fuming, angry, sad and disappointed

[anxiousmom]

I need to speak to someone before I explode. I can't talk to hubby/parents etc as I get too upset.

 

My 6 year old boy has social issues. I'm the first to admit this and though I protect him a little as he's so naive I don't allow him to do inappropriate things.

 

Anyway a 'freind' (though I can think of a million reasons not to use this term and probably won't for much longer) has been saying how he's been upsetting her son as he follows him about and is always in his face. She claims she's tried talking to her son (as we've all known each other since the boys were babies) and explaining that it's just his way of trying to be freinds. Apparrantly though the boy is claiming he feels 'bullied' and so this old cow (told you the word freind was due for the chop) has asked us to keep our son away from hers as he's making his life a misery.

 

They admit that 1 on 1 they are fine together but in groups it doesn't work.... IT DOESN'T WORK AS HE ALWAYS GETS IGNORED IN A GROUP AND TRIES DESPAREATELY TO JOIN IN!!! He sees a boy he thinks is his freind ignoring him and he can't understand why.... he's so desparate for attention he'll do anything and tries just a bit too hard.

 

They tried to soften the blow by saying that they can still see each other 1 on 1 but in extra curicular activities and at school could he stay away from their son. (oh yeah... how high should I jump again? )

 

.... can you imagine how outraged I am!? (deep breaths deep breaths....) And this is from someone who believes they are my freind..... well they can just go to h***!

 

Am I over reacting?

[bid]

Oh, I'm so sorry <'>

 

It's heart-breaking watching our children being rebuffed

 

Have you explained about AS to your 'friend'??

 

Sending loads of <'> <'> <'>

 

Bid

[mossgrove]

You have every right to be angry and upset.

 

It isn't your job to arrange your sons social activities to suit the needs of your 'friends' NT son. Sadly some people do want other childrens diabailities to be brused under the carpet where they do not impact at all.

 

All you can do is explain to her how angry and upset you are and move on. Increasingly we only socilise with people who can/try to understand which is why we don't socialise with many people.

 

Simon

[anxiousmom]

Yes oh god have I!?

 

At the moment though he's going through a diagnosis and I was told he'd probably only get a 'cupboard' diagnosis of aspergers (basically yes he has lots of the traits but they are 'disabling' enough at the moemnt and he's still young enough that he may grow out of them.... still waiting to read the final report).

 

The husband actually said "yes well we all have things we struggle with".

 

Yeah HE struggles with holding his family together and not being a completely repulsive man, his wife with getting out of her lazy bed in time to drag her spiteful kids to school dressed like she's sleeping rough for weeks and her son with doing anything other than complain about other kids unjustly not doing exactly as he wants......

 

..... this is helping (let it out anxiousmom... let it out )

[anxiousmom]

I spoke to my son and explained how this boy was upset and that he ought to stay away from him. He was heartbroken "I don't do that any more mummy I promise"... and he doesn't lie... doesn't know how to!

 

These are tha same people who when my 2 year old daughter hit her 4 1/2 year old son... told him to hit her back!! If he had I swear I would have decked the mother!

 

Maybe I'll ask this freindless witch to stay away from me... that maybe I'll tolerate her company for a few mins in private but that out and about I'd prefer to ignore her and pretend I don't know her (which isn't too far from the truth!!). I find just having to see her twisted sour old face a form of bullying!

 

narrow minds

 

(of course now you all think I'm psycho!! )

[Kathryn]

Anxiousmom,

 

Have a rant, that's what this forum is here for. <'> <'>

 

It's understandable that you're upset. I think you're right this "friendship" if ever it was one, is best consigned to history. I think approaching you in this way was an error of judgement on her part. If she had an issue with something that was happening at school she could have spoken to a teacher.

 

I'm sorry your son has been hurt by this too.

 

K

[Clarkie]

Just as Kathryn said - we're here to be ranted at and we won't judge you.

 

Quite honestly, personally - with friends like that, who needs enemies.

 

Hold your head up high and keep doing what you're doing - which is being a Mom to the best of your ability. Give the little fella all the love he deserves - and if this other kid doesn't want to play, then that's his loss. Keep ranting on here - we're here to listen.

Clarkie

Edited March 18, 2006 by Clarkie

[loulou]

Hi anxiousmom,

 

Reading your posts really made me .

 

<'> <'> to you and your little man. Bless him, he was only trying to be friendly. It's not like he was physically or verbally hurting the boy.

 

It reminded me of similar playground "incidents" with my son when he was in mainstream school.

 

This woman is not a true friend. She hasn't tried to be understanding at all .

 

I really don't know what the answer is, apart from speaking to the school maybe.

 

Is there another child (with nice parents) who could perhaps buddy up with your son? I know you can't choose thier friends but it may be worth a try?

 

All the best,

 

Loulou x

[elainem]

it is heartbreaking and we have similar experiences. the saddest thing for me is that our ds's twin brother is such a fairweather friend. (twns aged 5). play together beautifully at home but at school ASD twin gets totally sidelined and NT twin play with his NT friends.

 

I find it very difficult trying to balance the needs of both children. in fact I don't think I have yet found a balance.

 

I find I drink a lot of wine and cry a lot (sorry I am being a bit flippant although actually it is failry true )

 

Elaine

[anxiousmom]

Oh yes I've found an increasing wine consumption of late.

 

Thanks all... it really is helping me feel better.

 

I try to recall what I went through at 6... and thankfully it's all a blurr of changing freinds and just getting on with it.... so hopefully the pain I see isn't as bad as I'm thinking.

 

It just eats me away that 6 months ago I helped plan a suprise party for her husband and she thinks it's okay to ask us to keep our son away from hers. Not once has he ever hit him or verbally taunted him. In fact the one kid that truely bullies her son she tolerates as her son wants to be his freind. ( grunt grunt.... just stay calm anxiousmom... she's not worth it... none of them are!!!)

[Malika]

Hi,

 

I feel sorry for you and for your son <'> <'> this is very sad and upsetting, I know all about it as this has happen to us many time when people just listen to you but still refuse to make any practical effort it is a lot to do with selfishness

H was friend with 2 boys and now they don't want to know about him and he cannot understand why, the worse being that we have been family friend for many years, the mother understand but says she cannot force her boys, may be a bit of nice understanding talk would do, but she probably cannot be bother her two are doing so well at school and with their football club ................. Well good luck to them they may need some attention or compassion one day... not sure if I will be there for them????

 

Take care. <'> <'> <'>

 

Malika.

[anxiousmom]

this is exactly how I feel.

 

This other boy had a real hard time at nursery with 2 boys who would run away from him and laugh at him and leave him out. My boy would go in and put him arm around him and say "I'll play with you".

 

I've always ALWAYS made my kids tolerant of others differences. A girl in my sons class has sever problems that makes her the butt of everyones taunts and never invited to parties. She would always come to ours and although his natural reaction was to not want her there I would talk to him about people's problems and acepting others. Anothers freinds younger "problem" son hit mine over the head with a childs golf club once as he wanted him to "stop talking"... she was mortified but I had no ill feeling towards her or her son at all - you support your freinds through these troubles not judge and abandon!

 

I'm not trying to make out I'm a saint (far from it ) but I would never ask a freind to keep their child away from mine just because his problems were irritating my child. I always tell the kids about freindship and families.

 

This boys younger sister annoys him too.... wonder when she's going up for adoption.

 

I so hope I get rid of this anger inside me soon.... it's not healthy.... I'm gonna chop hubbies head off over the toothpaste lid soon I know it!!

[~Jonathan~]

I can still remember being rejected by someone I thought was my friend. I was 12 (I'm 31 now) and I was chatting away to this boy and I thought "yay, my first friend" and almost as if he read my mind he said "I'm talking to you but I'm not your friend" and I just wanted to die, it was as if someone had put a cold rod of steel through the heart of me. Even now when in dark moments, I play over the rebuffs, that being one of them. I don't seem able to move on from the hurts and slights.

[ksasnic]

eesh what a truly horrible selfish ignorant woman... my boy too has been in this situation, I just wish they would stop being so self centred and think how their brats treat others !!! I would be tempted to write her a letter saying exactly what her ignorant attitude is doing.. yes protect your child but not at the cost to another... whatever happened to a friendly oh god I don't quite know how to say this but my child is feeling a bit intimidated by your sons actions toward him what can we do about it.. ??? it seems that this friend isn't a real friend otherwise I doubt she would be so insensitive... maybe shes just using this as an excuse to not be friends with you.. lack of true understanding is incredible.. does she think that AS is catching ??? and as to her husbands attitude... well they deserve each other..

 

Rant away make her an ex friend if needed - I mean is this woman and her attitudes really wanted in your life ? there are so many more people and children more deserving of your attentions than this family..

 

open a bottle of wine slurp a few glasses and give your children a big cuddle.... and wipe her name off your christmas card list...

 

good luck

[Suze]

I think you and your son definiteley don,t need these people in your lives.You won,t miss them, ...............Johnathan , so sorry, I find it hard to forgive or forget, and I think sometimes we should,nt <'> , big hug mate...Suzex.

[anxiousmom]

thanks all for the support. I never knew what it would feel like having to protect your kids.... it's some strong emotion!

 

I'm so torn as what's the best thing to do. It's a small school and inevitably we can't avaoid these people - I don't cope well with enemies and my son still wants any scrap of freindship they'll deign to offer him. Am I being too proud to not take these?.... they don't mind him playing 1 on 1 when they are around?

 

I just can't be bothered and I'm so tired of the heartache.

 

Trapped in this white middle calss village, I have no family support and am 200 miles from a mass of brothers, parents cousins, aunties all in close proximity.... and in the lovely diverse city of Leeds.... I miss it so much. I've really started to wonder if going 'home' would be best. Of course hubby doesn't get this and thinks his job is the be all and end all....

 

..... I'm just so tired from all the thinking and worrying.... still when they cart me off in a straight jacket he can decide if HE can cope without support!!

 

(Mmmm I'm going a little crazy right now....)

[Kathryn]

anxiousmom,

 

Just sending a few of these. <'> <'> <'>

 

I understand how you feel about being in a small village: I'm a city person myself, at heart.

 

Fear of our children being rejected is the hardest thing to bear. My daughter only made two friends throughout junior school. In her final years there, of all the luck, both moved away. She then linked up with a very popular girl who also belonged to anouther gang. The leader of this large group wouldn't let L join, so she would wander round the playground alone. Eventually her "friend" took pity on L. and said she would play with her, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays only. It made me so angry that L was being excluded from this group: the worst thing was that L was really happy and relieved to have even this grudging friendship.

 

I wish I had some advice to offer - just wanted you to know you're not alone and you're not going crazy.

 

K x

Edited November 28, 2005 by Kathryn

[katysmum]

hi anxiousmom

I'm understanding you completley!! I have "friends" like that too, oh and a family too.

My 5 year old was diagnosed 12 months ago with aspergers, and as a result we claimed dla to which a friend of mine retorted she was gonna hit her son on the head "to get a bit of that 2!!!!!

Like somebody else has said with friends like that who needs enemies.

But I have concluded ignorance is bliss. .

One of Katy's stimming behaviours is to lick- people, possessions- anything, it just makes her feel better. She once licked one of my son's friends who recoiled and humilated her for it. She was distraught. Children can be so cruel.

 

Sorry for the rant, feeling a bit stressed- christmas and all of that!

sharon

[lindy-lou]

oh how sad is this post im nearly in tears reading it,my nephew has had this for most of his life too,when all he wants is someone to truly call a friend and my heart breaks for him,and now the fear that my own daughter is going to have to face this in her life too,i too live in a small village where attitudes are very behind the times,although i do have family support and couldnt be without it,anxiousmom im sending you a big <'> coz i know how much your heart is hurting for your boy,how much you want to drum it into your ignorant selfish"friend" that he's only being friendly and how much her son means to him,i would sever the boys contact with your son,i understand that your son wants any scrap of friendship being offered but its an unhealthy friendship and not good for your boy in the long run,i can understand where the little boy is coming from a bit because my nephew is a very in your face person,doesnt understand about invading peoples personal space and gets up to close,and we are forever explainig to him that that upsets people,but the parents should have a bit more tolerance,especially if theyve watched your son grow up,wheres the harm in them explaining to the boy what AS is and how it means he has to look after and protect his friend a bit more,isnt that what teaching children about friendship should be?it could have been solved in a delicate,sensitive manner rather than "keep that boy away",if i were you i would think hard about being where you and your children are going to get the best support,the problems wont go away but having a bit of support makes a world of difference how you cope with it,in the meantime,just give your boy some extra cuddles and give yourself a pat on the back for being such a caring mum <'> <'> <'>

[ceecee]

Sending some of these to you all <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

It must br heartbreaking to watch your kids suffering like this.

 

Fortunately when my daughter was autistic she was only four so I don't think the kids were old enough to realise and also they knew her before she had her autistic encephaltus.

 

 

Some of them would say 'why doesnt R speak any more?'

'doesn't she like me any more, doesn't she want to be my friend?' etc etc

 

Comments like that practically broke my heart but I was determined no one at the playschool was going to see me cry

 

I would wait until I got in doors shut the door and promptly burst into tears.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Dear Anxious Mum,

 

Sending you a few of these <'> <'> <'>

 

Just remember friendships like that are not worth loosing any sleep over, my beautiful boy and I had our share of ignorant people wounding our souls.

 

Forget the b......d's.

 

But remember, when one door closes another one opens. I am sure soon there will be a wonderful caring child that will take to your child and all these horrible feelings will be forgotten.

 

There are children and parents that we have come across that are so kind loving and accepting of our ASD child just keep your mind on these beautiful caring people coming into yours and your childs life. In the mean time tell your son that not all children are nice some are nice all the time and some are hot and cold and purely selfish. He will find someone nice to play with, ask him to look for kids that are on their own as maybe they are looking for a friend too. This worked like a gem with both my children when they had troubles with so called friends. Talk to the teachers and advise them if you feel you child is really having trouble, they are usually really good with matching children up, to support one another

 

Heres a few more of these <'> <'> <'> to you and your beautiful little one.

 

Regards

Hailey

[Paula]

My sister went to one of these kiddies play gym type of things with her two children.Ones aged 6 and the others two.

 

Whilst there she says there was a down syndrome boy who as she put it was acting like a nutter and scareing all the other kids by making noises.

 

I dont know how i contained myself when she calmly and smugley announced that shed approached the mother of this little boy and asked if shed keep him away from her daughters.She then told me thankgod they left as they were spoiling it for us.

 

 

I was ###### lived.I said why couldnt you have explained to youre children that there was nothing to be scared of and explained what was wrong with him and maybe asked his mum his name and told the kids his name.Sorta breaking down boundries type of thing.

 

She just shrugged and said why should i they shouldnt take them to places other kids are gonna be.

 

Thats my sister!!!!!!!!!!!! The auntie of my autistic son.The lady who once said my son was pure evil.

 

Family understanding and support forget it.freinds that dont support or understand you can get rid of and i would.

 

Attitudes of adults influence the kids and its not right.

Edited December 13, 2005 by Paula

[lindy-lou]

aw yeah that is pretty shocking paula,poor kid and his poor parents,they just want to do family things like everyone else does,some people just have no idea or they just dont want to.

[elun1]

Hi I had a very similar thing happen with my autistic little boy at a leisure park near where we live. Sat down with my kids to eat lunch and actually ds2 was managing really well but he does dribble just a bit and also rocks a lot and stims. A family asked me to move him as they'd paid over 20 pounds for their meal and didn't want their kids to have to sit by him. I was in complete shock and I'm very ashamed to say that I left place immediately which in hindsight was wrong but I was so upset. Cried and cried when I got home. I've never experienced such predjudice to my face. Most people are lovely. What hurt most was my other little boy aged 5 asked me why it had happened. I didn't know how to explain it to him at all

Elun x

[~Jonathan~]

It was my birthday yesterday and my extended family came over and they still don't get that I have AS, because I look 'normal' I get all the usual comments. One cousin just kept eyeing me disapprovingly. In the end she said "I don't see why you choose to live as you do, you're 32, you should be out there working, making good money, settled down and driving" and I couldn't be bothered to explain it so said nothing. "I mean there's nothing wrong with you at all" she went on. If she knew how difficult it was to sit there in a room in my house with people I know let alone the thought of going out into the world and attempting to make myself be all the things I'm not just to fit in, she would understand.

[Guest hallyscomet]

I want to give you all a big hug <'> <'>

 

Let it all go. Its been 15 years and I still remember like yesterday how I booked my 3 year old ASD child into a one hour music class for toddlers, they would get to play musical instruments and walk or dance around playing, however, the parents sat in the middle as the children walked around us. My boy didn't know the meaning of walk and so would wire up the other kids to run, he was having the time of his life, but over a period of three weeks I was singled out by the teacher and she asked me to leave my 6 month old daughter in a creche so I could control my son, gosh he wasn't even doing anything wrong not that bad the kids were having a good time together. Anyway this third week I went in with him put my daughter in a creche outside even though there were other babies with their mums in there, my son picked up my umbrella and started dancing around with it like a walking stick, he wasn't waving it around or anything anyhow the teacher and this one particular mum gave me this filthy stare as if to day CANT YOU CONTROL YOU SON, with that I got up took my boy by the hand and gave them both the evil eye and said it is you that has the problem. I slammed the door, took my daughter from the creche, we went into the community service to see the nurse I said I need your help I need to talk to someone, she got the children and gave them to the assistant and she looked after them, I just cried and cried told her I had just moved interstate all my family were interstate I had no one to talk to and this was me trying to do the right thing for my children and this was how they treated me and my boy it was sooooo unfair.

 

I still remember it like yesterday and its now been 15 years. We will come across twits like this, they are truly a waste of space and reading your stories I know many people hear have had some terrible things sid and done to them too. Thank God for this website, because I only found these websites six months ago and truly I thought I was the only one feeling isolated by society. Well we are isolated no more as you will find here there are a lot of us reaching out for an understanding ear and a place to vent and always know some kind person would have been through the exact same thing. We are not alone, no longer isolated.

 

Let those people go.... they have to live with themselves, one day they will realise what a ###### up they are, take a deep breath and feel the support here its wonderful.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Hailey

[Guest hallyscomet]

Jonathon,

 

My son is 18 and he feels the same way as you, let those comments wash over you I have a niece that just finished a Psychology degree and had the cheek to ring me and tell me to take responsibility for my life as she felt i wasn't pushing my son enough.

 

My sons doctor just laughed when he heard that and said this is so common of these people they complete a degree and think they know everything.

 

His advice to my son was whatever makes your son happy let him do it. Academics may not be for him at the moment or in the future but encourage him to do a course in anything he has a passion for or interest, and that is obviously computers, so he said there is always homeschool as my boy hates the class environment, becomes too anxious.

 

So Jonathan <'> <'> keep coming here you will find a lot of support here and a lot of people experiencing your ups and downs as for this know it all shes the goose, and guess what, the so called smart ass niece who I told to stay out of our lives, she is the one having counselling. She is a problem in herself, to herself, verbal diarreah.

 

You have a good day and go and do what it is that you enjoy go to the local college and speak to the disabilities careers counsellor or ring them, my son loves them, they are really helping him find HIS path. A lot of people shy away not realising how helpful they are, they may even have your condition as well, so know all about your world

 

Regards

Hailey

[~Jonathan~]

Thanks guys, you are truly marvellous <'>

 

I will keep coming back because I like it here

 

You're more of a family to me than those with which I share some blood ties <'>

 

Thank you

[Malika]

Hi Jonathan,

 

You're more of a family to me than those with which I share some blood ties

 

You are right Jonathan and this happen all the time, and it seems as well that Family members think they have more right to interfere negatively instead of being supportive, if anything it should be their duty

I hope you won't let this get you down at least you have made your effort and this is truly amazing, don't worry about the ""bla bla too many words " as my son describe it. may be one day she will understand her mistake if not good luck to her.

 

Take care. <'>

 

Malika.

[~Jonathan~]

Thank you Malika <'>