Millymay Report post Posted February 22, 2006 I am been driven mad by the way ds (7) is talking to me at the moment and I really don't know how to deal with it anymore. This morning caught him playing gamecube when he was supposed to be getting dressed so switched it off, to get told "you haven't switched the damn light off it yet", I ended up shouting never to talk to me like that again, which of course ended in meltdown hysteria. Ask him to do anything and its "hello, what does it look like im doing?" said in most sarcastic voice imaginable. I know I should be talking in calm quiet voice but he just doesn't listen and totally switches off, really feel like a bad parent at the moment for not dealing with it properly, but its like theres this brick wall between us with just a faint glimmer sometimes and most of the time i'm banging my head against it, sorry for rambling on, just feeling pretty useless today! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressed out mum Report post Posted February 22, 2006 Hi Millymay "hello, what does it look like im doing?" Oh do I know that one well! My son went through this phase, come to think of it I haven't heard it lately. Maybe it is something they pick up from school? I was told by my older h/t brother to stay calm, sit down and talk to him (even if he will be late for school) and explain why it is not nice to speak to you like that. Must have worked then without me noticing. When you think about it we are all in too much of a hurry in today's society. We all have days when we feel useless it's hard being a parent, Do you know anyone who ALWAYS gets it right ALL of the time? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted February 22, 2006 hello i think we all know how you feel on here,i also find it extremely hard to stay calm although i know that when i lose my temper it all gets worse but i cannot stand to be spoken to like it,i am getting a bit calmer with him but ive got a long way to go yet!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jb1964 Report post Posted February 22, 2006 I know I should be talking in calm quiet voice but he just doesn't listen and totally switches off, really feel like a bad parent at the moment for not dealing with it properly, but its like theres this brick wall between us with just a faint glimmer sometimes and most of the time i'm banging my head against it, sorry for rambling on, just feeling pretty useless today! Millymay, I think most people feel like this on and off. There are days when I think I cope really well and stay calm and other days when I can feel myself starting to shout/scream or cry at her behaviour at the drop of a hat - after all we're only human.. Take care, Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted February 22, 2006 I would sit down and talk to your child when they come home from school. I say the way you spoke to me this morning made me feel very sad and I do not like feeling sad. I ask my child if they would like me to speak to them the same way as they spoke to me. I would also remove the Gamecube to make a point of the fact that you were not happy. My psychatrist advise me to speak to the child like this and ask them what there punishment should be. It amazing because the punishment they choose is far more severe than the punishment I would give them. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paula Report post Posted February 22, 2006 <'> <'> Weve all been there. My As son calls me some horrendous names,cheeks me and swears at me at times also.He also says he hates me calls me fat ect ect you name it ive had it chucked my way. Most days its like water of a ducks back they dont mean it and are often just repeating parrot like a phrase heard from the tv used in a similar context. But some days i loose me rag,and let rip.I yell shout swear say why do yer put me through this when evry thing i do is for ###### you !!!!!!!!!!!! It does no good though he just meltdowns i start crying and hes forgotten what its all about. We aint angles were human.So what if we loose it now and againe doesnt realy matter when we know we love them deep down and 99% time were calm and the picture perfect mum. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Millymay Report post Posted February 22, 2006 Thanks, at least i'm not the only one that fears for their sanity at times! Did try and talk to him tonight about the way he speaks to me, but he was just squirming to get away and tried to change the subject to Star wars! I think i've almost got into the mindset of thinking shoutings the only way to make him listen, though I know it's not, but i guess everyone goes through the same, i'll try deep breathing next time! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BusyLizzie100 Report post Posted February 22, 2006 I don't think anyone can be a perfect parent - even those 'perfect' parents that we see at the school gates have probably all got issues of some sort, however minor. I read once that the important thing is to be a 'good enough' parent, ie we love them, we care for them, we provide for them, and we do everything we can to be good enough for them, but perfection is something very difficult (impossible!) to strive for, so we should recognise that and be proud of what we do achieve. By the way, I'm far from perfect and my kids tell me they hate me frequently. Coming home from school today my six-year-old said he was going to kill me because I said we had to pick up his little brother on the way home. A little harsh, I thought. But it does hurt sometimes, particularly when they get you at a vulnerable or a busy time. It can wear you down, too. I think the fact that we are all on this forum shows that we are doing our best for our kids, and are therefore 'good enough'. And this forum is an excellent way to let off steam! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av16 Report post Posted February 22, 2006 Hi, I'm new to all of this. My 8 yr old son has been excluded from school twice (just a couple of days), we are going back to the paediatrician/psychiatrist next weds. for the results of assessment. His case also goes to panel tomorrow for statutory assessment. He displays classic ASD behaviour and I believe has since birth. Staying calm is something I aspire to, I try to remain calm and explain but as previous replies say we're all human. I'm also a teacher and have a child in my class who also displays classic ASD behaviours and is at the same stage as my son (but without the exclusions) so I feel like I never get a break from thinking if I say this what's the reaction going to be! Sorry for going on a bit but I can see I'm going to be using this forum alot. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted February 23, 2006 Millimay, what you describe sounds very familiar to me too! When my son was 7 - 9 he came out with very cheeky remarks even at times when no one was asking him to do anything. He could say in an angry voice "What part of .... (any word) don't you understand?" - or "Leave me alone! I hate you!" and cover his ears and scream. Or he would try to push me down the stairs, throw objects at me and other naughty things. Staying calm was very hard because I felt he was being deliberately offensive and aggressive and that I had to react. It took me a long time to see that he repeated phrases and conducts that he had heard/seen at school or on TV and that he didn't really mean to offend. Talking calmly with him is the best thing to do and if at the moment you can't be calm, then it's better to stay silent and just tell him that you will talk later about it . AS children imitate behaviours a lot so from the way you react he'll get a model, and it's a distorted model. IN my case it was no use trying to explain to my son that he could not threaten or "punish" me if he was frustrated or couldn't get what he wanted, because I'm the mother and he's the son, he just wouldn't see it that way. He would say, "Everyone is like this at school". Now at 12, he still finds it difficult, but it has become easier to talk to him than when he was younger. I have agreed a system with him of 2 warnings and a punishment (staying without the computer for a certain amount of time) and it's working most of the time - so far (touch wood...). If he doesn't "agree", you just have to be firm and say that there must be a house rule so that everyone is happy at home and stick to it. There are times when it's clear that he wants to be offensive on purpose (teenage rebellion...) and then I try to make him see that at a later moment when we can sit to talk calmly, while at the same time trying to understand why he did it. It's not easy, and it doesn't get any easier as they grow up! Av16, welcome to the forum! You'll find lots of help and support here! <'> I'm also a teacher (in training) and I know what you mean about the students. Try to keep them separate from your son in your thoughts even though it's not easy if they are showing similar behaviours. I hope the consultants can help with counselling, medications or some good idea. Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted February 23, 2006 BTW, I'm far from being a perfect mum.I blow up too at times especially when he pushes me to the limit, to see how far he can go . I think that the main thing is that even if there is a war, that peace is made afterwards, and that they see that parents are also humans... Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarerQuie Report post Posted February 23, 2006 I have a friend whose tack is to repeat what her son has just said and then an alternative way of saying what they said; eg. 'you haven't switched the damn light off it yet',OR 'please make sure the light is switched off'. She then asks him which is the most appropriate statement.She says that he is slowly getting it.xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
