Communication...

[Brook]

Hi all,

 

When my six yr old son was in school, he could not stand assemblies and never attended them. One day when I picked him up they said that they had had a special assembly for red nose day, they said they had asked my son if he wanted to go and he had said "yes", but when they started to take him in he started to get very stressed and screamy, they said to me "when we asked him he wanted to go", I really could not believe for one minute that he had wanted to go.

 

When I got home I thought about it, and started to wonder if they had said "Do you want to go in assembly, or Dont you want to? to the latter question my son would have said "yes, I dont want to go", my assumption is that they only heard the "yes" and proceeded to take him, hence the stress and screams he displayed.

 

I realised that he answered alot of questions like this, and have discussed it many times with my husband.

 

Well, as I mentioned in the resources thread, I have just got a copy of 'Martian in the playground' and was gobsmacked when I came across an account explaining one girls experience with 'communication', she said that if someone asked her "Dont you want ice-cream"? she would reply"No" if she wanted some, because she thought they wanted to know if she did not want some. Therefore I realise that my son actually answers to the 'Dont' in questions, and I have noticed significant difficulties with this literal interpretation of language.

 

This also happened at a birthday party at a kids play centre, the helpers were going round dishing the food out on the kids plates, when one got to my son with the 'baked beans', he absolutely hates them, he turned round and looked at the dish she was holding, she must have seen his expression and hesitated, then she said "Dont you want beans"? he replied "yes" and before he had time to finish, she plonked a big dollop of beans on his plate it then created one hell of a meltdown

 

I suppose what I'm trying to point out with my boy is, he must face so much confusion during the course of a day, as he thinks he is answering things properly and when you think about it he is, and then everyone goes and does the opposite from what he really wants, no wonder he gets frustrated

 

I am sooooo sorry I have gone on, and I have not really explained this all very well,

but I was so pleased to actually read in that book what I have been going on about, that I just wanted to share it.

 

Thanks

 

Brook

[smallworld]

You've explained it perfectly ! and made me realise that I did this as a child all the time !! I was just labelled contrary (seems ridiculous now, with my new 20:20 hindsight)

I think this is probably a common problem with asd/as kids and makes me feel better about using such 'direct' language with mine.It can seem quite abrupt at times to say "beans ? yes or no ?" for example, but it does seem to avoid any confusion (and get an answer !)

[Brook]

Thanks Waccoe, I was worried that you'd all think, 'what the hell is she going on about'

 

It just brings it home to me more, how confusing it must be for him, especially in social situations, and even more so at school

 

I have always told people to use very basic language with him, and they look at me as if I am daft, as they see this very verbal child in front of them and think I must be making it up

 

Thanks

 

Brook

[LKU]

I still get confused by questions like that, and I am supposed to be nt!!!!

[Tylers-mum]

My son does that too and I often speak in simple language to him b/c he understands it better or if someone asks him something or to do something (like his OT etc) then I have to rephrase the question for him and often, it is by changing the odd word here and there that does the trick.

 

Also, another word I've noticed he don't understand other than 'don't' is 'sure'. LOL He tends to leave going to the toilet till the last minute and often I'll catch him holding himself so I say to him, 'Go to the toilet', He'll respond with 'I don't need to go to the toilet', to which I ask 'Are you sure??'. His answer will be 'No!'. Sometimes I'll ask him again if he needs to go and he says he doesn't. A few minutes later he's darting up those stairs!!! LOL I've learnt now not to use the 'Are you sure?' question with him although it sometimes slips out! LOL

 

Anyonoe else noticed this one???

[punky]

There is a sign in a car park i go to all the time, it says.

' No return within 2 hours' it took me a year to figure it out.

[jlp]

I though I understood what language to use with my son but still get caught out - when we go out for a walk sometimes he rides his bike and the baby (22 mth) toddles, I have a habit of saying 'watch your brother' when it looks like L might wobble in front of the bike or G might knock him and only the other day realised that when I say 'watch...' he literally does, takes his eyes off where's he's going and watches the little one!

[Tylers-mum]

There is a sign in a car park i go to all the time, it says.

' No return within 2 hours' it took me a year to figure it out.

Can you fill me in please?????

 

I', NT and don't understand that sign??? LOL OK OK, I don't drive so maybe that has something to do with it! LOL

 

Does it mean you are not allowed to collect the car before 2hrs are up????

[Brook]

Actually, I have a confession I too, took a while before I understood what it meant and I'm a driver!

 

If you park there and then leave, you cant return to park there again until two hours have passed, 'I think'

 

 

Brook

[Tylers-mum]

Actually, I have a confession I too, took a while before I understood what it meant and I'm a driver!

 

If you park there and then leave, you cant return to park there again until two hours have passed, 'I think'

 

 

Brook

Hmm, and they call this English???? LOL

 

Thanks for the interpretation brook!!

[lil_me]

My son talks and speaks very very literally

 

It causes him great upset to hear a parent say 'I could kill you sometimes' to a child.

 

I have never seen such a confused child sometimes when people say the likes of 'wipe that look off your face' 'i need eyes in the back of my head' and many other bizarre phrases people use.

 

We have an extremely bad problem with adverts as he believes every word they say. Ring up for a Disneyland DVD and come and visit the magic, well that took 3 weeks of convincing that we also had to pay a lot to go, not just phone for a DVD, and I am so pleased Redbull were stopped from advertising that it gives you wings as he was so dissappointed.

 

I once made the mistake of saying 'you can't pick your nose' of course he replied 'yes I can' and continued making me look the silly one

 

He speaks literally which can appear very rude, like telling people they stink if perfume/aftershave is strong.

 

Asking him a question like , 'can you put your coat on?' he'll of course say yes, and just look at me, its much better to just say 'put your coat on'. I sometimes feel like hitler but its easier to speak in commands really I suppose they are and keep it short.

 

Never ever say take those toilet rolls and put them in the toilet, have to say bathroom. Or next phone call is dynorod.

 

Also I was told by someone with a huge knowledge in ASD that it takes people on the spectrum about 15 seconds longer to process what we say, they sometimes only pick up parts of sentences and tend to speak in parts, this was evident when my son as putting his clothes in the bin, not the laundry bin.

 

Constantly have to think of what I am saying and how I say it, but I do slip up, then have to retrace what I said to figure out why he has responded differently.

 

Keeps me on my toes

Edited August 7, 2005 by lil_me

[smallworld]

Thinking about it, all us parents here would probably make excellent TEFL teachers. We've had to think long and hard about the ambiguity of the english language. Makes me wonder if asd children from countries with less complex languages eg. spanish and dutch ,have the same problems as we do.

A colleague of mine from my working days had a dutch husband who preferred to speak english, he said there weren't enough words in the dutch language for him to express himself fully ! ?? perhaps we've got too many hence the many confusions of meaning for our children.

The parking sign from punky got me too ! have visions of people constantly looking at their watches, thinking am I allowed to return yet ?!!

There's no such thing as 'plain english',

wac

[Flora]

Slight variation on the same theme.

 

When my son heard me say 'I'm on a diet'... he asked me what it means... and I explained that I was eating less of fattening foods in order to lose weight.

 

Years later he read an ariticle that explained that fizzy drinks are bad for you. He decided then that he would give them up and goes around telling people he's on 'a fizzy drinks diet'... naturally most people assume that he drinks them as part of his diet!

 

He can give a very good argument that being on a 'fizzy drinks diet' means that he doesn't drink them at all. I can't really argue with that as it does make literal sense!!

 

Lauren

[Minxygal]

There is a sign in a car park i go to all the time, it says.

' No return within 2 hours' it took me a year to figure it out.

 

I'm a driver too and I didn't get it

[Jericho]

My 5yr-old takes absolutely everything literally. A neighbour saw him coming home from his playscheme with a pot with seeds that he had planted and asked him if he had green fingers. The poor boy looked at her as though she were insane and said "No. I haven't been painting today!"

 

Yesterday my husband said "You're the spitting image of me!" - at which our 5yr-old burst into tears and said "No I didn't!" He thought my husband had meant "You were spitting at me".

[smiley]

my little lad thinks very literally, ...........am on week two of an ongoing 'conversation' ( ) about the meaning of the word 'goosebumps'. It's a programme on tv, which i won't let him watch, bit to spooky for him ( - and he believes everything he see's on tele!). I have explained it so many different ways, to try to help him understand. He is still of the belief that it is infact a giant goose who bumps into things - and that's why he can't watch it - "big geese are scary!"

 

bless him!

 

i also have to watch how i phrase things, my dad's a scott, i've picked up the lingo from him. I used to say "Do you not want to......" "Do you not think you should go to the toilet" . No wonder the poor guys confused!

[UltraMum]

Recently I heard my son leave the downstairs bathroom but there had been no sound of flushing or handwashing - so I said "Have you flushed the toilet or washed your hands?"

 

He returned to the bathroom and began washing his hands. I called out to him to flush the toilet first, before he washed his hands. He called back "I thought I had a choice." When I considered exactly what I had said I did appear to have offered him a choice!

 

 

... we've just returned from a holiday in the Lake District - J was continually trying to ring the bell in the B&B which summoned the owners if you had a problem - it was the middle of the week before I realised that he regarded "Please ring" as a command rather than an option!

 

[Brook]

I too sometimes slip up with the use of language.

The other morning my husband said he was going to clean out the kids two goldfish, he started to do this and I went upstairs to tidy up. A while later my son came up to trampoline on the bed I'd just made I said to him "Is dad still cleaning the fish"? my son replied "No, he's not cleaning the fish, he's cleaning the fish tank"

 

It did bring a smirk to my face, but at the end of the day he was the one that was right

 

Brook

[CarerQuie]

I just love their literal take on language.

 

Rhys was complaining to me that Rhodri had kept him awake by repeating A Simpson's episode verbatim for over two hours.He said to me 'my brain EXPLODED!!!'Rhodri turned to him and said 'have you got a new brain,then?'xx

[fairies72]

All this sounds so familiar to me.I have 2 very literal children .My daugher came out with a new one tonight.She was looking at a book and said 'can you read this to me , i want to know the story, not read it'.I think i kind of understood what she meant.

Lisa x

[Lucas]

My mom once said to me:

 

"I'm off to work, the washing is hung out on the line, don't let it rain".

 

And just how am I supposed to stop it?

[lil_me]

Thats an absolute corker Lucas, I can just imagine my son's confusion if I ever said anything like that.

 

Someone mentioned one to me that she said to her teenage AS son, she wasn't in a good mood, had a stressful day and he shouted 'Are we going to feed the guinea pigs ?' so she replied 'Bu**er the Guinea Pigs' you can only imagine what horrible thoughts were going through his mind.

 

Also the bit about 'please ring' , my son reads EVERY sign when we are out and would do and has done exactly the same thing in the past.

 

'Put your hands together' also confuses my son who will just sit with his hands together and not clap.

 

Why do people including me say these stupid things? Why on earth don't we say what we mean ? its not these literal thinkers and talkers that are in the wrong its us who don't have the ability to say what we mean correctly every time.

[nightingales]

When our son was about three, I misguidedly told him to 'put that stick down before you hit your brother'...