Feeling frazzled in the mornings

[Kathryn]

Hi all,

 

Help! I'm feeling stressed and would really appreciate some advice. As I've posted in Education my daughter (16) has started a programme at the local college and so far she's enjoying it and is motivated. That's not the problem.

 

The problem is the morning routine - apart from Monday she has found it difficult to wake up and get ready without prompting. She has alays gone to bed late and woken up late and since we have cut down the meds it has affected her sleeping. She won't be rushed and I find myself getting more and more wound up as she goes through all the rituals she has to do at a leisurely pace.

 

They are very flexible at the college and although the official start time is 9.30 she doesn't have to be there at that time - we aim for 10 ish at the moment. I have another child to and take to school - then I have to get back and make sure she's OK and had some breakfast. I'm worried what will happen when we get the taxi - she'll have to be ready for a certain time then, whatever that is. I feel too that I will always have to be here because she just won't be able to get up and ready without me.

 

I remember how it used to be at school when I was shouting at her to get up and ready every five minutes - I can feel myself slipping into old patterns and I know I should be trying to keep things calm. I ended up shouting at her that if she couldn't organise herself she would just not be able to go. We also had an argument about her key - she has to let herself in today and she won't wear it round her neck - I'm worried she will lose it.

 

I know these problems are to be expected as she had not had to get up for anything in a whole year and we are completely out of the habit of the usual morning routine. I have been leaving her to sleep late sometimes and I'm not the most organised person in the mornings either. So how do I help her in the morning without having to do everything for her and without us getting stressed? I have to say that the stress is mostly on my side at the moment - PTSD from the bad old days I expect. How much responsibility should she be taking for getting up and getting out the door on time? Am I expecting too much too soon? What strategies work for you?

 

K

[nellie]

Kathryn,

 

This is something I know will be a problem for my son when he eventually gets back to work, so I have been giving it some thought.

 

The more you can organise for her to do for herself without interaction from you the better. No matter what you say to her will be taken as nagging and will interfere with her thought pattern.

 

Making 'to do' lists, planners, schedules, morning routines etc. so that she simply follows what is laid down without help.

 

Try to get her to organise things the night before, she may have more time and energy then.

 

My eldest son went in a taxi for years and yes he did get stressed if he was late or if the taxi was late. My stress and nagging only made the situation worse, I found it helped to back off and give him space. If the taxi was very late he watched television, this helped settle him.

 

I solved the key problem by putting it on one of those flexi coiled key rings, one end attaches to the bag or coat and the other to the key. The door can be opened without having to detach it.

 

I don't know how you stand back and let her cope in her own way, without becoming stressed and anxious, I guess you will just have to practice more.

I do know, it ain't easy!! If she does get anxious when it all goes wrong then I would try to go with the flow.

 

Would melatonin help to get her body clock back to normal? I had considered it for my son but I do accept he likes to be awake when the world is asleep.....just like his mum!

 

Lastly lots of praise when she gets it right! Give yourself a pat on the back too, you certainly deserve it.

 

Hopefully I will be coming to you for similar advice one day.

 

Good luck, I would love an update.

 

Nellie <'>

[Guest hallyscomet]

hi Kathryn,

 

Have you thought of making her shower in the evening, that always saves time.

 

My daughter is difficult sometimes and I know if the day has been tiring and she gets a late one then the next mornings going to be hell.

 

Perhaps shower before dinner, make it a routine... or before shes allowed to go on the computer or something she loves.

 

Regards

Hailey

[LittleRae]

Hi Kathryn

 

For her key, I wouldn't suggest putting one on a coat or bag as she might lose either of them. There are coiled wrist key rings but they might be uncomfortable.

 

Your best bet might be a retractable keychain which she could attach to her jeans http://www.militarykit.com/products/milita...e_key_chain.htm

 

Hope this helps.

 

A

[nellie]

Kathryn,

 

Yes, I agree about showering/bathing in the evening. Saves masses of time and problems. My son has always followed this routine, it's also relaxing at the end of the day.

 

I like the key idea too.

 

Nellie xx

[bevalee]

Hi Kathryn

 

It sounds like your talking about my son!

 

The more stressed i got, the worse he would get. I just kept my cool in the end and just kept on praising him.

 

I did take quite a while and i still have to check things because he does still forget, plus being back at school does help as well.

 

Lots of <'> <'> <'>

[nellie]

Kathryn,

 

Just remembered...........I used to listen to relaxing music on a walkman when my son was stressed, it helped lower my stress levels and I was less aware of his stress. It helped us both.

 

Nellie xx

[loulou]

Hi Kathryn,

 

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say IT WILL GET BETTER <'> .

 

I can totally relate to your post. Kai has been at his new school for 7 weeks now (after being at home for 18 months). I felt exactly how you did too. We both weren't used to the morning routine and i found it really stressful. I was anxious about how he would be at school, and he is a total NIGHTMARE to get ready in the mornings!

 

One thing you could try (if you don't already), is to ask L to decide what she will be wearing the night before, and then lay the clothes out. I do this for myself, because it's one less thing to worry about when i'm chasing Kai round the house trying to dress him too!

 

It's taken me until this week to relax a bit more in the mornings and i've definately seen that this has a positive effect on Kai too.

 

I'm sure you will both settle into the routine soon.

 

The next hurdle is the taxi thing. I'm DREADING that !

 

 

Loulou x

[hev]

im def going to listen to relaxing music on a walkman when steve gets stressed,he gets stressed then i get stressed,its a vicious circle,thanks nellie

[annie]

Hi Kathryn,

 

I can really relate to this. Alex has never slept well, no organisational skills, no concept of time. His lessons have been deliberately placed at the middle of the day because of his problems, but it is still difficult to get out of the house in time sometimes.

 

I always try to make sure that he has his bath/shower at night, as well as getting anything else ready the night before.

 

Alex seems to think that if his lesson starts at say 12.15, then we don't have to leave the house until 12.10. I have to keep reminding him that it takes 15 minutes (without traffic) to get to the lesson NOT 5 minutes.

 

I know I used to make things worse by hovering by the front door with my keys in my hand, it caused him loads of stress. Now, I always say 5 or 10 minutes before we are due to leave the house, that I will wait in the car. It stops him from getting stressed and me too.....and he does get to leave on time now

 

Annie

<'>

Edited November 10, 2005 by annie

[Kathryn]

Thanks everyone, there are some great ideas here which I'll try. I think I must definitely work on my own stress levels. Thursdays are particularly frenetic as I have to get myself ready for work too.

 

I never thought of those curly or retractable key rings - brilliant idea. Not sure what I'll attach it to as she never wears jeans (too uncomfortable) - only jogging bottoms. It would have to be pinned on somehow.

 

She always has a bath at night anyway as part of her routine, so that's not a problem, but she STILL takes ages brushing her teeth, washing her face and going to the loo. As for clothes - I have gone and bought her 3 pairs of identical black tracksuit bottoms - plus a couple of others, having found a kind that were comfortable - no mean feat.

 

I will try a to do list with times everything has to be completed by. I'm not very good at following routines myself so this kind of stuff doesn't come naturally - I sometimes think I am the last person who should have a child with ASD! My son is completely different: he has his alarm, gets up, dressed and gets his breakfast unprompted. Sometimes he even wakes me if he thinks I have slept too long.

 

When she actually got there, L had a good day. She got to hold and weigh a calf - among other things. Its a far cry from the 3 A levels her former classmates are doing, but she's having a good time. She's very tired tonight so although she still wants to do Fridays she has decided not to go in tomorrow after all, which I think is wise she has done more this week than she has in a year. I'll be grateful for the day off too!

[Kathryn]

Monday morning - still a bit frazzled but we made it without trauma or meltdown! (L was fine too )

 

The transport came at 9.15 and L was ready for it, but it took 2 hours of concentrated effort. We need every second of this time, believe me. She needs half an hour to wake up, then half an hour to put her clothes on, then half an hour to eat breakfast and the last half an hour to brush her hair, put shoes on and do any last minute stuff. Any attempt to rush her results in panic and meltdown and is counterproductive.

 

I didn't even raise my voice, I kept it calm even though the steam was quietly coming from my ears at times!

 

No way could she do the morning routine without me there though, giving her cues and reminders- unless I am doing too much for her and should be standing back a bit? And we only managed so well because my other half dropped my son off at school - he won't normally be able to do this.

 

Sitting down with a good stiff cup of tea now.

 

K

[Suze]

Well done for this morning ,hope the cup of tea helped.Don,t forget to give yourself a pat on the back, sounds like your doing great here, and I,m so pleased she likes college .

[nellie]

Kathryn,

 

Well done you! Your daughter must be exhausted before she even starts her day. Hopefully it will get easier in time.

 

Nellie <'>

[bevalee]

Well done

[barefoot wend]

Well done to you both.

[Kathryn]

Your daughter must be exhausted before she even starts her day. Hopefully it will get easier in time.

That's why I'm glad she's not going in every day, for both our sakes! She has a day off tomorrow, and possibly Fridays as well unless she decides otherwise.

 

She got through today OK and may even go to bed earlier as a result.

 

Thanks again for all your good wishes and support - really appreciated.

 

K

[bid]

Well done...it's tough after being out of things for so long <'>

 

Bid

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Kathryn,

 

Well done...it's tough after being out of things for so long

 

 

I agree, thinking of you <'>

 

Regards

Hailey

[barefoot wend]

Kathryn

 

I can soo picture you trying to stand quietly with steam coming out of your ears.

 

Well done for keeping it all together and glad that L's enjoying it when she's there.

 

Barefoot

[tracey]

Hi Kathryn

Mornings can be such a nightmare!

I really try hard to be carm and chilled which is not easy

It just takes one small thing to go wrong to set things off

teenage years I think bring on so many more problems(perfection etc)

I now try and stand back and let my daughter get on with it as much as

possible and just be there when Im needed, and not to worry too

much about days off school which can sometimes be quite alot.

T