Adults v Peers

[Stephanie]

Why do ASD children often relate to adults better than children of their own age?

 

I noticed my son's very different behaviour with children at a party yesterday (invading their personal space, talking nonsense to them etc, some aggressive behaviour) which I haven't seen before. I think some of it was stimming behaviour due to the environment.

 

When he is with adults or older children (12+), he relates a lot better, talking appropriately, no aggression, completely different.

 

What's it all about, can anyone tell me?

[yoyo]

Why do ASD children often relate to adults better than children of their own age?

 

I always related better to adults than my peers and I still prefer speaking to people who are older than those of my own age. My peers were always so nasty to me whereas adults did not notice my faults or made allowances. They also seemed to be more interested in my serious outlook on life.

 

Yoyo

[mossgrove]

One of the reasons is that children with their peers compare themselves too each other and are often conciouly or sub-conciously competetive with 'group norms' that a child with an ASD may not fully understand or even be aware of. . These comparisons don't exist when there is a sizeable gap in ages. An adult may also be more willing to make allowances for unconventional/unexpected behaviour iin the way that a peer group may not.

 

Simon

[TheNeil]

This is just a thought off of the top of my head but could it be a way to avoid 'peer pressure'? With a younger/older group, the need to 'comply' may not be as strong and (maybe subsconsciously) there are less 'expectations' associated with older/younger groups - being a different group, they will have different ideas etc. but they may, as Simon says, be more willing to accept 'alternative' behaviour as they automatically know that you are from a different group and have no (or less) pre-conceptions about how a person from group X should behave

 

Just a thought

[PinkSapphireAngel]

My 11 year old Luke has always got on better with adults to the point where it can work against him, I have read so many reports from ADULTS saying he behaved appropriately wwith them and spoke nicely, interacted well.

I always have to point out that he is NOT an adult and being able to behave adultly does not help him socially with other 11 year olds.

[jb1964]

My daughter has always preferred adult company to her peers (and older children when she was younger) for conversation!!

 

I've always looked at it because she never actually holds a conversation properly if you know what I mean - it is either questions regarding something or talking about a particular interest - not general chit chat like other kids.

 

Other children don't seem interested in talking non stop about some-one elses interests - although in primary school she did get on quite well with a few boys who were well into Pokemon/Digimon, computers and console games etc - especially if they had the same games. Neither did children have the answers to the never ending questions that she would ask.

 

I suppose to sum up my daughter is more serious in her conversation and children are generally not serious talkers.

 

Take care,

Jb

[Guest flutter]

cos they dont fit in with those their own age

and adults accept no matter what?

my dd gets on great with littlies too

[Canopus]

I had this "problem" as a kid. I could talk well with adults and hold serious conversations but had difficulty talking to kids of may age grouap and wasn't particularly interested in talking to them.

 

The probable explanation is that many kids with AS see adults as more interesting and tolerant people who often possess knowledge of the things the kid prefers to talk about. Many kids with AS find kids of a similar age boring at their best and hostile at their worst. Most kids with AS are more likely to take interest in factual things rather than popular youth culture or the latest playground craze.

 

I was informed that the best way for kids to make friends of their own age is to have a popular hobby and that kids with weird or offbeat interests will have difficulty making friends. Can anybody comment on this?

[Stephanie]

I heard from a lady I know with an AS son who said she got her son to make friends via computer games .. that way they can discuss games, what level they are on etc, and visit each others houses to play games.

 

Although I am sure there isn't too much talking going on when they are playing!

[Viper]

I always put it down to the fact that Ben is older in his intelligence than his peers IYKWIM. His I.Q is high so he finds children his own age very annoying and immature.

[Canopus]

I always put it down to the fact that Ben is older in his intelligence than his peers IYKWIM. His I.Q is high so he finds children his own age very annoying and immature.

 

That was the problem I experienced when I was a kid. I strongly hold the view that schools should be organised on an ability rather than an age basis and year groups abolished.

[aro]

I think that there may be an element of predictability about adults that is not there in other children, small children move fast, speak quickly and IMO dd finds that too challenging with sensory problems.

Anna

[Lucas]

Mutual recriprocity was a term I used to use a lot, even far enough back that I had no idea what it meant; I just said it to be confusing.

 

As a child I could deal with adults but not other children, now as an adult I have most problems with adults but not old adults or young children. I never have problems with foreigners. It all seems to be because of mutual reciprocity: peers expect me to be like them, but anyone who does not expect me to be like them reverts to common rather than specific social skills.

 

Specific social skills are how you act with a certain group of people, common social skills are basic courtesy and respect. I think Autistics struggle with specific social skills but common ones are natural and we use them indiscriminately with any group, peer or no unless it becomes plain obvious we aren't being shown respect and courtesy in return.

[Bullet]

I never had any concept of peer pressure or of wanting to fit in, so I suppose that's why I didn't get on with my peers when I got to about 10 or so. I was still reserved when I was younger but it was easier to make friends then because I could just play games like chase rather than having to sit around in a group. I couldn't talk to adults either because I still had trouble initiating conversations and talking about things, so it was a case of very precise, very polite speaking and a lot of the time speaking through my mum.

[yoyo]

Lucas,

 

You have hit the nail on the head. Specific social skills are so unfathomable whereas common skills such as basic manners are so easy to achieve; probably because we AS like to follow rules. I have always said that I get on fine in a situation where I can keep my distance and act formally, but I cannot cope with the subtleties of friendship relationships, hence the ease with relating better to adults than peers.

 

Yoyo

[Elaine]

Axel has always related better to Adults than peers, which IMO is why he was diagnosed later than he should have been, and why it took quite a while for my parents/in-laws to accept that there was a problem.

 

In his case, I don't think it's to avoid peer pressure - when he was little, he didn't even notice that other kids existed! Now he does, but it doesn't occur to him to try to fit in.

 

I think it could be that he rambles on about his current obsession (power rangers/pokemon) and likes asking lots of questions about how things are made/work. Adults tend to be polite and feign interest in his obsessions and attempt to answer his questions. Children on the other hand get bored and run off.

 

Elaine

[Richt]

Well I always got on better with adult conversation as a child than with kids' stuff. Maybe it was the rules being easier to understand.

 

Doesn't help when you're an adult though and you realise that all the stuff they were going on about was rubbish!

 

Maybe it's good that AS children can interact with adults, but it doesn't teach them a lot about interacting with their peer group. As an old person, I've run out of real people I can talk to, unless you include posting on here and emailing.

[Lucas]

My personal view is that all child diagnoses of Autism should be done by a child psychologist; a child that practices psychology. Children are far better at spotting differences in other children than adults are.

[baddad]

My personal view is that all child diagnoses of Autism should be done by a child psychologist; a child that practices psychology. Children are far better at spotting differences in other children than adults are.

 

 

And generally they are far, far better at accepting them - until they hit that age when all the adult influences start to matter to them. Almost every case of 'prejudice' I've seen has been handed down from parent to child, the only difference is that the children are 'honest' about it for a few years, while the parents talk the talk but quite evidently fail to walk the walk.

If five year old's ruled the world there'd be no prejudice... wait three years and it starts to get nasty...

 

L&P

 

BD

[Lucas]

I actually think it would be a different kind of prejudice. Many five year olds already develop idealistic but unsophisticated beliefs, like believing eating animals is wrong but conveniently excluding fish and dairy. Five year olds would notice they are different but in ways that seem from their own point of view to be bad, they would develop entirely different labels to be targeted for prejudice. It'll all go Lord of the Flies.

 

Ok, who would win: the Lord of the Flies or the Lord of the Rings?

[lorryw]

Totally agree with you Baddad.

My current class (year 5) has at least 50% SEN, different colours, languages and religions. They argue, ###### and fall out with each other but their differences are never mentioned. I think it all falls apart when they move to secondary

Lorainexx

[Stephanie]

It all becomes clear why so many parents home educate.

 

If I could keep him away from other kids, he wouldn't have any problems ... lol that's a big "if".

 

When he is with other kids, he is always in their face, touching them, yabbering on with a load of nonsense - generally annoying them. When he is with adults he is just "normal" which I found strange.

 

Thanks for all your advice though, it has been really helpful. Cheers.

[Lucas]

Another thing is that it can work the opposite way; indoctrinating is a double-edged sword. A parent can be pushy trying to eliminate any chance of their child having racist tendencies that they behave completely different around people of a different race than they do their own. In my view it's best to not point race out at all but simply answer questions about why people are different colours and shapes when asked.