New and worried

[essexgirl]

Preschool took us aside the other day to say my 3 year old was quiet at preschool and doesn't really socialise much. Total news to us! At home he doesn't shut up! He's always asking questions and is very affectionate. The only worry we had was the fact he bosses his brother about a bit but after a chat and cuddle he's fine, we just put it down to being a typical Leo. He's a very happy boy, and has a great imagination. Can see creatures in clouds and does alot of roleplay with his brother.

He did talk a little later but we thought it was because his brother his exceptionally advanced and that we were unfairly comparing them.

I'm all scared now, he does seem to have a few of the aspergers traits...but only in big groups. He is capable of playing with someone if they are an older child..just not his own age. He also has a funny sense of humour, likes to give the wrong answers to things (saying a cow goes woof for example) and laughs. He seems to not let on just how much he knows too. He can count..but preschool don't know this. He tells me other children are boring and it's babyschool.

I've tried so hard to do everything perfectly, breastfed, unvaxed and they never eat rubbish. Everyone's going to blame me if he has something wrong. The only thing i've not done is take him out much to groups or other Mums homes as where I live there is no such opportunity. He only knows family. It's like no matter how hard I try i still get it wrong.

Only person who won't blame me is my mother in law as she said before he was born he was indigo and i'll expect she'll put it down to that.

Do you have any advice..anything I can do to undo this?

[OPooh]

<'> <'> <'>

 

Oh hun don't blame yourself in any shape or form whether it is asperger's or not. Hope you can get some answers soon.

 

Welcome to the community.

[nellie]

Hi Essexgirl and a warm welcome to the forum,

 

It must have come as quite a shock when preschool mentioned this problem. I can understand the feeling of thinking everything is your fault but I bet my bottom dollar it's not! No one on here can tell you what the problem is or even if there is a problem but it's a great place for support and information and we will help you in any way we can.

 

Reading some of the many postings on here is the best way forward, you may or may not relate to some of the 'differences' that children with autistic spectrum disorders display. It's also a great place for off loading your fears, having a moan or a shoulder to cry on. You may even find some of our wacky humour brings a smile to your face.

 

This pdf booklet explains ASD. Hope it helps.

 

All About Autistic Spectrum Disorders

http://www.learningdisabilities.org.uk/htm...bout_autism.pdf

 

Nellie xx

[essexgirl]

Thanks for the lovely welcome!

It was a shock..we don't really know other children and we just thought of him as different to his brother as everyone is unique. We knew he was a bit stubborn but he's not hard work really like I presumed children with behavioural problem were..if that makes sense! I don't want him having a label. I just saw his personality as having benefits later..if you are a bit bossy and stubborn you get things done, help change things in the world. Look at Bob Geldof for a start!

It's also kind of frustrating that it appears other people don't see the same (funny and loving) boy we do. He behaves so differently at home or with family. They'd never told us of any concerns at school before. I think they were just waiting for him to settle down a bit before saying anything.

[Ohforaquietlife]

Hi

 

It's a horrible time when it first dawns on you that the child you have is not the one you expected and everyone here will know that feeling. It will also take a very long time to get used to the fact that your child is different - a formal diagnosis is often a relief but probably only the start of an eventful journey - but whatever the outcome YOU MUST NOT BLAME YOURSELF or allow anyone else to - and some (ignorant people) will try. No one knows what triggers ASD in a child but one thing is certain, IT WAS NOT YOU.

 

Like everyone else says, welcome to our world you're amongst friends here. And don't forget that even if they do slap a label on him, that is not the sum of who he is. He is still all the wonderful things he shows to you. That label may also prove useful at a later date and become his ticket to help if he needs it so it's not all bad.

Edited March 4, 2006 by ohforaquietlife!

[oracle]

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing - especially in the wrong hands. Maybe there are concerns about your son but from what you have written about your son ASD does not jump out at me personally. We are not all social butterflies but that does not mean that everyone who does not jump into social situations with both feet have ASD. If you are concerned then I would go and see someone who has a greater knowledge than pre-school.

 

I sense your worry and wonder if it has anything to do with your MIL and her thoughts that your son would be an Indigo child - I wonder why she thought this? Did she tell you why?

 

Even if it is ASD then that does not mean that there is anything 'wrong' with your son. We don't all have to be perfect to make a contribution to this world. I would not want to undo either of my two sons.

 

Welcome to the forum it's a wonderful place.

 

Carole

[Ohforaquietlife]

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing - especially in the wrong hands. If you are concerned then I would go and see someone who has a greater knowledge than pre-school.

 

.............her thoughts that your son would be an Indigo child

 

Even if it is ASD then that does not mean that there is anything 'wrong' with your son. We don't all have to be perfect to make a contribution to this world.

 

Welcome to the forum it's a wonderful place.

 

Carole

 

Yes I wholeheartedly agree with Carole. Seek the advice of someone who is an expert in such matters. My Health Visitor once told me that whatever the 'problem' was with my son, he was NOT autistic. Years later, here we are

 

Oh and forgive my ignorance but what exactly is an 'Indigo child'?

 

ohf!

[ceecee]

My son could be said to be like your son from the few things you have said.He is not the outgoing person my daughter is.Does that mean he has a.s.? No of course not.

 

I agree with what has all ready been said in that we are not all social butterflies.But doesn't mean we all have a.s.

 

There may be a problem but there might not be.It could be he has for example a.s. tendancies and that is as much as it is or equally it could be more.try to keep an open mind and try not to panic at this stage. <'> <'> <'> Easier said than done i know.

 

Try to bear in mind as well even if he does have a problem he is still your little boy and the same one you have always had.

 

Take care and best wishes.

 

keep us informed hope you get some answers

[phasmid]

Hi Essexgirl, if your son does have AS this is the place to get support. It may not be the case though, but the pre-school have done the right thing in raising their concerns with you. Did they suggest any form of follow-up to you? If so, what was it? If they didn't then perhaps you need to speak to your GP and ask him to make a referal to a specialist who can look into things further. Don't blame yourself whatever the problems he may or may not have they are not anyone's 'fault', it's just the way it goes sometimes.

 

Go see your gp, if only to put your mind at rest. In the meantime welcome to the forum.

[on the edge]

I think my whole family have many ASD traits but are not really on the spectrum and they are all very interesting and fabulous characters (all in happy relationships and with kids etc) I think what you want for your kid is for them to be happy and fulfilled in life and regardless of any specific diagnosis it sounds as if your son is a very cool character with a great personality. He will find his own friends who relate to him. If he hasn't had much experience of groups it is bound to be daunting for him..Your son sounds wonderful!

 

Are you from Essex??

[jen]

Hi Essexgirl,

 

You need to ask the school what they are going to do to help with your childs difficulties. Go to your GP explain the concerns of the school and your worries and ask for a referral.

 

Then take one step at a time and enjoy your child. Its not so bad to be different there are many ups and downs. But diagnosis can give you a path way to follow.

Welcome to the world of people being different.

 

 

 

Jen

[katkin]

Pre-school will have access to an area senco who will have that preschool under her jurisdiction. They can ring her and ask her to come in. (and they are not all bad!!) She will come in and observe the child in the setting and talk to his keyworker and other staff. She can then make recommendations. The Portage service in your area may run a Portage Plus or Portage Outreach which will support the preschool in ways to help your son develop (if indeed he needs them) it may be that he doesn't in which case she/he can point that out too. She can see the IEPS and playplans the setting should have which will show the senco exactly what they have been doing to support your son. Why not ask the setting if you can see them too? The senco can also help the preschool apply for additional funding to support your son as well - this is not an inconsiderable amount per session. Hope this helps a bit. This is a good forum with lots of different people in very different situations so you can always be sure of good advice or an ear to rant into or a shoulder to cry on ! Love Kat

[essexgirl]

Thanks for the advice, observing him at preschool is what worries me. He is not himself there..worried they'll think he is stupid. He just needs time to get to know somebody properly before he can be himself!

I really don't understand how he can be so different away from me. He's not like it when he stays with family overnight or anything either.

I also know what my Mum will be like, she still had a go at me for things I did as a 4 year old. I'm never good enough no matter what I do and this will be one more thing for her to moan about me with. She will blame me for sure! Which upsets me as I've tried my best.

Preschool just said ask the HV when he has his 3 1/2 year check and they are going to give him more sessions to get him used to it. They go school really early here (he'll be barely 4) so that worries me too.

I wish they'd not said anything though, I had no worries beforehand. I knew he was a little wary of joining in really noisy groups but thought that was entirely normal and he'd be fine once he started school. He loosens up eventually, normally when it's time to go home!

Edited March 4, 2006 by essexgirl

[katkin]

Sorry Essexgirl but one thing bothers me - if preschool are worried about your small one how will more sessions help him to cope if, as they feel, he is not coping at the moment? Do not allow yourself to be bludgeoned into agreeing to something you in your heart know is wrong for your boy. Your gut instincts about him will be far more accurate than any "professional's" observations. Perhaps you could make a note or diary as to how your son reacts and behaves with you in situations - shopping, grandma's,family dos and things like that - it will help everybody working with your son to have that broader picture of him.

Never, ever ever allow yourself or anybody to suggest that your son is stupid. Nobody - no matter what their impairment (and I have worked with what would be considered to be severly impaired) is ever stupid. Sorry it really annoys me when people say that.

Finally - is your mum and mine related?? Seems to be a mum thing. Of course I will never be like that myself.......

Take care, love Kat

[phasmid]

The pre-school had no option in this matter really. Under the Special Educational Needs Code of Practice they must tell parents as soon as they have any reason to believe that a child may have SEN. They were simply doing their job here. If they are right (and please remember that at this stage that is a pretty big if) then they have done exactly the right thing. The earlier problems are spotted and dealt with the better it is for all concerned.

 

I am sure they will not think he is stupid. The suggestion about the HV is not a bad one as such depending on how long this means you have to wait. I would stillsuggest you contact your gp, or come to that, phone your HV and ask the to see you to talk about the pre-schools thoughts. Whatever problem your little man may or may not have is open to speculation right now. If he does turn out to have an ASD it WILL NOT be due to anything you have done (or not done!). ASDs don't work like that. But we can help you tackle that one if the time comes.

[essexgirl]

I think the reason why they want to add more sessions is because of starting full time school in september. Such a big jump from a couple of morning, 6 weeks off and then all day everyday.

After a few weeks of preschool he gets more settled and happier about going. Then we get half term or a holiday and he is back to how he started.

Apparently he's perfectly good, seems happy and does as he is told. Just doesn't really join in with other children much. but he can do this at home with his brother and any older children who come round.

He just tells me children his age are boring.

[jen]

If your child is showing signs of difficulties now, then having more sessions will not help your son. Do not wait and speak to the HV. Some HV are very good but you need to start the ball rolling, everything takes several months. So a referal now will be seen in four months or more.

 

PLEASE PLEASE ASK FOR A REFERAL AND SEEK SPECIALIST HELP THEY HAVE THE EXPERIENCE.

 

My child is so different at home just like your son. I can see so many things in my son that you have described in your son. My son is bright but at school he did not speak, he did not want to work he had difficulties socialising.

 

I would not say anything to your mother until you have seen a specialist, so you do not have to deal with extra problems

 

Jen

[tmf]

Hi Essexgirl

 

I think you are lucky enough to have a preschool who understands/can notice signs of sen. My sons preschool were useless they had absolutely no idea on sen. In fact if it wasn't for my ds starting a stutter and being refered by my HV i would never have known about his AS until a much later date. He was dx at 5, which is quite early compared to a lot in this area.

 

The emotions you are feeling is quite normal, i cried my eyes out blaming myself for not going to parent and child mornings ect ect. The consultant was so nice and really got it through to me that it WAS NOT my fault, there was absolutely nothing i could do to prevent it. AS is hereditry. As for your mother, you are a woman in your own right and she has no right to put you down like that, you know in your heart you have done your best for your little lad and as a result have a fun loving healthy little boy as a result! There are some people in this world who just doesn't understand these 'labels' and my mum is one of them! In fact the way you describe your mum is my mum to a t so i sympathise with you there, i wish i could just tell my mum 'up yours' but i can't coz of how little she makes me feel!

 

All i can advise is to go and see your HV, she is the one who will put you in touch with the consultants, but be warned waiting lists can be lengthy. The GP is useless (well here anyway) as they tell you to go and see the HV anyway. They can also arrange for the senco to go to the preschool. The senco is there for you as much as they are the preschool. They give advise on how to deal and work with little one so he can work to his best ability. Don't be affraid.

 

Personally, he doesn't appear to have any as traits, he seems quite the opposite of how my son is and he has AS. He sounds more like my nt dd who is the same age as your ds. I know my dd does not have AS, i just know she is shy around people she doesn't know that well.

 

Good luck with everything, and just remember when you feel like you need to let it out good or bad, this is the place to be as we all can understand!

 

Sending you big <'> <'> <'>

keep your chin up

 

tmf

xx

[oracle]

The pre-school certainly did the right thing. They should all be as vigilant. But now it's time to ask the experts and those who should know more about ASD. Better to rule it out than find out later that they should have ruled it in.

 

Hope that makes sense?

 

Carole

[essexgirl]

Thanks all. I emailed my HV and told preschool. They said they are helping more with socialising. Especially since I told them about one boy in his class I occasionally have babysat and they've got on well then. I think they are going to try and pair them up more!

 

One more thing - might be totally unrelated but recently he has become more fussy with his food (never used be, we thought he was just exercising his right to choose) and seems rather oddly attracted to bread, cheese and sausages! Wanting bread dry even. Rather pestering about being hungry. He recently had worms and has grown an awful lot in the last couple of months so thought it was that. However the worms have cleared up now. He is cows milk intolerant anyway (causes eczema) as am I - I have IBD.

Could this be related at all?