would be thinking in the same positive way.

 

I really hate to give advice, but when I see someone in the same situation, it's almost like I should tell them, because I would want someone to do the same for me, especially if they are in the process of over coming the same issues.

 

keep your chin up !

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Hi. Thanks for the advice. I am keen to meet others who also suffer from this condition. Does anybody have any suggestions as to how I get involved with Aspergers Social groups?

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It depends on where you live, what I did when I wanted to know about AS social groups is I played around on google for a while and found out what was in my area (which was 2 main groups and the occasional smaller ones dotted around in awkward places to get to). What I then did was ring one of the more main groups and email another, the first invited me to meet the guy who ran the group, and the second said "come along any time", I did go and meet the guy from the first one but I actually still haven't been to the group yet (just thought I should make that clear!!).

 

Do you know what is available near where you live?

Edited by darkshine

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Some are run by the NAS, others e.g. the ones i co run are done independently. If you put your "county + Adult Aspergers" that could produce some results. Some groups have catchment areas. The groups i co run have catchment criterion, provided you stay 'clean' and sober and avoid discriminatory behaviour towards others you are welcome to join us.

 

Groups are in Bristol and Bath, pm me for details. The groups are located as close to public transport as possible. People travel from outside Bristol and Bath.

 

HTH

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