punched hole in my door

[hev]

last night because i wouldnt let steve turn the tele over he went upstairs and punched a hole in one of my bedroom doors,hes not even bothered that he done this,i put him to bed early,he still wouldnt shut his horrible mouth up,i know hes got aspergers i know they let out their emotions on the people they feel safe with but i cannot stand living with him sometimes,i think he is spoilt rotten,due to me i know but i looked at my 2 year old crying in the bed and i wished he didnt live here any more,obviously the tablets arent working,cahms have been useless,im going to make an emergency appt with them on monday,no point really but what else can i do?

 

all the time things are going steves way he is brilliant,he is 12 and he spat right in my face last night,i really do not know how i didnt hit him,no doubt i will be okay later but hes walking around as cocky as ever,talking to me like dirt,sorry to moan and moan butive had enough of this s*** life sometimes

[reuby2]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

You are having a horrible time, I know how you feel sometimes, especially about the "spoilt " bit.

My son is 7 and ASD and if he is spitting or kicking we still have to punish him with time-out or whatever , but minutes later he can still be the same. I know that our kids have problems but there is still a limit to what we can excuse.Was your son concerned when he was sent to bed or didn't it bother him?

 

I haven't got anything to suggest but I'm thinking of you and sending <'> <'> <'> <'>

[hev]

when i sent him to bed he just sat on the bed shouting and calling his stepdad a wimp and worse,he did stay in the room but it took a lot of shouting from me,i do not know how to restrain him,he is massive,its just a matter of waiting for him to calm down,he rules this house really if im honest

[reuby2]

Can I whisper this?Cos I don't want everyone knowing, but......my son rules this house too and he's only 7!!!

 

I'm trying to get some power back, but life is so exhausting sometimes to just do "normal" family things.

 

 

 

You say in a different posting that your son has been fighting at school and was saying how "hard" he is etc.Is it possible that he has been bullied? It sounds like he needs to be taught different ways of dealing with his anger (i'm trying to teach my son this.) I know anger management has been mentioned on a posting recently and it can only be a good thing to recognise anger and find a different way of dealing with it.Are you getting any support as a family from anywhere? Autistic Outreach etc?

 

 

I really hope things calm down for you all. <'>

 

 

P.s Is it possible that he might be acting like this on purpose to get away from school?

[sue45]

Hi Hev,

 

Sorry things are so bad at the moment for you and your family. I can empathise as my daughter whose 13 and AS rules my house if I'm honest - there's just the two of us so in one way I'm lucky that there's no-one else to consider but on the other hand, i really find it difficult not to lose MY temper sometimes as everything has to go how she wants it - including what we watch on the TV. I know that if I want her to change channe; it'll take at least as long as the programme i want to watch for her to calom down and that the fight will be exhausting and must admit it quite often makes me think twice about trying because it's easier to let her have her way. Having said that, I do try - I know she's got AS but some sense of understanding other people have needs has to be learned if she's to get on socially. She's not so bad outside the home so i think she does understand the concept but it's extremely difficult to live with.

 

All the best - I hope someone else will be able to give you some practical advice and I'll be picking up tips myself if they do! Oh, and another thing, I don't think there's a single door in our flat that hasn't had the bottom kicked out of it or got a hole in it!

 

Keep you chin up and here's a BIG hug.

 

Sue

 

xx

[loulou]

Hi Hev,

 

I really don't know what to say, you poor thing <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> . It's makes you feel so awful when their behaviour is so bad, because you just don't know what to do about it, and no-one helps.

 

I have to admit last week Kai was so bad, i walked off and left him during a huge meltdown at the train station. He was calling out "You stupid f****r!" really loud. I felt like driving home and leaving him there . Thankfully i didn't.

 

I think you should definately look into the bullying issue as Rueby said. Maybe it's a cry for help?

 

Thinking of you honey.

 

Loulou x

 

ps One other thing, how long has he been on his current meds? Could it be a side effect?

Edited January 15, 2006 by loulou

[lindy-lou]

hope things get a bit better for you soon hev <'>

[hev]

thanks for your replies,i do not think hes being bullied at school as he has always been like this and it only ever happens when he has his own way.

ive calmed down now and what i would like to know is if one of your children has a meltdown and breaks things do you make them pay for the damage?steven gets ?5 a week pocket money and im going to make him pay for a new door out of that,hes not happy at all about it but what else can i do?

[oracle]

I have a friend who sorted the problem of the bedroom door by taking it off all on her own single handedly as she is a single parent It worked. She would not back down and replace the door until her son stopped abusing the door. RESPECT. I don't know if I could do this because if there is no door then that means they are free to cause havoc all over the house while in meltdown mode.

 

Hev <'> This is no consolation to you but what is happening in your home is almost certainly being influenced by Steves age. Been here done it worn the T shirt and YES they do rule the roost but only if you let them. It took us a few years to really regain control but regain it we did.

 

Your daughter does not deserve to live in fear and so for her sake you have to try and stamp your authority here before it does leave your control altogether. When it reaches that point it is too scary for words. Believe me I know because it happened to us.

 

Have you ever watched Super Nanny? Now I am not stupid enough to think that Super Nanny could come into our house and work her magic like she does on TV - BUT - there are aspects that have worked for us. Not only that Matthew is glued to the TV set while this programme is on, yes I know he is only 8, but he can often see himself in the behaviour of the children and says so. When he does spot the behaviour then he is very keen to hear what Super Nanny has to say. He also spots our bad parenting in the parents - I do myself - and we now use bits of this programme to try and improve things in our house. What 'I' personally like about Super Nanny is the way she always appears to be in control and never gives in. I was told years ago only to fight the battles with my two that were important. To decided what the important battles were and then under no circumstances do you give in. Granted it all gets a great deal worse before it gets better but once they know that no matter what you are not going to give in - then I have found it can and does work.

 

Is there a battle you could chose to test the water here?

 

Carole

[lorryw]

Hi Hev,

I totally agree with Carole. Ive also been there and worn the tshirt.

My son suddenly turned from an affable easy going little boy into a replica of the Tasmanian devil at the age of 13. We were totally unprepared and had no one to turn to for advice. He is non verbal which makes things a little harder but I clearly remember suddenly thinking , Hold on, Im the adult here and Im not going to be dictated to by a 13 year old.

It wasnt easy and we still have blips but I feel that he was glad we stepped in to take control for him. I wouldnt dream of telling you how to raise your own child, you know him best. We set boundaries that he was never allowed to cross, no matter how much he protested and battled with us. We always had to be seen to win and it made life easier for him. Sometimes we make so many adjustments and compromises because of ASD that its easy to lose sight of the child. This is starting to sound like a sermon, sorry just my experiences and I wish you the very best.

Love Lorainexxx

[lainey]

i felt really sad when i read your message because i have felt like that a thousand times and hes just 6 and the older he gets the worse ha gets but when hes calmed down hes so lovely then i feel guilty for feeling that way so most of us are in the same boat keep your chin up

[UltraMum]

Hev <'> <'> <'>

 

Would your son respond well to you trying to talk it over in his calmer moments about how he acts and how it makes you feel? I know this won't work for everyone, and often when they lose it they still don't necessarily remember what they've learnt ... just a thought.

[asereht]

Hev, been there done that visit it again sometimes and he is going on 15.

 

No advice to give,just these <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Theresa

[curra]

Hi Hev,

my weekend was very similar with my son bashing and kicking a door. He had no reason at all to get into a fit of anger, it just happened. First he locked me in the bathroom and would not let me come out (he's 12 and very strong). He said (after he calmed down) that he suddenly was so angry he couldn't control himself. As a result he had the computer removed for the whole day which meant another meltdown that lasted for 3 hours because he couldn't understand that he was still punished although he said he was sorry. Whatever it takes, he doesn't rule the roost, even though the cost in stress is high for me as a lone parent. I have used money with him to take responsibility and it works to a certain extent, but also asking him to compensate for damages by helping me with something at home. This worked well today with him. He wanted the PC so badly that he helped me in the kitchen and that's something he had never done before. Hope things get better for you. <'> <'>

Curra

[Paula]

My son rules our house also.

 

Have i been too soft yea if im honest i have.Hes brilliant as long as hes getting all his own way but god help us if things dont go as he plans.My son is 12 and almsot as tall as me hes strong also and yea im frightened that if I dont back down hell turn on me so i always back down.

 

 

Im dreading the teenage AS years.Ive told my husband hell have to take charg if it all kicks of because im just not physically strong enough.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

 

We love them deep inside its just hard at times trying to remember this.We aint angels were just normal mums and dads whove been given an extraoridinary job.To top it all with no pay and no bloomeing thanks.

[tracey]

My daughter has totally wrecked her bedroom door (brand new) I am now trying to get my house

ready to sell and wondering whether its worth replacing her door or will it happen again???

what gets me is my daughter can behave so awful and drive me insane but as soon as shes out of my sight

I worry about her as she can be so vunerable and other teenagers can be such spitefull little........

T

[Kathryn]

ive calmed down now and what i would like to know is if one of your children has a meltdown and breaks things do you make them pay for the damage?steven gets ?5 a week pocket money and im going to make him pay for a new door out of that,hes not happy at all about it but what else can i do?

 

I think it's important for children to learn natural consequences: ie if they break something it has to be repaired and that costs money - that's life. The loss of pocket money would not have had an impact on my daughter when she was going through a phase of throwing things around - (mainly papers, books and CD's so not quite as serious). But it might help your son to see the effects of his behaviour, if pocket money is something he cares about.

 

I hope things get better for you and that your son get the support of the school and other professionals in helping him to learn ways of dealing with his extreme feelings.

 

K x

[hev]

phoned up the housing association im with today and explained what had happened with the door,i was willing to pay for it myself but apparently they have a welfare fund and they will replace it so thats good,im wondering now though as theres nothing to pay i cant really take his pocket money,i feel ive got to be seen to be doing something though as we have already agreed on this,what do you think?its tempting to forget about it but i think thats where a lot of our problems lie as im not consistant when i say things and he gets away with a lot

[Guest flutter]

if u have said u are taking the money off him, i think u needs to

we are loosing doors rapidly too so i know where u coming from <'>

[oracle]

Steve does not need to know that you are not paying for the door and I would not tell him. Let him think that you 'have' paid for a new door and he is now paying you back. You can always save the money and use it as a reward for when he does something nice. It is really important to praise even the smallest of things. It certainly works for us.

 

Carole