Upset by lady in cafe

[Noskcaj86]

Just got home from supermarket, we decided to feed the kids in the cafe there tonight. My son Jack was sitting in a high chair because he had already managed to run off and go missing in the shop for 10 mins while me and some of the shops staff frantically ran around looking for him and his dad blocked the exit! So i wasnt risking that happening again. He's 4 so is a bit big for a high chair so it does look a bit funny. Anyway, Jack was happily sitting in the high chair making his clicking and Oooo-ing noise, flapping hands and scrabbling his fingers refusing to eat as usual, a woman sitting 2 tables away started staring at him and then looking at me with a dissaproving look. She then pointed her finger directly at me and nudged her husband who also started staring while she muttered something under her breath to him. My son was not being disruptive, he was not running around, climbing on the tables (which does happen if not controlled properly) he was happily sitting in his chair doing what i think is his form of stimming (he's not yet diagnosed, but has been referred for asd diagnosis). It hurts so much when this kind of thing happens. He's a lovely little boy and was not doing anything wrong, he was just being himself. I am not a bad mother but when this happens it makes me feel like im being accused of bad parenting. I love my son to bits, i just wiah other people would see what a sweet boy he is I feel sad for him that he gets judged and people thing he's naughty when he's not, he is misunderstood on a daily basis. Some people are so unbelivably ignorant. Its so so hurtful, they have no idea how much it hurts me as his mum. Sorry for spelling mistakes!

[Lyndalou]

It's very hard when people are clearly disapproving and in the case of this couple, downright ignorant in their attitude towards your child and your parenting. You can only do what you feel is right at the time and as you say, your son was sitting happily and there is no reason why other people should act this way towards you. Unfortunately, it will happen over and over because often people simply don't understand but hopefully in time you will start to be able to turn a blind eye or at least know the right way to react in each situation.

 

There are cards that you can get from the NAS which state that your child is autistic and that this is why they are acting or reacting in a certain way. I think they are called Autism Alert cards. I don't have them as I have not as yet felt the need for them but they may be helpful for you if you don't know what to say to these people. You simply have to walk over and put it on their table and I would think they would be quite embarrassed and at least might stop staring and pointing!

 

It doesn't happen very often but there was the one time that my little boy was on a slide with other little boys and he chose to sit at the top, making it difficult for the other children to get past because he didn't want children coming down the slide behind him and he was apprehensive about children coming up the steps. He was getting upset and it was clearly he was acting a little unusually. I just casually said to the other mother who was standing at the bottom of the slide that he was apprehensive around other children and quickly we got onto the subject of developmental disabilities. She was absolutely fine with it and gave guidance to her boys accordingly saying that my son was a 'bit shy' and to let him have a turn as I coaxed him to come down the slide. It's a breath of fresh air when this happens! You see, there are those who are more sympathetic in amongst the numpties!

[sesley]

people who don't know, are very good at pointing fingers and making judgements on poor parents. its very distressing to the parents when little one or even big ones getting unnecessary in Apple store, gets the stares.the best i can advise is to put it behind you,move on whats important is your sons safety and thats who you have to focus on,because unfortunately you can't stop the ignorance.

[trekster]

If i was feeling braver i would have mouthed the words 'do you mind my son is disabled' at them.

[Special_talent123]

Just ignore them if they got a problem so let them just don't let them upset u

[Mike_GX101]

There are cards that you can get from the NAS which state that your child is autistic and that this is why they are acting or reacting in a certain way. I think they are called Autism Alert cards. I don't have them as I have not as yet felt the need for them but they may be helpful for you if you don't know what to say to these people. You simply have to walk over and put it on their table and I would think they would be quite embarrassed and at least might stop staring and pointing!

 

Quite how an Autism Alert card would have helped in this situation one is not so certain. It seems to me as if a misunderstanding may have occurred and without clarification sought at the time from the party bothered about the situation there can be no ascertainable certainty as to what was right or wrong. Just don't let a single couple (one out of millions and millions) bother you. Do other couples point their fingers and look with disapproving looks?

Edited December 7, 2012 by Mike_GX101

[justine1]

Quite how an Autism Alert card would have helped in this situation one is not so certain. It seems to me as if a misunderstanding may have occurred and without clarification sought at the time from the party bothered about the situation there can be no ascertainable certainty as to what was right or wrong. Just don't let a single couple (one out of millions and millions) bother you. Do other couples point their fingers and look with disapproving looks?

 

I agree with the above.Do these alert cards work with children? Just curious as I personaly would'nt think so. In other posts I have explained that with my two boys I do not make excuses or allowances for behaviour,after all I have two NT son's who I tell off for negative behaviour why would I let the two with ASD run riot? How does a parent know where the ASD/ADHD or any other condition plays a part in the behaviour and where its just a case of being naughty(as it could be combination of both)? That is why I think by having cards or saying my kid has ASD or is disabled we are just making allowances. I chose to just ignore the funny looks and comments,in fact after 7 years I hardly notice anymore,nobody has ever said anything directly to me about my boys so until they do I will continue to focus my energy on teaching them how to behave and spend less energy on other people.

[Sa Skimrande]

This country sadly like every other country has it's contingent of a** holes in it, just disapproving people that don't know anything but are quick to chide others, what I would have done in such a situation is got up and gone and ask them if they had a problem as those that point fingers often become very sheepish when they are approached for what appears to be a problem, In which case I would have said one word; autistic and left it at that. Failing getting up and confronting them I would have mouthed f off in their direction as they have already made their judgement they deserve what they get. I am not as timid as I used to be, I don't take it anymore, I will seek to educate or I won't bother and just send an insult to where it is deserving.

 

But it is with this thing one often does not notice others disapproving stares, I am me, I am happy in myself mostly and I don't notice others stares, that's a good thing as I can get very paranoid when I for some reason perceive I am being watched, and it happened today in a charity shop of all places and it set up an anxiety that I was being watched by everyone particularly store detectives as it is usual I am followed around by them.

 

But I have been told I come across as odd when I am plodding around the shopping centre, I dress all in black complete with an Aussie leather bush hat and usually it is I have my headphones in and I have been seen to be sort of half dancing to the music but it is my expression that others find disconcerting in that I have an almost glazed fixed stare which comes across in our modern age I know as a junkie and there no wonder I am stared at because everyone thinks I am an automatic source of trouble, but I laugh at them for they are wasting their time, their judgements will cost them as obvious trouble makers often aren't trouble makers those that wish to be that are more covert. But the half dancing type movement when I am aware of it, I stop as society seems to not like people responding to music in the wrong places, but I can't help my movement to music, it is what music does to me. And so I have been told sometimes I come across as perhaps a junkie or at least a mental patient, either way trouble, but for me to shop amongst people I have to isolate myself as much as possible or I won't shop or go near people. But wherever possible I hold doors open for others and smile at others even though my gaze is locked, I am noticing a lot more than people think. Yes I am in my own little world when I shop, but it suits me people can do as they please but if I notice offence I will tackle it the politest possible way where I have been also told when I speak it is devoid of accent and comes across as educated, ( perhaps something I picked up in Oxford where I used to live), of which I have been told is disconcerting, a case where perceived prejudices do not fit the outcome- keep people guessing, that suits me.

 

But again this world is full of people with prejudices some can be educated others resist it, but I will not suffer insult from anyone anymore.

 

Edited to add, the subject of alert cards I find particularly abhorrent they are a visible label why someone is defective in some way and to have such a thing to label is saying one thinks others will think the labelled is defective and they will put away their disapproving stares when the label is presented, when no they won't, given a label they will continue to stare and pass comment as though they were watching an exhibit in a zoo.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Sa Skimrande

[Noskcaj86]

Thanx all for replies,

 

Mike- yes it has happened before,

 

Ive had people say things driectely to me about his behaviour in the past, but that's been during a meltdown, an example was a meltdown while on the bus. A woman sat behind me decided to tell me i had no control, when actually I was controlling they situation really well considering i was on my own and we were stuck on a moving bus!

Its a shame about yesterday as he was being really well behaved, he was stimming which i think they didnt like watching/hearing while they were having there cups of tea!! It was a horrible situation to be in, i wanted to go and ask "what's your problem?" but I didnt because i was to scared. I think it felt worse because at the time he was behaving really well, we were having a nice calm family meal out (very rare) and this woman ruined it, at least for me and his dad .

Anyway, not so upset today, feeling more positive and learning/getting stronger from each bad experienc. A shame some people cant keep there thoughts to themselves though.

[oxgirl]

As you didn't hear what they were saying, is it possible that they might just have been discussing how your son was behaving, his stims? Maybe they know of someone who does that too and were just commenting to each other on, oh yes, so and so does that. It could be even that they knew someone with autism themselves and were talking about the similarities between what your son was doing and someone else? Just a thought.

 

~ Mel ~

[Noskcaj86]

No it was definatly negative attention, she was glaring at us. If only it had been what you suggested, that would have been great

[Mike_GX101]

Should have glared back.

[Noskcaj86]

I did but i was to scared to go up to her and say anything, looking back i wish i had. But after that i'll be ready next time!

[Sa Skimrande]

Given it is socially accepted that it is rude to point at others one can kind of guess the intent. Give them both barrels next time.

[Special_talent123]

Quite how an Autism Alert card would have helped in this situation one is not so certain. It seems to me as if a misunderstanding may have occurred and without clarification sought at the time from the party bothered about the situation there can be no ascertainable certainty as to what was right or wrong. Just don't let a single couple (one out of millions and millions) bother you. Do other couples point their fingers and look with disapproving looks?

 

Helps me to communicate to others when in a situation also if in a police situation they need to understand how to communicate and the triggers and why we are like this.

[trekster]

i agree with most of w3hat others have said here, mouthing the words 'dont stare' sometimes does the trick.

Or even 'haven't you seen an autistic child before?'

[sesley]

sometimes it helps if you actually ignore people like that hard i know,when you can almost feel their eyes boring into you,but for your own sanity its best to forget about them and move on,focus on your childs needs and enjoy the meal or carry on shopping. I have had mine swimming on the floor of a supermarket over a game he wanted,with everyone looking and pointing including the staff.I ignored them and got him out making sure he was ok,and it felt ok to ignore them,by then i had began to get a thick skin as you do.

Edited December 10, 2012 by sesley

[Sa Skimrande]

But one has to stand up for themselves in life if they perceive offence or forever by walked all over and I know from bitter experience that makes you feel like nothing. Those that commit wrong need to understand that they have committed wrong by others whether they care is irrelevant what matters is oneself protesting at perceived ill treatment

[Noskcaj86]

I think i'll look in to getting the autism awareness cards to hand out to people like that lady in the cafe, but i will wait until he's been diagnosed. We see his new paediatrician tomorrow for 1st time. Just finished editing together all the video clips we have of his behaviours (stimming, running back and forth back and forth, spinning, hand flapping) to show to the paed. Phew!